Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Birdy77]

You are an amazing, hugely beautiful soul DB.

Truly ❤❤❤

🌻Tweets xo

[demonblaster]

💗 that'd be a ditto beautiful tweets 🤗

Love you darlin

Thanks sweety 🐥

[demonblaster]

Hi GG 👩‍❤️‍👩 and other lovelies ☺

Possibly still in mania unsure because I'm wiped out from the headache which has mostly gone the brute. Little linger. Nearly digested a chemist. Spoke again today so on a script there's something should help more. I don't want to be taking a lot of meds my kidney and liver are good atm want to keep them that way.

I think my 🤕 are becoming more often gradually which probs means my necks deteriorating more, no surprises there

Good news esp that I heard it can be several mths on waiting list for my nerve conduction test is June 17th. It was a wk before but com transport has had budget cuts so I'd be paying through the nose as it is it's costly but I'm very grateful for the service. Depending on results could be another test. Apparently there can be some pain but it doesnt linger. No surprise being nerve stuff. I very much doubt anything could be more painful than the times from the neck disc ruptures nerve pain 😨😲 also an appointment I found out today for neuro surgeon 3rd July and neurologist Sept 27th. Neuro surgeon said don't worry about seeing neurologist until they had results but the appt came up so I saw them. Really good it's all moving along. I think the multiple body twitches heaps of places I'm more use to, I notice them in bed more so. Both myogenic and fasciculations. No pain with them.

Going to sarvo sleep. I do feel more elevated in mood than I have since the last heavy BP I was ok not down but just ok no great shakes but people stimulation was good.

So that's where I'm at ☺ thanks for listeni g and caring

Love you soul sissyter 🤗😚 and others here too ☺🤗

Hope your days are good 🕊

[Paw Prints]

Hello DB,

I'm so glad your headache is easing you poor thing, though the 'rung out dishrag' feeling after one is no joy either. Hopefully it will all be gone after your arvo sleep. As an ex migraine sufferer (monthly hormonal) I have the deepest sympathy for anyone who gets headaches of any degree especially for those who suffer them regularly.

It must be a relief to feel things are moving with your appointments being made and given how fast time goes these days they will be here before you know it. Please don't feel you need to answer if you would rather not, but are all your nerve issues caused by your ruptured neck disc or is that just one issue amongst a number of others.

Take care

[demonblaster]

Hi Paws ☺

Thanks darl for your compassion and support muchly appreciated ☺

I'll hopefully find out the cause for both arm weakness (thought I was becoming paralysed) so with luck on the 17th from nerve test maybe some answers and July will be here before we know it for definitive answers I'm hoping. Think I'll be having surgery of some sort.

4 GPs think the headaches are coming from my neck. My whole back/necks in bad shape from nursing a lot of heavy lifting before lifting machines and wardsman were around much. The problem outs are in lumbar and sacrum over 5 discs.

Have a csf fluid leak in a syrinx from t1-t6 which I was told if it leaks further I could be paralyzed from basically top of my spine down but that seems to be ok well I'll know more later.

They think the weakness could be from the nerve as a result of the 2 ruptured discs impeding I think they said on the nerve. The nerve I'm guessing is damaged. Thing is this weakness intermittently and finger spasms came on very suddenly and the twitches since then.

Thanks for caring and asking. If there's anything that you want explained no probs if you dont, let me know.

I'm not in pain atm. The wicked pain was each time the discs broke down more. Unbearable 5 times absolute hell, eased off by the 5th and apparently it'll happen again. Joy

I'm unsure yet if they're all migraines. They often last up to 3 days and occassionally I vomit other times they're definate full blown OMG 😨 scared to move your head stuff wow I feel for you how awful and that's regular isnt it.

Darl do you have a thread if so I'd like to support you as you are so kindly for us. You're of course always welcome here.

Same goes if you ever need to chat.

Hope your eves going well.

I just got cranky pants with an idiot from my ph company who didnt bother trying to help me work out if a call was a scammer. I checked the number I asked for online and the business but not sure but I didnt give details out.

Always some mongrel trying to make our lives harder for their gain.

Great being here where there's beautiful people helping eachother.

Thanks lovey ☺⚘

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautifulheart...

Oh no...I’m sorry Deebi...So quick these last couples of cycles/episodes...Seems to be changing your BP sweety..Geez I hope this isn’t going to continue for much longer for you sweetyheart....

I hope your head settles soon....If you have one...really Deebi...sounds like migraines to me..but I’m only an ⛑ apprentice nurse...☺️...

im listening to your every word beautifulheart...

July isn’t that far away..yet it can seem like months and months away at times...

Holding on tight to you Deebi...I’m not letting you go either..Love you very much..puabok..yadimh..awyis...I’ll be back tonight Deebi..if thats okay...darn it my head is full of different things circling around...

Love and hugs everyone..💜🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🚜🛵🍫💼💞👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🦋🤗⛑

[demonblaster]

BP day 3. (Probs day 5

Hey gorgeous/s ☺

SO good 👀 u. How good u being able to 😂 & joke. So needed in the hards. Getting back to you too lovey at yours. Hold 🤝 on darlin I truly believe as hard as it is you too are starting to heal 🕊

🤔 at the very least migraine family for the non bang bangs 🔨 for that reason. Last night was ify a few times. At least woke without but the mutts back 🤕 I'll make an appt to get that script.

Oh you're right hun now they're sending stuff to GP which can take a while but they can request medical info. I'll try and get that sorted before I see her. I had to keep asking them being in a different state to send my loves info to GP. Good it's getting more internet connected these days.

Thanks pet yip I'm not fazed. Happy it's all moving along. I don't want but a while back accepted I'll probs need an op on both at some point. I'm so pleased they did my full back too cause lately on getting out of bed I've noticed I'm standing to the R) side about 15 ° no pain although last night it felt there was a small out but seems to b ok atm. I'm telling people out of the 90min MRI it took 89 mins to find the brain and a minute to do the back 😄

Yes the BP is changing considerably. I realized all that extended sleeping was still recovery, always from the bigs that are 97% of the time

I'm making myself think of happies esp that euphoria in the beginning. I'm not stressing on this just being realistic that I may get dementia including the strokes contributing. For now anyway I'm lucid. I'm ok now but is confronting tho good to know how seriously I'm affected in the episodes. I'm a tad suss that I've had a 3rd stroke because I had weakness for 3ish wks in my R) hand. Was doing those A frame hand squeeze exercises & suddenly my stronger R) side was weak and my R) eye has a slight down. Hope not but maybe. MRI would know. And that Doc originally said it was the L) side that affects the R) side so must remember to ask.

😄a besty gave me a scalp massager, curved prongs a lovely hologram on the little handle & a cutey wooden ball at the end. I keep forgetting it's still on my head. You should have heard the noise that came out outta me then I 😂 cause it nearly gave me another stroke 🤣 when I looked in the mirror.

I know you listen to every word Grandz 😊 love you so much lady. Thank you & everyone 🤗

😚👩‍❤️‍👩💜🤝🗯⛑🔨🌱👯‍♀️

[Paw Prints]

Dear DB,

Oh lassie you really are in the wars aren't you. I did follow your post, I seem to have picked up a bit of medical lingo over the years having friends/family who are nurses & family with poor health.

Hopefully your June & July appointments make them pull their fingers out & actually do the surgery you need without it dragging on. Of course you would prefer not to need the surgery for your discs, but what a change in your daily life it should make. The twitches & weakness must be tiring & the headaches/migraines can be so debilitating, it would be wonderful to be rid of them. I know what a major improvement it was for my younger sister when she had hers (lumber region). The syrinx must be a worry, (I did get csf but needed to google syrinx) though it does sound like surgery can help in certain cases.

I really hope it wasn't a 3rd stroke! It may just have been a pinched nerve causing issues? I have carpel tunnel syndrome & find when it flares I get weakness in my hand.

Love that you were a cranky pants with your telco, I so hear you on that. You were very lucky with your MRI "out of the 90min MRI it took 89 mins to find the brain and a minute to do the back" my family insist that the pictures of a brain after my MRI must be someone else's as everyone knows my head is hollow. 🙂 Thankfully I'm finally post menopausal so the migraines are now very rare. I do have a thread that I did an original post on, but I really haven't posted on it for some time. ** Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

Paw

[demonblaster]

Hey Paws ☺

Thanks lovely seeing you and your support and compassions very appreciated.

Do I detect Scottish from the lassie, love the accent and lassie

Yes few things going on , fortunately atm no pain or little anyway apart from the 🤕 it's lingered all day & meds choofed the worse this morning the rests bearable but I'll med again because they get pretty savage if I dont.

Don't know why but I had a feeling you'd understand the lingo. Well done. My nursing was basic training but same you pick up a lot along the way & I nursed a few places in NZ & here.

I have bilateral carpal too but rarely get pain just the numbness, I think they're thinking to fix them to eliminate symptoms, only numbness really.

Might have come from the nerve and thinking on it I did have weakness but not at the time my hand did that. I hope it's that too.

😅 same here the comedians all brush up their skills. Fantastic memory of mil going on and on...I've got a brain...I know now...they saw it, she had us 😂

Great you have the migraines 😆 that sounds compassionate... rarely now. Every action/reaction comes from our head, when there's pain there they pull ya down and are smothering.

Great news about your sister. New lease on life. Possibly my hip/groin pain which most of the time I have I forgot to mention also is back related.

Take care Paws ☺ thanks again 🌹

BP day 3+

Again if this stayed at this I think I'd pull up reasonably well.

Theres been a few intrusive thoughts but in mania they're easy to choof and counteract.

Was up wee hrs last night needed 2 sleepers and was barely pumped or mentally active but just enough apparently. I'm so reluctant but going to ask for the REALLY knock out meds prn. I said for yrs to GPs give me a bomb I was desparate for sleep and this med I took maybe 3 times and my god the headspace was ohh no words but I think maybe it was going to be that way anyway so I'll try them again.

Absolutely wrecked but got sleep sarvo, sleepy meds for 🤕 not overly manic so here's hoping. Finished the room, just a couple of bits. Still other bigs for another time. I want to cause one day I'll have to move. Feels great having it done. I'm in bits lately pushing through no motivation and doing general sifting and rearranging.

Thanks listeners ☺

Grandy 🤗😚👩‍❤️‍👩💜🌈💼💪👀

[demonblaster]

BP day 4 (?6) Hi Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 & everyone ☺

This looks like a a shorter episode which is great cause I had only just recovered with sleep when it snuck in.

Coming down. A bit hard but holding.

Sleeper last night. Tried which mostly I do without first. My minds on and thinking but not revved. I didn't have the pump which is when the excitement revs.

I was really pleased after returning to bed after this mornings early waking sleep wasn't going to happen but I managed some hrs. Took an age. I tried a few things including deep breathing that I do as often as I remember these days.
I notice the eyelids are tense & fluttery when we can't sleep. When we do I think our eyes go down. When I remembered I'd consciously relax them and put my eye down while breathing medium deep. Also my body was incredibly tense so I kept redirecting to consciously relaxing and also did touches of meditation like warm thick fluid going down over my head down my body washing away stress. IT WORKED 😀Mammoth.

Anxiety peaks in BP. The only part there's none is that bliss bomb part. Too short but OMG! Calm before the storm.
I'm trying to keep feeling the memory as often as I think of it and positives.
Very good to write them down, better to be thinking of them.

This episode I've realized as we know we're creatures of habit.
The majority of us follow as opposed to lead.
This applies greatly to our thought process.
We hear a thought, follow it by going with it.
Emotions follow thoughts
It's habit.
If we create a new habit by pausing the next thought and choosing our next we gain control over what we want to think next and feel.
This would help with depression anxiety and addictions too.

I could easily swing into another mania from here. The big fundraiser I've allowed bits of thought but like now excitement climbs.

I deep breathed a lot this morning out of an anxiety attack in bed. Ended up emulating the hard breathing from walking hills worked. The cortisol (Stress hormone) I think was raging.

Out to lunch with besty.
Walked to & fro shops some bigger hills 4 I think all up. Foot still no good.
Backs starting to pain a bit with this lopsided stuff.

Thanks listening ☺