Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Thanks Star, you're very supportive & very appreciated 🙂

Yes I'm starting to learn to look back same as you in a positive way rather than negative & say to myself I've survived several suicide attempts, darkest of dark and had much happiness between the rot.
It is worth the effort esp when we've seen the darkest sides aye.

Art is hard to explain, I reluctantly say abstract cause I've seen some horrors with it lol, (yeah yeah beauty in the eye of beholder, not this eye 🙂 & I wouldn't give 2 cents for Mona Lisa, well yeah I would for monetary value lol but some have I think accurately described it as tribal art. Maybe similar to Celtic, they're designs, I KNOW I can make it big (sounds Bipolary I know but truth). Goal to be a household name.
This friend I'm talking about believes in it too and we're in throws of going into it together. May not eventuate with her though I think it might but time will tell, I'll find another way but for now the great thing is I HAVE a goal & working towards it. Actually starting to enjoy it, mainly it's monetary value not love of art, but am starting to appreciate the satisfaction of creating something really nice.
I really like Calligraphy (latern for beautiful writing) but seems I do have art skills which is a good. Did a little art at employment agency while back and surprised myself, & the bloke was an art teacher, seems I have some natural talent. Helps

Good on you getting to the point of stopping it before it consumes you.
Takes a lot of strength and perseverence doesn't it.
Hope you pat yourself on the back regularly 🙂

Cya around here, think I'll stick here more often than not now. It's nice to be able to hopefully help others & support. We all know what it's like here.

Vital, thanks everyone involved 🙂

Hope your days good Star

[Starwolf]

You've hit the nail on the head. Creativity is the best antidote against negativity. Having a talent to go with it is a gift. Self-belief is also a terrific asset. It may or may not be sometimes fueled by BP highs but what if it is ? There again, a good way to put personal demons to good use. Kudos for having a goal and working towards it. And yeah, enjoyment sure takes the edge off hard work !

Your reference to Mona Lisa made me smile. Pretty much everyone who has seen the painting"face to face" has felt let down (me included). As usual, the public grabs hold of whatever (anything) and runs with it. Before you know it, it acquires mythical proportions. Same as the stories running through all communities, big or small. The media has it easy...Creating myths is a human basic need, isn't it ?

I agree that distraction is a temporary strategy but it can be renewed. It gives some measure of control, the freedom to manipulate the mind instead of being manipulated by it. I think everyone of us is to a large extent enslaved by the mind. Personality is the product of past experiences and our reactions to them. Mental conditions sure aggravate the issue.

Enough philosophying...enjoy the day.

[demonblaster]

LOVE depth & philosophying Star 🙂

Thanks for reply and encouragement

Just read an article shared on fb (Facebook) interesting about mindfulness.
Try & remember what they were saying, was to do with meditation activating a section of the brain that lessened the Thalmus? (?Sp) activity that recongnizes pain mentally & pyhsically.
They had 3 groups. They heated skin on people to 120% F so that'd be approx 40 degrees Celsius I think Closeish)
One group did placebo meditation, another group had controlled (unsure what they meant, maybe pain relief) & the other had ? normal type of meditation, the normal meditation group had 40+ % less depression from the pain and 25+ % less feeling of physical pain.

Our minds are extremely powerful, we've just gotta learn how to use them in our favour.

Jeez I know I can get there but Woesie it's so damned heavy & hard to turn it around. But is achievable I know it.

I think one of the keys are in the between times, to work on coping strategies.
When we're down our minds are too chokka with heavies.
Think working on changing our thinking, how we feel about ourselves is vital.
Good starting point

have great day Star

[Starwolf]

Just in case you haven't caught up with it, there's a thread about mindfulness in the Staying well section (Mindfulness : What is it ?...).

I credit mindfulness with saving my life. As you have noticed, it is very difficult for the western mind to get into. Though it has become a way of life for me, something automatic, it was not always that way !!! So much of Life passes us by while we're busy concocting unlikely/useless scenarios in our mind... Living alone in the wilderness and working with animals keeps me anchored in the moment. The natural world is a fascinating masterpiece of engineering.

[demonblaster]

Ok thx Star

I'll be interested in having a gander, not sure when though

Yes it sure is a masterpiece of engineering, I don't think it's an accident or miracle we're here. Maybe hope there's more to meet up with love we've had/have but reasons like water, food for different species of life, all here provided.
Amazing world we live in, & the mystery of what's it all about.

We're part of the universe

God hear ya about the scenarios, I'm pretty happy that I seem mostly to have got somehow that under control, not always & plenty other stuff to work through but that was a huge down, frustrating.

Star is it you that copes untold better through Ayurveda? Western world thinking made me think it may be you.
I have looked into that a little, liked the bits I saw on video online with Deepak Chopra stuff he was saying.

If it's not you I'll stumble on the post one day & direct you, you may be interested too

[Starwolf]

I like the way Deepak Chopra incorporates Ayurveda principles into his branch of modern medicine. While living a decade in Asia, I looked into Ayurveda and a lot of it made sense to me. There again, so do elements of traditional Chinese medicine and much else, from shamanism to mysticism. I always had an inquisitive mind and traveled a lot. So my approach to life is eclectic. I have adopted and rejected elements of various cultures, religions and philosophies. Learning as I go...

I agree that the mind is powerful and that we use little of it. But this power can also play against us....and does regularly. The fact that it depends on a cocktail of electro-chemical reactions, that it has autonomy and rulership over us, that much of it is a product of the past, gradually led me to consider it as an entity outside my real self. With that came detachment. I stopped associating with the BS it regularly got me tangled in. I guess I began treating it very much as one of the rogue animals I have been working on/with all my life (I'm a remedial trainer). This approach worked for me...though teaching it to "sit and stay" didn't come easy. These days, it walks at heel a lot better, even when off leash. Whenever it strays, it will heed recall. Cooperation Vs all out war 🙂

I'm 100% with you. Knowing it can be done is a first but huge step forward. Well done for taking that leap.

[demonblaster]

Thanks Star

Yeah I wanna read more about him and Ayurveda, probs won't go that way, will eventually eat way better more regularly but interested cause the chooky here has successfully beaten the downs with that science I guess or better word belief maybe.....Haaa eeeelp plz 🙂

Good on you travelling a lot, know of a lot of people that have that thirst to explore and see the world.

Couple of ?'s I know I could look em up but often explanations from dictionary's leave ya completely bamboozled more so than originally.
Eclectic ? Heard it before but not sure of meaning
Remedial trainer (with dogs I'm assuming) Scared of em until know any animal for that matter isn't gunna chomp at me (Shaking/mouth & eyes wide emote)

Not sure if it was you I said my theory about why we all have bad points and part of our brains pull us down when every human wants happiness.
Controversial yes, I think we've been created for several reasons but let's say there's a God involved which is good, what about along the Ying & Yang lines which is evident in so many aspects of our lives and on earth, we were also created by the devil explaining why part of us constantly tries to pull us down. We ALL, well nearly, have good & bad to us.

I heard that chemicals were the reason for downs, mood swings, ups etc, but then also heard not long ago, maybe not, they don't know for sure yet so dunno.
Just heard other day sorry if repeating, about the electro magnetic biz that comes from the sun & works in our heads. Interesting you saying about that soon after hearing about it.
Wanna ask him more about that. Very knowledgeable man, either 90 or 91, all faculties, remarkable man, walking talking, seems a real gentleman. Had great convo on bus other day with him, knew him before from bussing. Meet a lot of people, some have become good friends, some in process.
Always loved p.transporting, your around peeps even if don't get into chats.

Good for you holding it at bay, quite a major accomplishment, we all know how heavy the burden is.

Phew I'm just starting to come good after a mth intermittent wicked downs. Was extremely tired which plays a huge part. Gets frightening how low ya go. Get desparate, fear of going under the line

[Starwolf]

Good to know you are feeling a little more at peace. A month in hell feels like eternity, doesn't it ? You are right, something as simple as long-term lack of sleep stops us firing on all cylinders, physically, mentally and emotionally. Sleep deprivation has often been used as a form of torture. Exhaustion on all levels also makes brainwashing a lot easier...so it is easier for the mind to drag us where we don't want to go.

By eclectic I mean I have picked up and experimented with a lot of different schools of thought. Adopted what made sense and worked, rejected the rest. Heaps of bits and pieces from here and there. I don't subscribe to any ism...way too dogmatic, limiting.

Remedial trainer ? I "rehab" (deprogram/reprogram) animals who have been deemed unrehomable, and unworkable. Mostly dogs and horses. Most of them with homicidal tendencies due to human misunderstanding, mishandling, cruelty and neglect (so suffering from an animal version of PTSD !).

If you are interested in the mechanics of the brain, I'd suggest you google NIMH-Brain basics. It is explained in everyday language. If I remember right, there is a section on the way electro-chemical reactions play a part in mental conditions. Also how the "wrong" part of the brain kicks in to cause anxiety (the fight/flight reflex) etc... The scientific approach in lay terms, no gobbledygook. A good starting point to extend research further if you are so inclined. Getting familiar with the mechanical side of the story can help take it less personally.

Wishing you a peaceful, restful evening.

[demonblaster]

Hey Star

Yes the downs are so hard to get through, thought I was on the up (not mania) yesterday, felt a LOT better but woke up again pretty average.I can handle this though, hard but not deep like usual rot.
Need to pin point reasons & go from there.
Being around people helps. Good distraction usually happy around them, its the alone times which most could probs relate the brain does it's best work.
I'm sure I can win over this, just gotta learn how. Got a few clues need to learn putting them into practice.
Walking a few hills will give a boost & getting stuck into the card for friends (passed recently) Mum will help. Distractions good but doesnt get to the core of probs. Over it. See psych next wk she comes this way from Canberra every 6 wks, haven't seen for an age so got some ear bashing to do, poor thing lol.

Thx explaining stuff, so eclectic taking info outta few resources?

Wow! you're a brave person taking on disturbed animals. Good on you, have no doubt they go wild through lack of human compassion & love. What some people do to animals is pure evil. Mongrels. Good on you.
I'd need a few changes of undies putting it mildly.
Had some hairy times with dogs protecting their properties (fair enough) door to door over the yrs. Being scared doesn't help an iota, pretty sure they sense my fear 2 hrs before I land at their place. Phew never been bitten but the heart attacks made up for that lol.

Thanks I might have a squiz one day at the brain stuff.

So are you majority of the time ok now, I know you said about the shadow close by but sounds like you keep the beast at bay. Congrats. It IS possible to get control isn't it, that I DO believe. It's our thinking that allows us to continue feeling down, I think it's down to rewiring our thinking.
Opened my mind recently to different & lateral thinking, helped temporarily maybe a touch of mania stepping in, didn't last long must try & tap into it again.

Yes in wars sleep deprivation used, maybe today too as a form of torture. It's powerful, we're at our weakest when tired,exhausted. For mind & body it's a need to function fully. We're at our strongest with enough sleep.

Hope your days good Star 🙂

[demonblaster]

Approx the past mth I've been majority of the time very low, Up & down, which can be consistent with mixed episodes of BP (Bipolar) but usually I sit either up in the highs & very low in the downs.

Reason I've had ups amongst the downs is through listening to people here & thinking stuff through, (Constantly doing that) so forced myself through & against that part of the mind insisting to stay put & be miserable to go to table tennis, as well as went to a family/friend Cancer cuppa day which both lifted me no end & other stuff too.
For me, not everyone I realise, people stimulate me, not necessarily in a good way but most are good.
This worked till I was alone again but at least it was a break from going deeper that's always a fear as most would know. It's been a doozy at times amongst pretty rough times, they usually are extreme.

Point: Distractions useful if only to give us a break from our heads.

I try not to be blagghhh amongst people but do find talking to them about how it is though probs a downer which I don't wanna do to people at least it gives them an understanding (hopefully) & many don't know what we go through unless we explain. Education from the horses mouth. (Nayyyy)
There's so many mental issues that many have, most people if not themselves know of someone that does, so it can be beneficial too, cause of hearing different ways of coping, ideas, support etc.

I started over a few days on PC jotting down what I've worked out so far but haven't put a lot to practice yet, it takes time, gotta be in the right mindset, not tired, strong (at our best with enough sleep) & often it's over yrs we've had a certain mindset, letting the downs down us. I'm learning & repeat, I'm going to beat this, or worst scenario, get control over it, so WIN WIN either way.
The list got bigger & bigger so over time I'll keep going here.
Hopefully will help others too.

Hold on people, it's worth the battle for freedom & happiness.

I believe we can all get there, just gotta work out how.