Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Doolhof]

Dear Cath,

Welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue. It is wonderful you have found the courage to share your story and to reach out to others.

I'm so very sorry to read of the struggles you are enduring. You may have read in previous posts that we don't have children, so I don't understand all that you are going through.

Due to my own life's journey, I do understand feelings of grief, regret, a sense of loss and depression.

It must be terrible to see the life your son has chosen to follow. Some people say the parents are partly to blame. I don't believe that. My parents did all they could for me and I went right off the rails for a while. It happens to other people as well.

You are certainly most welcome to share here as often as you need to or want to. You will find people to be supportive and caring without passing judgement.

This is an older thread, hopefully people will join in and offer their voices to your situation. As Donna has mentioned she is off to New York and next week I will be away for Christmas as well. I don't want you to think that you are being abandoned if you do not receive any responses.

If you feel confident in time you may like to start up your own thread about any topic.

There is a social zone here as well where people catch up in games, light hearted threads and so on. We have a thread where people write down Three things they are thankful or Grateful for. You might like to check out that thread.

Cath, do you have a Dr who can recommend professionals who may be able to help you? You can use the phone help lines like the one here at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. I have called these people int he past and have found them to be very caring and helpful.

Do you have hobbies and interests you enjoy? I know it is tough to do so when you are feeling depressed and upset, it does help though to do something relaxing and enjoyable.

This is a long post from me already! Just want to let you know that you are very welcome here and I am so very sorry to read all you and your family have been through.

Cheers for now from Mrs. D

[cath57]

I am fortunate to have found this site, the reading of so many people who have endured this painful journey is more than I could ask for,. thanking everyone for their input. I will go to court and have always shown my son love, although at times I would take a while to sort myself out. I have experience this life for so long, it never seems to get easier. Sometimes I just want to run away, perhaps life offers no other choices but to toughen up. With tears of gratitude to all and a pleasant holiday season to all.

[Doolhof]

Hi Cath,

Hopefully you will be able to gain strength and insight from the other amazing women who have shared their stories here.

Maybe you could run away...kind of. At times when I am feeling totally overwhelmed with life and hassles I retreat. It might even be for an hour or so reading a book and getting lost in the story I am reading.

Some days I take myself on a mini holiday. I will take myself to the beach, to a park, out to lunch, to the movies or what ever takes my fancy. I make the time to treat myself. It does me good.

Maybe you could thing of some little treat for yourself.

Regarding the days in court, do you have someone who can go there with you? Do you have people who yo can chat with after to off load?

Tears can be very healing.

Thinking of you from Mrs. Dools

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Donna,

Please don't feel bad about not posting, I find life does get in the way and sometimes we don't have either the energy or motivation to post, sometimes I find it to upsetting to come here and read posts and then reply.

I so get that pain thing, I have arthritis also and that is something that isn't seen either, how do you explain the pain you feel with depression, unless you have been through it I don't think you can 'get it'. I can also relate to being in limbo, I look at people as they go through their everyday life and I feel stuck, stuck in the pain of my son and not being able to move on, he is suppose to be up for parole next year and that terrifies me no end.

We want to believe them as we love them, my son told so many lies and I believed him but had niggling doubts that I didn't listen to, "he couldn't lie to me he's my son" yeah well.

I don't tell people as I feel they will judge me and think less of me or that is was all my fault 'after all he is my son' I didn't make him do what he did but I shouldn't have to justify myself either.

My mum doesn't get my depression, she will frequently ask me if I am feeling better today, as if I can change things overnight.

Chin up Donna and I do feel where you are at.

big hugs

Anne

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Cath,

Welcome to our little family.

Yes it is hard, my son has used drugs since his teens, light stuff at first but ended up on the hard drugs. He has been in denial for so long I wonder if he will ever get it and do something positive.

He has had so many chances with the law but he never seems to understand what he is doing to himself, he blames everyone but himself.

Oh boy do I know that roller coaster, feel I am still on it.

I have felt as you have, I have contemplated moving(running away) but couldn't survive without my family and friends.

I try to get on with my life, but thoughts of my son are never far away, and with those thoughts come the roller coaster of feelings.

Rant and rave all you like Cath, I have done so many times and it does help.

Cheers

Anne

[cath57]

Hello Anne, Thankyou for your response, so very honest and open.I know we are very fortunate to have our children alive, I have been involved with family drug groups for sometime and met so many others who have lost their children to drugs, at times I feel rather selfish when thoughts become some what too overbearing. Recently I had a parent say even when their child was alive they feared the death, the phone call. They describe there feelings as a never ending nightmare, as there nightmare was always a thought away. I hope to be able to continue my active involvement in supporting others who are living this insanity, I was only thinking what I would give, for a moment of peace.

[A_Tech]

Hi Mrs Dools, (and all the ladies!)

I'm sorry for the really late reply as usual!!!

It's been quite the emotional and turmoil few months to say the least. Yes we had an AMAZING time in New York of course, but thats probably been the only genuinely happy moments in the last almost year.

I was actually diagnosed with PTSD about 2 1/2 years ago and at that time we thought it was work related as I used to work in the operating theatres of a trauma hospital for 10 years. That was definitely an element of course because I was showing symptoms at least a year or 2 before my brothers arrest.

The hell that became my life after that day though has now been established as the main event and since re diagnosed with C-PTSD. So just a multitude of issues that suddenly explode at one point.

We all thought it was work, that was just the final trigger so to speak. After he was arrested, I stayed in my workplace for just over a year and a half. I was bullied by fellow colleagues, by my boss (I'm 5 foot 2 ish and he's over 6 foot). I was harassed, ignored, gossiped about and had viscous lies spread about me. All because my manager couldn't keep private business to himself. I was guilty by association, but no one would've known if they weren't told because I'm married so I have different surname. My older brother on the other hand had to move house because his family were being threatened! His daughter was 6 at the time!!!! They were even being followed at some points!

Of course I eventually left. It's coming up for 4 years that he's been in prison, last year on the anniversary I tried to take my life.

This is the one thing I still can't seem to move on from. I've had to stop seeing him at the moment and this is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. I saw him last April (2 days before I ended up in hospital) and boxing day just gone. Just 4 days earlier to his crime is the anniversary of our little sisters death. Is a bitch of a week to say the least!!!

I thought things were getting better, so I even decided to finally fulfil my dream of going to uni and getting a nursing degree. All was great, accepted, orientation was amazing but then, I just fell into a heap again.

So I've deferred just for this semester, I've organised with my psychologist to do some intensive treatments over the next few months. I just need to move on. It's been 4 years now.

MY family deserves me back too. I love him and I hate him xxxx

[Doolhof]

Hi A Tech,

I really don't know what to write here, I have not been in your situation. I feel so sorry for you and your family.

Lately I have been reading about mourning for people. There is a new theory out called The four tasks of Mourning.

I do realise that your brother is still alive. Some of the principles in the four tasks might help you to find ways to move on with our life.

I may be barking up the wrong tree here, if so then just ignore the suggestion.

Hopefully you will find ways to move forward and find some sense of peace in your situation, even if it starts of small.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

[monkey_magic]

Hi A Tech,

I know what it's like living with a dark cloud, being bullied & feeling like the world is against you.

Im really sorry that what you've been through in your life resulted in you not wanting to be here. Especially you because while reading your posts ( your profile pic is eye catching) you strike as a good, helpful & selfless person.

You' ve been on such a courageous mission in your life & you have helped so many while exposing yourself to so much. Don't over do it.

I hope you have peace in your heart and find the freedom that you truelly deserve.

I care & sorry it all got so out of hand. Each one of those gossiping monkeys should be ashamed. How was any of this your fault. It wasn't. They all need more compassion and understanding in their hearts for you. I mean what a big thing you've had to swallow. Ummm they should be supporting you as it really is all separate?? Anyway just know that I at least get it, pretty simple really. A lot of people lack in their lives and need something to talk about. Things also blow over or become less of a big deal.

What a storm you've been in but hey you are still here and I am glad for you.

I want to thank you for sharing all the knowledge you have. I've been reading a lot of your posts and have loved getting to know what goes on in your world ( the hospital life).

Love, you are not at a dead end...life is a journey and I'm sure so many people will agree you have more to live for. I can in my mind see all those people you have been around thanking you for your help. Please know you've been doing a great service. We all fall....you have great support....

Count your blessings girl..and keep going on holidays if that's what makes you happy.

Hoping you get through all this x

[A_Tech]

Thank you for your beautiful words.

I find it comforting and devistating at the same time that a 'stranger' can say the things I need to hear but not those that were supposed to be friends & worse, family.

This morning I drove my son to the airport & had to drive right past my so called best friends house. Today is hard. So to hear your lovely words, words that she should have said said to me, it's heart breaking really.

I thought I was over was happened with her, but this this morning I realised I wasn't!!

I don't think I ever will be.

Thank you for amazing words of comfort to someone you don't know. You will never know the true impact that you have had on me today!

Xxx