Thoughts of suicide when not ‘suicidal’?

[Tams20]

I’ve been struggling with depression lately and have been experiencing some very dark moods. I haven’t missed a day of work or caring for my family, even though I barely hold it together some days and my weekends are usually spent recovering. I’ve been on SSRIs for a few months that I feel aren’t working that well and have also scheduled a review with my GP this week. Am also going to ask for counselling just so that I can talk to someone about my issues, as I am not one for burdening friends and family with my problems.

Just recently I have started fantasising about a particular method of suicide. Quite graphic thoughts and planning (I won’t go into detail) that has gotten me so concerned that I now take steps so that I physically couldn’t do it. I don’t actually believe that I could do it, I don’t actually think that I am suicidal, but on some days I feel quite reckless about it, almost as if I’m daring myself to do it. I almost enjoy the thought of it. After the urge has passed I think if my kids and I feel like the worst person in the world.

Is this a common thing for when you’re depressed? Is it perhaps related to the medication?

Thanks.

[Tams20]

Dear Croix, the ‘Laundry Walrus’ 😂,

I like your minor suggestion of keeping things light, as I’m not quite ready to let this one go just yet. I’m happy with keeping things light and fun - I don’t usually do heavy and serious, that’s never been my thing. Not really hers either. If that doesn’t work for us then I’ll have to accept that we’re done. Hopefully it will get us through this period. She has told me she’s flat out busy at the moment and is struggling to fit anything extra in, no reason not to believe her. I tend to assume the worst with these things, it’s rarely true.

In the meantime I think I need to address the attachment issues that I have, as this isn’t the first time it’s happened so it’s obviously a problem for me. Am seeing my psychiatrist next week, will mention this ‘friend issue’ to her (haven’t discussed it yet).

Thanks again 🤗

Tams

[Croix]

Dear Tams~

I'm not wise enough to know what an attachment issue is. Some people value relationships more than others, and are hurt when their efforts are not returned in the same measure. Probably another word for vulnerability or sensitivity.

I tend to put more in, occasionally it works, often not. I'd not really want to change as it has allowed me two wonderful partnerships and that is far too precious to swap for easier times. That's just me though.

Croix

[Tams20]

Hi Croix,

Vulnerability and sensitivity describes it perfectly. I do value my relationships but unfortunately am hopeless at developing and sustaining them in a way that is meaningful and satisfying. I feel like I don't know how to behave, what to do, what to say. Nothing comes naturally to me, beyond being an acquaintance or casual friend (which I am quite good at, but don't find satisfying). In this case I have attempted to form something a bit deeper than just surface-level, but appear to have stuffed it up, either by my actions or by choosing the wrong individual. I feel I have the potential for a closer frienship with someone, I just can't seem to make it work. I feel flawed.

Since my post a few days ago I have tried to have one last push with my friend and it's just not working. Whether it's me or her, I do not know. And I may never know, which I'm struggling with. I'd rather she just be honest with me, one way or the other. So many possibilities and I've considered every single one of them. It's bad for me and it's actually affecting my management of my Bipolar. I don't think I can get well with this hanging over my head. I can't seem to stop myself from trying and I think I'm just making it worse.

I need to get away from her but I can't without isolating myself from other friends and acquaintances that I enjoy spending time with. It's not a good situation and I'm not in a good place at all. I actually find myself wishing that she had never shown up in my life. I think that she has probably made my mental illness worse, she certainly seems to be a trigger for anxiety and depression and just feeling uncertain about generally bad about myself. My issues appear to have started about the same time as I began forming a friendship with her. When we have good interactions I feel great, but it's never long before I'm doubting our friendship again. I actually don't know what to do about this. I'm stuck in a horrible loop.

Tams

[Croix]

Dear Tams~

I think it is easy to lose sight of the fact it takes two for a relationship to happen -plus the right circumstances.It is not all a result of your acts and feelings.

You are probably right in thinking this particular friendship creates more problems than you can easily handle at the moment, so why not just go for polite? I'd imagine provide you were not at loggerheads with this person you could maintain your other friendship, even if they are reasonably close to her.

There is no road map or guideboard for friendships, maybe that is why it takes two to do the building and maintaining, so please don't feel bad because you do not always instinctively know what to do. I think a lot of this is learned.

Parting of developing coping mechanisms is getting to the point that you can stop yourself going down some paths. For me this starts with awareness there might be a problem if I act, and as time goes on I get somewhat better at avoiding it. Mind you I'm not always that good at doing so:)

Croix

[Tams20]

Hi Croix,

Polite is a good option, we’re not at loggerheads and are still friendly toward each other. Just guarded. We both play soccer together and she and I are part of a smaller group in the team that socialise outside of team events. I was closer to her than the others are, she’s new to the team this year and I guess I sort of brought her into the smaller group because I liked her so much. Silly me.

She’s pulled away from the group recently too, it’s only me that has felt it so acutely because we were close. The others don’t seem to have noticed. She said she’s lost her motivation for soccer so maybe she won’t play next year anyway. Which would be a loss to the team as she’s quite good, but a good thing for me. I’m certainly not going to isolate myself from the others because of her - as my kids say, “but I was here first!”

We’ve got a game tomorrow so I’ll see how it goes.

Hope you are well?

Tams

[White_Rose]

Hello Tams

How did your soccer game go? Apart from who won that is. Maybe your friend is looking for greener pastures, or maybe she has recognised the pitfalls of your friendship and has decided to move, or maybe ...... So many possibilities. I do know how hard it is to lose someone you have trusted and want to go back to the old ways even though you know it will not work. There is no logic in it just a desire to be with someone you have enjoyed a great affinity with and would like to continue. It does get better but it will take time. That's the real outcome.

How is your work going? Still spending several days away from home every week? I suspect those evenings on your own allow you to ruminate about your friend. That makes it important to take something with you to do.

Remember you will become whole again even if it takes a while.

Mary

[Tams20]

Hi Mary,

Yes, still travelling for work. Am at the airport at the moment waiting for my flight. I could really do without starting each Monday by waking at 4am, I’m tired all week. And I hate the time alone in the hotel, you’re right - far too much time to think about things with nothing to distract me. It’s not a good combination. I’m hoping that next week will be my last week, am catching up with my manager on Friday so I’m going to ask him if I can stop the regular trips. To be honest, I don’t think they really need me up there, there’s no reason why I can’t work remotely with the technology we have these days.

Soccer was good, saw my friend and she was fine, we had a good chat about nothing much in particular. She did say she’s been having some health problems lately (a potentially nasty health scare) she hasn’t been well and had to have surgery... it was said in a slightly apologetic way but I’m not going to be fooled. She could have told me at the time that she wasn’t well, even if she didn’t go into any detail, instead of dismissing me. We are still friends but unlikely to be as close as we have been, unless she decides to put some effort in. I can’t afford any more ‘emotional investment’ in her, it’s no good for my health. I do enjoy her company, and vice versa, so I guess it’s a pretty good outcome. Time will tell anyway, but I’ll be focusing my efforts elsewhere.

In the meantime I’ve got a psychiatrist appointment this week so I will mention all of this it to her, although I’m sure she will only reiterate what you and Croix and everyone else has said to me. I’d like to get to the root cause of this behaviour though, it’s like my current situation is never good enough and I’m always looking for something better. I need to change my way of thinking, it’s not helping anyone.

Tams

[White_Rose]

Hello Tams

I can relate to early morning starts. I went to Melbourne recently and my flight was 7:00am. Groan, groan, groan. On Thursday I have to be at the hospital at 6:00am for surgery. It's not as bad as it could be. I am staying Wednesday night with my daughter who lives about half an hour closer to the hospital than my three quarters of an hour and will drive me there. No worries about the op, it's not much.

So pleased you were able to chat with your friend on a general basis. Also good you are keeping the friendship on a less intense basis. A good outcome. Well done.

Talking with your psychiatrist about this sounds like a good idea. It's always useful to get to know and understand more about yourself. This may be a bit painful, so often we are surprised at the what and why of our actions, but it's good to get to the root cause of something that bothers you.

Hopefully this is your last or last but one trip. Yes technology has advanced incredibly. I sometimes wonder what my parents would make of it. I think my dad would have been fascinated though whether or not he would have a computer I don't know. Once mom got over being nervous about 'breaking' the computer I think she would have revelled in it. Unfortunately they both have passed away so I will never really know. I do know my grandchildren will accept all this as normal. I told one granddaughter that I listened to the wireless when I was young and she asked me what is a wireless. Actually I suppose Wi-Fi was alive and well then but with not so many applications as now.

Safe journey this week.

Mary

[Tams20]

Hi Mary,

Sorry to hear about your operation, even though you say it’s ‘not much’ I still hope it’s nothing serious and doesn’t cause you too much discomfort. Good that your daughter can help make it a bit easier for you. 6:00am is so early! I presume you also have to fast beforehand? Not pleasant.

I was probably a bit flippant about my friend’s surgery, she was quite ill beforehand and it could have been very serious had her tests come back positive. She must have been very worried until that was confirmed. I should be more understanding, rather than making it all about me. In hindsight I feel bad about that. There’s just a part of me that doesn’t entirely trust her, so I don’t always believe what she says, which is a problem. I need to get over it.

Technology is moving too fast for me! My parents are in their early 70s and Mum in particular is quite good with it all. My Dad, on the other hand....

Hope everything goes well for you on Thursday, take care.

Tams

[Tams20]

Hi Mary,

How did you go with your surgery? Hope everything went well and you're on the road to recovery?

Just wanted to give an update on the latest in what I would like to call my 'road to recovery'... I had a visit to my psychiatrist last night and she was happy with my progress, minor increases in meds to help manage the occasional depressive episode that I've been experiencing. I also shared some info regarding my on-again, off-again friend and the issues I've been having with her over the past 6 months, including giving her some background to her past. As predicted she reiterated what yourself and Croix have been telling me for months and told me to stay away from her. She said 'it is impossible that she is not suffering from mental health issues with what she has experienced in the past and if she is not treating them she won't be any good for you'. She recommended not discussing anything 'heavy' with her or seeking any support from her as she won't be reliable due to her own problems. Interestingly she agreed when I said it seemed like she was more interested in being friends with me when I was unwell and she said she probably felt more at ease with me when she knew I was suffering more than her.

So anyway, to yourself and Croix - this is your 'I told you so' moment, feel free to gloat as much as you like!

I have already started along the path of changing my thinking around this individual, I just need to keep going. She's pulled back from me anyway, which makes it easier... If anything that involves changing thoughts and emotions could ever be considered 'easy'. Am still hurt by the rejection, but there is an element of 'it's not me, it's her' creeping into it, which helps me make the break.

Tams