Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Thank you sweetyheart 👩‍❤️‍👩 hi everyone ☺

How lovely to see you. You're never alone Grandy you're always in my 🗯

I wasn't sure whether to go to yours and tell you I'm thinking of you so thought I'd say it here and reply at the same time.

Lovely morning with my lovelies going to be wkly from now. And mhw awesome bloke took me shopping carried my bags for me, I take lighter ones. Such a good guy.

Going to lay down soon then later hope to do more in the room and some more art haven't done any for a bit.

I'm keeping a clise 👁 on you precious friend. Love you darlin heaps. PubAok lysvm awyis yadimh sss bbff gg

I'll bring some Tim tams over 🛵 & cook us up a big batch of 🎃 soup beautiful 💜👩‍❤️‍👩🤗😚🕊

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautifulheart,

They coming to take me to hospital soon....I’m scared..😭😭😭..It’s not fair..

Love you..Please don’t leave me...no pressure but..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy

[demonblaster]

Never never leave you sweet.

Love you very much.

You can get through this hun we will together 👩‍❤️‍👩💜🤝😚🤗

[Paw Prints]

Dear DB,

I know you will be worrying about the lovely Grandy, so I thought I would pop in & offer some support while we wait to here how she is getting on.

Sending you gentle hugs

Paw Prints

[demonblaster]

☺ hi Paw Prints

That's so lovely of you. Thank you so very much.

You're a great support to us and our beautiful Grandy. Good on you ☺

Sleep well hun.

⚘

[demonblaster]

Hi ☺

Yesterday I didnt feel like doing a couple of planned things but did. Wasn't down just didn't particularly want to. Enjoyed both.

Was on a high at one point shopping. I didn't realize till I came home and didn't for the first time in a while feel like I needed a sleep but had one. Was a bit tired but would have handled staying up.

I looked outside before I went to bed and was looking at nothing spectacular really just the sun on the stairwell area which had a glow to it (not literally). It was superb. I had a beautiful serene feeling of peace and wellbeing. I realized I was in mania.

Before going to sleep which is amazing I did I felt the true meaning of happiness that's the ultimate part of mania. How do you explain the purity. It's every reason to want to be alive and be part of it all. Words there's just no way to explain it. A couple of days ago I caught a real down and pulled out without much effort.

After the sleep I felt normal.. ok.. no biggies but no sads either.

I don't and doubt anyone knows for a fact otherwise, think this isn't possible as "normal" but I'm not going to focus on it atm. Just have to keep working at control especially over the downs. My god have to.

So last night it took a bit longer to sleep. Woke up in a very heavy bad dream about 3 people I can remember of about 5 or 6 that were really giving me grief. The only other person I remember surprisingly wasn't. The 3 people was my Nan Mum and love 💗 who all of I love/d very much. My love only gave me a little bit of hassle in the dream but the others.. woah.. I was SO incredibly angry and it was justified. None in rl gave me that type of carry on. Bloody horrid dream. Can't remember and stopped thinking on it when I woke. It was so good knowing it was a dream bloody awful one and took ages to snap out of the haze. Had a headache that I havent got rid of yet which is why I guess it was a yuk.

Got up it was 3.30am now nearly 6am. Can have more meds in a bit over an hr.

It's hard to feel anything much with your head like this so no idea if that was just a random or the beginning of mania. It's the ultimate. What if we can all feel like that. It's more than enough reason to stay. Anyhoo thanks for listening.

👩‍❤️‍👩💜🕊⚘

[Peppermintbach]

Hi wonderful DB,

What a poignant post. Thank you so much for sharing some of your insights 🙂

I don’t know whether your feelings was a sign of mania or not. You would know better than me, that’s a given. But I’m still glad you had a moment of true happiness. That sounds like absolute bliss, and I feel that is something to be cherished, especially during the harder times...to remember that moments of happiness is a possibility...

That dream (or perhaps more like a nightmare) sounds horrible. So emotionally charged...perhaps it’s for the best that you don’t recall some of the details. I know you love very deeply...our lioness’ heart...despite how angry you felt, I wonder if the anger reflects some of your own feelings (rather than anyone else’s) and that maybe seeing your love, Nan and mum just means that you’re missing them...

I’m glad you had a good day out the other day. It’s a shame your other 2 friends couldn’t make it, but I’m very happy that you still had a good time with the ones who were there. Moments with loved ones is precious 🙂

Sending extra special super soul hugs and much love,

Peppystar xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautifulheart.. Peppy, Paws, Peppy and everyone.

I hope it was just a great beautiful spurt of mania and not another episode...I once felt a piece of pure happiness about 20 years ago....My son wa taking pictures and when he took an unexpected one of me..I had a large orb floating above my head...

I think that when you looked at the sun, and the gorgeous colours that it turns the sky at the setting of it...You totally tuned into and joined to be one with nature..It must have been an awesome feeling...something I hope you never forget...sweet bbff..

Oh poor Deebi...I’m sorry about your dream....I wish we didn’t get them...I’m so proud of you not thinking about hen you woke up....are you okay beautifulheart...I’m concerned about you....Truth please...I need to know...puAbok..yadimh.. awyis..lysvm..💜🤗👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩...

Mania 27/7...how good would that be....

Working on normals..Oh Deebi. I know you can do that....you have so much insight into your mh as well as a huge want to achieve peace....if we don’t have want..then it’s so darn hard to achieve any little thing....

Im always listening to you beautifulheart and learning so much from you.... and the others here..

Thats okay about not doing what you planned to do...Geez..I can’t even plan anything..that makes you a winner in my eyes..

Not sure if outing today for you ....I hope you enjoy yourself if you do or if you don’t...If that makes sense..

I hope your day and everyone else’s day was a good day....💜🤗..

Deebi...I have a Deep Love for you special lady...bbff..sss sissyter..

Love to Peppy, Birdy and Paws....💜🤗..

Love and hugs everyone..💜💜🤗.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🦋🌍🌈🐄🍫🥝😚🌜💜🌛...🤝🤝.

[Paw Prints]

Hello DB, Peppy & Grandy,

I think Peppy hit the nail on its head "and that maybe seeing your love, Nan and mum just means that you’re missing them..." our dreams are really good at muddling things up & perhaps the anger shown was really the anger we all feel when we lose those we love, but in your dream it got expressed in a odd way. You would have gone to bed with your worry for how Grandy was going & it would be natural for your thoughts to stray to the other loves in your life.

I don't have any experience re mania, so I don't feel I can say anything that would be helpful for you. I hope you managed to get a few hours more sleep & that your headache is gone.

Paw Prints

[demonblaster]

Hey Peppystar Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 Paws and readers 👋

Hey Peppy such a well suited name it's gentle and sweet ☺ like you are 🤗

Darl thanks so much for your lovely thought provoking post. I think you're spot on about the anger being from me rather than at them. A good is these days I don't feel as much anger in BP apart from when it really has me in its depths I could go anyway depending on the sitch tho I suspect implode not explode but hard to know. I'm holding so much at bay I guess but if I don't I won't gain control, shame I don't have near as much control over the darks as with mania but still tremendous achieves.

Weird sleeps. I dreamt when I went back about my love again and his parents. Fil was the one that wasn't surprisingly ripping me in the 2nd dream. Was strange but no agro.
Just got back up. The pills rock me. The OTCs didnt help.

Damned 🤕 well and truly set in. Not bang bang but they pull you down. Moods ok normal I think.

Thanks Peps yes I want to remember those Gold moments Everyone like our gorgeous Grandy should I wish at least have once in their lives that sensation. They're short, no dellusions impulsive or erratic behaviour.. just pure Gold.

Beautiful Grandy as always so good seeing you. Yes hun thanks I know you care so much 🤗 and when you're in so much pain thank you gorgeous. Lovely how you described the sun and nature.
Wow the orb above your head. A beautiful memory to cherish. It's beyond description eh

Ditto hun learning so much from you and here.

Possibly the sleep and 🤕 squashed an episode. Time will tell. Wayyy too early for another one but as long as I get some normals between it kinda keeps my sanity.

Didn't bbq but this fri out with Besty and Tues coming with other. Will return to bbqs at some point.

Beautiful Grandz I too have a deep love and closeness to you. PubAok gorgeous soul sissy. Always 🗯and love

Paws so lovely you supporting us ☺🤗 thank you very much and for that great 😅 at Grandys.
Yes dreams are a strange cocktail of emotions I imagine a form of release as well. Our minds are incredible and try to filter the junk as much as po.

You're all beautiful I very much appreciate your wonderful support.

Love and hugs to you all ☺

👩‍❤️‍👩💜 ☘ 🐾(Paws) Pauly and our beautiful 🐥 tweety 🤗