Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

BP day 18

Can't remember but don't think I needed a sleeper. I'm still so incredibly tired but it's understandable with lack of near enough sleep, the head activity torment pain bloody torture all pays it's toll.

I'm trying not to hyper focus on that I am getting a little scared but then if I reason with myself this is the same as the high majority of before and I've not imploded. I really must in those times ring here or lifeline.

I hope they're not coming quicker I havent yet done a graph or ? but I guess this one came within or around a mth.

Although I was thrilled to control and stop the revs & pump thinking about the big fundraiser for here I let it slide to think about later I noticed even if I can get control over the excitement pump it's physical you feel it in your chest as we do adrenalin mania still follows full on. It's beautiful but I can't go back to the higher manias but then again the downs and recovery times similar so maybe I should let it go. I did in the last one I think. Was a nice long mania but of course paying longer dearly for it but at least now I'm more aware of learning from it.

I think what could help me greatly is jot or record as many recurring past pains or scenarios from cptsd so while I'm doing that harder in mania I'm focused on what I'm doing so potentially less room for more thoughts then later I can take emotion out and work through them like why did it hurt what can I do about it if nothing let it flow with the wind

This time I'm guessing through AD's I didnt have as much depression as such it was there but I was more tormented by the constant thoughts although not always as rapid and sometimes no emotion attached in mania. Good I can do it. Practise

The only decent cry which I needed was the beautiful caring posts from lovelies here. I don't like how I feel after crying, totally worn out haggard for the rest of the day but it's pain leaving.

Still incredibly tired not in great shape mentally but getting stronger and with distraction can cope.

I'm working on more *H*O*P*E* words it's helped already. Any distraction takes temporarily deep pain away.

It's a gorgeous day as almost always in paradise seriously is. Going to get smokes but absolutely set I'm NOT going back full time. Going to put every fibre of strength to next mania not smoking could work as a focus away from thoughts and pain.

Thanks for listening and caring ☺

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..

That’s beasty trying to make you hypo focus and be scared..
Try to focus on you Deebi and the things around you...Sweety beasty is trying to make you unawares of the things around you....the things that are right in front of you...your waterview, is it windy. are the waves big,mor is the water calm...your comfy couch feel the material...sit in it...sink deeply into the comfy material.....Your art beautiful bold lines....for your mil who loves you so much....Please don’t listen to the words of your depression....because..you are not your depression..you are way so much more....beautiful, Kind, lovely, compassionate, respectful, caring..these words and much more beautiful words are who you are...not at all what depression is telling you...

Deebi....I’ll,pick you up in a few sec...3..2..1...schreech...screech....smoke coming out of my back wheels, big spin around...crash..bang..oops..sliding on my Ha hum...oops...slowing down...bang..straight past you ...waves to you...ahhh. Finally stopped in the rose bushes...ouchy...😂😂Here I am..🤕.....Um better stay at your tonight...I’m a little bit too sore to drive to mine😳...

I bought some yummy garlic bread to have with your soup....and we can work on your hope 🌈 together sweety...

H..happiness can be found..beasty hates it

O..open your thoughts to good ones only..beasty hates it

P...pleasant thoughts of past and present..beasty hates it.

E...easy to love you dear friend....beasty hates it..

It’s a very cold day here today..and I’m liking it..Hot bath, candles, warm cuddly doona...hot pumpkin soup with garlic bread...easier to sleep in the cooler weather...So many goods for cold weather....Love your paradise place...haha the name of my town is a silly one...😂😂..wish I could say..you would 😂😂...

I hope your doing better then when you last posted here..My post hmmm not much help to you but I wanted to call in and see you...Today I’m missing my sassy soul spitit sissy....You’ve been a constant in my 💭 today...Geez I’m hoping beyond everything else that you are okay....are you?....dearest friend...

Love you dear friend..bbff..yadimh..awyis....pubaok..worried about you..your doing it very hard this episode...wish I was their to hold your hand...and dry your sore eyes..😚..

Sending you my love and hugs...and everyone else reading..💜💜🤗.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🐉🔥🐉🔥🐉🔥🐉🔥 🕊🌱🕊🌱🤗

[Peppermintbach]

Hi wonderful DB (and a wave to all),

I feel saddened to hear how much you’re struggling. I know you occasionally have better days, but overall, I feel this low mood has been very drawn out, which must be so exhausting (and disheartening at times)...presumably and understandably, your physical pains aren’t helping your downs...

I’m really pleased to hear that you’re finding ways to cope, even when you’re feeling very drained. I can feel your effort and resolve to survive; it’s crystal clear. Your work on the hope words sounds very inspiring and uplifting. I hope you keep at it 🙂

Super soul hugs and much love,

Peppystar xoxo

[demonblaster]

Thank you Grandy love hi other great people ☺

I will hold tight that's comforting sweetyheart. You and others are an incredible comfort it's a lonely frightening dark place isn't it.

Glad to say the walk helped no end today and another 3 hrs sleep very hard getting outta bed but here I am. Slight 🤕 right now going to try new to me for headaches common med 🤞 done! Tada.

As long as another mania doesn't drop in somehow doubt it cause this one lasted a few days I should be close to mentally ok. Maybe some more good sleeps.

Busting to get stuck into art but lately too much going on I liked you mentioning doing art. Oh starting to get the swing of 3D sometimes like some of the card it just happens woot.

Btw I've been drinking the Pumpkin soup juice it'd be so healthy 🎃🥕🍰onion 😁🍟celery mixed herbs it's delishimo.

He started 😂I didn't mean to crack a funny did the other time tho we laughed almost the whole call. I kept going with giving my email address & he apologised cause you know when you say ah it sounds like R, I said oh take all the R's out we 😅

Thanks I breathed with you. We do forget, so tense in those times.

Your G's are lovely Gorgeous ☺nice you noted HOPE.

Ok lets put one away, I've heard people say in bits and will, not at all stressed but will do jobbies a little each day.

Grandz can you please pwomish me the lawns just in batches over 2/3 days 🤗

Thanks Grandz I love you SO so very much. BPally.

Tomoz GP I'll request mindspot etc. Thanks.

Dagh foot complaining. Oh yes I took them out they've bought separate ones by the looks yay and ok in the joggers sil gave me cause they were a bit big. Boom.

Always thinking forget to ask hows your ticker and breathing?

Might be a few words. (cryptic clue 😚💜👀👂🤝💑🗯always ☺

[demonblaster]

Hi beautiful friends 🤗

Just posted not landed yet so I'll catch you loves tomoz. Thank you for your lovely supportive posts.

GG thanks telling me sweetyheart I saw your beautiful post page before 🤗

Sleep well beautiful friends. I made sure befor my big arvo sleep to have several happy thoughts I figure if we doze off with goods we may wake better which I am so much better.

Love to you both dear people.

Grandz Oh darlin did you have a little problem come here sweety ⛑ I'll look after you..oh sweety is that a few Rose thorns 😅 here let me grab my pliers 🛠... 🤕 here darlin 🥕eat that up to take your mind off it all. I'll just have my 🍫 medicine at the same time.

🤗😚💑💜💗🤝👀👂

[demonblaster]

BP day 19

I HAVE to go to GP today to try to get organized with Mindspot.

I'll come good today I know I can and will. Really dont want to leave the house, still needing so much more sleep for recovery.

Want/need to stay in bed and sleep my head off.

I'm trying positives and will keep at it, memories goals likes etc. Just woken again in bad shape. Anytime I can zip into muck around and a mask but going to talk deeper to the GP today. My other one during hard times whos away knows but not in detail because in the hards often its too hard to explain exactly how it is. I can do broad which I have in the past.

Was so close several times this morning cancelling but I have to get onto this else the futures not holding much hope tho I've made huge breakthroughs I need whatever help I can get.

It's sarvo the appointment.

I'll pick up through the day just saying how it is atm. I thought the worst of this mutt was over.

In the deeps this one I wasn't able to work on positives because IT had such a grip but that was down to me going with it rather than trying. It's so powerful but that attitude won't help I have to never allow can't in the equation. Learning from it.

Anxietys coming through I'm going to do a lot of breathing and self talk allow the logical mind to step in and help.

Once I wake up properly it'll be better if I dont work on this now it'll stay with me throughout the day.

There are a lot of very good things in my life topping that list is Grandy people here and bb fullstop. I'll concentrate on gratitudes which I'm thinking more often of.

*H*O*P*E * theres HELP out there to OVERCOME PAIN EVENTUALLY. I'm going to work on other positive affirmation words along the same lines and note Grandys ones too on hope.

Atm I know it'll pass. Helps and it's in me, all of us.

VERY hard atm but I need not to focus on that point either.

Apart from the obvious going to GP it's a good choice to bus be around people talking or not and talk to her.

Going to try for art today.

Bussing takes a lot of the day as they're not regular but nice place I'll be and if need be can amuse myself.

Ok positives time. Cyaz later thanks being there and listening it means the world.

💑💜🤝🗯 Bpaly

🌱new beginnings towards 🕊peace.

🤗☺

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩...

I want to wish you good luck today...if for some reason your stand in Dr..can’t do the Mindspot ring up..please remember that this is not your regular Dr..and when your regular one comes back you can speak to him/her...

Postives are the best and really only way to go...Okay sweetyheart...some tips to steer the negatives away...

Postive thinking usually starts with self talk....Self-talk is the never ending unspoken thoughts that run through your brain... These are automatic thoughts and they can be positive or negative. your positive self talk comes from logic and reason...on the other hand your negative self talk may come from things that you create in your mind because you are feeling sad...down..or beasty has you in its grips...Choof it off...and try hard to remember....

When your negatives start bombarding you maybe try this to Choof them off..

• Say stop. In your mind, or shout “STOP!” or “NOPE, You are not going to take me down today or any day.. ” as soon as negative thoughts starts to spin in your head.

• Next breathe....after you have interrupted the negative thoughts by shouting stop....then sit down and just keep still....Then start to breathe with your belly and focus on just your in-breaths and out-breaths for a minute or two this starts to calm your mind and body down.

• Then beautifulheart.....refocus and question the thoughts that are beginning to grow like a mountain by talking to you or ringing someone to talk to this is getting a more grounded and putting your thoughts into perspective s well as your situation even just venting here.....and ask yourself Will these negative thoughts really matter or change anything at all in 5 years.....5 weeks...or even 5 days?...are these thoughts justified?...are they Real?...

I hope you’ll see lots of happy people today..I believe like a smile that happiness is very contagious....

Goid luck today honey..I’m coming with you in spirit..(awyis)..and sitting next to you in the waiting room and Drs office..We can remember about the time we walked along the beach and giggled so much that we both fell down just as a huge wave was coming....😂😂😂😂😂..Good fun times for reminding you of fun times we’ve had...

Sending you my Love 💜💜💜..dearest bbff..lysvm 😂👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy....🐉🔥🐉🔥🐉🔥.......Then comes 🕊🌱..

[demonblaster]

Grandz and all you beautiful people 🤗

How can I thank you enough dear soul sister you never leave my side 🤗🙂

A few calls to the hospital and transport etc so distracted. Was able to focus and absorb what they were saying. Lucky I rang looks like there was no allocated appointment sigh, for brain back MRI so 24th this mth.

I liked what you said darl. Waiting for bus I thought a lot on it & have noted it.

What can I say Grandz youre a lifeline thank you so much, another awesome post. Smiled at our beach time often think of the driftwood one in the water too looking at stars. Virtuals the next best to rl eh 😢🤝😚

Rang a 💑 ended up she met me at the docs she had to go to the same suburb. Caught up with a good friend on bus shes a driver loved seeing them but it hasnt quite got me back up but I'm ok kinda.

Worked really hard self talking not to listen or let IT pull me down. Thoughts just roll and still so incredibly tired (in my thighs, it was an effort to walk a few steps in a small supermarket but that passed. Phew) saw another good friend quickly & people I know. Normally that all would pull me up.
As per can and do laugh joke etc chat. It'll pass. Next 3 days I'll sleep as much as po.

Good news docs done the mindspot so its faxed. Told her pretty much what I've said here recently. I feel a little relieved.
Wanted to breathe and settle before starting over again thats if I can get the new psych to bulk bill from day dot otherwise dont know how I'll go here, might have to travel further. Doc said I'd be better to get onto them now rather than later shes right so I will. She's very thorough.

Should find out pretty soon if I'm eligible for NDIS dont have my hopes up but certainly will talk in detail and try again as often as needed. The very basics are it needs to be an ongoing life problem. There are several categories. I've not heard much good yet but we'll just have to see how it goes. Everywhere these days are asking if I'm NDIS think it helps a tad that I've applied.

Should soon bounce back. Not overly depressed atm more struggling not happy but not in deep depression either. Just pffttt & struggling hard at times.

Thank you precious friend ☺ love and appreciate you so so much. Hope you're ok lovey and didnt exert yourself with lawns. You blow me away soul sissy 🤗 everyone heres amazing 💗

💑💜👀👂🗯🌱

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Deebi...

Im happy for you that your Dr. faxed Mindspot...They hopefully will email or ring you soon...The first phone call was a question one...took about 30 min...it took me down with the questions they asked...but they are necessary questions...to help us...Just a gently pre warning on phone call beautifulheart...

I was hoping you would like...was researching a bit this week on hope and negative thoughts and different ways to manage them....I hope that my post helped you even a little...

You have many lovely friends around you dear friends..that shows you how much your loved/liked and cared for in your area....it really pleased me that you had a friend with you on the bus☺️...That’s okay Deebi...every little tiny piece of time being with friends is a tiny baby step forward for you....You’re going in the right direction....well done..I haven’t said for a while..I’m so proud of the way your managing this huge dark downer🤗...You can and I know you will Choof beasty away soon...you’re getting stronger...

I love our beach walks, crystal clear ponds/rivers..stars..moon..clouds...they are the good times..Yes to me virtual is one of my go to places for peace...sometimes better then r/l....

I hope you can find a bulk billing psych...My gp has searched so many but none will do....not sure what I’m going to do....I also hope that you are eligible for NDIS..fingers crossed 🤞🏽 for you bbff...

I didn’t mow today Deebi...Next door has her son visiting her and to avoid her getting cranky and yelling at me...I just stayed inside...I’ll mow when he leaves....

Talk here if you need to...even if it’s just for company when your feeling pffttt..I don’t like you hurting/struggling dear Deebi...We are all just a post button press away from you...Please take the best care you can of yourself..be very gentle with you...I’m still holding you 🤝..and keeping my 👀 out for you...Oh and my big ear 👂 is listening for you.....

Much love dear soul sissy...pubaok...💜🕊🌱🐉🔥🐉🍫🍫🍫🕊🌱...🌈🌈..

Love and caring hugs everyone..🤗💜💜🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🍫🍫🕊🌱

[demonblaster]

Hey hun/s

I don't know how to describe this. I'm not good at all but if I go deeper I hope think I can will pull up. Said I'm not depressed but I guess that's not right either I really don't like how I feel at all. Why the hells this one so long hard and bad. My heads trying its damdest to take me down hard but I've got enough in me to not let it...I think. At least I'm catching some thoughts they're all over the shop. The mongrels are at me nearly all the time. Surprisingly feeling this way I am calm that's something.

I can get through Grandy but truth I honestly am starting to wear down, I mean tired yes but overall 😢 This isnt news to you, you go through this crap. What the.. It's getting scary I'm not quite there as I said to doc I'm holding by the skin of my teeth. I'm scared of going lower and not being able to hold on but no wrong thoughts of any sort of harm it's it's own little hell without wrong thoughts.

I'm reasonably lucid at least. I think the hardest part in it alls tiredness it's hard enough focusing on racking thoughts off let alone trying to pull up happies. I've got reserves and holding on I really really need a break from this crap. Hope the next takes longer to come and that I dont have any more mania sheesh that's saying something at least for this episode. Too much but am holding but that's all this time it's tremendously hard but at least it's not every second, feels like it though.

I know you care and love me as I do you sweetyheart but this must be draining on you 🤗

Love you Grandz thanks so much. My god there's gotta be better than this.

🤗😚💑💜