Thoughts of suicide when not ‘suicidal’?

[Tams20]

I’ve been struggling with depression lately and have been experiencing some very dark moods. I haven’t missed a day of work or caring for my family, even though I barely hold it together some days and my weekends are usually spent recovering. I’ve been on SSRIs for a few months that I feel aren’t working that well and have also scheduled a review with my GP this week. Am also going to ask for counselling just so that I can talk to someone about my issues, as I am not one for burdening friends and family with my problems.

Just recently I have started fantasising about a particular method of suicide. Quite graphic thoughts and planning (I won’t go into detail) that has gotten me so concerned that I now take steps so that I physically couldn’t do it. I don’t actually believe that I could do it, I don’t actually think that I am suicidal, but on some days I feel quite reckless about it, almost as if I’m daring myself to do it. I almost enjoy the thought of it. After the urge has passed I think if my kids and I feel like the worst person in the world.

Is this a common thing for when you’re depressed? Is it perhaps related to the medication?

Thanks.

[Tams20]

Hi Mary,

Yes when I saw Kazzl's opening post I thought it was perfect. I'd just had my diagnosis and had swapped meds and could immediately relate to the way she described her changing moods. There are a handful of us on there who keep in touch, managed by Quirky, and I find the discussion quite useful. It's also a good place for day-to-day conversation. There are a few other threads that I keep an eye on and find useful, even though I don't always post.

I do sometimes stop texting my friend. We have different styles of communicating - my messages can be quite long, hers are usually short. It is the opposite when we speak to each other. I sometimes feel that she must be getting sick of me so I stop. But it never last long before she makes contact again. Of late I have stopped suggesting catchups etc so that will be a test to see what she does. I think we will end up as casual friends which is a much better outcome than hating each other. We do actually get on very well in person!

That must have been emotionally draining with your friend. The one-sided conversation is exhausting. Did she ever ask how you were doing? Did she know that you were having your own problems (presuming that you were at the time)? I can understand your guilt with her being lonely and not wanting to upset her... it's good that you managed it in a way where she still got the support she needed. I sometimes think my friend persists with me because of my condition, but I'm sure she's not that selfless. I definitely invested a lot of time and effort into helping her with her problems at a time when I was quite unwell myself, but I suppose I should feel some satisfaction about this... that I could still help someone else when I was such a mess. It probably helped me hold things together to be honest - I do love a project!

Tams

[Guest8901]

Good evening Tams. Just a quick visit to let you know I'm still here and still reading along.

Interested to read your comment about your psych being surprised about your request for therapy in months to come. Yes I can imagine you being a chameleon and hiding a lot of your emotions and distress. Can I just point out that there is nothing to be gained by hiding or masking how you feel, from your psych or other MH professional. 😀

It sounds like you are comfortable with how things are now with your friend. No unrealistic expectations means less chance of misunderstandings or dissappointments.

As I said, just a quick visit for now.

Keep up the projects. Sounds like its a successful strategy. 😀

Amanda 💜

[Tams20]

Hi Amanda,

Thanks for popping in. I wrote on your thread yesterday to see how you were going, so it’s good to see that you’re still around on the forum. How are you doing?

Very disappointed about how that friendship has turned out, but under the circumstances it was not a good time to try to make new friends, for either of us. I certainly wasn’t at my best and she was having marriage problems. I will try to think of that as the reason for failure, rather than blaming myself for stuffing it up.

Aside from that, I think I’m starting to feel more in control of my MI. More stable, feeling like I’m getting myself together again. Still have down days but not as bad as before. Fingers crossed it continues.

Tams

[White_Rose]

Hello Tams

Glad to see you are feeling more stable. Every step, however small, can make a difference. It's also amazing how you forget where you came from and not realise what a huge distance you have travelled. Occasionally it's good to have a hard look back and see what was happening then and where you are now.

I think self-blame is such a common thread for all of us. After all it seems we are the only people with MH problems. But of course it's not true, just the black dog trying to fool us into staying where we are instead of moving on. Down days are par for the course and another indicator of where you have got to. You cannot have specific down days if there are no up days. Give yourself a pat on the back every time you realise you are having a good day.

Yes it was quite draining with my friend. I used to feel guilty for not phoning, then I would get irritated with myself and her. I do not believe she had much support elsewhere and part of this was her lack of insight. And you are right, she rarely asked how I was doing or she would phone to ask how I was and move straight to her troubles. I will stay only so long with her then leave for several days. I now talk to her only occasionally or when she comes to my home for our study group.

Recognising each person's style of communicating is good. You can anticipate the conversation and move to cut off comments. Keeping all the balls in the air is difficult so try with as few as possible. So pleased This Bipolar Life is still going strong. Karen was a Community Champion and we still miss her wonderful posts.

Mary

[Tams20]

Hi Mary,

Not feeling great at the moment... I thought things were good, thought my meds were working, but now here I am feeling hopeless again. So disappointed... sitting on the train on my way to work and trying not to burst into tears. Feeling like I have stuffed everything up again. My friend is being quite cold with me, not sure what I have done now but the timing is bad. Just makes me feel worse. I can’t remember the last time she asked me how I was going or showed any concern so I think it’s time to cut her loose. If she hasn’t already cut me loose. I don’t think she’s a very caring person unless there’s something in it for her. Time to concentrate on my family and other friends. Hurts like hell and I feel stupid for my poor choices but I have to do it.

At the moment I just want to cancel all of my plans and hide. But I know I shouldn’t. I haven’t worked out how to manage this illness yet, I seem to be doing everything wrong.

Tams

[White_Rose]

Hello Tams

Sorry to hear you are not doing well just now. I think this what I was meaning, we know we are having a down day because they are different to up days.

I know it hurts like hell when we feel rejected. Maybe it is time to ignore your friend's texts etc and concentrate on what makes you feel good. Sometimes I feel I cannot post on BB because I feel lost etc. So I stop posting for a few days until I am able to go back. This works for me. Give it a try with your friend. Listen to what your body is telling you. It always knows.

We feel stupid for not doing something differently. Hindsight is always 20/20. You stayed with your friend out of your care for her. That is not stupid. When life goes wrong it makes us feel we made a poor decision, and maybe that's true. You need to remember you made the choice from that part of you that cares about others. Try to hold on to that because that is basis of you what you do and when we care we sometimes get hurt.

Mary

[Tams20]

Hi Mary,

She’s not contacting me, so there’s no need to ignore. I think I may be catastrophising because I feel so low... I do tend to do that. Black and white thinking, all or nothing - I have all the bad habits when I’m depressed. I’m a chronic over thinker at the best of times. It’s most likely that she has stuff going on and is just busy. She has her own issues to deal with. I’ll give things a rest and see how she is when I see her next.

I’m not on social media at the moment, trying to isolate myself a bit while I sort things out. Trying to avoid contact with everyone except my family. To focus on what makes me feel good, rather than things that make me worry or feel bad. Difficult task at the moment...

Tams

[White_Rose]

Hello Tams

I was listing in my mind all the attributes you have ascribed to yourself and nodding my head because I share exactly those. Catastrophising/black & white thinking/over thinking/all or nothing. No wonder we beat ourselves up on occasions.

I do not post on social media because I think it causes too much harm. However my daughters post regularly and various other members of the family and I get notifications which I read. Really it's about keeping up to date but how much nicer it would be if I caught up by chatting.

I think your friend is still playing on your mind a little. You sound a little disappointed she is not contacting you. I think if you step back a little and wait a few days you will find it easier to accept this friendship is not working on such an intense level. Even when we no longer want something such as that friendship it makes feel we have lost something.

Look after yourself for a while and do those things that give you pleasure and lift that worry from you.

Mary

[Tams20]

Hi Mary,

Yes it is still playing in my mind. Mainly because I play in the same soccer team so I see her twice a week, it’s hard to just take a step back and avoid her. Saw her at training last night and she was fine. The friendship has definitely lost its closeness but we should still be able to be casual friends. I suspect she is pulling back also for her own good. Not a bad outcome, but it concerns me that my attempts at opening up to someone have lead to a disappointing outcome. This will play on my mind next time I try to get close to someone. And now she knows a lot about me and I’m not really comfortable with that.

Oh well, I tried, I failed. I’ll get over it. Not the first time!

Tams

[Guest8901]

Morning Tams.

Whats that old saying about trying and failing? "It’s better to have tried and failed than not to have tried at all”. I think thats it. Well done for having the courage to try. Perhaps next time you may be more cautious, given the disappointing outcome with this attempt at close friendship. Its so hard knowing who we can confide in and open up to, and perhaps even harder to know when the right time to do that is.

At least it sounds as though there are no hard feelings or animosity between you, merely a step back in closeness. Its not a bad outcome, just not the preferred outcome. Yes you will get over it, and in fact it sounds as though you have pretty much moved on from it already. Fair weather friends are not what you need.

I can understand you feeling concerned about having someone on the fringes of your life who knows more about you than you are comfortable with. Hopefully she is trustworthy enough not to disclose to others, things which you have told her in comfidence.

I'm glad you continue to attend and enjoy soccer. I dont think you need to avoid her as such though. We dont normally try to avoid casual friends or even acquaintances. I guess there is still a lingering awkwardness there for you. Yes you will get over it. In the meantime spend more time with family and your other friends.

I hope you're feeling a bit better than a couple of days ago where you were hopeless and wanting to cancel all plans and hide. At least it sounds as though you managed to push through that. And give yourself credit for doing most things right! You're learning to manage a major illness, and juggling work, family, medications, friends, sport. Gosh ... you're a wonder woman! All the credit to you in the world.

Amanda