Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Croix]

Dear July~

Among all your difficult decisions deciding about telling your younger son about his brother must be very hard. Does he have, or did he have a very close relationship with him? Maybe the news might help him avoid pitfalls, I guess you are the best judge.

I'm sure your right and your older son does have feelings of shame and embarrassment, however your love will count for a lot, if not now then later. Being sensible and a solid base in life does have an effect.

Sadly when the restrictions are no longer there the same things in life that made him use are still there and he uses again.

I'm glad you are able to talk about all this with your husband and daughters, at least you are not quite alone, and yes, going back to counseling quicker sounds a pretty good idea.

So many people live lives so far removed from the real side of life they simply cannot understand, and end up adopting the views of those like politicians, who create as much of a divide as possible for their own ends.

I know you believe "my one job on this earth was to raise my four kids ...". Well as a parent and as an ex-policemen I'm not sure you are totally right, you too need kindness and support, you are a mother, true, but a wife, in all probability have had the chance to be a daughter, and so many other roles too. They are all important.

Children are only partly a product of our lives, they come up against their own experiences which for good or bad have their influences too. If your son has a decent core, not matter what is on the outside, that is your doing, and that of the rest of his family too.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

[July]

Hi Croix,

My son has voluntarily put himself into a residential rehab facility, miracle.... the manager called me to tell me that as his 2 week lock down has commenced, he cannot have contact with anyone on the outside .

I'm not sure what happened last week at his court date but he has another court date this monday , and now I know what the charges are . I am in two minds about this....is he doing it because he is in trouble and trying to score points with the judge?? is he doing it because he thinks its for the best ?? , because this is a relapse of course, I am sceptical. But have decided I must give him the opportunity to recover and support him through it, if it succeeds then its a blessing .

The manager said he was coming down and was behaving and following rules, and she has sought him a doctors appt and a mental assessment with counselling, she told me he broke down and cried and asking her to call me, so she did ....of which I am thankful. I told her that we will pay for his treatment and any other ongoing costs , she is very strict and told me any breach of the rules and he's out ...fair enough , he needs to be accountable . He is been supervised at all times and will be escorted to court on monday , I asked her should I be there ...and she said he would be very grateful for the support , so I will be there in court to see him and have time with him before .

If he goes back into prison this will be the last time I see him before he goes in , so I must stand by him, I know I will cry ,but I need to hug him and tell him I love him ,no matter what happens. I will have to trust that he will find his way , I'm sure he is worried about going back in but thats his choice and will have to accept it. Of course I am dreading going but I need to tell him I'm proud of him going to rehab and give him the benefit of doubt that he's doing it with all good intent . We will go from there then. He has had a good upbringing and I do believe he has a good core, but this addiction has brought him down and been his undoing.

As for me ...well I have to carry on , support and love him through this , try to believe in myself and my mothering, I've got through things before so I must convince myself I will again .

Its the worst thing to see your child go through something and you can't fix it .

July

[Doolhof]

Hi July,

I am so very sorry to read what you are going through, your son as well, and the rest of the family.

It must be tough counting down the hours until you see your son in the court room. Do you have ways to distract yourself when your thoughts become too overwhelming as is only natural at a time like this.

You know you have support and care here on this forum as part of the community here. Hopefully you can find the support you need right where you are as well.

Wish I had the words to share to help you through this horrid time!

Thinking of you, your son and all your family!

Cheers from Dools.

[July]

Hi everyone ,

Well the nightmare continues ... my son was exited from rehab because a "friend " came and brought him drugs of course he tried to deny it... but was told to leave , the manager called me to inform me , I was devastated. She still sent 2 rehab guys to court on monday hoping he would conform and return, I did go to court and waited outside , my daughter and her partner went in to hear the exact story , his lawyer ( whom I found out had previously "dated " him and was a friend of my daughter ) did not tell the judge my son has relapsed and was evicted from rehab , instead telling the judge he was doing "well" ??? .She told my daughter she just wanted him to have more time ?? for what ?? . Outside court I saw him and was told he has now refused to go back to rehab , his case was adjourned for 6 weeks because he is "doing well ", which is a lie. I approached him to talk to him and he was clearly under the influence , I was calm and just tried reasoning with him , so embarrassing... everyone was looking at us but I knew I had one chance to try and get through to him, the rehab guys left without him as he refused to go . In prison he will get no rehab, no counselling ...nothing , I said to him if you go back to prison... we all do ... but no he just wanted to go and I guess "enjoy" the next 6 weeks of freedom , he will be imprisoned in January because of the charges and his refusal to go to rehab.

He hugged me and told me he loved me .....my heart again breaking into a thousand pieces, its so hard trying to save someones life and they just don't care.

I will attend his next appearance in January , thats all I can do. How unprofessional of a lawyer to represent a client having a conflicting interest , she was laughing with him like it was a big joke , instead of acting in his best interest now he is free to do who knows what , angry ,drug fuelled and belligerent . I would have preferred him to be put in prison that day instead of being free. I am worried about his mental health and knowing he has another 6 weeks of freedom what is he going to do?

Thanks for listening .

July

[Croix]

Dear July~

My heart really does go out to you, you love and try so hard and I would imagine you wonder at your son's decisions.

You can see long term, consequences, even a light at the end of the tunnel if everything went well.

Sadly your son cannot, the opportunity for the drugs from that 'freind' out-weighted the rehab chance, the need for 6 weeks freedom was so much more attractive than anything else.

If words could have changed things then you would have succeeded, however they so often don't.

I'm sure from what you say he does love you. I guess it it was me that might be something to hold onto.

Croix

[July]

Hi Croix,

Yes I have only his words to hold to , "I love you mum ", words that a mother longs for, treasures and keeps close to her heart.

I know who he is deep inside ...away from the poison of drug use, but this addiction is all consuming and I have to accept at this stage that I have no option but to watch his decline again , I know once he is in prison and gets clean he will be remoresful and sorry and the light of reality will creep back into his head.

I will again see that beautiful boy that I raised ....albeit in the confines of a prison.

July.

[MissLulu]

Hi July, I know it's been a while sine you posted but I was just wondering how you are doing? I have read your story from start to end and have nothing but sympathy for you. xx

[Butterfly23]

Hi I’m heartbroken my son gets sentenced tomorrow I have 2 other sons who have done good in life !! Just my youngest son has been into drugs since he was 12 !! I’m dreading tomorrow also he’s told a lot of lies about me to reduce his sentencing how I’m I going to cope with listening to all his lies and especially him getting sentenced tomorrow I tried everything to help him and my hearts broken any advice would be nice thank you

[Croix]

Dear Butterfly23~

My heart goes out to you, it is bad enough he is in court, but trying to get you made responsible in part so he can get a lighter sentence is heart-breaking. Drugs are so destructive, to every part of a human. What they have done to your son does not bear contemplating. It is also something you are not responsible for

I would think it likely every mother in this situation will wonder where she went wrong , if she could have done thngs differently, and all those other corrosive self-blaming thoughts. Sadly drugs can defeat the most stable and loving household.

You have a lot of love to even think of attending the sentencing, do you think you can get your other sons to go with you, or if not then someone else?

Having someone to sit with you though the experience, and then maybe help with transport on the way home does make a difference.

Please feel free to talk as much here as you would like.

Croix

[demonblaster]

Hi Butterfly23 July Croix and readers

Good seeing you again ☺

You poor lady. This must be soul destroying pain. I'm really sorry you and your family have no choice going through such hard times as a result of drugs. They don't only hurt the user and loved ones, the tremendous ripple affects to so many people.

My hope for you is you have someone good in your corner for defense if it works that way at this stage with court.
One thing that might be in your favor as far as the lies go is drug abuse and lies sadly would be extremely common in courts, not that that would make it easier for you hearing it.

The drugs are what's making him clasp at straws and lie. I don't know him and your relationship, but I feel it would have been good before he started using because apart from you clearly being a good Mum the fact you're as Croix said going to court and standing by him.

I'm not sure if there's any specific drug call centres for support. If there is either GP, here or lifeline would probably know.

In case you want to talk in voice or there's other options at the bottom left for here and the numbers on top of pages as well.

1300 224636 (here)

Lifelines no: 131114

Butterfly I so hope you have someone you can talk to in real life about this too.

In times of high stress our sleep usually goes haywire which adds to it. You may or not have spoken to your GP who potentially can help you.

You strike me as a caring loving mother Butterfly. Darl I'm not your son I know but deep down under all his anger frustration and pain I would think he as you to him does still love you.

My advice. If you can keep in mind it's the drugs talking. They have a powerful hold on him as you know
Hold onto hope hun, many people have successfully come clean 🕊
Again I don't know but if he gets ordered rehabilitation that's a window of hope for better ahead

See you later darl. Wishing the best for you all

🦋

⚘