Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Croix]

Dear Donna and all~

I hope you don't mind me butting in here for a moment.

There are two worlds. People that have not committed offenses and those that have. The operative word in either case is still people. Many on either side are less than desirable (I have to say that), many on either side are still normal human beings.

Unfortunately the way society is set up: politicians, the judicial system, business, the media, entertainment - all force a great division and indulge in vilification – because it is easy.

It's a bitter thing to find out how big the gulf is if one bridges both worlds, as you do.

You can feel that you are being treated as guilty by association. For you friends & colleagues to understand and give support they have to change mindset, move out of their comfort zone and go against stereotypes.

True friends will, out of concern for you. Acquaintances will make excuses to themselves and move away with no empathy, or even display malice motivated by self-protection.

It's a pretty daunting thing to find out which camp the people you know fall into. Friends are rare and gold. Acquaintances are there in good times, but fold under pressure and fade away.

To be lied to by a family member about an offense is very common – probably more common than not. It's terribly hard to believe a close family member has actually offended. When the truth does emerge there is no set of guidelines as to what to think, how to regard them, what to do, and what will happen.

Talking to others in the same situation is, I guess, the best thing. Others may be discovering coping mechanisms, you can piggyback on\help them to some extent.

So what am I saying? If you are feeling at sea as to how to react, if you feel hurt, resentful, if you feel worried, that you have let someone down... a host of conflicting feelings - or numbness - that is to be expected.

You are dealing in uncharted waters in two worlds. Please don't berate yourself for passing by without visiting. You need to be in a really good secure place yourself first before wading into that nest of triggers.

On a lighter note I was able to complete a course of study (took slightly longer than the norm due to concentration difficulties) after being invalided out.

Not only your family but you deserves you back. These 4 years can be the base from which you build. I built.

Croix

[July]

Hi Girls,

Its been a while, sorry ....well where do I start ...my son has had some ups and downs, once off parole he seemed to become secretive with his life , not telling us exactly where he is living and with whom, I am of course on guard but keeping a distance as he has to get on his own feet and know... I am not going to tolerate any bad behaviour.

We see him occasionally and he appears to be "drug free" but I am worried, he never got counselling after release from prison ..which he needed....and still needs , I see old patterns emerging in his conversations and he is not settled, he is quite promiscuous , I understand he is enjoying his "freedom" but is looking for love in all the wrong places and expecting these "women " to fill that void .

He is still working full time so that is a blessing ,his boss is so great and understanding , so that is a good sign, he is keeping a job, but his behaviour is questionable.

I dont think he is doing anything illegal , but this whole experience in prison has really thrown him and he is ...I think having trouble settling into life despite us doing everything we can to help him . At the end of the day he has to do it himself.

I am stressed over him and he is always in the back of my mind, despite trying get on with my own life , if I sit and think about him it starts to upset me and I get teary again, maybe he's ok ...maybe its me being over protective ...I don't know, I just feel he's so lost and will he ever settle.

Hes been out of prison for nearly 15 months now , people think its easy in there , but it does take a huge mental toll on prisoners, I know he should pay the price and he has but it affects us ..his family to.

Anyway I hope you are all well , I haven't read through any posts but I will , take care.

July

[Doolhof]

Hi July and Croix, and All,

Croix, your message makes so much sense. It is important to see all issues from both sides of the fence, but it is not always easy to do so.

July, I am sorry to read you feel your son is being secretive. Maybe he had to be like that in prison to survive, I don't know.

Maybe he has no idea on how much his choices in life have hurt you and others, or maybe he does! Even though he has been out of prison for 15 months he may be going through a very confusing time.

It is a shame he did not attend any counselling after he was released. It may have been very beneficial for him. Hopefully he will be open to suggestions for some kind of help if you feel he needs it.

Must be tough for you to have him released, then to have him be secretive and maybe keep his distance from you.

How about you July, are you looking after yourself in all of this? I'm sure your son will always be in your thoughts and that you may always wish life had been different.

Unfortunately as humans we mess up, and the results of that can cause pain to others.

Are you finding life a little easier now your son is out of prison, or is worry and concern still overpowering at times?

Thinking of you and wishing I had words of wisdom to help you through.

Cheers for now from Dools.

[July]

Hi Mrs Dools,

I'm doing ok , I guess if he were settled I would feel happier , but I feel he is secretive because he doesn't want to upset me or let me down again , not sure.

Either way ,if you have nothing to hide...hide nothing, as the saying goes, I just get by by looking after everyone else as usual, but at times I feel overwhelmed by it all, but if I crumble who's left.. its a balancing act for sure.

Sometimes I wish I could run away from everything and everyone, I am last on the list of priorities, its tiring and mentally demanding. I also know people have a lot worse problems than me so I shouldn't be selfish.

So I just get on with it and hope he is moving forward in a positive way , I will never stop worrying, cause he put me through this nightmare as well , its not just about the individual being incarcerated, yes... we all need to forgive ...but its damn hard to forget.

So thank you for your concern , its so nice to voice my feelings here without judgement.

July

[Doolhof]

Dear July,

My heart breaks for you. As you said, your son's incarceration has had such an impact on you as well as on him and others.

It does not matter if others have worse situations than you do, every person deserves to be treated fairly, to be respected, validated and their issues acknowledged. I acknowledge the journey you have shared with us, the hurt confusion and pain you must have experienced.

Is it at all possible for you to go away for a weekend, or maybe over night somewhere relaxing and special to you? I sometimes find that just an afternoon at the beach restores my sense of balance.

I'm hoping you are able to do something to make you feel better inside, even if it is fleeting, it is still a special moment for you to savour.

There is no judgement here July. Cheers to you from Mrs. Dools

[white knight]

Hi July, remember me?

Two years ago you started this thread, you weren't well at all. I'm the one time Pentridge prison officer 1977-1980, and we chatted then about how you were going yo cope with your son's imprisonment. Well you have made it, you are still here!

Prison can change inmates lives forever, for better or worse. Mental scars are the worse types and his secrecy in my opinion would be a basic mistrust of the world. You are in his world. He might not be capable of distinguishing the fact that he can trust you. The important thing is for you not to take this personally. Its not you, its him.

Think of the other possibilities. A career criminal maybe?...the old saying is "they go in as a car thief and get released as a safe cracker" rings true.

I think the last two years has proven one thing. How the most incredibly devoted mother on earth has survived to continue to do what she does best....to be there for her boy.

for that I dip my hat

Tony WK

[July]

Hi Tony,

Yes of course I remember you , you gave me some good advice and encouragement thought it all, yes I believe his experience had most definately changed him, how would it not, and I think you are spot on by saying he has a mistrust of the world. I always try to support and encourage him, at times he keeps his distance so I back off and give him space, because at the end of the day he has to figure it out himself , he still works full time which is great and has given him some self esteem .

He came yesterday to my granddaughters 3rd birthday party , he looked well and seemed happy....thats all I want for him, he gave me a big hug, sometimes I don't want to let go of him, that motherly instinct still wants to protect him at all costs, but I don't smoother him and just act "normal". I just let him know I'm here for him , that I wont let him down , he has issues surrounding people leaving him and not being there .

Yes he's still "my boy" , nothing will change that , I love him and always tell him, we together have survived this, at times ..unbearable, painful and heartbreaking ,but there is no way I will ever let go of him, we are close my first born and I ,something special between us and I will fight to the end.

I try not to take things personally ...its hard... but I have to let him fly.

Thanks again ,

July

[white knight]

Hi July,

It sounds to me like you have the mix right. I wish I had a mother like you.

Well done.

Tony WK

[July]

Hi Tony,

Thankyou for your kind words, a little kindness goes along way and thats what this world needs right now ...is love.

Take care

July

[A_Tech]

Hi Croix,

I appreciate your kind words, I wish more people knew how to express themselves so beautifully.

I do understand that for the most part friends, colleagues etc react out of fear and self preservation, I just wish that it wasn't so malicious!

As in my situation, I kept working for just over a year and a half after my brother was arrested for murder. The whole time I was subjected to bullying, discrimination, I had many rumours started about me personally that had nothing to do with my brother, it was all just meant to humiliate and wear me down, which it eventually did.

These were people that I had worked alongside (and had friendships with) for 10 years before this. The type of work we did meant that we formed very close bonds because of things we went through together.

Once they decided I was an outcast, it made doing my job extremely difficult. It's one thing to treat me like that, but when they're actions potentially effect the lives of others (our patients!) that's when I had to give in to them and leave.

And this was a government department!

This has left me with HUGE trust issues, not to mention a lot of resentment towards them. Anyone in a medical/first responder type job knows that the 'job' is a lifestyle. The shift work and on-call etc usually means that all your friends are from work. It's not just the lifestyle, but the experiences we go through too. Most 'outside' of work friends cant handle hearing the things we see and do every day. And rightly so. It's not normal!!

I know that's why it's taken me longer than I expected to make any decent progress in my treatment. I didn't get to have the 'debriefing' chats that we all did. I didn't realise how important they were to me until they were gone. And as you said, it helps to talk to someone in a similar situation, but in the last 4 years I haven't even 1 person (on this forum or in my life) that has a murderer for a relative!!

I guess I'm shit out of luck on that one. So instead I started to write letters to my brother. I don't post them, it's just a way to vent without ruining what's left of our relationship. But it has helped some.

Sorry for the babble, obviously time to write another nowhere letter. 🙂