Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[golden82]

Hi Sleepy, seems to be a lot going on for you at the moment in life and on your thread. How do u feel about the Dx of ocpd? Do u relate at all? I know u don't like labels and i think the same way too.. but sometimes it can be a point to research up on and see if and how it is for u. To use it to your advantage i guess in knowing or learning how to feel better. I wish my mh team would do the same. I asked for a Dx and just got cPTSD with symptoms but i am sure there is more going on eg i can relate a bit to the ocpd. Not that i want a label either, but to have info to work to improve mh. It sounds as tho you have a good psych and certainly one who is actively working .. i have found most to be v lazy and get nowhere. I think u are making progress.

Also good for you to get access to your records. I didn't even know we could. I recall i asked some years ago in hospital and i got told off for asking and put back in my place. I can believe staff all telling u different things and still denying u .. it is the way the world is. Just red tape and everyone trying to cover and bs their way through things. Not to mention the power imbalance. I am going thru an issue with a community team not returning my messages and calls for 2 weeks with just excuses and fluff. Making mh worse. They are trying to stop me from continuing to work with my previous counsellor. Since July last yr. With no reasons. Bullying with power imbalance. Even the receptionist was rude and hung up on me. They treat us as stupid and stigmatize us because we have mh struggles. As if that makes us less than them. And to put up with it. I am no dummy.. i have uni degrees and qualifications that far surpass theirs. But it upsets me they treat us this way. And moreso i worry of the ppl who don't have the education or lack the confidence to keep advocating for themselves. You and the ppl on here are all very bright.. keep on pursuing your cause to see your records Sleepy- don't let them knock u down. Maybe keep some records of all your attempts and their responses. Dates times who it was etc; if you need to just to cover your tracks. There has been good info here from others too. Good luck with it 🙂

[Guest_1643]

Hi Golden,

I have tried to get ahold of ,yncase manager for weeks with messages apparently being passed on and I get a little too hurt by it all, I can relate to how that treatment makes mh worse.

I hope u can see Ur old psychologist and get say and respect over what feels good for u.

Ocpd...I was diagnosed with it maybe 4 months ago (in this report !). I felt a but frustrated by it and limited.

But I know I have a personality disorder, and in some ways I can use the ocpd to warn myself when I am becoming to black and white. I am torn because I don't believe in personality disorders and have issues with how bpd is attached to women.

I don't have that, and she made that clear, but it's a very stigmatised dx.

Thank u for Ur insight as laziness has been my experience of drs too. My current one is not lazy. He's a bit distracted sometimes, but he's rigorous and thorough.

Re being smart, I'm terrified soon I'll be discharged from my mental health team for being smart....asking questions.

The power imbalance is awful.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Golden, I do feel a bit beaten. I am gathering courage to bother them about it again On Monday, tomorrow.

On Tuesday I have my time to see my records with the psychologist present , and I can take notes.

I told her I have a photographic memory, and will internalise and read what is written anyway, record it like a snapshot.

She laughed. Demoralising and silly beurocracy.

I've been feeling agoraphobic, but pushing myself to go out a bit more each day.

I Get scared of making small talk and feeling exposed when I leave my house, i also find it hard to put on clothes, and feel self conscious,

Today I wore a huge jumper but it was hot, maybe not best outfit.

I do benefit fro, getting outside. It's scary and confronting but when I do it, it's helpful

Then I give myself permission to stay home and binge TV shows.

Did u have luck with the trials Dear Golden?

I've found some good stuff on netfix. A recent unsettling watch was the movie The Lost Daughter and the TV show Maid.

[golden82]

Hi Sleepy,

I hope u are having a good day today. You write about things so similar to what I experience and how I feel - thought processes etc - it is uncanny! But I guess maybe it is common for ppl who have lived so much trauma and are just trying to do their best to get through each day. It is good you keep pushing yourself outside. It does make a big difference to escape the 4 walls (and our mind). I haven't tried the online TV stuff, but I did borrow a ton of books, jigsaw puzzles and DVDs from the library late last year. Lots of kid DVDs cartoons and stuff. I couldn't focus on a full DVD and so someone on a helpline suggested the cartoons as a way to ease into it. It has worked okay so far.

I wish you the best of luck tomorrow for viewing your records. I am really impressed that you have managed to get that far to do so - and quite quickly. Maybe they are a bit scared of you and asserting your rights so well. I have always been bullied and squashed. Stay strong tomorrow. I think it is rude that lady laughed - I don't doubt you have a good memory. I know mine is good too. Let her/them laugh and underestimate you. You can laugh about it on the inside 🙂 Maybe set a show to watch when you are home from it so as you have an unwind.

[Guest_1643]

hi golden,

i feel so surprised when i read that someone else goes through the same stuff, I feel so alone! So I know it can be really validating to read someone knows what we go through!!

I'm feeling really shaky, the report... well.. .it was so upsetting.

there were endless mistakes - including, the name of my brother, all of my relationships history, and some of the words... some fo the terms, were so hard to read.

I'm trying to keep head above water, but argh.

I feel pretty sensitive.

I think she will change some of it, but who knows.

I'm feeling over it

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

Golden I am glad cartoons are a good watch for u, I like watching kids movies too, it's so nice when the storyline has clear values and morals.

Thoughts today are be careful seeking mh treatment....

My report was so weird, she misunderstood tonnes of things fr I m basic names and dates and got defensiveewhen I picked them up.

She made up a whole part of relationship history describing a teenage relationship where I dated a guy but he kept me a secret from his friends.

Never happened, no secret.

Then when I pulled her up in it, again it's all my issue, I was v a gue and incoherent in that session hence she was confused.

She wrote I needed prompting and wasn't clear, but also that I'm interesting, intelligent and sharp.

It's almost as if these ppl don't understand what trauma is at all, and expect us to cry for them when we tell our story, If not, we're too distant and vague.

The situations they put us in are weird and confronting, being interviewee by a stranger about my dating history for hours

What is the normal response?

[Guest_1055]

Being defensive is a bit not professional, I would say.

Nor is not writing the report honestly.

I wonder if its time to get an advocate on your behalf Sleepy.? Not sure how they work. Or where to get one.

You need people on your team that you can trust, that genuinely care about you, and that can help you the best way possible to live your life well.

If you are not happy with any of them, can you get different people?

[golden82]

Hi Sleepy and Hi Shell 🙂

I agree with what Shell wrote. When u mentioned your psych making it your problem that is a red flag for me. If ppl especially professionals and especially when in mh - cannot take on board constructive criticism and flip it back on you.. nah not good at all Sleepy. I have had that once too when I mentioned something to my psych pretty minor but because I spoke up she said she was sensing anger issues with me, lol. Okay then. It is your call but I am sure there is better out there for you. And these days with telehealth u can source the best in the field from anywhere in Australia. I know it is not the same as f2f but you have endless options. You do not need to settle for someone who stuffs up, doesn't accept their stuff ups and places the blame back on you. This is something we go thru in abuse and why we are seeking help in the first place. It screams narc and bullying/ abuse of the power imbalance

I think u are far enough in your recovery to keep getting the best services - the incompetent or lazy etc just set back. I am in process of what to do with mine too. After getting nowhere (worse) for 2 years just constantly being told that getting worse is actually getting better?? BS not for 2 years. All I know is when I started 'therapy' 2 yrs ago I occasionally had thoughts of rip; now they are constant. I feel most of my team are not invested in helping me - just a job eg psych has never written a letter to GP in the 2yrs - no communication of things - like what is that about - just not invested. I am considering quitting all therapy permanently and just getting on with living as best I can. I think in a lot of cases more harm than good is done. It seems that way for me. I take your point of being careful of mh ppl and no, I don't think they get trauma (v few do). And even then it is individual. All mine does is talk and no going through it all to help me. Talking makes it worse for me. Agreed re the crying - on the v few occasions I have cried a bit my psych thinks I am in a worse spot just because there are some tears. I say no, I always feel like this - just because I am crying doesn't mean anything. I think these sorts of ppl have zero clue.

I hope u can unwind and get some sleep after a tough day.

[Jacqui51]

Hi Sleepy, I agree with many comments made by others. It sounds like an incompetent professional trying to make excuses. Getting names, dates and even creating events is criminal for a professional. You deserve a lot better.

As shared I like others have had to deal with incompetent, uncaring arrogant mh people in the past. It is wrong that they try to blame you.

Regarding foi. When in hospital nearly 30 years ago I could not understand what was going on in my treatment and asked to read my notes. Eventually they allowed this. I was an inpatient at the time. Foi was denied until i pushed hard. I now see it as an excuse as often they do not want to be held accountable for their treatment of you. My memories of reading my notes were feelings of extreme hurt, trauma and more. The things they interpreted and claimed were so far from how I perceived things. Allowing for my health at that time the discrepancies were still huge.

Please remember who you are, that these individuals are the ones at fault not you.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Golden,

I had a really bad therapist and they also spun it thati was getting better. I reported them to ahpra but found that a waste of time.

I felt the report was sloppy, wrong and cruel

They got names, dates, ages etc back and said I have ocpd but now I don't trust it because they didn't get me.

Then my own private psych agreed with it and I feel like he's as u said golden, a bit of a time water.

I'm not upset from the report but upset at the process which was traumatising, I feel scared of the hopsitla now which I didn't before.