Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Thx Peps, Yeah I do care about people & get pleasure out of helping, reasons I loved nursing (EN 1yr training then, much better now think it's 2ish +).

If I could physically work again (Bodies wrecked through it (Back) it'd be with special needs but at least this way I can do for these beautiful loving simple (saying with utmost respect, people that have it so hard yet rarely complain. So much we can learn from these guys,rarely malice & any down actions have reason out of their control.

To see someone happy, get pleasure, & explore the minds to bring out skills then others encourage & kudos them is the ultimate.

This is also one of things I like where life's heading is not hiding but integrating special needs into society.
Acceptance comes with knowledge & being aware what others have to endure.

Yeah tt (T.tennis) is about the only thing I really enjoy sport wise from early age, Mum tried to encourage me to do things & once mentioned tt, inside I glowed but also from there too much hurting & said NO, I"M FAT & UGLY, so didn't join up. SHould've would have got more friends, one was great in many ways but also adding to stress & down feelings.

Many thx darl for you ongoing lovely support.

[demonblaster]

Status/Survival: Wrecked but still hacking mentally/physically, not fully exhausted yet but close. Over yrs lately got that down to nearly hitting the wall but still 2/3 wks sleep & deep depression recovery.

Realised at recent Dr visit that this cycle for the first time in how long only needed sleep meds kinda once or twice, huge step but could be result of pain/meds/excercise on top of mania sleep deprivation etc but good anyway.

Rearranged time stay at MIL's from 3 to 2 days to allow more sleep recoop. Big few wks coming up. At least we get out of it, really feel for people that suffer constantly. (Soz repeats but is for anyone that reads last couple or more posts)

Excited/optimistic for new leaf in book with the list, I need to work more on but not pressuring to do it, to do daily things that entire life haven't been able to push through & do, planning not to let this be mania giving inspiration then peetering out. Gotta change habits, I wonder if its the brain needing the break the boundless energy & activity goes on even in type 2 (milder, slightly elevated mood in mania but ohhh sooo good still) It's pure & utter happiness, it's what we ALL want so if it happens, there's hope we can get there somehow. Could be wrong but worth a go, somehow figure how to get it milder, not so hectic & full on.
Thought maybe by using the list of things to do, might give equillibrium mentally it's like Ying & Yang in cycles the biggly ups/downs then between, (for me anyway, dunno if others have that with BP) tho still walking. Goals are important aren't they. Bitsies happen but not getting things done that I believe I can succeed with like the art. TT (table tennis) happening slowly but ONLY in mania when all the goods for success romp through. IT's bloody magic

thx for time & listening

[Starwolf]

It sure sounds like you have been giving this a lot of thought. Good on you for coming up with a plan. A lot is a matter of trial and error, isn't it ?

Good to know that bitsies are happening. Eventually, they do build up into biggies. I agree that goals are important, as long as they're realistic. If not, "failure" to deliver will lead to feeling disheartened.

Problems with NBN today, flickering on/off. A pain in the proverbial so keeping posts short.

Wishing you a more even path.

[demonblaster]

Thx as always dear RockStar (don't even wanna abbrev that cause you're both)

You had probs before with NBN i remember, bumma.

Friend said a professor in that area of stuff was saying NBN's not as good as they're saying with few reasons that I don't remember but time will tell and new things take time to work out glitches, such massive data being used daily doesn't surprise me, they'll eventually sort it. Hope yours gets fixed sooner than later

Beautiful "a more even path" thx at least my probs come and go mostly as opposed to so many that have ongoing chronic health 24/7 & MH daily.

hope you're days are going well Star 🙂

[demonblaster]

SURVIVAL: This may not be for everyone but I think one of the keys is to understand depression to get on top.

Certainly know how it makes us feel & learning more. One sure thing is it's VERY POWERFUL but no one would want it so why the hell do we have it. Starting to realise from it we can become stronger, learning how to slay it. Emotional control. Major hard but as the saying goes, no such word as can't. It's a biggly.

What I don't get & hope to one day figure out why we have it. Could back up my belief that we're here to learn & mainly about ourselves, getting stronger, and God forbid, actually get on as a race Pfffftttt, we have to learn to move forward, to survive. Damn site easier if we work together in harmony.

I think we're born with strength which creates our strong sense of survival.

Believing it can be done helps

[startingnew]

Hi DB

Im not really sure what to write. My heads not really in a great space but i wanted to send you lots of hugs ❤❤❤💌💌💌

[startingnew]

Ps the envelope with love heart means sending love

[demonblaster]

Thanks darlin, Love hugs and affection, right back at you & just sent you some in your thread just posted 🙂

Good sleep tonight hun should make things a bit brighter

Care xx

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB,

I just saw your earlier post. Lol. I appreciate that you have a sense of humour 😉 Yep, my username is a cheeky pun that is, in part, based on a common mispronounciation of "bach."

I read about your BP. I don't have BP personally but it does seem to have been a very rocky ride living with it. The cycling between mania and depression must really throw you; it sounds so exhausting and draining. Hugs...

I am sorry for losing your beloved. That's always very painful and there are no words that can truly ease the pain. I hear your sense of loss...

But I also admire your resilience and how you're trying to make the most of difficult experiences. You have this fire within to survive and make it.

Keep survivin'

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

Some survival & Status: Thanks Peps (( ))

What a lovely person you are supporting others when you're having a rough time yourself thanks sweet

Yeah it is extremely exhausting tho I've got that down a little to not going past hitting the wall & pulling up before slamming it, but still hitting it I guess cause takes so long to catch up.

Now that the valuable SOOOO needed sleep, the hard parts are coming on, but I'm determined to not let this one take me down & thx to Star saying she uses distraction when the bad thoughts come she doesn't engage in them, Looks around observes then to next thing ...seeing but not thinking It worked when a down plummet jumped in. Bloody hide of it, crashed my Yehaaa party, I smashed it (happy dance)
Also I know it'll pass, It's the exhaustion that's getting a squeeze, sleeps the biggy gunna spend as much as po today & tomoz morn getting more. Ideally for quicker recovery need to do big day sleeps every day for week + otherwise it's up to 2/3 wks full recovery usually for me even when the manias shorter (usually about a wk for most people, can be extended even to mths)

Appreciate seriously you taking an interest thankyou Peps, Ditto I'm wanting to learn about other peoples issues and esp people I care about here