Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[A_Tech]

Hi July,

Oh, I remember all too well the hospital gossip network! My god, I've never seen anything like it in my life.

Each time I took any decent length of leave, the same thing would happen. EVERYONE would know about. ED is so much like theatres as well. It's pretty much segregated from the rest of the hospital, numbers vary of course on the size of the unit, but at least 50 of your collegues, then doctors, cleaners, etc. 

The first time I was off, I came back to late shifts and one of the PCA's told me the rumour was that I had had a breakdown, massive depression and tried to commit suicide. All not true of course! Amazing though.

As for friends, yes! Our two so called best friends were the first to walk away. 2 months before I was supposed to be their maid of honour at their wedding and my husband I had be asked to be godparents to their baby girl that was due a few months later. That didn't happen either. Having a son myself, I was so excited and looking forward to having this precious baby girl in our lives! 

But I guess that's their loss, or so I have to tell myself. She just turned two a couple of weeks ago 😔. 

So how did your first shift back go? Big event.

I used to get the questions from the cleaners, orderlies etc, but only strange looks and definite avoidance from collegues. I would really like to hear how it went for you. Hopefully the fact no one knows anything will help you, but there will still be questions, it's inevitable, gossip central!!!!

I really hope it went ok and that your ok after it! I knew first shift back I wasn't going to be able to do it, but didn't want to let everyone down. Don't do that whatever you do.

Im always here, and completely understand that environment. 

Thinking of you,

Donna xx

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July,

Our sons have similar stories.  My son lost his licence to but kept driving.  He rote off his car that he had had 2 days, drug related.  My brother brought me a car for $15,000 and was only 2 years old.  I drove it for 2 years and my son rote that one off two, I was heart broken as he didn't tell me I got a phone call from the police wanting to talk to P about a car accident, I put two and two together and then it was confirmed by the police officer.  He got another car and then smashed that one, I wouldn't let him drive my new car so he kept driving the smashed unroadworthy car.  He lost his licence but kept driving, in his mind he needed to drive to get drugs.  The cops knew him by now so each time they saw the car they pulled him over and fined him.  He owes thousands in fines.  By the time he got out of prison he got his licence back.

I see my depression like a cloak it is always on my shoulder and sometimes it smothers me and other times I know it is there but I can manage it.  The first 6 months I was seeing this psychologist I could feel a continued improvement, I was seeing my psychiatrist one week and seeing the psychologist the other week so seeing both fortnightly.  My shrink noticed the difference and so did my friends.  It all fell apart when I found out about P charges and I can't seem to get back that feeling of wellness.

I only have 8 more sessions with the psychologist and I feel like I am running out of time.  She has given me some great coping strategies but don't know if it is enough.  My psychiatrist is wonderful but they don' t practice the same.

My health has deteriorated in the last 6 months or so and that isn't helping either.  Hopefully when P sentencing is over things will improve.

At the moment I just need to get through his birthday.

I'm glad your granddaughters go and see your son, that will give him an added incentive too.

Better go I am running out of characters to use.

Big hugs

Anne

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Donna

I have osteoarthritis throughout my body and at the moment it is giving me the jibits.  I have trouble with my feet, knees, hips when walking so really have to take each day as it comes.  Keeping busy has been one of my coping strategies but it is getting harder and harder to do that.  I don't want to give up my busy schedule as it keeps my mind occupied and I don't think as much.

Both my sons did cooking right throughout their high school years. Now my oldest is a kitchen hand but it was P that made amazing cakes at school.  He did one in the shape and colours of a coke bottle once it was fantastic. He was doing all the cakes, slices and puddings while inside last time and loved it.

My son has always had a chip on his shoulder, treated the world like it owed him something. His father was abusive and I think that was a large part of it the drug taking.

I hope you are progressing well both physically and mentally from your car accident.  Sounds like you are getting back to normal again, that's good.

The four weeks to your brothers trial will go fast and it will be over before you know it. I have about 8 weeks until P sentencing and I am nervous too.  I haven't seen him in 2 1/2 years, not my choosing.

Sorry to hear about your aunt, not good news.  I hope you are spending some time with her, it might help take your mind of the trial for a while.  Sorry didn't mean to tell you what to do.

How devastating for the news about your brother to get out in your workplace, your manager should have been reprimanded. A slap on the wrist wasn't enough.

Enjoy your visit with Peter.

I am taking each day as it comes both physically and mentally, can't do much more.

Anne

[Technogurl]

Hi July and Anne

I'm new here, and I've been reading your posts. What amazing and strong women you are! Your son's are so lucky to have a mother that cares so much about them and supports them, no matter what.

As a mother of a 21 year old boy, I can relate in some part to your stories, as it would appear my son is heading down the same track your sons have already been. No matter what i do, nothing seems to sink in or help the situation.  I have however made sure he knows that no matter what, I'll always love him and will be here to support him, and I think he has really come to appreciate it, especially when he recently had his own brush with the law.

I know for a long time, I felt so guilty, like I failed as a mother because of the bad choices my son was making, but I have come to understand that I did a good job raising him, mostly on my own, and that his choices now are not a reflection of the kind of mother I am. It has been incredibly difficult to adopt a hands off policy and let him go into the world to find his own way, albeit with difficulty and so many set backs.

I see it as great learning for him, making him a stronger person who understands that his choices have consequences, not only for himself, but for others as well, but he also knows that I am there for him too if he needs me.

I just wanted to remind you that as mothers, you both did a terrific job by just being their to support your sons, and by continuing to soldier on every day.

I take my hat off to you two strong and courageous ladies, and feel it was an honour to read your heartfelt posts. Thank you so much for sharing.

Technogurl

[Technogurl]

Hi Donna and Lauren

Thank you as well for sharing your stories. You two are also amazing women. The fact that you are still soldiering on, working on getting on top of things is a real testimony to your courage.

Wishing you all much strength!

Technogurl

[July]

Hi Technogurl,

Thankyou so much for your encouraging words, I do imagine people reading  my story and hoping they learn something or maybe see things a little differently, life sometimes does not turn out like you planned , through no fault of your own, and we are not bad mothers we have done the best we can, but our children are individual people with minds of their own.

I truly hope your son does not end up in prison where my son currently is, I don't wish that on any family ,you are doing the right thing by being supportive of him and letting him make his own choices because he will do it anyway but its hard to watch them make wrong decisions, as mothers we want to protect them at all costs.

My son had to hit rock bottom, I have now learnt and he is now making his way back up , I would never give up on him, despite I think at times he gave up on himself, he starting taking drugs I think about age 17 or so, which clearly stunted his ability to make informed decisions about his life choices, but I couldn't have stopped him......no one could.

I never knew how strong I was until all this, don't get me wrong , I have had many, many bad times during his incarceration but he is my child and I think most mothers would do as I am doing when push comes to shove.

I am so glad you have reached out to us please feel free to write or comment on my posts and to let us know how you and your boy are going .

I have found posting here so beneficial and the support from complete strangers so heartwarming and touching.

Take care

July 

[July]

Hi Donna,

I haven't gone back to work yet , should be in about 4 weeks I haven't got my roster yet, so true the hospital is rife in gossip as you know, people would be so shocked if I mentioned any stories on here, I'm sure you have an idea of what I mean.

Yes our emergency department is like being in your own little world as we are separate like you said ,and we all kind of know each other , some really nice people .....some not so nice like anywhere I guess.

You do have to have a sense of humour working in there as we see some horrific things and you need to balance it all out ,or you would go crazy.

It really is life and death  situations and I have seen some amazing people do amazing things and it makes me proud to be part of it, from comforting a family who has some one in a full resus or caring for a deceased baby, my first one this year, he was a cot death, so beautiful ,so precious I had to care for him for  4 hours after death while the police did their investigations, I then washed and dressed him and carried him to the morgue in my arms, I'll never forget it, his little head lay pressed against the warmth of my body, I didn't want to leave him there alone but I had to, I was privileged to be a small part of his short life.

Times like that bring you back down to earth and make you realise whats really important in life.....love, compassion and our precious children.

Take care

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Technogurl

Thanks for your kind words.  I don't see myself as amazing as he is my son and I love him, simple as that. 

Yes he has brought me to hell and back, a couple of times in fact but that does not lessen my love, it has undone the trust I had in him and I question everything now but I still love him.

I'm glad you understand that nothing you did has caused your son to make the life choices he is making, good or bad.  They make those choices. We are their guide and  if they choose not to follow our guidance then their life is in their hands.  It took me a long time to come to this and to let go of the guilt.

I have made mistakes in bringing up my sons as I did it mostly on my own and didn't have a manual on how to bring up children, none does.  We all make mistakes but we did the best job we could under what ever circumstances we were given.

I hope my story, as I can't speak for anyone else, helps those in similar situations that are reading this and don't feel for what ever reason they can add input.

Thank you once again for your kind words, they are very much appreciated.

Hugs

Anne

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Ladies,

Well this morning, with a painful heavy heart, I sent Peter a birthday card, he turns 35 this weekend. I have allowed enough time for the card to get to the prison, it to be opened and read and then passed on to him and still reach him before his birthday.

I sent a card with a pug dog smiling a sloppy smile, said I hoped he got a smile out of the card.  I told him I loved him and always would, that a mother can't turn their love on and off like a tap.  I also said that no matter what happened between him and I, I would always love him.  Then said I hoped he could celebrate his birthday in some small way. 

My other son rang me yesterday and said he wanted to go and visit his brother, I was shocked.  Last time P was inside he said he disowned his brother and wanted nothing to do with him, this time he wants to visit. I was at my volunteer job and explained to the manager what had happened, she knows all about Peter, I got very emotional and teary.  I now feel guilty that if M does got visit his brother I should go to.  Can you imagine how excited P would be if both of us were siting their waiting to visit when he came into the visitors section.

I don't feel I can do this.  I said to him if he ever went back to jail I would not go and visit him.  My psychiatrist doesn't want me to do it, it takes to much out of me.  I suffer from agoraphobia and that includes being lock in.  What is a prison all about locked doors. It made my blood run cold every time I went through a prison door and heard it slam shut behind me, took so much effort not to turn around and run, not that I could off.  Took great control to get through a visit without breaking down.  Once I got out of the prison I feel to pieces.

Why does life have to be so difficult.

Hope you are all doing ok.

Big hugs

Anne

[July]

Hi Anne,

Well done sending that card to Peter, I know how heartbreaking it is, the constant reminder that your child is in prison, but your expression of love to him is worth more than gold and I know he will feel it in his heart to, just to know his mum is there.

If your other son wants to visit his brother thats great, maybe he can go with someone else, don't feel guilty about not going.... at all, I know how hard it is going in there, and I to jump every time they slam that prison door behind me, its a scary place unless you  have been in there, people have no idea.

We have to let our emotions out, and I get teary talking about my son to, its natural we are grieving the "loss" of our child to some degree, its painful  and heart wrenching and I was at my counsellor's this morning and as soon as I starting talking about my son I burst into tears , it's like the pain is just bubbling away underneath and it just overflows . I feel like I'm in a perpetual state of stress and I hate it , not having control is so frustrating.

I feel for you ,the dilemma's are never ending, trying to make decisions, hoping you are making the right one, the what if's, the list goes on

But above all you need to take care of yourself , we owe it to our boys to be strong and get through this no matter which way it turns out, all we have is time so use it the best way you can.

You know the old saying "God only gives you what he thinks you can handle",well we are truly being tested now and I'm sure we will pass, one day we will come through this and it will be a distant albeit painful memory.

Take care ,you are in my thoughts.

July