Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Hopefullseeking]

I mucked up my post again, silly me.

Just forget that my name is in the middle of the post, you know what I mean.

Lots of love

A

[July]

Hi Anne,

Yes I to, still feel some shame and embarrassment at what my son has done....of course that is normal what mother wants to see her son in prison, I assume no one.

I try to look forward but gently remind my son of the positives and to learn from his mistake and not do it again....hopefully, but like you said I will always live on the edge with him, wondering how he is going and what he is doing, prison didn't just change him but also my perception of him and his behaviour and consequences.

Apart from my divorce, my son had a good upbringing, I was a stay at home mother, good home maker, he went to good schools, did sports everything a normal kid does so where did it go wrong....I truly believe his fathers absence in his life sent him into a tail spin of self doubt and abandonment , I'm not just blaming him we all make mistakes, but my son has told me of the sadness and anger of not having his dad around, it really affects boys not having their dad, and that makes me so sad.

But you don't divorce your children, when you get divorced, you have to move on and make the best of it, but clearly he has paid the price for that, in the worst way.

Write your letter and put it in that mail box and then let it go, you will feel better and just get on with life.

We are in the same rocky boat and here we can be ourselves.....thank god ...free for a brief moment.

Take care

July

[Doolhof]

Hi July and Anne,

Like you mentioned July, here on this site, we have the ability to be who ever we want to be. We can share our thoughts and feelings and know we will not be judged or ridiculed.

Regarding parenting, as you know I am not a parent. My parents tried their best with us, I still grew up to be a very angry, disgruntled, disruptive and rude teenager.

I've seen other parents try their hardest with their children only for them to go off the rails. Why does this happen? Who knows. If I had the answer for that I would be one of the world's richest psychs! Ha. Ha.

Regrets lead to sadness and bitterness. I try to let mine go.

I admire the love you ladies have for your sons.

Hugs to you, from Mrs. Dools

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning,

Well I did it, took me long enough, finally wrote Peter a letter, it is three pages long so he will enjoy it, I hope. I kept it light hearted and filled him in on all the news with my family and about my car, scooter etc.

July I was in the same boat as you. My ex-husband left when the boys were 7 and 10 and I think that had a huge effect on both of them but P the most. Plus my ex was also abusive which again had a huge impact. I did my best and often went without to feed and provide for me boys, they wouldn't have seen that side of it. P does blame his father and me for his troubles, I did the best I could under difficult circumstances so try really hard not to blame myself or feel guilty.

I keep telling my self I had two sons and only one took the drug path, the other didn't, yes he has his issues but he is doing well.

Not having a father around affected P more than my other son, he tried to attach himself to my brothers and male teachers so I could see the difference. My older son commented once that he never had a man around to show him how to shave. That devastated me so what other things did my sons miss out on by not having there father around, makes me wonder.

Yes today I will post the letter and then try and let it go but i know in the back of my mind will be that niggling thought, Will he write back and does my letter make a difference to him.

Have a great day ladies.

Lots of love

Anne

[July]

Morning girls,

I'm proud of you for writing that letter, its hard to put your heart and soul on paper, and your son will really enjoy hearing from you, any news from the outside world is uplifting and you will know in your heart you have done the right thing regardless of his response.

So true, we try our best as parents but we never know how life is going to turn out, despite giving our all and making the best decisions at the time, I think its hard when you have tried so carefully to provide a good life then watch it all fall apart, albeit not a complete lost cause, but as a parent you blame yourself if your child doesn't succeed in life.

Maybe when and if, our troubled sons have children they will realise the full impact of their actions and the hurt and pain it has caused...I don't know, I try to get on with normal life but if anything reminds me of his incarceration it all comes flooding back, the emotions the pain the tears....the untold sadness of his experience.

Mrs Dools, you are so right about letting go of the regrets and bitterness, I am finding that very hard maybe with time it will lessen...I hope so.

I am grateful I can come here and express my feelings, its been a god send.

Take care

July

[Doolhof]

Hi Ladies,

Anne, congratulations on writing the letter for P. It must be hard not knowing his reaction and not knowing if he will reply. Hopefully it will bring peace to your heart to know that you have written it anyway.

You also mentioned about shaving! As a teenager I had legs that were hairier than my Dad's legs! My Mum would not let me shave them even when I was 16. I was the girl with the longest socks and the longest netball skirt you have ever seen!

I used to swim in my jeans in the summer as I was so embarrassed. Eventually I bought some razors. My goodness. The mess I made of my legs the first couple of times. I shaved the skin right off my legs in strips. I feel quite ill now just thinking about it! Ha. Ha.

My older sister didn't have hairy legs at all, I think she glued all her hair onto my legs! Neither did my Mum so she had no idea what I was feeling.

I suppose Mum had her reasons for the non shaving rules.

July, I need to practise what I preach, especially regarding bitterness and regrets. I have been a bit low in spirit this week and old hurts have come to haunt me! I need to dig deep and find some of that forgiveness and letting go of stuff magic! Ha. Ha.

Ladies, yes it is wonderful we have this site to connect, share and express concern for each other.

Wishing you both a good weekend. I am going out gardening with the chooks shortly.

Cheerio from Mrs. D

[Hopefullseeking]

Good Morning,

How are you both?

Feel like the shoe is on the other foot atm.

Mum (85) has had a fall and broke her leg very badly, pinned, rod and screws. She had a stroke a few years ago and in the last year and a half had both her hips replaced with mixed results. She is now not stable on her feet hence the fall. She has been in hospital for a week and a half and hasn't started rehab yet.

She has her head in the sand re her recovery, she thinks she is going home in a few weeks, I can't see it. My youngest brother is here for two days and he has the same thoughts as me with her recovery.

Peter is very fond of her and visa-versa, what do I do, do I tell him and give him a whole lot of worry or do I spare him and not tell him.

I am really struggling with my responsibilites as her daughter, I can't care for her, physically and mentally I am not strong enough. She refuses to go into a home. She is stubborn and very strong willed.

I know this is probably the wrong spot to post this but I do trust you ladies and am interested in what you have to say.

I feel constantly on the verge of tears and I can't let her see that.

Feel lost and overwhelmed.

[Doolhof]

Dear Anne,

Here is a good place to share what you are going through right now. I have a little knowledge of the aged care system.

Firstly if I was you, I would tell Peter what is going on. He may be upset if he has not been told. This may be an opportunity for you to build a different relationship with Peter. I would keep him up to date with all that is happening.

Ask the Drs. and the medical staff what they think the outcome is for your Mum. Ask them to put you in touch with local agencies/aged care assistance programs.

Last year the Government changed how care works for the elderly and everyone now has to go through a place called "MY AGED CARE". Contact them and ask for help.

It may be very overwhelming right now, but the more research you do, the more easily you will get a hold on how the aged care system works.

Ask the medical staff about rehabilitation options. It will depend on if your Mum has private cover or not unfortunately as to where she can go.

My job is to help the elderly in their homes. There are many agencies out there who can help. As I mentioned "My Aged Care" may be your best place to start.

Ask the Drs as well if they can help you to arrange an ACAT (I think that is the abbreviation) to determine the level of care your Mum will require. A person will assess your Mum's level of needs and this assessment will also help with the care your Mum requires.

Do you see a counsellor yourself at present Anne? Can you arrange to see one to help you through all of this? Do you have friends with parents who have been in a similar situation? Have a chat with them.

It is understandable that you are not in a position to look after your Mum personally. The best thing you can do is to look into what care your Mum could receive if she was able to return home and talk with your brother about other options if it comes to your Mum needing to go into care.

Hopefully some of this helps Anne. Look after yourself in all of this. Let the tears out and accept all the help that people are able to give you right now.

Let Peter know what is happening, even if you don't know what the outcome will be for your Mum right now. Keep him informed.

Wishing you all the best in this, from Mrs. Dools

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Mrs Dools,

Thank you for replying.

Mum inherited a Veteran Affairs gold card from my step father so that should really help her. She has gone through Anglicare and gets someone to take her shopping and appointments, she also gets a cleaner.

My brother from London is due over next week foe a 2 week holiday, some holiday, he is a lawyer so carries that aire of authority. I am hoping he will talk to the medical staff and find out what her options are for a recovery, etc.

l think or hope she will be reassessed for home help, but l don't like her chances of being able to manage but it is early days.

I do see a counsellor in fact see a psychologist and psychiatrist and l have an appointment with the psychologist in a about 10 days.

What is complicating things now is l don't have a car anymore and it takes me 3 hours to get to mums unit by public transport. Let alone getting to to hospital. At the moment l can go with my brothers.

When l get home tomorrow l will write to Peter and tell him what is going on.

Thank you for your advice and support. Greatly appreciated.

[Doolhof]

Dear Anne,

Hi, you are welcome to the little knowledge I am able to supply. Hopefully having the Veteran's card will help your Mum further. Sounds like your brother from London will be able to get answers and solutions.

Thankfully you can get a lift with other family members. If you do have to use public transport, then take a good book with you!

Once again I am sure Peter will appreciate knowing what is happening. It may also help to explain it has taken you a couple of days to let him know because of the uncertainty of everything.

Some days you may be feeling over whelmed with all of this, so make sure you try to make time for yourself as well. Our brains can only cope with so much.

My release is weeding at the moment. Pulling up those weeds is so satisfying...as long as I don't concentrate on the other millions of weeds that also need pulling up!

I've started another jigsaw puzzle as well. When I don't want my mind to wander too much into the negative and "what ifs" I read or do Sudoku Puzzles. My brain can't concentrate on two things at once.

I'm wishing your Mum a speedy recovery! I hope all of her needs are sorted which ever way things go. Look after yourself in all of this.

Just had a thought, you might like to ask your Mum if she wants to dictate a letter to you for Peter. You could write down what your Mum says and post that off to him as well. Your Mum could sign it maybe after you have written it.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools