Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful birdy (& a wave to all),

My dear, dear friend....I’m holding out my hand in friendship to you and offering a supportive space, love & warmth. I’m so sorry to hear that your family reunion was very brief.

I know how hard it is to be apart. Even if you understand that she needs to be there, I know you must miss her everyday.

If you ever want to talk about anything or just want a bit of company, I’m here... free rein & all 😉 Happy, sad, angry, hurt, amused, the crying & crying, laughter, gardening, your boys, etc.

Thank you so much for being here, dear friend. I know you’re here for me & how you make time to checkin on me really does mean a lot (especially when I know you’re often struggling yourself).

Sometimes things just build & it can get a little overwhelming...my heart feels very broken at the moment. I agree with you about tears though 🙂

There is a lot of loss & grief in my heart for various reasons, so it’s currently feeling a little stretched. I used to think that a heart can only carry so much, but then I realised that it just expands...

Pain, carry it. Sadness, carry it. Loss, carry it. Etc. Grief taught me the most though.I tend to learn a lot of things the hard way, the really hard way.

Thanks so much for sharing 🙂 I admittedly don’t know too much about spiritual teachers or monks, but it makes sense why they would also struggle. I suppose if it was easy, maybe the current (human) emotional landscape would be vastly different?

You seem to do a lot of reading on work by various spiritual teachers. I think it’s really good though. From what I can tell, it helps you a lot, & that makes me very happy 🙂 You’re always welcome to share anything you’ve read.

I appreciate the support & encouragement ! I’ll let you know how the innovation thing goes.

How have you been the past few days? Sending comfort & care.

Love,

Pepper xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello friend,

This is just a short message to you this morning, I have a bit of brain fog, but I really wanted to send you my love and care after reading your post from yesterday.

I felt very sad to hear how broken hearted you are at the moment. It sounds like something or someone is currently causing you heartbreak. I might have that wrong, it may be the accumulation of sadness, loss and grief is weighing heavily on your heart at the moment.

I know you feel things deeply and maybe sometimes that depth and intensity of feeling gets too much to hold.

I wish I was able to sit with you in person and just hear you pour your heart out. Although not in person, I am sitting with you here, with your pain and heartache.

I just hope that you are being really gentle with yourself as you hurt.

You're right about the carrying or the holding of the pain, and the way it stretches us. It is really empowering for you to think of your heart expanding. It's like your heart is not just breaking, but breaking open.

I am sending my love and thoughts.

If you want to talk about anything at all, I'm here.

Love from me xoxoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful birdy,

Aren’t you a treasure to sit with me in my pain? Thank you so very much.

I hope you’re being compassionate and loving towards yourself through your brain fog. Gentle and easy does it, my friend...I want you to know that I’m here for you too if you ever want to talk about anything. Sitting with you & talking would be beautiful, but I know that’s not possible, so I feel grateful for here 🙂

Sometimes, if things can’t be changed or reversed, I try to find space for those associated feelings. If I can give space to that pain, I can hold it (feel it & learn from it) & ultimately learn to carry it. It’s a combination of things that feels heavy...

But, in a way, it’s okay too. I think pain is just as much a part of life as the more pleasant moments. If I can carry joy, I can also carry pain. It’s just that the latter is far less pleasant, that’s all.

Yesterday, I wasn’t feeling so great and my eyes were puffy from crying the night before. I felt a sudden, inexplicable urge to step outside for a bit. So I did exactly that.

The fresh air nourished my heart and a cute, little bee soon caught my eye. I watched the bee fly from flower to flower. That warmed my heart. For a few brief minutes, my heart felt a little less heavy & a little less sore. For the rest of the day, I placed a hand on my heart every so often to recall that warmth/nourishment.

I remember smiling inwardly: ebb & flow.

Thank you, as always, for being the beautiful person you are. Your gorgeous heart always shines through. I’m very lucky to have your friendship here.

Love you xoxox

[Birdy77]

Dear Friend xo

It was so lovely listening to you describe your moment yesterday if listening to yourself, taking yourself out into the fresh air, and Becoming One With The Moment. Becoming one with bee, and the flowers and the perfection of that moment.

You are absolutely right, the good and the bad, the joy and the pain all have a place in our lives. And if we can practice accepting the hurt along with the ease, as you are practicing , we will be closer to freedom really. Yin and yang. It all belongs, some of it just feels harder than other parts as you wisely said.

It's a really nurturing gesture to hold your hand to your heart to bring yourself back to you, or back to a moment or a warm feeling. I'm so glad to hear you are giving yourself this care and compassion. It really is making me feel happy. 😊

I had to bring myself into this present moment multiple times today, my anxiety was going slightly ballistic. It is incredibly windy at my place today, and I have part of the fence down, a section of gates has been blown off it's hinges, and then this afternoon the gazebo over the deck started popping screws and swinging around in the wind! 😥 Scary for me.

Anyway, I went into a bit of a tizzy, but then pulled myself together and thought through what I should do. I managed to find some longer screws in the garage and got up there with the power drill and fixed 3 brackets. I was frightened, but I brought myself back to exactly what I was doing this second, and this second, and I Nailed It (or screwed it or whatever, but that doesn't sound quite as successful).

Now I can sit on the couch and look out at the sunset with the boys while I message you, without the roof of the pergola swaying in the breeze. That's got to be a positive thing. And I guess what I'm saying is, I handled it. In my anxiety I didn't think I could. But bringing myself back to this moment and this moment - I did it.

Anyway, I really liked hearing about your successful practice of ebb and flow. xoxo

Love you xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Our darling friend/dear birdy (& a wave to all),

I feel very relieved that you & your boys are safe. That wind sounds as though it was very destructive. I think that the broken gate & swaying gazebo would have been quite alarming!

I feel enormously proud of you for how you handled your anxiety, fears & the situation so beautifully. I can only imagine how anxious you must have felt...it must have felt so scary & debilitating at first.

But you worked your way through it. You unpacked it into manageable parts. Second by second into the then & there. You did so well, my friend. So very well. You’re right, you did it 🙂

I sense your feelings of accomplishment/pride that you have learnt that you can work your way through your anxiety. I also sense your relief...

That you now know you can break it into manageable moments. That you now know that you have the capacity to bring yourself into the present. As I said, I feel so proud of you. I’m smiling as I write this 🙂

Thank you so very much for your beautiful words of encouragement, compassion & understanding. Yin & Yang is a good way of putting it; thanks so much for sharing that.

Until you kindly & gently commented, I hadn’t really thought of putting my hand on my heart as an act of care & compassion. I just saw it as being practical, as I tend to just do what works for me (whether that means holding the pain or placing my hand on my heart).

But I suppose it was an act of care & self compassion. Thank you, lovely friend...the bee, the flowers & fresh air were precious moments. I think it was comforting to know that I could still let in some light, despite the ongoing heaviness.

The innovation thing today was a mixed experience. There were some inspiring presentations (the part that I liked).

But it seemed that a lot of the attendees were there to try to find influential people in various industries for the sake of their own careers (I liked this aspect a lot less). I understand networking has its place, but I just didn’t realise that there would be so much of it there! I attended with a different motivation; I just wanted to learn.

Thanks again, as always, for your support. I think of you often. I’m always here if want to share any struggles as well as your successes & achievements (such as today).

Feeling very happy for what you overcame today. I would love to hear how the rest of the weekend goes for you when you next have a bit of time (& only if you feel like sharing).

Love,

Pepper xoxox

[Birdy77]

Dear Friend ❤

How are you?

Sorry the innovation thing wasn't much chop. I think a lot of things end up being networking opportunities .... it's annoying when you think it's going to be something else.

I'm not doing that great just at the moment, so my post wont be much chop either. I feel a bit wretched.

I will, however, be ok!! Not for you to worry.

Love you.

Hope you are taking care of you.

xoxo

🌻me

[Peppermintbach]

Dear friend/beautiful birdy (& a wave to all),

Thanks so much for checking in on me, especially when you have been struggling yourself. You’re absolutely lovely, my friend. I have been going through a rough time, but sadly there’s not much that can be done about it. But again, a heartfelt thank you for checking in 🙂

My dear friend, I’m gently sending comfort your way...it sounds like you’re struggling/hurting. I know you said that you don’t want me to worry, which is really sweet, but just know I’m here listening if you ever want to chat.

No pressure or obligation to share though. I understand if you don’t want to talk about it/need to cocoon/prefer to deal with things privately, without raising it here. I suppose this is just my (slightly long-winded) way of saying that I’m thinking of you, that’s all 😉

Sending hugs and much love xoxox

[Birdy77]

Thank you darling Friend ❤

I am so sorry to hear this week has been rough on you. Is there snything that you would like to offload ir talk about? Of course i understand if not.

I'm hear always listening if you need a friend.

My thoughts have not been too helpful lately, and i think i came to a realisation today that i am ashamed. Of myself? Of who i am or who i haven't become? I'm not entirely sure, but it hurts. No doubt it stems from daddy issues!

I feel battle weary. I miss my mrs. But i am and will be ok!

Talk to me if you want to, i am here for you xo

🌻me xo

[Birdy77]

Sorry for my typos, you know how i feel about my typos ....

❤❤❤

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/dear birdy (& a wave to all),

I understand your typos stir up your insecurities & past hurts, but there’s absolutely no need to apologise for them. I don’t think any less of you because of them. I don’t think you’re less intelligent or less capable, because of it. I hope one day, you’ll see that too 😉

I feel sad to hear about your feelings of shame & of perhaps not “measuring up” (so to speak) to your dad’s expectations. I know he has caused a lot of hurt & created many insecurities in you, and you carry that in your heart. I get the feeling he casts a shadow on all that you do/don’t do..

I feel your pain...I wonder, if that voice in your head is your own or if it’s your dad’s voice/expectations lingering...to us here, you’re more than enough. You don’t need to be anything/anyone else.

You know, it’s okay if you’re not feeling okay. I understand you keep saying that you will be okay, & while I believe that you will be alright in time. If, in this moment, you’re struggling...that’s okay too. Gentle & easy does it...

Missing mrs b must be hard. I know you’re used to her gorgeous daily support/presence. I’m holding out my hand in friendship as you miss her...love, warmth and comfort included in that hand 🙂

You’re beautiful for being here for me. Let’s just say I have a lot of emotional baggage as well as current struggles. My heart is holding as much as it can, and I really can’t do much about it. There’s not much that I can do other than allow space for it.

A well meaning friend (offline) asked if she could help recently, and I didn’t know how to answer. I was grateful & moved, but at the same time, there was nothing she could do.

There is one good thing that has arisen from all my “holding.” The less afraid I am of my own pain, the less afraid I am of anyone else’s pain. I’m not sure if that means anything to you or anyone else, but I wanted to share that...

Thank you again for being the beautiful friend you are. Always grateful for you and I’m here for you too.

Love,

Pepper xoxox