Thoughts of suicide when not ‘suicidal’?

[Tams20]

I’ve been struggling with depression lately and have been experiencing some very dark moods. I haven’t missed a day of work or caring for my family, even though I barely hold it together some days and my weekends are usually spent recovering. I’ve been on SSRIs for a few months that I feel aren’t working that well and have also scheduled a review with my GP this week. Am also going to ask for counselling just so that I can talk to someone about my issues, as I am not one for burdening friends and family with my problems.

Just recently I have started fantasising about a particular method of suicide. Quite graphic thoughts and planning (I won’t go into detail) that has gotten me so concerned that I now take steps so that I physically couldn’t do it. I don’t actually believe that I could do it, I don’t actually think that I am suicidal, but on some days I feel quite reckless about it, almost as if I’m daring myself to do it. I almost enjoy the thought of it. After the urge has passed I think if my kids and I feel like the worst person in the world.

Is this a common thing for when you’re depressed? Is it perhaps related to the medication?

Thanks.

[Croix]

Dear Tams

Have you ever heard of a walrus saying "I told you so", you must be thinking of a carp, quote a different sort of aquatic life.

I've just spent a few days in a hotel room, and quite agree, one tends to focus too much on oneself as there really is little else to take one's attention. Trying to cut that out of your life sounds a pretty good move if you can. Teleworking is fine - provided you are doing it from the hub where there is human interaction, and not in isolation all the time.

Like Mary I think your psych visits can do you good, she sounds sensible.

One of the hardest thing's I've found is to realise that when things happen they are most often not a reaction to me, but come about due to entity unrelated events. An over-developed ability to blame oneself seems to come with the MH territory.

I hope the talk with your boss went well

Croix

[White_Rose]

Hello Tams

I am of course very happy that your psych agrees with Croix and me and also relieved that we three are on the same page. Glad you are coming on board also. Have I mixed my metaphors?

Surgery all done. I came home yesterday. All OK though I am a bit tired. I probably will not be writing on the forum much for a short while.

So what's your next step? Reducing contact with your friend I imagine. And of course the minor matter of putting it out of your mind. The more consciously we try to not think of something the more it impinges. So the trick is recognise when you are having these thoughts then immediately go and do something that needs concentration. Not always easy so have a list of options you can go to. Walking is good if you are in an area where there are interesting things to observe. Weeding is good because it can be a metaphor to get things rid of things in your life, imagining each weed or group of weeds represents ugly thoughts, your friend, being unwell. I'm sure you have heaps of ideas for that list.

Croix is right about taking matters personally. And I find it true also. So it's about me and what have I done wrong this time? Self-blame is a persistent part of mental ill-health. We can do so much with it to make ourselves miserable unless we can step back and ask the question. Is this about me or not? A good habit to get into.

I think it's nap time.

Mary

[Tams20]

Hi Croix and Mary,

Sorry it has taken me so long to reply to you both! Things have been going quite well, despite the odd ‘hiccup’. I seem to have regained some balance in my life, balance that I had lost over the past 6 months or so. I’ve stopped obsessing over my friend - we are still friends but I don’t have that same inane need to constantly message her or spend time with her. We are still friends but in my mind she is now no more special to me than my other friends. I think I have done it! Of course there are still the ‘what if’ moments but I’m able to distract myself away from those thoughts. It’s a good outcome because I do still want to be friends with her.

I’ve also managed to secure work here here so am now no longer travelling - just when I was getting close to gold frequent flyer membership! I suppose there is a downside after all 😆 I’m busy too, which gives me less time for derailing thoughts. And less time for scrolling social media on my phone.

So Mary, have you fully recovered from your surgery now?

And Croix, I think a walrus saying ‘I told you so’ is entirely possible!

How are you both going?

Tams

[White_Rose]

Hello Tams

Lovely to hear from you. You sound much more relaxed and happy. That is a tremendous feeling. I think it's great that the conflict about your friend is settling down. As you say, there may be times when you will want to contact her for support or feel it would be good and that's like any situation where we have found comfort in the past. My husband and me separated 18 years ago and yet I found myself talking to him about a situation some years back and wanting to rely on him for support until I realised what I was doing. Fortunately that did not last long but it is surprising where we can go at times. And I suppose this is why we indulge in other less than helpful behaviours such as comfort eating, which has been my preference in the past.

Thank you for asking about my surgery. I am getting much stronger and far less tired. I understand the lingering effects of anaesthetics can play a part in this area. I saw the surgeon yesterday for a post-op check-up and he said he was pleased with my progress. Apparently I will need follow up for a couple of years which surprised me but I suppose it's the same as when I had breast cancer three years ago. There is a five year follow up process to make sure it does not return, so only two years to go. Actually it's a rather nice and comforting thought having these systems in place. Removes a lot of worry.

Is your new job working for the same company as before or found a completely different job? I think it's great news even if you did not get gold class frequent flyer status. It must also be good for your family and take away the constant tension of being away from home. Many congratulations.

Do you think this contributed to the more settled feelings about your friend? Now that you are able to relax more and can work on your own life I think the need to depend on someone else will be greatly reduced. Becoming or maintaining resilience is something we all need to work on. When we are able to step back and take a look at ourselves, get a more objective view of the situation is when we are moving forward. I have a great book called Resilience by Anne Deveson OA. She is big on social justice, lives in Sydney and produced a readable book on a topic we all need. I am forever recommending books to people because I find them a great source of help. Feel free to ignore that part of my post. 😆

Mary

[Tams20]

Hi Mary,

I love a good book recommendation! Reading is a favourite thing of mine, although I don’t seem to get much time for it these days. I’ve gotten a few good recommendations from the BB forums, will add yours to my list.

I’m glad that your post-op recovery was progressing well, are things still tracking in the right direction? Your follow up process sounds quite serious though... I hope whatever ‘it’ is, it won’t be returning.

In response to your question about my job, it is the same company but the project I am working on is based in Sydney and is actually quite close to where I live. Which is great in contrast to the other projects I’ve been working on in Melbourne and Brisbane. It’s been nice to be at home with my family every night. Although there are times when I miss the quiet hotel room!

I’m doing ok at the moment. I was doing quite well until a couple of weekends ago when I had a bit of a friend relapse. We having team drinks after our grand final (a big loss, but still worth celebrating!) and I had quite a long conversation with her, we were both a bit drunk, having a few laughs and I could feel myself returning to thoughts of old times and asking ‘what if...’. Threw me off course for a few days, was tempted to try to rekindle the ‘close friendship’ again but managed to keep things together... until my birthday yesterday when she messaged me suggesting that she organise birthday drinks for me and checking my availability. Out of the blue - this is someone who rarely takes the lead in organising to catch up with me. I’m usually the instigator and she either says yes, no or (in most cases recently) ‘I’m flat out at the moment, let’s wait until next month to organise something’. So anyway now I’m going for drinks with her on Friday night. And possibly a couple of other friends if they are available... it should be fun. I’m waiting for her to cancel though!

Anyway I’m left thinking that maybe the friendship is still there and that maybe I’ve been overreacting and that she has actually had health issues and been very busy after all and that they weren’t just excuses. Maybe me not being so dependent on her lately and not being a ridiculous idiot putting her up on a damn pedestal has made her realise that she needs to make some effort. Confuses me a bit. I think we confuse each other.

At the moment I’m trying to take this, and everything else, ‘with a grain of salt’... it’s not my style though! Overthinker extraordinaire...

Tams

[Croix]

Dear Tams~

Walruses are far too polite to say 'I told you so', they don't even think it loudly.

Not traveling so much will have an up-side, even if you do like the peace and quiet of a hotel room at night. After all quiet does tend to breed thoughts, and that's not always good.

Trying to sort things out after a few drinks is a bit of an ask, I guess you are right, over analyzing is a trap. Often I've had to say to my self "I've no real idea" about this or that, and left it at that.

So happy birthday for yesterday

Croix

[Tams20]

Hello Croix,

Nice to hear from you again! How are things going in your world? Hope you are well?

Yes time alone is not a good thing when you’re prone to over thinking things... I need to keep busy - either physically or mentally. Unfortunately that means I often get fatigued because I don’t like to slow down and allow myself time to get lost in my thoughts... I’ve been known to suffer from ‘burn out’ in the past, although a lot of this was probably due to my untreated bipolar condition. I haven’t experienced that since I’ve been on medication. Fingers crossed it’s a thing of the past!🤞

How do you manage to have quiet time to ‘recharge’ and not letting your mind run away with over-analysing and racing thoughts?

Tams

[White_Rose]

Hello Tams

Thanks for asking after me. I'm going quite well but I get a bit tired. This should not be a surprise to me but it is. For once I am listening to my body and slowing down.

You asked Croix how to have quiet time and stop your mind running away with you. There are probably as many different ways as there are people. I like to meditate and done so for quite a few years. By constant practice I find my mind manages to slow down during the meditation time though often for only short periods of time. In a 20 minute meditation I can sometimes manage a total of five minutes meditation. And that's on a good day. What I have found is that brief respite helps me to feel centred within myself, no matter how short a time. The flow on in my life is to break down the internal barriers of my mind to allow the relationship of everything to become more important. Well that's the idea. In fact I believe this happens even when I do not notice or realise it. If I stop meditating for some time I find that hard won peace and acceptance suffers.

So why do I stop meditating? I have no real idea. I suddenly realise this is missing and return as well as I can. I think I can trace the journey of my worse times through my neglect of meditation. Or perhaps it is the other way round. Certainly there is a helpful and healing impact on my life and thoughts when I am meditating daily and a reverse effect when I stop.

I am pleased for you that the stress of constant travelling has been removed. I know the feeling of wanting to get away from the family at times and wanting a bit of quiet time. Although I doubt I would have said this when all my children were at home I do find the enjoyment and interaction with my family in the not so good times is as much a learning and loving act as much as when life goes well. In fact I am a big believer of learning more about myself in the down times than when everything runs smoothly.

Your friendship may start to become more enjoyable and stable now you know you can live and manage on your own. Letting it run its course is probably a good option when you do not feel pressured to jump to every call for help. Sounds as though both of you have learned a little about each other and can continue the friendship without it becoming one-sided.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear Tams~

I'm OK, though have had a few strictly physical issues to overcome - am getting there. Ta for asking, you actually sound a bit better, which is excellent.

You asked a pretty god question about recharging. All I can give is my own approach, which is a bit indirect. I don't sit down quietly an meditate or similar, I try to keep engaged in less strenuous activities that I enjoy and take me out of myself and my world full of hassles.

Cataloging my database of books while listening to old BBC shows is one way, reading another. Generally back-peddling whatever is causing the extra burden and stress (as much as is practical anyway). Given time this helps without allowing the mind to run riot due to inactivity.

I was very pleased to read about your new meds and no burn-out, fingers (flippers?) crossed for you too. Very hopeful

Croix

[Tams20]

Croix and Mary,

Was just reading through the last few posts on my thread, to try to get a feel for what has changed since then, and I realised I forgot to respond to you both! Quite rude of me really... so - how are you both going?

I’ve been pretty good once my last message. Balancing family, work and social quite well. Medication seems to be at a good level, low enough dose so that I can still feel the ups and downs but enough to level off the extremes. I still have the endless chatter in my head, overthinking and second-guessing everything that happens, but it doesn’t affect me like it used to.

My friendship issues have settled too, have managed to find a balance there and am happy with the way things are. My friend is still my friend, but I’m not as reliant on her being my friend now (if you know what I mean?) it’s now more of a ‘take it as it comes’ attitude. She’s no different to any of my other good friends.

So that’s it really. No dramas... for now!

Tams