Thoughts of suicide when not ‘suicidal’?

[Tams20]

I’ve been struggling with depression lately and have been experiencing some very dark moods. I haven’t missed a day of work or caring for my family, even though I barely hold it together some days and my weekends are usually spent recovering. I’ve been on SSRIs for a few months that I feel aren’t working that well and have also scheduled a review with my GP this week. Am also going to ask for counselling just so that I can talk to someone about my issues, as I am not one for burdening friends and family with my problems.

Just recently I have started fantasising about a particular method of suicide. Quite graphic thoughts and planning (I won’t go into detail) that has gotten me so concerned that I now take steps so that I physically couldn’t do it. I don’t actually believe that I could do it, I don’t actually think that I am suicidal, but on some days I feel quite reckless about it, almost as if I’m daring myself to do it. I almost enjoy the thought of it. After the urge has passed I think if my kids and I feel like the worst person in the world.

Is this a common thing for when you’re depressed? Is it perhaps related to the medication?

Thanks.

[Tams20]

Hi Frosty,

Croix is right, you shouldn’t assume that the easing water level won’t last, the adjustment in meds might be what you need to start feeling better.

Psychologists aren’t able to prescribe medication, only psychiatrists. It might be worth asking your GP about it if you feel that things still aren’t improving. I must admit, I haven’t yet seen a psychologist so I can’t comment on therapy, at the moment I’m just trying to get the medication right then I’ll see how I go after that.

Croix - good advice re: getting out and going for a walk, I always find the exercise helps me to get out of my head. Love podcasts too, although I tend to listen to music any time I’m on the go. I find it helps with my mood.

Tams

[Tams20]

Hello everyone,

Frosty I think I’ve joined you in feeling ‘dark and shitty’... am away for a couple of days for work, staying in a nice hotel, things were going well today, then it all fell apart... thought I’d enjoy the peace and quiet of the hotel but I’m falling to pieces for no reason... well it is for a reason, but it’s a pathetic one and I hate myself for it. A stupid fixation and I don’t know whether it’s because I’m an idiot or because I’m bipolar... or both... either way I want it to stop. I can’t do this any more. I can’t even talk to anyone about it because it’s so stupid.

So I’m lying in bed plugged into my headphones listening to loud music, because if there’s one thing my mind can’t resist it’s pulling a song apart, trying to separate out all the different instruments... nothing shuts up the nonsense in my head like music. It got me through my troubled teenage years, it will have to get me through now too.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

Tams

[Croix]

Dear Tams~

Life throws things at us unasked, fixations included. They can be hard enough to live with. Please do not make you life harder by thinking you are an idiot, or have a particular illness as the cause. I don't know why but it is so easy to blame ourselves and conjure up faults to explain what is happening.

Maybe it is easier to do that than simply accept unfortunate things just happen, I am not sure.

There is no way you are anything but sensible. You have a coping strategy and that shows resource and resilience, plus you have at least one more (exercise) in your armory.

There is no way that problem no matter what it might be, is stupid.

Croix

[White_Rose]

Hello Frosty

Glad you enjoyed the poem. I find it helps me to remember that shitty days come and they go. The more fuss I make about them the longer the bad bits hang around. Lying in the trough is very peaceful.

I have always been a bit of a bookworm but these days I find I have lost my concentration after ten minutes. It's very disappointing. However I am reassured that others find this difficult as well.

Stopping and starting your medication is not wise as it means you may have withdrawal symptoms and decide the AD is not good for you. Stick with it. AD can take up to six weeks to become fully effective.

If the doctor has put you on a mental health plan you will not be able to go to the psychologist until Medicare have approved the plan and the psychologist. Once your GP has received the approval you can go ahead and make appointments.

Mary

[Tams20]

Hi Croix,

Thanks again for your ongoing support. Called my psychiatrist yesterday for a quick chat, she has adjusted the dosage of my meds to see whether I can get to a more stable position - fingers crossed!

My fixation issue is something that I could do without at the moment. I have periods where I deal with it ok, but unfortunately it’s not something that I can walk away from so easily - as much as I’d love to run away from it! Unfortunately the only way to deal with it is to be a mature adult... I do get annoyed at myself for creating these dilemmas... wish I could keep my life simple, but my brain seems to like keeping me on my toes... this is how it usually plays out...

Me: ‘I’m actually feeling quite content and happy at the moment, life is good 😊’

My brain: ‘Well well well - we can’t have that now, can we? Here’s a ridiculous problem, let’s see how well you cope with it’.

Anyway I hope you are happy and well?

Tams

[Croix]

Dear Tams~

It's funny you should put things that way. I've frequently thought I've a "quota" of anxiety to get through each day, and it will latch on to anything, often no logic behind it.

I've no doubt you will deal wiht this particular problem, plus getting frequent feedback to your psych and having those adjustments is another example of coping.

Yes I'm OK, sitting by the wood fire listening to the wind and Sumo Cat purring (after he found his biscuits)

Croix

[Frosty_34]

nice meeting you all

espcially u tams take care

byeee

[Tams20]

Hi Frosty,

Was nice to meet you too, where are you off to?

I will miss our chats...

Tams

[Tams20]

Hi everyone,

I hope you are keeping well and enjoying this cold weather.

I have been mostly good, but bad at times... I sought treatment in Jan for anxiety & depression and it was only when the ADs made me unstable that the Bipolar 2 diagnosis was made. I think the ADs have broken me... I've been seeing a pyschiatrist and am taking mood stabilisers but not yet on a treatment dose. I'm not where I want to be.

I have recently been leaning heavily on a friend of mine. Not so much to talk to about things, more to spend time together socialising, trying to forget my problems. She also leaned on me, about her abusive childhood, problems with her husband etc. Different problems, same need.

Things have changed recently, her marriage counselling appears to have salvaged her marriage and it feels to me as if she no longer needs me. I feel used and and abandoned. I think somehow I have formed an attachment to her, like people get attached to their therapist. A dependency. It's uncomfortable.

I flared up at her the other day. Not the first time, but definitely the worst. I was tired and on my way to work and took offence to the flippant way my she ditched our plans to catch up for coffee. After she was the one who suggested it. I fired back a really nasty message to her, cold and brutal. She messaged back saying I was out of order. I said maybe, but that it was how I felt.

24hrs later I sent a message to apologise. She sent a long message back saying that she feels like she's in high school and that she's too old for that. That our friendship clearly isn't healthy for either party. That she is sorry that I am always doubting our friendship, that she's in contact with me more than anyone else and it's still not enough, that she can't do any more. That it is starting to affect her and her family. She said she would have to take a step back. I asked her to give me one last chance to sort myself out. She said OK. I apologised again. She said 'be kind to yourself, things will be OK'.

The old me would never have retaliated, I would have been annoyed but I wouldn't have sent that message. I'm obviously still unstable. I had the opportunity for a close friendship and I've thrown it away. In my mind for a split second I thought life would be easier if she hated me.

Things have been OK with her since, but we're both a bit wary of each other. I'm trying to give her space but we have mutual friends. It's difficult.

I'm no good at friendships. Hopeless.

Tams

[smallwolf]

Tams,

It is funny (not in a 'ha ha' sense) how different people react. Me? I generally let the anger build up inside me. In this case you said that you retaliated. But I also think that the test of a real friendship, and indeed marriage, is to the able to overcome these situations, and the friendship continue from there. I think it would be natural for you both to be wary (or maybe mindful) of each other also.

Does she know the 'old you' would not have sent that message?

Then again, with my own issues, I received an email from a person when I was at my lowest and did not expect a response akin to get over it. I rang a support person who is also a friend of person that sent to the email, and he was able to get me to calm down. Relations with this person to this day are still a bit wary, but he is also more aware of what I am going through, and making attempts to understand.) It is a cliche but, "time heals all wounds"? I am also cagey with the the support person now.... because he also wants/needs me to return to work. And that is a double-edged sword. Wants me to get better. Wants me to get back to work.

You cannot undo what has been done. Be gentle with yourself. And maybe suggest to your friend that if she thinks you might be getting a little extreme, to give you a gentle nudge, so that you can ground yourself in the moment?

Tim