Thoughts of suicide when not ‘suicidal’?

[Tams20]

I’ve been struggling with depression lately and have been experiencing some very dark moods. I haven’t missed a day of work or caring for my family, even though I barely hold it together some days and my weekends are usually spent recovering. I’ve been on SSRIs for a few months that I feel aren’t working that well and have also scheduled a review with my GP this week. Am also going to ask for counselling just so that I can talk to someone about my issues, as I am not one for burdening friends and family with my problems.

Just recently I have started fantasising about a particular method of suicide. Quite graphic thoughts and planning (I won’t go into detail) that has gotten me so concerned that I now take steps so that I physically couldn’t do it. I don’t actually believe that I could do it, I don’t actually think that I am suicidal, but on some days I feel quite reckless about it, almost as if I’m daring myself to do it. I almost enjoy the thought of it. After the urge has passed I think if my kids and I feel like the worst person in the world.

Is this a common thing for when you’re depressed? Is it perhaps related to the medication?

Thanks.

[White_Rose]

Good to know you are feeling much better and in a more positive frame of mind. If I may suggest, can you keep your couples counselling with a different psychologist to the one you talk to about BP. Normally it would be good to have the same person, but as your husband is not involved with counselling about you MI it amy cause some confusion. Good idea to check this out with the psychologist first.

Mary

[Tams20]

Hi Mary,

Thanks for the advice and yes that makes perfect sense to keep the two issues seperate. Will speak to my psychiatrist when I see her Thursday. I think her plan was for my visits so become less frequent as my meds settled, but I think I would benefit from regular sessions to address some of the unhelpful habits I have developed over the years. Whether it be with her or a therapist. I don’t think I can get better on meds alone.

After a pretty good week I’m feeling down again. I should have seen it coming, I was super-productive and confident toward the end of the week, felt like I could conquer the world... those feelings are usually followed up by feeling like I’m useless and hopeless...

Tams

[Croix]

Dear Tams~

I think if you are able to keep a bit of reserve in that friendship it might be good - for both of you. You may have remarked yourself that friendship and a full-on support service are not quite the same thing (if you didn't I just did:) I'd imagine apart from anything else you will worry less.

Psychiatrists don't only diagnose and prescribe medications. The ones I've been to have provided ongoing support and therapy so I don't think you need to worry about wasting one's time. I have definitely needed the contact and help. Meds for me is just a platform to base improvement on. Like Mary I'd suggest you talk it over with her and see what your options are. Also there is a safety net on psychiatrist's expenses.

Getting your husband along to psychiatrist or psychologist to set out how things are and maybe get counseling is a pretty good idea, and again as Mary says some separation is probably needed. I know my own partner benefited a lot from contact with my professionals, being told what to expect and what was reasonable. (In her case blaming herself was not)

You are the same sensible capable person you were last week.

Croix

[White_Rose]

Hello Tams

To clear up a small confusion. Your psychiatrist is providing you with therapy. I had not realised you were seeing a psychiatrist earlier. And as Croix has remarked your benefits from Medicare have a safety net limit meaning your rebates will increase when you reach this limit of out of pocket expenses.

Not sure if I have said this earlier, I see a psychiatrist every week, well unless she goes on holiday. I was seeing her less frequently but so many events happening in the past year that I needed more help. My net expense now I have reached the safety net is about $18 per session. I find this incredibly helpful. If all I do is spit the dummy it has been worthwhile but of course it is more than that. I have found the most benefit is looking at why I act, think and feel as I do. How and why the events in my life have resulted in being the person I am. Sadly it doesn't change the past but at least I have some understanding of what makes me tick. Some of these memories have drifted away as in they do not upset me now. I am still working on other events.

Keep going well. There is a good life ahead.

Mary

[Tams20]

Hi Mary & Croix,

Hope you are both well and enjoying the cooler weather and all of the ‘warm and cozy’ comforting things that winter brings...

I have managed to resolve my issues with my friend and everything is good now. Things are a lot more comfortable between us and I intend to keep it that way. I agree Croix that I need to keep a reserve, as does she, and we’ve both got some boundaries now about what we can discuss (normal ‘supportive friend’ type things) and what should be left to family or the professionals (the ‘therapy-type’ issues). We may cross the line again in the future if needed but for now the boundaries are good to get that level of trust back. Both of us tend toward feelings of insecurity in relationships so it’s always going to take some work! We can both be a bit overly sensitive...

Had a follow up with my psychiatrist yesterday and it went well. She said things appear to have improved for me (they have) and has upped my medication slightly with another review in 2 months. I asked her whether she thinks that I could benefit from therapy and she said she didn’t think I really needed it as I appear to have my own methods of coping that work well for me. She did note it for discussion once my medication was at the right level, potentially at the next visit.

So all pretty good for me at the moment.

How are both of you travelling?

Tams

[White_Rose]

Hello Tams

I gather you started to see the psych fairly recency. May I suggest that if she decides you have enough coping skills and do not need her, can you arrange to go back every few months for a check up. If you are feeling bad, which happens to everybody, that you can go and see her? I think it may help to know she is readily available in the future if you feel yourself slipping.

You said in an earlier post. I think I would benefit from regular sessions to address some of the unhelpful habits I have developed. Psychiatrists are therapists and if you need some help in that area please tell her. Did you talk about the marriage counselling bit?

So pleased you feel comfortable with your friend. There may well be some boundary violations occasionally. Just stop and say whoops,over the top. or something similar an d say the same if she strays.

Meanwhile keep writing here.

Mary

[Tams20]

Hi Mary,

Yes therapy is on the list to discuss when I next see my psychiatrist in a couple of months. I mentioned it towards the end of our appointment and she looked a bit surprised. Obviously I’ve been keeping up a good appearance of someone who has their act together. Which doesn’t surprise me, I reckon I could cheat the professionals on this, I’m a skilled chameleon.

Meanwhile I’ve deliberately caused another bust up with my friend. A build up of annoyance at our one-sided friendship combined with a bit of mania and possibly now a mixed state because I feel angry and high and energetic and lethargic and sad all at once. Wanting to do everything and nothing. Anyway I pushed her progressively over a series of messages and she eventually said ‘eff you’ and that’s it. Hopefully I’ve wrecked the friendship because it’s too hard and I’m done. I don’t need friends like her. She makes me feel possessive because I always think she like averyone more than me so I feel I have to try harder. She makes me feel bad about myself. Worthless. Pathetic. This is why I don’t like close friendships with other women. I can’t do it.

Anyway, happy days!

Tams

[White_Rose]

Hello Tams

I am sorry you felt you had to part company with your friend. Are you feeling OK now? Friendship with women is often a different kind of friendship to that with men.

Of course women can be unkind, and that includes both of us, but they have different approach to comfort and are often more willing to talk about the minutia of life when you are too tired to look at the bigger issues. However you have a circle of friends to help you and that is good.

Will you discuss this with your psychiatrist when you next meet? I have always thought that psychiatrists were also therapists and I am surprised she is not talking more about your life. You said, I reckon I could cheat the professionals on this, I’m a skilled chameleon. I don't know anyone who has not tried this. I know I have. The problem is that you do not get well this way.

If a topic comes up that I find distressing I usually change the subject, but bit by bit I get there. If you want to get well you need to 'tell all' and ask for help. You mentioned mania in your last post. Do you have bipolar? I must dash out and I wanted to write more. I will get back to you.

Mary

[Tams20]

Hi Mary,

Yes I have Bipolar. I was in a bad state when I was referred to my psychiatrist by my GP as the ADs I was on were making me very unstable. So the focus with the psychiatrist to date has been getting my medication right to get me stable. We haven had much time for therapy yet as it’s been more questions about how I am feeling mood-wise. I think it is almost there with the meds, hence why she said we can talk about therapy at the next session.

My friend apologised. Sort of. She’s not great with apologies so it was a bit of an ‘I’m sorry, but it was your fault, you made me do it’ (I seem to have found a friend who is just like my husband...). I’m a bit exhausted by it all, as she probably is too. Very wary. Not sure what is going on with us really, none of my other friendships are like this one...

I was very tired when I wrote my last post and tiredness isn’t good for me. I’m very tired now too, away for work and have had some big days. I struggle to hold things together when I’m tired. But I’m having the day off tomorrow, a long long weekend, and am looking forward to relaxing.

Tams

[White_Rose]

Hello Tams

How are you going? I hope you are enjoying your long weekend and getting plenty of rest.

I see you post on This Bipolar Life. I think most people with bipolar find this thread very helpful and comforting to know others have similar experiences to you. The person who started this thread, Kazzl, had just been told she had bipolar and was changing from one medication to another. She describes her journey very well and I believe many others have been heartened to know she got through it even though it was a rough ride. Once you reach the other side, stable meds, acceptance of the wretched illness, and finding there is still a life to enjoy is a wonderful goal and reward.

What a complicated friendship you have. And yet you are still trying to make it work. I think many others would simply give up and have nothing more to do with each other. Perhaps you could let it lie for the moment. Stop texting until you feel able to start again. Or simply stop texting and see what happens.

I have a friend who was quite unwell several years ago. She would phone me on some pretext and then spend at least an hour telling me how unwell she was. As you can probably understand, this left me exhausted. I developed my own strategy for managing this. I wanted to support her but not at the cost of my own well-being. When she phoned I would listen, making the odd comment from time to time. After 20 minutes I would say I had to go and it would take at least another five minutes to put the phone down. Some times the conversations were much shorter if I had to go out.

I would phone her sometimes but still kept the conversation to 20 minutes. As she got stronger the calls became less frequent until now when we can have a more normal conversation. I still keep the call short and I feel bad about it because she is very lonely. I need to keep as well as possible for my sake and to be able to help her. It can be exhausting as you have found out.

I hope you and your psych can decide the best way to manage the therapy.

Mary