Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[July]

Hi everyone,

My son did not get a prison sentence in Feb, I was stunned.. he got a "community based order", No wonder people complain about the court system ,after I had written a heart felt letter to the judge about my son, I was at court ...again as always...his lawyer did not represent him because he had not paid her , no surprise there, she did not make things better anyway. My son was very anxious at court because he to, thought he was going to prison again, when the judge gave him his sentence we were shocked and I just thought ...oh no he's back on the street again to do whatever with no consequences. He himself looked very surprised and when I stood to walk out of court he came up to me and pulled me in close and started crying ??, the shock... relief?? I don't know. He walked out with his arm around me, like a little lost boy needing his mum, it was so sad. I didn't say anything but just I love you and support you , what else could I say , he was already down I couldn't make the situation any worse at that time. We spoke outside of court briefly, again trying to talk some rational sense to him, and I have not heard from him since.... no contact on mothers day …, I messaged him on his birthday , never heard anything. So again he has gone underground... I wish he could understand the pain and anguish he causes, the not knowing if he's ok, as a mother I don't expect to be informed of every aspect of his life but just a text even to tell me he's alright ….is that to much to ask? I have loved and supported him through hell and back, I just don't know what else to do . I do try to live my life but I often stop and hope and pray my boy is alright, he just doesn't get it that maybe he thinks because he is 37 now and a grown man I shouldn't care ?? , I don't know , but I am his mum always and forever. It breaks my heart to see this addiction override my love for him. His sisters and younger brother suffer as well . not having him in their lives. I miss him so much and the pain of this situation will forever stay imprinted on my heart. But I will be here ...just waiting …, all my love to the other families going through this.

[demonblaster]

Hi July and everyone ☺

Thank you July for keeping in touch and updating us.

My heart really goes out to you and your family and for anyone going through this deeply sad emotional torture.

What a shame he's not contacted you. Clearly he still loves you July that would have been deeply moving in the courthouse.

I hold onto hope that the fears been put into him about potential returning to jail could make him change his ways and I so hope you hear from him soon.

You're a fantastic mother July you've not left his side and continue with such deep pain to support him.

I hope you have someone or people or a support group that you can talk about this with. You'll always have here hun anytime.

I don't know if you're a hugger, if not that's ok darl 🤗

I so hope for you and your family that this situation changes and your son can get through this and for it to be a memory.

Wishing you every hope good lady.

You're loves pure ⚘🕊

[July]

Thankyou Demonblaster, I would not wish this on anyone, but it is what it is...I guess. I have a few people I can talk to but here I can truly express myself in words, maybe its the written word that helps to actually release some of the frustration and to have people respond with unbiased views also really helps. Its also comforting to know there are others who freely give their time to help others, when I read your response it really warmed my heart ...thankyou. Take care.

[Croix]

Dear July~

Thank you for letting us know what happened - as you say it was a surprise and for a brief moment he clung to you. Even if you do not see it you are the only rock he has. No, he may not be talking with you now, however that may not all be drugs and disregard, shame can sometimes make one shy away, perhaps there is an element of that too.

Being in a prison does not necessarily mean one comes out clean where drugs are concerned, plus it has its own problems too, so please do not regard it as an opportunity missed.

There are times all a parent can do is provide a stable and loving oasis for a troubled life and hope. I can't paint a rosy picture, but neither would I say all hope is gone. He has part of you in him, and that counts for a lot. His sisters and younger bother have you - and each other. No one could ask for a better mother

Croix

[July]

Thankyou for your kind words, yes I agree there is definitely shame associated with his behavior, and I know he hates to see me upset, thus keeping away ,he doesn't have to face the pain on his mothers face. At times I have wanted to give in....give up and stop dealing with it , but I know I am his only constant and his base and if I give up ….will he ?? so I can't give up on him, as much as I feel useless and out of control in regards to helping him. I guess I thought if he went back to prison it would break that cycle and when he was in prison last time he actually thrived. But I do realise that until he makes that decision to give up the drugs , there is nothing I can do to save him. That is the hardest battle I am facing, watching him waste his life, he is 37, no job, no house, no stable partner , no children ...all the things you want for your child when they are grown. But above all , I just want him to be happy, content and to feel safe and secure, not the unpredictable merry go round of drugs, crime and the "pretend circle of friends" who only keep him in the fantasy world of uncertainness in life. So I am living a double life , one that the world sees on the outside and the other in private where I grieve my son , who is still alive. Well tomorrow is another day , one can only hope.

July

[LeeLee5]

Hi White Knight,

I came across July’s post accidentally but it struck a huge cord with me as my situation is almost identical and then I read your response - I just wanted to say thank you for your words because they meant a lot to me, as they clearly did to July.

Take care

[Will never understand]

I have been coming back and forth to this website reading other parents heartache and wonder what I did wrong. I go to write something and then think I’m just silly and to suck it up. Your son did what he did. Sadly I don’t think I will ever get past it and I have tried so hard but no one wanted to listen to me. My son has been in rehab twice and subs acute mental place but they just kept telling me he was ok and had goals. 2 weeks later he committed the worst thing under the influence of a lot of drugs. He deserves to be in jail and he no’s that but why do people need to keep putting stuff on Facebook. He can’t see it and the rest of his family suffer, but maybe that’s what they want. It’s been 2 years and they still keep writing stuff. I just wonder what will happen when he gets out, he can’t come back to his home town. Sadly I don’t think he understands why. Just wish the drug ice was never invented, it destroys so many lives and they become someone else. Anyway I have finally vented and wish I could get rid of the ache in my heart. X

[Croix]

Dear Will never understand~

I'm glad you came here, if for no other reason than to give you a chance to speak of the heartbreak you live with. There is a sort of built in part of human nature that assumes guilt, deserved or not. I doubt you have done anything wrong at all. you love your son, and that is all a mother can do

Life, associates, circumstances, opportunity and a host of other factors play a part in a person taking drugs.

Ice is a particularly nasty drug, and changes people until they are unrecognizable, does so quickly, and is hard to recover from. Sadly rehab does not always work though repeated visits can have better results in time, it depends on a lot of things. As you know a determination by the person concerned plays a big factor.

Do you need Facebook? If there are people on your account still saying things designed to hurt then perhaps it is time to close that avenue down - what do you think?

At least here you reading and talking with people that have to face the same terible time, it helps you realize you are not alone. When it happens you do tend to think it does not happen to others , sadly it does, and you need support

May I ask if yo have support yourself, a partner, family member or friend you can speak frankly with about your feelings, someone who cares?

Croix

[Will never understand]

Thanks for your words. I don’t have Facebook anymore but got told about what was written. You see it was my niece and brother in law that put it all over Facebook. My niece is training to be a nurse and the person that told me, didn’t think it was appropriate for a nurse to post stuff like that. My sons crime has nothing to do with my sister or her family but he has hated me because he believed I took my sisters inheritance away. WHICH I DIDN’T!!! Sadly jealousy and money has destroyed another family. My son not only had drug and alcohol/gambling addiction, he also has intellectual disabilities and was bullied throughout his life. Very easily lead and would do anything to please other people but sadly is not a nice person in drink/drugs. He’s going ok and keeps busy with his jobs and gym/artwork but I do worry what will be when he gets out. He is surpose to be having physiologist appointments every month but in 2 years has seen one 3 times. Anyway thank you for replying, it is nice to vent. I do have some really good friends but I feel they still have their own families and sometimes feel like I shouldn’t be there. I’m sure I will be fine in a few days, just this last incident has brought it all back and being so close to Xmas. Thanks again

[Croix]

Dear Will never understand~

Actually I do think you do understand, Jealousy and money do indeed fracture families, sadly some people do not learn what is truly important until late, if ever.

You son, with intellectual disabilities, is a prime target for being lead by others into all the traps life offers, and the fact he becomes so difficult when influenced by drugs simply makes it worse. Perhaps a prisoner's welfare organization might be of some help. The Australian Prison Foundation has a list of organizations by state/territory, I'm not sure how up to date it is, however it may be of some help:

https://www.freewebs.com/australianprisonfoundation/organisationsforprisoners.htm

Good friends tend to be inclusive, and are there both to be leaned on , and given support themselves when needed. I'm sure you can strike a balance.

May I ask what you are planning for Xmas day?

Croix