Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Doolhof]

Hi Anne,

I'm really sorry I have not replied to you before this! I had my sinus operation on the 22nd and spent a couple of extra days in hospital due to complications. I see the ENT guy again on the 9th so will see what happens then.

My head has been in a spin and I've been rather tired, so not spending a lot of time on the forum.

It really is hard when you love someone so much and you feel so confused as to why they are unable to show you the same amount of love and care.

It is wonderful your son does tell you now and then that he loves you. Maybe he finds it difficult to do so for some reason. Who knows! It is so difficult to know how other people tick. I sometimes have enough trouble working out how I tick let alone anyone else.

I'd suggest you keep on loving your son and find ways to cope with not getting as much love back as you hope for.

My older sister may talk to me once or twice a year, despite that lack of contact, I know that she loves me. She doesn't have the time to show it. She is too busy being wrapped up in her own life.

That doesn't meant to me that she doesn't care, she just has different ways of looking at our relationship and life. Some days when I phone her, she doesn't want to talk, so she doesn't come to the phone and I chat to her husband for a while.

Once again I am sorry for the delay in a response to your post. Hope you are doing okay. Pain, grief and regrets are hard things to get over. Hopefully some sunshine will come your way!

Cheerio for now from Mrs. Dools

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Mrs Dools,

Please don't appologise for not responding, we all have a life to live and sometimes it gets in the way. We also have enough in our own lives to deal with without feeling quilty about not posting or answering a post.

Sorry to hear about your sinus problems, I can fully relate as I am having problems with mine to at the moment.

My life is a bit topsy turvy at present as I no longer have a car as it is having mechanical problems and i have decided I am not spending anymore money on it so I am using public transport. It is now taking me so long to do everything but I am coping, however it means I don't have the extra time I use to spend on the internet.

I am going to write my son a letter soon and tell him about my car and also the fact that I have decided to save up and buy myself a 50cc scooter to get around locally. He will have a laugh at the thought of his mum in a bike helmet and leathers riding around on a scooter. It is as cheap form of transport and will get me around to the local shops and seeing friends etc.

I am trying to pull back and just be happy with what little contact I have with him but it is hard. When he gets out I want to sit back and let him make the first move, that will be extremely hard but I believe it is something I need to do.

I am really hoping that he moves out into the country when he gets out and can begin a new life that way. He needs to get away from all temptations and associates, but it is up to him.

Can only keep my fingers crossed.

Have a good day

Cheers

[Doolhof]

Hi Anne,

I love the idea of a scooter! For many years I wanted a motor bike. A couple of my male cousins had motorbikes, and I loved it when they took me for rides. They had a dirt bike as well that I used to ride around on in the bush.

Where we live, we are on a highway with hundreds of trucks, I don't think I would like to ride from one town to the other sharing a road with all the trucks. Our town is cut in half by the highway.

Hope you manage to sot out your sinus problem. A sinus infection can be quite debilitating. I see the ENT specialist next week for a check after the operation. I will be looking forward to being able to blow my nose again.

Regarding your son leaving prison, hopefully he will have the professional help and support that he will need. If he were to move tot he country, he may have other things to consider like employment, boredom, lack of public transport (depending on region) and also drug use!

Our region has apparently turned into quite a high "Ice" using place with increased homelessness and break ins. Even the country is not immune to such issues.

When you do met your son when he is released, it may be beneficial to meet him in a neutral place. Might be a bit easier and less emotional.

Does your son have a release date?

Your son will no doubt enjoy reading about your scooter! All the best with that, sounds like a wonderful solution for you.

Cheerio from Mrs. Dools

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning Mrs Dools,

I had a motorbike when I was 18-19 and loved it, now it is a cheap mode of transport for me. I have to check that I can manage it with my arthritis and if I can then I will definately get one.

I don't intend to ride it in peak hour traffic or on the highway, (don't think they are allowed anyway as they don't go fast enough).

Good luck with your specialist appointment hope all goes well.

I have been on a dairy free diet for about a week now, use almond milk, goats feta and goats yogurt in an effort to reduce my hayfever symptoms. Don't know if it is coincidental or not but they do seem to have lessened. Will keep on with it, the feta and yogurt taste much the same as normal but the almond milk is taking a bit of getting use to but thats ok.

I am having trouble putting pen to paper with writing to my son as I know he will not write back and everytime it happens I do feel saddened. It takes me weeks to sit down and write which only makes things worse but that is how it is. Just writing these few words is making my heart heavy. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes.

I will get aroung to it.

[Doolhof]

Hi Anne,

It is tough writing to people whom you love when you don't really expect an answer to come, or maybe to know an answer will be delayed.

I guess one way of looking at it is that the person, in this case your son, will appreciate the letter even if he doesn't respond.

I know it is not the same thing, but for many years I wrote to my husband's God Parents in England, very rarely receiving a reply.

His God Father died and then later on his God Mother died also. A lady sent me a letter to say how very much they looked forward to my letters each month. This lady would read the letters to them more than once.

We never know what kind of an impact our communication with people will have.

For me, it ended up writing to these people monthly, for years, hoping my letters might bring them some happiness receiving nothing in return. Or so I thought. I did discover they had valued my letters and my keeping in touch with them.

Maybe you could write two letters, one to your son, and one to yourself telling yourself how very special, loving and caring you are to still write to your son even though you may not receive a reply.

All the best with this, from Mrs. D

[July]

Hi Anne,

I hope you are going along well, how did you get on writing that letter to your son?, don't rush to do it, take your time and think about what you want to say and don't be stressed, please be assured it will really mean a lot to get that letter in prison, its their only life line to the outside world, and even just a few words will be so important, I can understand your pain about him not writing back, so you be the bigger person, and at the end of the day you have done your part as his mother.

My son kept every letter and card I sent him in prison, he said he read them over and over, and he really didn't write back as often, but I wanted him to know I was thinking about him.

He is doing well, still working full time and living in his apartment alone, he has passed all drug tests and parole conditions and will be off parole mid October, then he is truly free, but I think once you have spent time in prison it changes you.....sometimes for better ...sometimes for worse, its a gamble....but isn't life a gamble?

We still have talks about his future and his past, I want to make sure he follows the right path , but I also know he will make his own decisions come what may, he has been clean and sober for 2 and 1/2 years now but he does know he will always be an addict and has to think about his choices.

It seems I have my happy ending but although my heart is happy, my head is still in the clouds at times, I hope you get the happiness you deserve, and I applaud you for being a strong mother through this...having a child in prison is heartbreaking and it still so upsets me when I watch the news and I just think about another family having to go through this, through no fault of their own, for me its the worst thing I've been through.

Be strong you will make it.

Take care

July

[Doolhof]

Hi July and Anne,

It sounds like your son is working very hard in lots of different ways July. I hope he continues to make it okay in life and can keep away from bad choices. Not easy at the best of times!

Anne, I too hope you were able to write to your son and you will not be too upset if you don't hear from him.

I agree with you July, there is so much heart ache for family and friends when a person is convicted of a crime or if they are the victim of crime.

Maybe we need to bring back the peace and free loving of the 70's! Ha. Ha. (not that I was old enough to be aware of what was going on around me.)

Cheers ladies, from Mrs. D.

[July]

Hi Mrs Dools,

Thank you for your continued compassionate interest in our sons, its so nice to not feel judged and its hard with the stigma and shame around having a loved one incarcerated.

I still have never told anyone in my real life about my son, now I feel he's out of prison and trying to make a better life for himself and being a good tax paying citizen, he's paid his dues.

Life must move forward despite all.....and don't we all deserve a second chance.

None of us are perfect, but there are a few people in this world who are close....and I bet you are one of them.

Take care

July

[Doolhof]

Dear July,

Goodness me, I think you are the first person who has tried to put me on a pedestal. Me close to perfect, far from it. Ha. Ha. Thank you so much for the compliment though, I will treasure that.

In my life I have made many mistakes, caused people pain, been a very angry person, been quite horrible at times in fact and have done things I am certainly not proud of.

Through all of that, the injustices of life, mental health issues, grief and bitterness, I have been able to find love, care and compassion for others.

I try very hard not to judge people for the wrongs they may have done in life. If I was to have all of my mistakes and wrong doings written on a board in front of me, it would be a very big board!

In the Bible there is a story about a woman being pulled in front of a group of people about to stone her due to adultery. Jesus is close by and He says something like " If you have committed no sins in your life, throw the first stone". One by one, the people drop the stones they were about to throw.

That story has stuck in my mind.

Everyone deserves a second chance.

We do not know the potential a person has inside of them, or what may be haunting them to inspire the wrong things they do.

Thanks again for the compliment, you have made my day!

All the best to you, from Mrs. Dools

[Hopefullseeking]

Good Morning Mrs Dools and July,

So good to hear from you both, it keeps me going.

I haven't written the letter yet, I will go home this afternoon and sit down and write it, you both have spurred me on to write it.

Peter did say to me that he had kept all his letters, cards etc that he got when he was inside last time so I think he would probably do the same this time.

I am so happy for you July that your son seems to be over the hump of settling in after his stint inside. He is doing so well and when he is off parole he should be very proud of himself.

I can understand you not wanting to tell anyone of his incarceration, its not something that is easily talked about. I don't know about you but I feel a lot of shame and even though logically I am not at fault I do feel some failure as a mother. It is not something I ever thought of when my children where young, I don't suppose any mother does.

Talking to him about his past and future is a brilliant idea as it keeps it in his present thoughts, my son and I did that a couple of times but then he became accusing,if I tried to talk more so I dropped it. Unfortunately both my son and I could see that he was not doing the things he needed to do to stay straight so even though I would never verbalise it I could see him heading back to prison. I so hated being right.

I will do my best not to be upset if P doesn't write back but deep down it is hard not to be.

Thank you ladies for being here.

Anne

Even though you son is now on the straight and narrow I don't think you will ever trust him 100% again, I know I won't. He has hurt you badly and for me i will always question how he is living his life. I won't tell him that but I always will.