Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[golden82]

Hi Sleepy, i think i understand you. I am in a very similar position all alone. Even having important days alone. I have family of origin living nearby; but they are so bad to me that i have to not engage. Not seen them for years. It is really sad but the only way. So in reality i have no family. I am sorry it is that way for you too. But from reading your posts it sounds as though you have some good friends. I agree with MM that friends can be your chosen family. I keep a distance as even friends have hurt me. So i think boundaries are good. You sound like you are making so much effort to have a better life. On the apt side of things, but also just how you do things. Maybe you can't see it, but you are actually doing lots of positives. Your holiday too. Like wow that is amazing, i can barely get to the local shops as afraid and i see you pushing thru and getting it done. I think those things are huge! And good to keep doing if they help you. I think those feelings of overwhelm at home are common.. i just sit and too depressed to do housework. Which then makes me more depressed. Baby steps and 1 small task is a good way to go i find. Whatever u can manage. Take care Sleepy 🙂

[Guest_1643]

Hi Monkey,

The psych supports me blocking them but I don't think he knows how sad I feel about it. I'm happy they're far away and I don't have to deal with them but I still feel defective being alone. It used to be hard for me to keep boundaries and I'd speak to them, they'd guilt me into it.

I appreciate ur message which reminds me how far I've come.

I know what it's like to have a toxic father and it can be very scary. Thanks for empathising and validating how tricky it is.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Golden,

Thank u for dropping by and I feel privileged!

I feel a bit better after a rough few days ....it is hard to go away...definitely triggers....thanks for seeing the progress.

I had a very lonely birthday last year so I know what u ,ran about milestones being spent alone. I think if u have family, u don't have to try so hard to make bonds....u don't need anyone else...but I've always felt alone inside, because I started my life feeling that way. I feel more like a lone wolf.

I am generally pretty alone...and to top it off...

I have a new diagnosis.

it is one I had not heard of before. It's ocpd, a personality disorder which is about being very set in rules, rigid, particular....and having trauma as a background. I have now a ten page report on this but the hospital won't let me see it because they think it's too jargon y for me to read.

I'm pushing that they will let me read it.

[therising]

Hi Sleepy21

Wondering how you're feeling about the new diagnosis. Wondering if you're relieved in a way, where it helps you make better sense of why you feel compelled to do the things you do. I've found, from personal experience, a diagnosis is only good if it works toward helping better understand our self, otherwise it's nothing more than an unhelpful label.

What I mean by the unhelpful label aspect, I can recall my years in depression where being diagnosed with chronic depression didn't really get me anywhere other than into the trial and error process of anti depressants and into therapy which didn't really make any significant difference when it came to helping me better understand myself. Throughout all those years, no one ever gave me the down low on why I was prone to depression or how I could really manage being incredibly sensitive to what can be triggering and seriously depressing. No one ever explained how the ability to sense what's depressing could impact my life in so many ways, leading to such disorder and distress at times. It was never defined in the way of ability, depression always felt like my fault in so many ways. The true chemical impact of depression on the mind and body also wasn't something that was explained to me. The majority of my self understanding and understanding of depression was gained after coming out of a decade and a half in depression, through a heck of a lot of research and some brilliant guides along the way who I wished I'd met much earlier in life.

I'd like to imagine that the new diagnosis you've been given helps you in so many ways in regard to the way forward. I believe you're fully entitled to have that report broken down into layman's terms, especially if it's going to help you. Do you feel you'd get some relief and helpful information if you spoke to someone and said something along the lines of 'I'd like to make an appointment to specifically discuss the findings in the report'? If the response happens to be 'Look, you really don't need to know what's specifically in the report', I imagine your response to that to be 'Of course I do, self knowledge is a powerful tool'.

Hope you get what you need 🙂

[Chris_Tas]

How are you today sleepy?

[Chris_Tas]

You are legally entitled to tgat report Sleepy.

It's about you and you have every to access it.

Whether it's in your interests to do is a different matter (I demanded my hospital notes and to be honest it made me feel worse)

[Guest_1643]

Hi Chris,

I'm feeling a bit shaky today, but better than the past few days.

They've told me it's a psychological report and not included under f.o.i but they have consented to give me 2 hours where I can see it and write notes. The psychologist who wrote it called me today. I don't really connect to the diagnosis but the report may have so,ething useful in it.

What upsets me is that my whole care team has seen it, I feel excluded.

[Chris_Tas]

Hi Sleepy.

No that is not correct despite their claims.

Yes it's illegal if provided to a 3rd party without your consent, if provided to anyone outside you then you can access the information.

Private notes made by a Counsellor or Psychiatrist then yes no FOI exists as it hasn't been seen to damage you in any way.

I'd move on and start afresh but that's just how I'd handle it.

Chris

[Guest_1643]

Thanks Chris, I think it's potentially different it'd a psychological report, is that different different clinical recrods? I saw a psychologist in the public hopsital for the purpose of assessing me to be sent to spectrum, and maybe get funding or support. It might be used for the ndis.

I thought it was weird too but they would let me have it...maybe the psychologist didn't know what she was talking about it.

My Dr and private team encouraged me to advocate and see it and thought it was fine for me to see. I think it's about 12 pages.

It's a public treating team, and I am just dealing with rhe psychologist but she's made an appointment with me to show it to me. If it's only 12 pages i feel confident I can take it in, make notes and get the gist. I have an academic background in mh.

[Chris_Tas]

Yes you can access all information said about you.

Do not believe what an idiot says to you on phone or in person otherwise.

If you require (free) assistance on this please let me know.