Thinking about death.... all the time...

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

I've been struggling for 3 weeks with suicidal thoughts

My new GP is amazing

He tells me to think of suicidal thoughts as a symptom maybe a solution

Could he be right?

Today he assigned someone to give me a call to check in on my safety. I don't think that will happen. I've not received the call.
Small things like this lead to rage, hurt and fear for me.

And so I am left to deal with the thoughts alone.

[Jstar49]

Hi Sleepy, hi all,

Hmm, why is Betty Blue so awesome.... well, right from the start it’s different. There’s a reality to it, and being a French film there’s a lot of nudity, but it’s done in that lovely way the French have, so natural.
I guess as it deals with MH issues it mite be good to give you a heads up. Betty is passionate and impulsive. Possibly bipolar? But it was made before anyone knew or talked about bipolar.
The ending, which I won’t tell you, is..... like the most romantic tribute to a beautiful woman who wasn’t going to get the help she needed. Treatment  was so different back then. 

Watching it recently made me aware of how lucky we are now, to know so much about MH issues, and be dealing with things very differently. It’s not perfect, but it’s a heck of a lot better.
Lockdown would be sooo hard, I’m so sorry for you all down there Sleepy. I guess one thing it’s doing is getting ppl to vaccinate. If you agree with it, that is. I’m not sure myself. So many aren’t sure- I wonder if we will ever get to the 90% that they think we need for herd immunity. I’m beginning to think I need to get it, if only to better protect the ppl I work with.
I love that you’re getting into art Sleepy. I honestly think it was so important to my recovery.
Cheers,

J*

[Guest_1643]

hi all

how's everyone's night?

this night has been so anxiety provoking, it's all a lot being in this lockdown and having just my own thoughts

thankful for an extra hot coffee today which cheered me up immensely. And for having washed my clothes, things I havent done normally or routinely since discharge from hospital a fair bit ago.
I've not really settled back in.

I hate being on my own with my thoughts... bit awful... but feel like i've got through the worst of it. I'll be glued to the news for the next few days hoping this is over soon.

It's tiring and heavy and just doesn't feel right in Melbourne atm... i'm so tired of the unpredictability and living on edge.

My friend's mother in law passed which is hard and i keep wanting to help but not sure how. Sadly they had a very small funeral.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Sleepy

It is hard being alone with your thoughts, I fully agree. I'm glad you managed to find some positives in amongst what obviously doesn't feel too good atm. I share your appreciation for a good cup of coffee.

Have you read/watched anything good lately? I'm rewatching Parks and Recreation on netflix as it's one of those no-brainer type things that's easy to watch.

Thinking of you, buddy! Katy x

[Guest_1643]

Hi Katy - you hit the nail on the head, my GP told me to redirect myself to more lighthearted things... I've been watching John Oliver's news show - it's just him infront of a changing backdrop of vids and images and his sassy political commentary - the least triggering thing ever!!

I love Parcs and Recreation!! I'm rewatching Dead to Me when I can handle it, and I watched Russian Doll on netflix as well, which was sad and beautiful. It's hard to find that light-hearted note.

A good cup of coffee, it's the little things, isn't it? How are ur plants going? What arrangements are u enjoying atm? Have u got any new ones?

I bought a kmart rattan cabinet that I'm just staring at becauseI can't put it together, but hopefully that will be a fun lockdown addition. My thoughts dn't like to be with me alone at home too long... distractions are needed for me.

[Guest_1643]

hey everyone!

good news for us in victoria that we can get out and about hopefully soon.

I foundthis lockdown shook me up a lot and i'm still feeling horrble from it

There's been confusing messages from my relatives or friends atm and i've not had tonnes of support IRL

i miss my support group which went to distance support (not as good, and u dont get to choose how u engage with the service, it's all very set up and only certain staff members are assisting with the distance support group)

My doctor (psychiatrist) is still around as usual but he really annoyed me last week. I suffered withdrawl from a medication I took short term to assist with sleep. he made me feel like that couldn't have occured however when i spoke to my gp he said it sounds very much like typical withdrawl. I had not really stood by my experience, and the medical model hit me hard again. I know my own body!!!!! (repeat 10 times, til u believe it - note to self...)

I will see my doctor soon and hope i dn't explode with anger that he dismissd my sympoms. It's not great to doubt ur own reality if a doctor tells u, pretty much exactly what I did...

Anyone reading or watching anything good?
I can't read much but find it helpful when I do x sending love

sleepy

[Guest_1055]

That's right Sleepy you do know your own body.

[Guest_1643]

thank u shelll!

how are u?

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Sleepy

I'm watching the ABC news and it looks like they're about to do the live covid update. Crossing my fingers for good news for you! I see you guys have been having some crazy weather over your way too. Hope it's all ok in your area. It's cold and rainy here and I've put all my pot plants out for a nice soaking.

Those rattan cabinets from Kmart are lovely! I hope you manage to get it put together. Maybe you'll be able to find someone to help at some point.

In regard to medical professionals dismissing our concerns, I really hope you feel able to say something. You're right - we're the experts in our own lives.

I watched Dr Sleep yesterday lol. I couldn't find anything to watch so I went with a horror. It was ok though. I went and got soup and a bread roll from the soup van and snuggled up on the couch and watched it. Not so bad for a cold rainy evening.

Crossing my fingers for a good outcome re lockdown for you. Hugs, Katy x

[Guest_1643]

Hi Katy,

I think I can understand how soothing it would be to see the soup fan and taste the love in the soup... it sounds like u value and enjoy the community spirit 🙂

dr sleep sounds scary but not bad!

My dr is funny. I told him today and he took it on board and ill not take that medication. I have found one that I feel comfortable with that I'm trialling for the first time tonight.

I came in with a small yellow post-it note for today of items to discuss with the doctor

"Okay sleepy, what have you got for me today?" - "a fair bit - i said."

and item 1 was - never taking that medication again. i did add afterwards that even though the withdrawl was an unlikely side-affect, I'm certain I had it. He said good to know and that's fine - never again.

We talked a bit about how I watch dark shows/content when i'm depressed and he suggested a movie to me which he seemed to love!

i'm so tired from this lockdown,what an emotional roller coaster. Peersupport from bb keeps me going.
There's nothing like having someone who understands. Thanks Katy, Boudica, Shelll, Mark , Em Delectable Kooradto. I'm sorry i left ppl out before. I was so upset and distressed during the lockdown. x

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hey sleepy

Hope today looked a little better for ya. Love the post it note - good on you!

Katy