Taking antidepressents for the first time tomorrow morning.

[Cesca1557]

Hi,

Im not really sure why im posting this but Im feeling really unsure about taking medication tomorrow. I have had depression for about 7 years, but at the beginning my mum thought i was too young (i was 12-13), and its only now that I have finally decided that I need something else to help as I cant seem to make myself happy on my own.
I am really hopefull for what the antidepressents will do, but I am also really worried. My father has bipolar, and I am really worried that by taking them, it could trigger it in me. I dont have bipolar my self, but due to the genetic predisposition to it and the increased chance of getting it as my dad has it, im really worried that this might be enough to set it off.
As much as I want to be happy, if it risked me going through what he has gone through and put us through over the years, I wouldnt do it.

Sorry, im not really sure what the point of this was, I think I just wanted to vent a little bit.

Cesca

[Cesca1557]

hi m,
thankyou. i really am trying my best.
my worry is that rather than being okay or feeling better, it will just be that ive pushed my emotions away again so that i feel better but im not actually better as things will happen to cause everything to boil over again and everything i havent dealt with will come out. if that makes sense
i will have a look on the thread later today after i (hopefully) do feel a bit better and am more able to think of something that i am proud of myself doing.
thankyou m, means a lot

sending big hugs

[Peppermintbach]

Hey Cesca,

I am glad so many of your other friends are showering you with support and encouragement.

I didn't know about your grandad. I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Grief and loss is always very, very rough.

It must be hard when a previously great source of comfort and joy- your friends- has become something of the opposite recently. Sighs...life huh...

I appreciate your openness about you SH urges and SI. Clearly, you have been struggling immensely but I'm glad to hear that you don't think you will act on those thoughts.

Sorry, I'm not sure if you have one already. But is it okay if I suggest creating a safety plan as a precaution (if you don't already have one)? I mean, it's up to you of course but perhaps you could bring it up with you psychologist when you see him/her next who can assist you with one...sorry if I'm covering stuff you already know about. I just figured it wouldn't hurt to mention it to you.

Yeah, you do sound as though your emotions have been rocky, such as, transitioning from feeling defeated to feeling emotionally numb. Sometimes I find when I've been emotionally drained for a while that I can suddenly go a tad numb; my guess is it's our body's way of self protection/energy conservation from our otherwise overwhelming emotions. I wonder if that's maybe the case for you...me and my random theories....

Anyway, I'm sending you comforting thoughts and know that regardless of whether you're feeling numb or despondent, you don't have to do it alone.

Pepper xo

[Cesca1557]

hey pepper,
thankyou, it was really tough losing him. but in a way it was a nice way to see a lot of the family again.

ive actually spoken it through with my friend and we have both cleared the air and have worked it through so im glad that we are both now able to move forward from the misunderstanding in a sense.

im feeling better today, although am very sick but hoping to get to sleep early tonight and will feel better tomorrow. its frustrating because with my AD's, i cant take a lot of different cold meds as they interact badly or weirdly together, and i wasnt able to make an appointment with my doctor to find out what i could do to help the cold. so just hoping it goes away soon on its own.
definitely agree with the numbness being some form of self protection thing, as if your body is shutting down and its the way it copes with trying not to feel anything at all, rather than feel all the emotions that are just too painful.
thanks pepper,

means a lot

thinking of you too

[swtpotato]

Hi Cesca!

I am really glad you've worked it out with your friend. It can be hard to have those conversations but so rewarding too - I'm really bad at them so I'm just admiring you just going and doing it.

Sorry to hear you are sick, tough when everything else is going on, never know what symptoms come from what. Like am I tired from the cold, from having too much anxiety, the depression, or just because I'm tired..? who knows.

Rest up and hope you it passes soon. Been watching any tv to distract yourself?

I've been thinking of you, just hoping you are okay.

m

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Cesca,

I'm glad m has been here supporting you.

And I'm glad things are working out between you and your friend.

I hope you managed to get some sleep last night and that you can shake this blasted cold (presumably?) soon.

Kind thoughts and loads of hugs,

Pepper xoxo

[Cesca1557]

hey m,

i'm usually so bad at them as well so was pretty nervous to have the conversation but happy i did as it definitely helped and it improved my mood as well knowing that the worst case scenairo (which my mind automatically goes to things has happened) - that no one likes me, including her, wasnt actually true.
Yes its really frustrating! especially since i go back to uni tomorrow after our week break and i wanted to be more on top of everything which wont happen now!
Yes, ive been watching a lot of tv 🙂
thankyou m,

hoping your day has been okay as well

[Cesca1557]

hey pepper,

i know you probably wont see this for a while as you are taking some well deserved 'me' time, but thank you for checking in

I didnt sleep that well last night, and slept through all my alarms this morning, and sadly not feeling better yet but i feel slightly less sick than i did yesterday which is a start!
thinking of you

sending big big hugs

[Cesca1557]

I know that all the people who reply to my thread (apart from m) are away, or taking a well deserved break or respite, but i just needed to vent a little bit.
I just had dinner with my family (im house sitting at the moment so not staying at home for the week), and i felt more alone when i was there than i have all day when i actually was alone. I still havent told them about the antidepressents yet, but i dont know if i want to. They have never been there for me throughout the years and I can only imagine what my mum would say to the rest of her sisters and friends when she found out. Dont get me wrong, she is an incredible mother but emotionally, she is not there for me or supportive.

Ive also felt a different type of empty today and yesterday, i dont know quite how to explain it. Ive felt slight emotions but they have been so dull, id almost rather just feeling nothing at all. I also have no motivation to do anything. Ive always been able to motivate myself with uni work but I cant seem to do it anymore. I stare at the work and nothing seems to be stored properly in my memory, it all comes in one ear and out the other. I just dont know what to do. the one thing ive always been good at is school, but now i feel like i dont even have that, as if i cant learn all the info, I wont do well on the midsem exams and then the end of semester exams which are coming up.
I just dont know what to do. I just dont know how to keep doing this all and stay hopeful that things will get better

[Cesca1557]

I know im just venting to myself again, but i dont have anyone in the 'real world' that i cant talk to at the moment and im just struggling.

I havent been able to shake off this weird numb feeling (not a normal numb feeling, its slightly different, i just dont know how to describe it) for several days. ive felt nothing for several days and its driving me crazy. I just want to feel something, i dont care what it is i just want to feel SOMETHING.

I have also lost so much motivation for everything. I cant seem to get out of bed, and im so tired all the time. Its never been like this before and I dont know what to do.
Part of me just wants to stop uni, which is crazy as ive worked so hard for this. I want to be a doctor for gods sake, which means i have to do really well and its can definitley happen if i keep working how i have been as I will be able to get the grades. but i just dont care anymore. like when i think about the future, i want to do medecine, and i know i need to work hard to get that, but right not, i just dont want to look at my notes or learn anything. i cant concentrate, i cant think. i just dont know what to do.

[Cesca1557]

I havent felt anything since i got back from a friends house last week, thats almost 5 days of feeling nothing. Well, appart from feelings stressed and exhausted. but stressed is more that my mind cant seem to stop thinking about 1000's of different things that i need to get done, and my heart is beating so fast. and the exhausted bit isnt really a feeling, im just drained.

I just want to feel something. anything. ive never gone this long with feeling numb before. i know its wishfull thinking but im hoping tomorrow morning when i wake up i can feel things again. even just little things, just something.

I cant sleep in tomorrow as I have a practical session at uni in the morning, but my mind isnt stopping so i dont think ill be getting much sleep tonight. I only have one more melatonin left, but would prefer to wait and use that the day before my tests next week.

i also dont really have the money to buy more for a week or two, as i have a psych appointment on thursday which will cost just over $100 even with the MHC rebate thing :/. and it was my brothers birthday today so i just spent a bit of money on him for presents. and last week i paid for my flights interstate for the funeral which was a few hundred dollars i wasnt expecting to pay, mum said she will give some of it back though! and my phone bill money is being taken out of my account in the next few days so i just dont have the spare cash to buy some more.

anyway, i dont know why im rambling. I think im hoping that my mind will calm down a bit if i get everything out. may as well at least try.