Thinking about death.... all the time...

Guest_1643 · ‎24-12-2020

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

monkey_magic · ‎12-06-2021

Hi Sleepy,

The most untrustworthy profession I have personally experience is psychiatry. They do a great deal of covering things up. I'm not surprised you weren't believed.You are correct in what you feel. Do not let them sway you, stand firm, and pay no attention to them. It's not worth your headspace.

Many many psychiatrists make you feel beneath them. It's a form of abuse. I've had loads of experience with these people.

There's a lot of people speaking up about their experiences and they all say they were not believed. It's how they con you. Pay no attention.

Guest_1643 · ‎12-06-2021

hey there

totally agree with psychaitry but i also believe there is emancipatory potential in it to have a caring and kind doctor, which mine is.

ive been absed and not believed by doctors since i was young and medicated. I am very appreciative of my lovely, funny and supportive psychiatrist 🙂

Guest_1643 · ‎12-06-2021

hi Katy I felt seen when he asked what i had for him lol

i'm orgnised and ready and proud of that for me 🙂

yay

Boudica · ‎13-06-2021

Hey Sleepy,

So happy lockdown is over for you. Fingers crossed it will be the last. Vaccination seems to be rolling out faster now. I am booked in to have be jab next month.

I tend to avoid doctors of any sort for myself, like yourself, did not have such a great experience of them when younger. I see psych & psychiatrist with my son (due to his autism), and they really are lovely (and humorous). I think for my a sense of humour makes a huge difference.

I am trying to talk myself in to going to the GP to get a health check, as I have not done this at all since my son was born 12 years ago. I have just had my son's dad over here pressuring me to go and do it, and now I feel guilty about it, it is such a small thing to do.

I love post it notes too 😉 it pays to be organised, well done!

Guest_1643 · ‎14-06-2021

Hi Boudica,

I can understand avoiding doctors. They are often so unhelpful.
It took me ages and a lot of strategic manouevering to find a doctor who was okay.

I had gps gaslight me for years and write mean letters about me behind my back and generally make me feel hopeless

Is the psych u see for ur son a child psych? when i was at hospital i saw a few young ppl who were managed by child psychs an the psychs seemed really n ice and lovely.

Im glad ur son's doc is humourous. Makes huge difference

Guest_1643 · ‎14-06-2021

hey Boudica, i can understand not wanting to go to the doctor, it is hard to find a good one and get good help

i dont go to the GP very often and find the help offered there limited, but I did go last week when i was really struggling with lockdown and it was very beneficial.

Good luck for getting ur vaccination, i haven't had mine yet and don't know when i'll get offered to as i'm under 40. I think it's great that ppl can get it more easily now

Boudica · ‎15-06-2021

Hi Sleepy,

I go to the GP every 2 years to get my scripts written for my asthma meds. But the clinic is like a factory, I walk in ask for the script, they print and hand it to me, and I leave. They have never asked anything about my actual asthma! This doesn't bother me as I am healthy, but would hate to rely on them if I was actually sick and needed help.

I called to book as soon as the vaccine became available to over 40's, as I have people in my family that are immunosuppressed at the moment.

I don't have any specific health problems, but I am overdue for the women's health checks! Urrgh, the horror! Do you keep up with pap smears? I really don't know where I can go that I will feel ok for this. I have several very ill family members that are worried about my health because of their own illness.
That is horrible to be gaslighted by your own GP. I haven't had that trouble, I have mostly found total lack of interest and being brushed off when I have needed help with actual medical issue that were challenging me though.

How are things now that your lockdown is over? Have you been able to reengage with your art therapy etc?

Guest_1643 · ‎15-06-2021

Hi Bou!

I entered the MH system at 18 and had no family support

Young and a bit vulnerable and emotional, a lot of doctors gaslit me. My Gp asked me if i'd ever had anything bad happen to me. I told him I'd had an abusive r/ship

From 16-18 I had a long term boyfriend who used to insult me and manipulate me. Whoah.
The gp said "that probably wasn't significant."
And I shut up about it for a few years. Of course it was significant. Why do we treat young women like they are stupid? I was down and vulnerable, but not stupid. The body knows the score.

I totally hear u and can visualise that gps office

It is a kind of gaslighting which makes u feel like u are dramatic to even come there and ask a gp aything

my gp called me today, I couldn't find any post its, but I wrote a little list down again. I do feel like some of my questions are dumb. Sometimes I'm very sensitive to his response.

I have been taking a medication for depression and I asked him about another one... He told me to wait while this one gets to work. I'm tired 😞 I hate waiting. It's hard when u don't understand how they work. But probably worth it, I guess.

i was thinking today about how I have not seen my psychiatrist's face ever. It will be very weird to meet without a mask. Life has sure changed.

I don't think u have anything to feel guilty about or worried about not going to the GP etc... its ur body and u know what it needs! I go a lot more often, and i can't say in the past its been helpful, unless i have a very very good gp (which took years to get onto).

Now I go when I feel a bit low or at risk with my mental health, and he then checks in on me for a few days as he did last week. It depends on how much I need.

Jstar49 · ‎16-06-2021

Hey Sleepy,

I've been sick with flu- sleeping on the couch, and feeling awful. Trying not to make anyone else sick 😞

So glad lockdowns have lifted and some normality can resume- thats a relief!

Thats so awful about the Dr minimising your abusive r/ship- unbelievable! Ignoramous!!

I think there's been a heap more awareness and movies made lately which really highlight how bad MH can happen to anyone, it doesn't take what could be considered full on trauma, we get traumatised by life events, like the r/ship you talked about, or the way our parents treated us, or the confusion of living a life which has meaning, in a world which seems intent on making life unlivable.... Sorry. Bit of a rant, been watching David Attenborough. And Seaspiracy- so good. Decided I'm never eating fish again, unless I catch it, becos of the massive overfishing issue and the effect that has on our whole ecosystem/planet, not just the seas. But if we all stopped eating fish, then nature will rebalance and healthy oceans means healthy planet....:) A smile for our day!😊

I have been watching other, lighter stuff too-I just can't think of any right now! Sorry! Not very distracting I guess.

Anyway, it sounds like you're working out how to navigate your Dr/patient relationship with your GP, and learning to trust yourself- WIN!

I reckon the thing is to not trust anyone, 100%. Not even ourselves, I guess, becos there's times when I'm just not thinking straight and not making the best decisions. But to know what we can trust people with. Sounds like you can trust your Dr to be straight with you. And to listen, fairly well. And to show that he values you.

I guess the process of getting better is taking back the reins. Learning to judge what is best for me, and what I will use to help me make decisions. Like my own guiding principles.

Anyway, I probably need to get a decent sleep, not all better yet.

Take care Sleepy.

PS Boudicca for pap smears etc I go to a womens health centre. Thats NSW. Not sure what they are in other states. All women, and a totally different vibe. I've gone all my life, ever since discovering them as a teenager newly arrived in the city. Lareger towns have them too.

Cheers,

J*

Boudica · ‎17-06-2021

Hey Sleepy,

Your early GP experience sounds awful, but unfortunately unsurprising. When a GP responds like that, they normalize the abusive behaviour and prevent people getting help. If a young person gets this sort of response they are likely to bottle up and not approach for help again for ages, if ever, just as you did. What a difference this can make to someone's life. When I was 13, I told one person about my CSA experience, and they just brushed it off, so I never mentioned it to anyone else ever, they were not a doctor though.

I know medication can be really life changing for some. Without my son's meds, he would not be stable enough to attend school. When he changed at Christmas it took a month for the new meds to really work well, and he was intense! I avoid meds for myself though. I was put on anxiety meds as a teenager, but took too many (deliberately). It was not a good experience, and since then I stay away.

It would be weird seeing psych with a facemask. My son only had to do that for a couple of visits, then went back to normal. It really hinders communication, I was surprised by how much. Hopefully you don't have to put up with that for too much longer.

The reason I am being pestered by family re health is we have bad genes! There is a high incidence of breast cancer in my family (all women in 3 generations of mums family have had it), plus a hereditary neurological disease. Mum went through breast cancer previously (so has breast implants), but now has NH lymphoma and cerebellar syndrome. In Australia survival rates for breast cancer are now around 90%, so it is not something I really worry about, and I'm not old enough to need regular mammograms yet. My ex is facing major surgery for cancer soon, hence he is contemplating the possibility of our son losing him and then myself if I do not look after my health (he is only 42 and otherwise healthy, so I think he will get through the surgery fine, but it will leave him with a very changed body).

I am glad you found a GP you can rely on to check up on you when you need it. It's great that you have been able to reach out in that way too. The post its are a good idea. I understand being sensitive to their response to your concerns, it is only natural. I hope they always take you seriously.