Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Gentle reassurances, it’s okay, you’re not talking “too much.” You’re welcome to share anything here, my friend. Daily life, interests & passions, troubles, reflections, etc. Free rein.

I enjoyed reading your latest post. I’m very happy that the weekend has been kinder to you after a very rough Friday.

It must be hard living so far from your friends, & how they have their family commitments. I personally would find that difficult...

But then again, I’m a pack animal at heart. If I wasn’t human, I would be a wolf, because they run in packs 😉

I think it’s fantastic that you dance your heart out in the kitchen. The Mardi Gras is happening right now till the 1 March. So if you feel like hosting a party to celebrate it, now is a good time 🙂

I’m glad you’re enjoying re-reading Inglorious. It clearly speaks to you...Looking at the sample list, I didn’t know whether I wanted to laugh or cry. I suppose that’s the point...

I’m excited to pick up my copy soon. Please free to share any other insights & comments about the book.

Your garden sounds spectacular, & I love the care, thought & pride you take in it. Your edible garden sounds delicious, especially the silverbeet, garlic, & pumpkins. It must be so satisfying to cook something that you grew from scratch.

Yes, I absolutely agree that dancing is both a good way to process emotions & just have fun. Even more than that, I enjoyed their company. Pack animal, I am 😉

The art thing with my friend was good. It was special to share the experience with him. He knew that it has been a rough time for me, & decided to give me the gift of his time. For his presence, support, & company, I’m grateful.

It has been a rough day today. A sad day, but what do you do? Come what may.

Sometimes I question what I’m doing with my life, & I often wonder if money was no object, what would I be doing? What would we all be doing differently?

I imagine vastly different lives...like it or not, I think money does matter in our society. We need to be able to make a living. Knowing that I have bills to pay prevents a collapse & helps maintain the “functioning” side of me.

I hope you continue to take things day by day. Moment by moment. I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Do you have any plans, gardening or otherwise, for the upcoming week, my friend?

With love & warm gratitude for your Sunday well wishes xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello gorgeous friend ❤

I can imagine that the sadness comes up with varying degrees of strength at different times. It has not been very long since your loss, i imagine it still feels quite strange and raw. There's a paragraph in Inglorious quite early, about the loss of her mother " she had been feeling dislocated ... she understood it was natural process, inevitable and unquestionable, but it knocked her off course ... she missed her mother ... she felt the lack of her like a deep soundless blackness. ... She felt as if a seismic shuft had occurred; the ground had fallem away, revealing depths below, shapes clad in shadow".

Not to say this is how you're feeling, just that it resonated for me in terms of those big gaping feelings of sadness that can arise when someone we love has gone.

I am so glad you had your friend to give you the gift of his presence and timae and attention and care when you went to the art thing with him. That is so lovely.

I've been thinking about you being a pack animal - i thunk i am in some ways, but ican be a total hermit as well, i thunk it depends on my state of mind at the mind. Which is probably all caught up in a cyclical cause and effect thing, no doubt!

I do miss being close by to friends, i like hearing of your jaunts and it does make me a little bit nostalgic.

I often think about how life would be without the pressures of money. Of course we all need it, and yes, the bills can be a way to keep us on track sometimes - i know that's true for me. I have had times of just wanting to lose myself and then bam, back to reality when you go to the letterbox or your inbox. Like Rosa Lane's to-do lists. (Inglorious).

Hiw is the Printed Letter Bookshop going?

I liked the quotes you left on the wirds thread ❤ thank you xo

Oh, forgot to say that the ravioli in the wonton wrappers = absolute hit! I fried a few in a little olive oil and it was so darn yum, such a great snacky-snack! They are going to become a firm fave. Have you tried the plant-based "roast-duck" you can get from the suoermarket? It is so yummy. I am going to try make some kind of dumplings with that inside the wonton wrappers.

How are you feeling midweek or so my friend?

❤
🌻b xo

[Birdy77]

So, i just read the post i sent you and was Thrilled To Bits with the ninerous errors!! 👍

I did a whole lot of eye-rolling, and then i said to the the boys, (out loud, mind you), :

"Guys!! Can you please get me to spell my checking before i post next time?"

Spell my checking??!!

🤯 what is haaapppening???!!

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Thank you so much for your comfort, support & encouragement, my friend. I’m very fortunate to have you here 🙂

Yes, I agree that the loss of a loved one can indeed leave a gaping hole. It’s a strange feeling in our hearts...

Thank you so much for you care, empathy & support, my friend. The feelings do come & go...

Sometimes it’s sadness & sometimes it’s not...I like how you quoted Kaveena describing it as a “seismic shift” in Inglorious. I could relate to the “shift.” Thank you so much for sharing, lovely friend 🙂

I’m very grateful for my friends, including you. A real blessing in life.

So you’re part hermit & part wolf? I think maybe you enjoy aspects of both worlds, but perhaps it’s also cyclical as you suggested...I’m definitely not a hermit, as I’m a bit too extroverted to ever be one (laughs).

I suppose your inbox is a bit of a harsh reality check, as it is for most of us. Paperwork & finances aren’t fun or inspiring for most people. A necessary evil though...

I have been in a somewhat reflective state. Loss can make you reflect sometimes. Ponder.

Even though the emotions haven’t been particularly pleasant, in some ways, I do feel peaceful. Accepting.

The Printed Letter Bookshop has been disappointing. It’s passable, but I don’t understand the hype. It’s enjoyable enough to read, but utterly forgettable in my opinion. I feel the characters are underdeveloped & stereotypical, & the writing is so-so. It’s saving grace is the storyline, but only just...

I started reading Inglorious, & I know what my overall opinion is yet. But I think it’s really interesting so far, & Kaveena is good at expressing inner turmoil...

Your wontons sound absolutely delicious. Another cooking success story. Love it!

Yes, I have tried plant based roast duck (& plant based nuggets, chicken & fish). I quite like it, as I enjoy the slightly chewy texture. I’m excited for your dumplings. Please let me know how that goes...

Your spelling is perfectly fine. Don’t even worry about it. I think it’s the overall heart of your posts that matters...nevertheless, I’m sure your boys were very supportive & responsive when you asked them to assist you in future 😉

How have you been feeling/doing this week?

Will you be venturing much into your garden oasis?

Thank you for being my friend & for making time for me 🙂

Love, warmth & care xoxox

[Birdy77]

but .. but ... but ... : "spell my checking" ?!?!

Dear lovely friend ❤

You do sound pensive. It sounds to me like you are really allowing whatever you need at any moment: seeing friends, reading for leisure, going to work, allowing time for sadness, going dancing, having time for reflection. The feelings aren't always pleasant, but you're honouring them & seem to be taking good care of you in the process.

I was listening to this very interesting talk with the director of the Center for Mind-Body Medicine Dr James S. Gordon, he was talking about techniques that they have proven to heal trauma, they run programs for all sorts of different people, & are doing amazing work in war ravaged regions with incredible results, i think you'd find it interesting cmbm.org is their website. But the reason i mention it here is that he was talking about some meditation techniques they use with people who have experienced trauma, one of which is shaking & dancing, an expressive meditation, & that after a few minutes of this, the vast majority of people start to express emotion, often in the form of tears, showing how powerful movement & physical expression can be in the physiological holding of emotional pain. Relevant to what we were talking about, dance shifting pain sometimes. His talk was very interesting.

I still might give The Printed Letter Bookshop a go if i ever come across it, but i know exactly that feeling of disappointment, especially with the super-hyped books, you're left feeling bewildered at what all the fuss was about.

I agree Kavenna skilfully shows us what it's like in Rosa's mind and the turmoil and desolation she is feeling as she starts to spiral down. I find it very original.

Yes today i am hoping to get back into my veg patch and continue my makeover. I need to get it ready for garlics, as they like to go in before the end of March, so just need to reorganise some sections - it's refreshing, i have changed the look of it a lot. I want to put one more lemon tree in at the top of the veg patch. Did i tell you i have my first avocado on one tree?! Also, my first 4 figs are forming, that littele tree is growing from a branch that my neighbour pruned off his tree and i popped it in the ground. 2 years later, there are fruits forming. Isn't nature amazing?!?!

Have you made any plant based sushi yet? I have never made sushi, would love some tips if you have any!?

Do you have any plans for the next few days or over the weekend?

Ok, now i am going to Spell My Checking:

m-y c-h-e-c-k-i-n-g

Perfect ✔

❤

🌻b xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Spell my checking?

I didn’t even notice that till you pointed it out (laughs). Thanks for giving me a chuckle. Yes, top marks for your perfect spelling 😉

Thank you so much for sharing. It sounds like Dr Gordan’s methods are helping a lot of people. Some groundbreaking techniques & research happening.

Expressive meditation sounds intriguing. I think it makes sense why it’s helping people. Our physiological selves & psychological selves are intertwined, after all...I think that’s why dance helps us connect with our emotions.

I’m very impressed by your passion for your garden. The makeover seems to be coming along nicely. I think you’re wise to follow the seasons to grow your food.

Fresh garlics would be delicious, & lemon trees are really pretty. Congratulations on your 1st avocado! That’s incredible! I hope there will be more...

4 little figs from a pruned branch? Nature sure is an amazing provider, but you also helped it. Nurtured & tended to your garden...joint effort 😉

Thank you, my friend...”come what may” with my emotions is my current mindset. There’s peace in letting go sometimes...

I accidentally came across some old belongings. I could feel this sharp pang. Felt my airways constrict.

Just felt overwhelmed by sudden emotion. I paused & then walked away. It’s a haunting feeling when you’re hit with unexpected reminders of people who are no longer of this world...

Laughs, maybe you’ll enjoy The Printed Letter Bookshop more than me. Sometimes 2 people will read the same book & feel differently about it 😉

Rosa’s grief & anguish is poignant in Inglorious. Her stream of consciousness feels frazzled, lonely & desperate. I feel her desperation & longing...her search for something more...

I keep putting off my sushi making. It has been a while since I have made it. It can be a pretty grounding process. White rice is most common, but black rice is quite tasty too.

I think key is not too overstuff the fillings. Let’s just say the roll will unravel if you go overboard with it 😉

It’s nice in a bento box style meal with veggie tempura, salad, fresh fruit, pickled veggies & miso soup (very small quantities of each). The miso soup can be made plant based if you don’t use fish broth 😉

Is your garden ready for the garlics yet, or is there more to reorganise this week?

What else are you up to this week?

Thinking of you & your beautiful family.

With love, comfort & gratitude xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello beautiful friend ❤

When i read your description of you coming across some belongings, i felt it in my chest. To unexpectedly be confronted like that is really arresting - so strange but just a few days before your post, i was talking to my mum, and she had had the exact same experience last week when she was clearing out a linen cupboard, and completely out of the blue were some of my brother's shirts and trousers and she said it just knocked the wind out of her.

Everyday little items that they used, can just jolt you into such a completely other realm when you're not braced for it. Catching you unawares.

How are you feeling the last few days?

I am feeling a bit inspired to try making sushi, by which i really mean nori rolls ... yim, i love tempura veg and the bento box yumminess! I use miso paste a lot in different recioes but have never made miso soup, so you have inspired me again!

Yum i love the vegan "roast duck" in vietnamese-style cold noodle salads, also in rice paper rolls, or with rice and asian-greens with a soy/sesame dressing. That one is a fave product of our household, i love its chewy texture.

I have some more to do in the veg patch before i plant the garlics, must get a wriggle on.

I was expecting Rabbits For Food to arrive on Friday, i am tapping my foot about it ...

Do you have any nice plans for the week?

Do you have any series that you enjoy watching? mrs b and the boys and i have been re-watching a series we love, This Is Us. Have you seen it? I think it us full of heart of and life and so well acted and great writing, funny, sad, compassionate, heart-wrenching, clever.

I enjoyed Inglorious alongside you, we should do that again some time if we can.

❤

🌻b xo

[Birdy77]

At the end, what i meant to say was that i enjoyed reading Inglorious alongside you, i thought it was fun to be reading the same book at the same time and i would like to do that again some time.

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

I feel for you & your mum. I feel relics of the past can be confronting, especially when you find them unexpectedly. Little snippets of an old life...memories...pierces tthe heart.

That must have been hard for your mum. I can imagine some of her grief & pain...& yours too.

Can I ask, how have you been feeling since your mum shared that moment with you?

You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I’m listening & here for you if you do want to talk. Absolutely no pressure to share though...

This Is Us is obviously a family favourite in your household. I think it’s really nice how you all get together to watch it, human & non-human family members alike 😉

I looked up the synopsis, & it sounds heartfelt, but also sad. Then again, I think almost everything feels sad these days, so my comments about sadness aren’t necessarily valid (laughs). I hope you’re enjoying the re-watch 🙂

I’m not really watching anything at the moment, but I loved The Good Place. It’s funny, but also clever. I think a lot can be learnt about life in it. It’s my lazy way to try to learn about life- consume pop culture 😉

I love bento boxes, as I like the variety. A bit of everything. If you make sushi &/or miso soup, I would love to hear how your cooking adventure goes.

Oh yes, plant based duck is very versatile! It all sounds delicious, especially your rice paper rolls. I’ve only ever had it in stir fries, but there are clearly many options...

Sigh, this week is a busy one at work. I’m grateful for employment, but my gratitude revolves around the monetary benefits & not much else (laughs).

I’ll meet a friend for lunch during the week, see another friend on a time off in lieu day & spend time with family & a group of friends on the weekend.

Hopefully, Rabbits for Food arrives soon, & that you’ll get something out of it. It was nice reading Inglorious at the same time, & being able to exchange thoughts about it. I agree that it would be nice to do that again some time with another book 🙂

Speaking of Inglorious, I think Rosa seriously needs better friends...I would have added “get better friends” on her list.

I recognised aspects of myself in both of Rosa & Bunny (Rabbits for Food). The main difference is they unleash whereas I rarely do...

How is your week looking, my friend?

Thank you, as always, for making time for me. That means a lot. It really does.

Sending love to you & your gorgeous family xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello beautiful friend,

I understand the feeling that everything is sad, even the fun stuff is sad. I get it. It's like everything has been rinsed in a sepia wash or something. 

It's really lovely that you have so many friends & nice events to remind you of the love and good things that fill your life - your outings with friends & family, spemnding your day off with someone whose company you enjoy. It sounds very  nurturing. 

Do you still have much to do with your void-fillers and/or leeches?

Thank you for asking, i felt really sad for my mum more than anything. I do miss my brother, but i kind of chat to him a bit, & on his bday etc i cook something he would like & set a playlist of his favourite music. I miss him but i am at peace with it. I have a spot on the beach that i go sometimes, it has sort of become his spot for me, not that i ever was there with him, bit i went there at the time he passed & said my own goodbyes to him at that spot,  so it has become special for me.

Did you decide on how to have your own personal goodbye or ceremony after the funeral of the person you love who has gone?

I watched the trailer for The Good Place, & read the synopsis - it looks & sounds good, i have ordered the first season from the library.

Rabbits For Food arrived this morning! I've read a few chapters & i like it so far & have had a few lols already.

I agree, Rosa really needs some new friends!! Even those "really nice ones" up in the country, even they didn't take long to make her feel dreadful & want to drink all the vino did they?  The poor darling.

Same applies to Bunny maybe, even by page 35, she gets the email from her friend telling her "we all have bad days. You're not special.  Pull up your pants and get over it". So nice!! So understanding, empathic,  compassionate!!

I too, can relate to aspects of Rosa, & Bunny too already. I was telling mrs b last night that i feel like my head is about to explode with all the things i feel weighing on me from my to-do list.  I started writing them all down last night before i went to sleep,  ("Unearth the TEMP!!" haha). I did it like a purging, it was good,  sort of (i wrote a lot of things! danger of overwhelm!) , but each in themselves is not a big deal - just like those quotes you left the other, old Winnie the Pooh et al. - you know. 

I have another book by Joanna Kavenna, Come To The Edge in my To-Read pile, not sure if the synopsis appeals to you to read together some time, or do you have something you want to read that i could look for as well? 

I hear you with being grateful for the money coming in, but not feeling fulfilled perhaps in the job. Do you have any plans to try something different? You mentioned ideas of a change, zoology or vet science? Only if you feel like talking about it.

Oh, your "Shall i go to Paris" tree is growing well in the back garden - how are your thoughts growing in that regard?

I tried the Plantasia "roast pork" (i hate even saying that, but it's what it's  called ...) today in rice paper rolls because they didn't have in stock the "roast duck" (shudder as well ... i even put them in air quotes when i say it out loud) - it was really yummy as well.

Better stop.

Love❤

🌻b  xo