Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Just Sara]

You vent...I listen! Know I'm here with you.

I've had my fair share of venting, analysing and sorting thru the madness too you know. I get it...you need someone to bounce off.

It's your space to be where or who you need to be when it's time. I have you on my threads now so you can't get rid of me even if you wanted; well maybe if you wanted. We won't go there.

I'm not up to date with BP stuff, but I don't mind if you educate me now and then. I can support you better if I understand. Go with the flow I say 🙂

I'm not usually up this late but I couldn't sleep either. Triggers...

I do ok on here talking about my stuff, but find it difficult to voice my concerns in person. I find it easier to listen and be there for others, but every now and then, I wish I had the words and courage to ask for help.

Anyway, enough about me. I'm sorry you're in a rotten place; if there's anything I can do, don't hesitate to put it to me. I'm open to whatever ails you.

Miles of smiles Chooky...

Sara xo

[demonblaster]

Thankyou Sez, really thankyou.

I think at last I might be back to normal today, haven't cried mind you only just got up, still time lol. Think I might be going into another cycle, for a long time I could tell when mania was going to set in cause of erratic sleeping, been waking up before birdy fart times all over the shop last couple nights, forcing myself to go back to bed and get such needed sleep. Be slacked off if it is the case cause haven't this time had any normal between blagghhh Not much I can do to stop it so just gunna have to take it as it comes.
It's soo hard being so down as many can relate to, depression is a beast but I do believe we can get on top of it. Needs deep thought time & coping strategies. We can work it out I reckon

Chooky I'm here for you too, I mean it, pop in here if you like and talk in bits if easier, I know you said you need the courage & words, easier I find on paper but still takes a long time esp when low to get it across.
It's a two way St lovely no matter what frame of mind I'm in ok. Seriously. Same I wanna help people too.

How do you feel today darl? Triggers keeping you up I guess maybe not so great aye

Take good care chooky & thanks again, Star as well. Appreciate you both very much. Thankyou from deep.

[Starwolf]

Hi lovelies,

Slowly getting back on track but today sat net is on for 5 minutes, off for 1/2 hour (rain, rain, and more blipping rain). Outside conditions reflecting the flu cloudiness still in my head.

Please DB rest assured that I continue to read whatever happens in your thread (hi dear Sara, good to see you here), even if I only reply briefly. You are heard.

You are right, depression is a beast but that beast is not you. Sure, it is chained to us and so willful and strong that we feel it is us who are chained to it. But it can eventually be taught to walk at heel instead of dragging us where we don't care to go.

I once spent many years anchored to the bottom of a dark pit. Not a feeling I could ever forget. So my heart naturally goes out to you.

Sending a cyber hug your way if you will accept it.

[demonblaster]

Star & Sez chooky 🙂 Hiyaz

Star thanks for hug, love em, do it all the time, learning not everyone's into it, esp the less than 2 sec jobs lol magic & another goods release needs to be about 20 secs, you can feel something in the chest like a transference or something.
How's your back going? Off that floor yet?

Thanks saying that you read here 🙂 (( )) good of you, comforting to know.

Yes I believe as you've achieved (Kudos) that we can have this demon walking behind but not with us. I plan to one day be able to completely wipe it out of my life.
Know exactly what you mean about being in the pits, ya never forget those times aye, yeah in past but also present with BP but doesn't mean as you know it's here to stay. Gotta work from the head to get on top I reckon. Nearly impossible when we're in the lows but learning stuff & posting as I go.

Chooky lost another post just then lol wow Karmas really biting me since laughing at you doin same :D.
Clearly yous are mates lol

Thanks guys, nearly good again, phew, longer haul than usual and didn't realise till other night was taking really deep breaths often, was exhausted beyond over several heavy as weeks, looking like I'm going straight back into another BP cycle which happened few wks ago hence extreme hard times but for now ok. Time will tell. Sleeps erratic, a sign

Hope yous have a good day

Care & thanks again xx

[Just Sara]

Dear Chooky and Star; hugs to both!

I'm so glad to read you're having a good day Chooky; and yes, Star and I have met around the traps a few times. 🙂 Just a few...hundred lol

I'm in a bit of a self assessing shift atm, so please forgive my post ok? You both would 'get' the gist of this process yeah? I spoke with a friend tonight who helped me put my trigger situation into perspective. It's great to have a person in my life who really know me.

We spoke about getting to a place in our recovery where there's no more avoiding that one mongrel issue that's been around since birth! We also talked about the need for 1on1 case management for those of us who slip thru the gaps of MH service provision.

I need intensive support! Even intelligent souls with self insight galore can have an area that can't be monitored and dealt with by ourselves. I'm not talking about counselling either.

I hate winging, honestly! I want to write something uplifting and warm, but the brain's on 'self' mode...sorry.

I'll end things here. Know I do care and want to support and encourage. Wanting to get to know you too.

Sara Sez Chooky xo

[demonblaster]

Look after yourself Sez Chooky

Thankyou for your continuing support & caring

Yeah had a good day at least recently not so great yesterday but hoping today's better. I can handle this atm was rough before but through that.

Ahhhhh you feeling pretty average hun aye ((( soul touching hugs girl )))
I'd like to be here for you too darl but think you're not wanting to open up which is your choice entirely but if you ever do I"m here sweet 🙂 Fantastic you have someone that you can talk to.

Thanks chooky for what you and the crew do here for people, yous are deeply appreciated, all of you that make this happen.

Cya later xx

[demonblaster]

Depression envelopes us in pain. Consumes us. Pulls us down in EVERY way, makes us think we're worthless, useless, unlovable. ALL good people are lovable.

Someone here said we don't have to believe it. Truth. We don't. Good starting point. Why do we believe it.
Because we don't like ourselves?
So what if we start there. Look for our goods we've got em. Work on our bads but first we've gotta do the goods I think. By looking at ourselves from outside without judgement or emotion. Mindfulness (learning about in thread here)

Psych once when I said I'm going to fight this and a friend recently said similar to his answer which was he held a piece of rope & said pull it, I did & there was strong resistance. That's true too, but if we don't fight it how do we combat the beast.

Also heard here to make friends with our demons. Sound. What if we use them for us instead of allowing them to pull us down. These demons attack our self worth so chances are we don't like ourselves. We accept what they're saying.

On fb (Facebook) once. We're only given things to deal with that we can. Maybe/not but I like it & choose to believe it

It's imperative for survival to like ourselves. I think that's gotta be if not the starting point one of the biggest towards peace & happiness.

bbl taken pain relief need to crash

I'm starting to think of depression as a separate entity. It's not how we want to be feeling but we for now don't have a choice, but that doesn't mean we can't change it & figure out how to if not be rid of it, to handle it.
Our minds are incredibly powerful, though they have a lot of knowledge there's still much to learn.

We give in to depression, it's so powerful.Everyone on earth wants happiness yet this power takes us down.

[Starwolf]

Great post DB !

You are right, depression does all the above and some more. But it is not us. Seeing it as IT not US, is the beginning of detachment.

Fighting only leads to exhaustion. Depression depletes our inner resources enough without adding more pressure. Struggling with the difference between what we know should be right and what we can actually do is just another stressor. We need to eliminate as much stress as possible because depression feeds on it.

Stopping the fight doesn't mean giving up. Far from it. We must keep in mind at all times that the best way to overcome evil is to make steady progress towards the good. The mind is then freer to focus on positive stuff, not its opposite. Whenever negativity threatens to drown us, it is a good idea to search around for a scrap of beauty or some advantage, no matter how minor it may be. It's like focusing on the white dot inside the black side of a yin/yang symbol. Nurturing that positive speck will allow it to grow.

It takes time and dogged persistence. Eventually, it will become a habit...automatic.

A hug and peaceful day to you.

[demonblaster]

Thanks Star nice to see you 🙂 Yes so much with depression.

Heard here & wondering when depressed, wether to go with it rather than fight it, or work on it, as you say it's exhausting. I don't mean sink with it which it's doing anyway but thinking how to cope during it. Distraction helps even if temporarily tho doesn't solve anything we need breaks from it. Some people have it constantly so hard to work on it in the good times to be prepared & stronger.

Lack of sleep brings on stress, at our weakest probs first we need to get control over. Depression feeds of it
Excercise helps to get tired but there's a fine line it also brings on energy, movement can.
Recently to come down I had to stop walking (do hills) for over a wk which allowed my body to come down from pump. Did start sleeping then without meds.

I don't usually suffer anxiety but had full blown dose a while after loss of darling life partner, heart went beserk palpatating/hyperventillating/panic the works, calmed myself pretty quickly quite an ordeal, was doing art & noticed I was taking really deep breaths & realised I was exhausted, several times was having anxiety attacks the panic welling up got control by thinking this is anxiety calm down you don't wanna feel this way, it's ok, don't let the panic take over & concentrating on breathing normally. Works.

Gunna start working on meditation which could be applied in day time too once mastered. Hard to concentrate when the minds in torture but can be done. It's about pushing through, we have to. Takes time & practice but for control yeah worth it. Unbelievably through mania (hundred thoughts a sec lol) for a while I meditated which pulled down the highs still thank god have em but not as ott. Massive achieve so it is effective.

Absolute we need to take stress outta our lives if we can. I think what we need is to learn to control it, all emotions actually. Then we gain peace. What pulls us down is our reactions.

God gotta go, still copping a flogging from pain relief.

Thanks for reply Star

Take good care 🙂

Hope your days good too 🙂

[Just Sara]

I posted here this morning guys!

Don't know what happened but there must've been an issue for the mod's?? Maybe I swore or something. Yeah, I think I did, the s--t word. Anyway, I'm sorry you haven't seen it. I'm here...honestly.

I was planning on just reading tonight, but felt I had to let you know I haven't forgotten you.

Sincerely

Sara xo