Wishing for a friend to talk to

[dragonflies]

Hi,

I feel alone. I'm 19 and I have no friends anymore. No one to confide in, trust, or share my life with. I just want someone to talk to. Someone who gets me and who I can relate to and vice versa. I find it hard trying to make friends. I dread the process of getting to know someone completely for who they are. It takes so much time and effort. I have only ever been hurt in the past after making such close friends and having them just drift away from you without a care in the world.

Does anyone feel like this too?

dragonflies

[Padfoot02]

Hey Dragon,

I only have one little sister but she’s awesome. Don’t worry, English is my downfall too. It’s my birthday coming up in ten days! I’m having u few friends come to my house for a sleepover, including my best friend who moved to Canberra last year. We’re all gonna go to something I go to every month called Geek Out. It’s really fun, geeks from around my town come to meet up and we all just have a chat and play games. This months theme (even though there usually isn’t a theme) is “Doctor Who”, which is awesome because it’s my favourite show.

Do you go to anything like Geek Out? If so, what do you do there?

Talk soon, Padfoot.

[Padfoot02]

Hey Lulu,

My favourite character from Harry Potter is Barty Crouch jr, because he is played by David Tennant (the person who played my favourite doctor from “Doctor Who”). I came to beyond blue to find some people that I haven’t met before to talk to, who won’t say “This isn’t like you. I know you better” etc.

I got the nickname Padfoot because my best mates first two names (so first name and middle) are Harry and James, so I called him Prongs and he called me Padfoot.

Do you watch any Doctor Who? Did you read the books first or watch the movies first?

Thanks for the reply.

Padfoot.

[dragonflies]

Hey LuLu,

Very true. Thanks for pointing that out I suppose it is. Actually the food thing is probably a huge victory! I can't believe I've lasted this long - on day 5 now. Some of the sugar withdrawals are getting better considering how much sugar I ate. The headache was the worst of it. I'm going to do this extremely natural detox powder to clean out my insides and rid parasites and what not... this is so foreign to me can't believe I am even talking about it! I couldn't drink it because it tastes like the worst thing possible. I couldn't physically keep it down. Turns to brown sludge and its horribly thick and yucky !! I've ordered a capsule machine so I can take it orally. It's arriving today I think. Starting it should make a huge difference I've been told. I'm just interested to see if it actually changes energy levels, mood and feeling happier/better about yourself. Will keep you updated... Though I'm missing my usually food its so sad.

Thats good - all that matters is you're trying. Thats all we can really do. You should be proud of yourself especially for going into school, shows you care and are willing to try - very important.

How are you feeling today? Motivated? Sending you some study energy and focus.

dragon

[dragonflies]

Hey Padfoot,

Thats great you get along with your little sister! Siblings can be so much fun.

Very exciting! Turning 15? Anything on your birthday wish list? Sleepovers are the best, you guys should have an awesome night. Not to mention yummy birthday cake haha. If you're having one are you a chocolate lover or?

Sounds like a lot of fun. I'm not into Geek Out, first I've heard of it! I like it when I get down to the beach and hanging out with my dog, watching netflix shows and my new recent interest is tattoos. I like interesting ear piercings like inside my ear haha. I've got a few little tattoos. On my forearm that isn't covered in scars. It distracts me from my yucky arm. I got my dogs names tattooed in morse code. Wow I love her so much. I don't really have a hobby or an interest. I used to be right into drugs and smoking so coming out of that has left me a bit lost because I had given up everything else. Hoping to try kick boxing and see if I can get into that. Hard to get me out of my dungeon room though !!

dragon

[Padfoot02]

Yeah, I’m turning 15. One thing I would like is a Nintendo switch, it seems like an awesome console. As if there is any other good cake flavour, CHOCOLATE IS AMAZING!!! I’m glad to hear you got out of drugs, I have a cousin who’s constantly on them so it’s pretty hard to connect with him now. I’ve always wanted some kind of tattoo, probably on my bicep, dunno what’d be though. I have a dog too, her name is Pinny. I got my ears pierced when I was younger, I have a solid gold stud. It’s pretty hard to get me out of my fortress of solitude as well. I have a scar on my arm from when a kid bit me in pre-school. If you don’t mind me asking, how’d you get the scars on your arm?

Whats one thing you want for your birthday and/or Christmas? What’s the name of your dog?

Padfoot

[LuLu_]

Just listening to your health talk makes me want to be healthy. I think about green juices and exercise and i get excited about how good it would feel. But then I think about desert and I like that idea so much more because it’s easy..... people who are into fitness are kind of my inspiration. It sounds like a good idea to workout and eat well but then I start and it’s so hard at first....

Today I rode two horses and saw a friend. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. She told me since I worked really hard on my previous exams I shouldn’t focus on how I am not studying now. She told me to spend the rest of the week in a way that makes me feel good and if motivation comes that is great but if it doesn’t I shouldn’t worry about it. So I am just relaxing and trying to make myself feel a bit better. I am quite good it’s just the constant loneliness. When I am around people I try hard to interact and be social because I know I only have to spend a few hours with them and especially if they don’t know what’s going on I try to make them not find out. Then afterwards I just feel lonely and nothing. Lots of nothing. An endless sea of nothingness.

My parents have never understood how I could be down for no reason. When in fact the reason is depression. I think it’s a common misconception that depression is just sadness. But for me it’s the absence of feeling and caring.

How does your depression manifest?

You don’t have to tell me specifics but was there an event that acted as a catalyst for your depression? Or is it linked to genetics? I have always been a private person.

I’ve always had a tendency to appear sad. So i am wondering if depression has just magnified some parts of my personality. I wonder if depression was always going to enter my life, it was just a big event that set off an inevitable reaction. It’s so confusing to think about.

I feel a bit lost. You seem to be quite conscious of how you could effect people. I feel the same way. It can be quite destructive when you base everything around how it might effect someone else. I isolate myself so I don’t make others feel bad but in the end i am the only one who is effected.

Its nice to talk to you 🙂

[dragonflies]

Hey Padfoot,

15 is a fun age. Yes chocolate is seriously the best. I'm not eating it at the moment and seriously craving it.

Yeah takes a long time to decide on what you'd want on your body for the rest of your life! I put serious thought in it and waited a long time after I chose to make sure I still wanted it. Was worth the wait.

I don't really have too many wants anymore. I'd honestly just really want some true friends to hang out with and connect with. I also want to feel happier as I am down a lot. I want to make my dad proud and happy. If I had to think of something, maybe new bed sheets! I love bed sheets haha.

My dogs name is Pepa.

Yeh thats ok, my scars are from me - I did it to myself. It made me feel something when I was numb. It distracted me from the overwhelming sadness I felt and was an outlet for how I felt about myself. It became addicting and self destructive. I would hope for no one to experience that now. It has only left me with regret. I hurt my family. It makes me feel uncomfortable and is one of my main struggles in getting better. It made problems go away in the short term but only made problems worse for the longterm. Not worth it.

dragon

[startingnew]

HI everyone sorry its taking me a while to come back here. The convo gets quite quick and its hard to keep up when I cant concentrate. Im not doing well physically or mentally so just have to take things easy for abit till things settle back down.


I can relate to you guys in isolating yourselves to not affect others. I always feel like im dragging others down so isolate myself bt I work 2 jobs as well as study so it can be hard to do but its possible. I make it possible.


Lulu- horse riding is good still but its bad timing for me atm. Do you compete? They are very good company. No questions asked till they give you cheek when your riding and then you have to be the boss, but we love them all the same.


Uni isnt going anywhere. You might find after your second yr in yr 12 that your feeling abit better in yourself but depression is funny. You can be ok one day and bad the next. I go through several moods in a day.


You can ask questions yes and ill do my best to answer them. No I wouldnt wish it on anyone either. I had a form of skin cancer called BBC (basal cell carcinoma) and it took 2 surguries to get it all out. Having this experience hasnt really sunken in yet, im still in the freaking out stage where its all triggering and I cant look at my scar yet. But I am grateful its all over and makes me think twice about the sun and the safety around it.


If you need help, you need help. Hospital does help but theres other ways and your young and have a lot of determination, use that determination to get better. In saying that dont not get help if that makes sense, see your gp, therapist, talk to friends and family and still do the things you love. Ok?



Dragon- whats the use in having all these experiences and not sharing what wisdom I do have. Id rather help people and be productive with my thoughts rather than be destrusctive.
Your new lifestyle diet sounds pretty good, thought not as tasty but I guess you get use to it hey. Tastesbuds change.

[dragonflies]

Its nice to talk to you to LuLu.

My depression I believe is genetic. I have had a very fortunate like, a loving family, friendships, a good education, fun, experiences, love and everything I could've ever asked for. Unfortunately I didn't understand when my depression was coming on. I just thought I was so sad and thats why I used to do drugs because I didn't want to feel that way. I never considered I had depression. Now that I'm on medication and feeling different it was insane how depressed I was. I couldn't do anything. I wanted to just go. I am very self destructive and have little love or care for myself.

I used to be involved in every aspect of life. Even very good at practically everything I did. I was a go getter. When I started getting low it was like it overtook me. Slowly I retreated from absolutely everything and everyone. The change in my life was huge. Looking back on it I didn't realise how badly depressed I was. The thoughts that went through my mind were scary. I couldn't help them and I had them for so long I completely believed them.

My depression is from an large chemical imbalance in my brain. I am told there was absolutely nothing I could've done about it at all. I was just an unlucky one to have been born with it. It has taken me a long time to be able to realise and accept this.

How about you? What there a big event for you?

It is very confusing I know. The more you explore it and talk about it the clearer it may become. You deserve to feel good as much as anyone else. You sound like a very considerate and caring individual who has a lot of insight and compassion. People would be fortunate to connect with you. I believe you have a lot to offer.

[LuLu_]

How did you get through those times? Where urges are strong?

I need to feel so desperately. But I don’t remember what happiness feels like so the only way to make myself feel is to make myself feel bad.

The limited scars i do have are reminders of what it feels like to make myself feel but obviously not in the correct way. But in the act I feel so fake. But for me pain is real and I need that because life feels full of nothingness.

I hope you find contentment in the small things.

I remember denying myself the right to notice beautiful things. I’d keep my head down from the sky and the trees. I would glance at a flower or a bird and have to quickly turn my head.

i hope you find true friends. You are a really lovely person offering encouragement and support. I know you would make a really lovely friend. X