Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Birdy77]

Good morning my friend ☀️

I'm glad you don't want to change who you are, and neither should you. If someone thought you should, then that person is not a friend. They are a pain and they should go look at their own life if they want to change things, your life is none of their beeswax.

Because of your awesomeness and how thoroughly you commit yourself to your emotions and way of being alive in the world and in your relationships is just a reason to develop that discernment. Because there's a finite amount of that awesomeness to go around. Depletion will occur when there's the leeches abounding.

What i wrote is actually quite funny. In actuality it was a typo and i meant *the endless black hole of their own self absorption*. I might keep that new phrase that i accidentally invented though for when i want to say a particular thing without actually saying the thing.

I am a bit up and down at the moment. I've been spending a lot of time in my garden which is always a good place for me to be. It heals and it give me so much peace, it inspires me and gives me hope. I've recently come to a place in my head that if i achieve nothing else in my life, i can create this garden around this little house. A home for the birds, plenty of flowers for the bees, a happy space for my precious boys and mrs b. That's a good thing.

Lots of love to you xoxo

[demonblaster]

Hi dear Peppystar ☘ and beautiful friends 😊

I was so pleased reading a wee bit back that you met at an art show I think it was a couple of people that might be more the type you're hoping to connect with. I realky hope so Peppy. We need soul nourishing people around us not energy sappers.

I like that Grandy said you look like you're starting to show some self live which I think too and like seeing I think you're starting to be aware what you want or some things anyway. Intellectual and emotional stimulation are important in our lives.

It sads me such a gentle lovely person like you struggles so much lovely.

So always keeping an eye on you darlin and your choccy empire.. oh struth that's embarrassing slipping out like that.

Much love and care sweety Peppy and same for you beautiful Tweety you also have been in my thoughts often. Beautiful people easy to love.

Hope your evenings are relaxed and create peaceful dreams.

🤗☘⚘🌱

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful birdy (& a wave to all),

I’m sitting quietly next to you with a hand outstretched & an open heart...your emotions sound erratic, or even turbulent. So it makes me happy that you have your garden to centre yourself.

I smiled when I read about those inspired & hopeful that you draw from your garden. You nurture your garden & s/he nurtures you (& by extension, your whole family is nurtured)...how beautiful & miraculous is that, my friend?

Your garden & all you do for your family is an outstanding achievement. A real gift from your heart...

About your life’s work...time will tell. I would gently suggest maybe, considering all that you (& all that gorgeous mrs b) is going through, to just take things as they come for now.

You don’t need to know what will happen tomorrow or the day after...just take each moment as it comes. Concentrate on the task at hand, & preferably in your garden, as per that quote 😉

I’m learning to lean into my inner chaos. I think passionate people are chaotic. Maybe I’m too much for some people, but that’s okay, they’re not my people (& I’m not theirs).

Recently, one of the new people ...he asked me if I I could give him advice/feedback. He really wants to get this project off the ground, & he’s at the planning stage. He’s a bit “out there” but so am I...

We’re meeting soon to discuss it in. His drive & energy is inspiring...also I’m glad my nudges have worked to disrupt his recent complacency 😉

A heartfelt thank you for always encouraging me to be me (from Day 1). You have always accepted me. Never made me feel “too much.” Thank you, precious friend.

I want you to know it’s okay for you to be you too...the good parts & the parts you’re insecure about. We’ll love & accept all of you.

How is your garden doing & how has your mood been?

Love you (& love to mrs b too) xoxox

Wonderful DB: How lovely to see you here 🙂 Thank you...

You’re right, I’m over my Leeches. But I’m not yet over my Void Fillers. They still have a place in my life at this point.

Void Fillers are better. They don’t suck up energy...just take up space. Low expectations & no real giving happens in that dynamic..

Thank you for your words of support, love & encouragement. Learning self respect is a part of it...also, I’m just over it. Past the point of caring with some people...

But the blame is on me. I make my own (bad) choices....

Thanks again for keeping an eye on me & for being here. Supersoul hugs & much love to you xoxo

[Birdy77]

Hello lovely friend,

I just wanted to say how great i think it is, all these changes you are instigating, getting involved with new people, getting involved with this new project with the guy ... you're doing it, and your motivation has been infectious, with him getting a nudge along. You're making changes that you need right now in your life to give you new opportunities for fulfillment on your journey. It's awesome.

I think you should totally celebrate your chaos. Have a party for it. It's a part of you and there's room for that along with all the other aspects of you. They should all be celebrated. They all belong. They make up the awesomeness that is you.

Love ❤

🌻b xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful birdy (and a wave to all),

Thank you so much for your beautifully encouraging & supportive words, dear friend. Your friendship is a true blessing, and something to never be taken for granted 🙂

I think in life, sometimes if we want something & even if we aren’t always 100% sure what we want, there’s something to be said for trying. Something to be said for putting ourselves out there. Trial and error (lots of error). Learning to sit with uncertainty. Befriending it.

Thing is, no one is going to hand me what I want/need on a silver platter. If I want something in life, I have to think & act. No one is coming to save me. Besides, I don’t want to be a passive observer in my own life...what kind of life is that, really? Rhetorical...

The following is just a stray thought...

You know, I think life is hard. Really hard. Daily, it’s hard. But I still try to do this life thing. Not just me, but so many of us...

People who smile for their children’s sake, people who drag themselves to work then collapse as soon as they’re home, people who are struggling but still try to be there for/check on others, people who struggle to leave the house but try to go outside for their dog pals, people who don’t have much money but still try to donate a few coins to the homeless, etc, etc...

Almost everyone is struggling in some way...I think there’s something to be said for kindness. We don’t always know what other people are going through...we’re all muddling through this life thing, and it’s not always easy...

I suppose that’s my slightly left of field musing of the day...thanks for being here, beautiful friend.

I hope you’ve been spending time in your garden and maybe cooking, reading & dancing too. I hope you’ve been crying too when needed. Giving space for you feelings...the rich range and breadth...

How is your week going, dear friend?

Warm hugs and comforting thoughts to you & your family...thinking of you.

With love xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello friend ❤

You are absolutely right, if we want something to change in our lives, we have to do it, no fairy godmother is going to come and wave a wand (unfortunately).

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

That's where depression is such a difficult barrier, because it blocks our motivation, keeps things small, enclosed.

It's so great to hear how you are making changes, *even though* as you say, life is hard. You're doing it. You're getting up, making change in your life, and that will create new impetus in other areas of your life. You are an inspiration!

I have ended up having a good week. I had a moment of clarity on Monday, and i have been taking much better care of myself since. The last month or so I've really been overdoing it with the booze, wanting to blank out some pain, wanting to escape. But something has clicked, and i realised i have so much to live for, so much to be *present* for. I'm going to be looking after myself a lot better from here on in. It feels like a new start. The start of rediscovering myself or something.

The garden is starting to pop, with Spring starting. I bought a young japanese maple today to put in the front garden, but i brought it home and just plonked it ina spot to sit in the backyard before i dig a hole for it and i was sitting there looking at it and it looks gorgeous right where i plonked it, so that, my friend, is where it shall now live!

I also bought another wisteria today, called "amethyst falls" to grow on the front fence.

I counted 37 different edible plants in the veg patch (including my various citrus, olives, fig and avocados (aka AVO 😱). Am excited for spring 😊

Thanks for your love and friendship. I'm blessed.

🌻b xo

PS dear Aunty Deebs, i am so sorry i meant to say thank you so much for your always beautiful caring words, i do not know what happened i accidentally deleted my PS from last time or something. Please know i would never intentionally ignore you ❤ i always read your journey ... sending love.

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful birdy/b (& a wave to all),

What a turnaround week it has been for you. I feel so happy for you & proud of you too. I suppose maybe things need to get a bit (or very) messy before clarity comes sometimes...here’s to new beginnings for you, my friend 🙂

I smiled as I felt a lift in spirit in your writing. I agree, life is to be lived, after all, and there is so much for birdy to discover about birdy. A chance to do things differently & get reacquainted with yourself again...I’m happy you’re starting to take better care of your beautiful self, gorgeous friend.

It’s funny how your accidental placement of the Japanese maple turned out to be just where it needed to be. I wonder if that’s symbolic of how some unexpected things just might work out for you 🙂

Your garden sound impressive, and it makes me happy that it brings you so much meaning, joy & nurturing. Your edible garden sounds scrumptious! I feel as though you’re home in your garden, as though you’ve “arrived”....

You’re right, fairy godmothers don’t exist...there’s grit, challenge, struggle, triumph/despair, meaningful coincidences, resilience, circumstances that do/don’t aid, support systems/networks/connection (or thereof lack) but no wish granters...not really.

I’ll tell you something amusing. Remember when I was talking about how helpful it would be to have well-meaning lawyers involved in bringing about important community, etc changes? 1 of the new people that I mentioned turns out (High EQ Person) to be a lawyer, which I only learnt this week! wheels in my head are turning...I think she could be very helpful with Community Guy’s project.

Whenever you feel like sharing, I would love to hear about your own self discovery (and your garden tales too)...you’re welcome to share anything you like here. No pressure but I’m here For the & hard times. Free rein to you here 😉

Thank you for being who you are. How beautiful is it to watch you grow.

With love to you & mrs b xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello gorgeous friend! ❤

How have the last couple of weeks been for you?

I hope you have been taking good and gentle care if yourself as you grit it out, day by day.

That is so amazing to hear about one of your new "people" being a lawyer ad may be able to help out with the new community project! Talk about things falling into place! Maybe the Japanese maple metaphor can apply here too 😃.

I would love to hear if any developments there or in anything else you have going on.

How have you been feeling lately?

I have continued taking better care of myself. Not to say i haven't partied a few nights 😁 since i last wrote to you, but i feel i really had a wake up call & i am being much more mindful or something, of the way i am taking care of my mind & body. I will share more of this journey, maybe over in doomsville sometime.

I have been really busy in the garden, how i wish i could share pics with you! I harvested the first maybe 30 heads of garlic a week or so ago (i planted about 150 this year, but they won't all succeed), & am picking a couple of asparagus stalks a day at the moment, plus salad greens, herbs and silverbeet. I have the most ginormous flower about to pop - it's called a verbascum olympicum, & it is currently about 6ft tall, but hasn't bloomed. I have waited 2 years for this thing, having put it in as a tiny seedling (& pretty much tapping my foot saying can you hirry up already i have other things to plant here once you're done) & yesterday it nearly was knocked over in a big wind 😱😱😱 the only thing i had strong enough to tie it up to a stake was a scarf i scrounged in desparation out of my wardrobe. It now looks tres chic 🧣

I have also had a sick hen in need of tlc, i think i have her back on the road to recovery after a week of meds x3 daily. It's rewarding to see the recouperation.

Please tell me how you are & what's been happening with you, if you feel like it. I am always listening, caring, interested & paying attention to you.

Much love ❤

🌻b xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (birdy) & a wave to all,

It made me smile to read that you have been taking better care of yourself 🙂 As I said before, it’s beautiful to watch you grow.

I feel enormously proud of your self compassion, epiphany/self learning and self nurturing. I would love to hear more about your journey any time you feel like sharing....your garden, your observations, anything you want to talk about, but of course there’s no pressure to share more than you want.

I feel saddened to hear about your beautiful hen. I know how much your girls mean to you, but I’m glad she’s on the mend. I couldn’t think of a better person to take care of her than you 🙂 Let me know how she recuperates if you like...

Your edible garden sounds like quite the feast! Garlic is so flavoursome & I love silverbeet. I had to look up verbascum Olympian. Wow, magnificent...and stylish too with its own scarf 😉 It’s a shame that I can only use my imagination to envision your garden, but even in my mind, it looks spectacular!

I wonder, what helped you develop your newfound self insight? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to of course...I’m always happy to hear about your gorgeous garden or anything you feel like talking about 🙂

Smiling, I think grit isn’t usually gentle, or at least not in the way that I understand. Sometimes circumstances call for it...sometimes it’s because it’s a committment to something. Sometimes both.

It has been an emotional time. Some sad & difficult times...but lessons learnt too, so I suppose that’s something good 🙂

In some ways, I’ve come to realise that I have everything that I need. The interesting thing is as I’ve been testing the waters, & letting some of my quirks show, much to my surprise (& confusion) more (not less) people seem to want to be around me. Yes, I’m still attracting my usual Space Fillers & Leeches, but intriguing people seem to be coming into the mix as well...

There was a moment where a group of us were talking & I felt a rare moment of true connection. It wasn’t due to any one person. But it was that particular combination of personalities & attributes. Synergy.

Without consciously realising it at the time, a significant portion of the attributes/characteristics that I had been longing for were there...not all in the 1 person but as a group.

Thank you for being my friend. How blessed am I to have you in my life...

Sending love & warmth to you, your hen & the rest of your beautiful family xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hi there lovely friend ❤

For some reason I'm not finding it easy to post just at the moment.  My words are escaping me.  But i am still here and thinking of you. 

It sounds like you might have had some challenging situations with people and/or feelings over the last couple of weeks.  If you want to talk anything through, please know i am here listening and paying attention.  

Whatever has been going on, it is good to hear that you seem to be processing some (hard earned) lessons, and are open to whatever it is that needed practice or learning.

It probably sounded paradoxical when i mentioned gentleness in the midst of grit - i guess i think of you gritting it out and see that determined and focused and strong friend of mine needing a gentle space at the end of the day, a mindset of care and letting go of the reins a bit, after forcing yourself through the difficulties of your life.  I just feel that you need that gentleness to balance things inside somehow. I know that grit isn't gentle, but you can do both.  A bit of grit, a bit of gentle. Remember the yin to counteract the yang ❤

What an awesome discovery you have made: that you actually have everything you need. This is such a wonderful realisation, and it makes sense to hear you simultaneously realising this and relaxing into your own skin - revealing your quirks, freeing your own unique awesomeness. Letting your light shine.

I know in the past you have held back because of the people around you. Sounds like finally you are finding the right people, and that is extremely cool. You need people around you who accept and are attracted to your magic, not trying to contain you within their own little ideas of you.

I will come back and talk to you more.  I just wanted to say I'm here, listening.

Love,

🌻b  xo