Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[July]

Hi Anne,

Sorry to hear about your mum, but remember at age 85, getting help for her is probably the right thing to do, I also worked for 12 years in a high age care nursing home...I loved my job there, although it can be challenging with varying degrees of illnesses, I really enjoyed my elderly residents, and making their quality of life that much better, there are good nursing homes out there, so don't feel guilty should she need that care.

There might come a point where she might have to go into care, the choice could be taken out of your hands but be assured she will be well taken care of, mentally and physically....and that of course is the priority, she will adjust, no-one wants to leave their home but there are many benefits of company, enjoying other residents, activities, ensuring she has the right medication and the safety of her having 24 hour care.

Do not feel guilty about your "responsibilities as a daughter", you also have your own life and issues, and your responsibilities are with your own children.... as hers were with you, a parent makes a decision to have a child not to burden them with being their carer.

I would not want my children to be worried about looking after me when I'm elderly, of course be involved in her life and make her comfortable but you were not born with a "job " either.

I do agree to tell peter, my eldest son (just out of prison) was very close to my father and it was very upsetting to him when my father died, so keep him informed, he is an adult and can handle it, keeping information can very hurtful .

You need to look after yourself......you owe that to your children, also your brothers have a shared responsibility to ensure your mother is cared for appropriately, it is not your worry alone because you are the only daughter.

So take care and make one decision at a time.

July

[Doolhof]

Hi July and Anne,

July, you have provided a very helpful reply here for Anne.

Another thing about aged care homes is that it is best to start looking for a bed now rather than later.

It doesn't hurt to check out what is available.

If it comes down to needing an emergency bed, your loved ones can be placed just about anywhere if places close to you are full.

Don't mean to add another burden Anne, but the more informed you are, the easier it will be for you and your brothers to make decisions and plans.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning Ladies,

I use to work in a Nursing Home too and I went out of my way to make their life more enjoyable, before anyone went out I did their hair with curlers and did their make up, a little thing but made a big difference to them.

Mum made me promise sometime back Not to put her in a Nursing Home.

I have been to see mum and spoken to her Dr and she isn't good. Her now good leg has been affected by her hip replacement and she has little feeling in it so can't really stand on it properly. Due to this she will not be weight baring for sometime. She also is so weak, not eating properly, and can't sit up out of bed for to long without going light headed. She keeps noding off when you visit her so a visit may only las 30 minutes.

She is still talking about when she goes home but unless she improves dramaticly I can't see that happening.

My brother is arriving this Friday from London so will discuss it with him but will wait till he sees mum, he will be in for a shock. He hasn't seen her for two years and she was only using a stick then.

I have been meaning to write to Peter so will do that soon.

My youngest brother was up last week for two days and there was just him and I seeing mum, he was a bit shocked too I think. I managed to keep it together but I am feeling very sad and not coping very well but I am managing to keep that to myself.

The brother I have difficulty with had already gone home so that was a blessing but he will be there when my brother visits.

Finding it a bit overwhelming.

[July]

Hi Anne ,

True, you promised your mother not to put her in a nursing home, but again you can only do what you can and sometimes difficult decisions need to be made, and at the end of the day, if you cannot provide her with that care it cannot compromise your own wellbeing and mental health, you have your own children to deal with and really they are your priority.

You know she will adjust to new surroundings, its just the change but at least she will be well cared for...and that's what you want and need. My grandmother also refused to go into care but in the end there was no choice and she was quite happy and lived to 93, so its not all bad, its the nursing home that you find that will be the deciding factor for her happiness, and you will still have great interaction with her care decisions, so its not like you are "abandoning " her ...quite the opposite you are ensuring her last years with security and safety.

It is a overwhelming time right now, but as I have known you through our shared experience, I have no doubt you will get through this to, give yourself more credit, you are strong.

Take care of yourself...first.

July

[Doolhof]

Hi July and Anne,

Years ago my Mum told me there was no way she was going to live with me if she needed care. Fair enough.

Circumstances in life do change. I am sure most of us only want what is right for the people we love and care for.

It is not always possible or practical to care for your parents or even other family members in your own home. We can't always keep our promises and that is okay too.

Take care of yourself in all of this Anne,

Thinking of you and your Mum, from Mrs. Dools

[Hopefullseeking]

Hello July and Mrs Dools,

I think mum would give up ifput in care.

My brother arrives Saturday so will wait until he has seen her then hopefully with my other brothers we can discuss it. I don't want to end up in tears in front of them either but having trouble with my emotions.

I still haven't written Peter about mum but will do that in a moment.

One of my vbig supports has been my volunteer work manager, she has been wonderful over the last couple of years, tomorrow is her last day. She has a short term contract and is supposed to be coming back in February.

I don't know how lam going to cope without her, l will but it will be difficult. No one else there knows about my son or my depression.

Had my birthday last Sunday and was expecting a card from my cousin but she forgot. My friend in NZ sent an ecard. My other son was working and if it wasn't for an other friend l would have spent it by myself.

Also have to spend time with my abuser brother next week.

Sorry so much is happening and lm not coping to well. Bit of a misery guts.

I see my psychologist next week hoping that will help.

Thanks for caring

A

[Hopefullseeking]

I have written to Peter, l know he is very fond of mum so hopefully he doesn't get to upset, nothing he can do.

I did suggest it might be nice if he wrote her a letter.

[July]

Hi anne,

I can relate to your anguish about others not knowing certain situations in our lives and not having others to confide in, so hard trying to balance all the issues and keeping your head above water.

Don't be worried if you do cry in front of your brothers, you are human and have a lot going on, I am still that way I get very teary at things, maybe I'm to sensitive, but I know my anxiety and depression are real and I need to allow myself to "feel" those emotions .

As far as your abuser brother goes....do not even acknowledge him or give him any of your power, do not let him think his behaviour is ok, say whatever basic conversation to him that you have to and walk away, those people run on the power to have control, so you take control.

Good on you for writing to peter...thats one thing out the way, once your mother is sorted one way or the other it will be a great relief to you and one less stress, so try to remember this will pass, but I do understand at the time it feels like you are swimming against the tide, you get weary and tired but that ocean will settle and calm waters will again prevail.

Happy birthday for last sunday...I don't count my birthdays these days, once past 50 I don't want to know lol.

Take care , tomorrow is another day .

July

[Doolhof]

Hi Anne and July,

Belated Birthday greetings to you Anne. I have been known to take myself out for my Birthday! I don't mind sitting at a restaurant table by myself and then going to the movies. It is lovely to have company too and to feel very special with people helping you to celebrate, but it doesn't always happen.

If your Mum does need to go into care, she may actually enjoy it or at least accept it after a while. One of my clients had to have respite care for 6 weeks. She was dreading it. I asked her why. She thought once she was in the building, she would not be able to get out again.

I explained that as long as she was well enough to go out, she could do so any time she liked, she just had to let the staff know. In the end she had a wonderful "holiday". I know respite isn't the same as permanent care.

Another older friend of mine moved into a wonderful facility that actually looked like a resort. She loved it.

Regarding your abusive brother, I agree with July, don't give him any power over you.

My nieces went to the same high school. My older niece was bullied badly so went to a different school. When my younger niece started there, the bullies decided to pick on her. My younger niece apparently stood in front of the bullies, told them she wasn't interested in anything they had to say, turned around and walked away from them. No more bullying as she wasn't responding to them in the way they felt control.

Like July mentioned, you have a lot on your plate right now. Just try and tackle one thing at a time. Easier said than done I know, but it does help!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Hopefullseeking]

Thank you ladies once again.

And thank you for your birthday wishes.

It is so good to have people understand how you are feeling, I am drowning and you get it, makes me feel better.

My abuser brother will get nothing from me, I try to keep my distance, he has no memory of the abuse I believe due to his bi-polar and car accident, my psychologist and psychiatrist believe different. I see his puzzled looks when I ignore him.

I am trying to keep up my activities and keep my head above water but my volunteer job is not going to be the same, I want to quit but keeping busy is one of my stratagies so I can't really. Plus one of my roles is important and I am the only one that does it, then have all my other jobs.

My psychologist says not to quit anything without having something to replace it and I don't.

I am going down to mums place tomorrow after lunch, I will be there the night on my own so going to make the most of it. I am going to buy myself some chinese food and take it back to mums unit and enjoy it.

Then the next moring my two brothers arrive. I have my youngest brother coming next week, my oldest brother lives in Scotland and can't come over at this time.

We will talk and see how things go. Mum is now going to the hospital gym twice a day which is fantastic, last week she couldn't get out of bed for anymore than 20 minutes before going dizzy so she is getting stronger. She said she isn't doing much there but anything is an improvement.

I want to get to the stage where i can cope with everyday stuff but everytime I feel I am climbing out of my deep hole something happens and I slip back, does that happen to you as well?

Bye for now

Anne