Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Birdy77]

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your beautiful reply.

Sometimes I wish I could just give you a real hug.

I am glad you had a laugh as well. The other night my partner (I should conjure up a nickname for her: "my partner" sounds so bland, she's far from that 😊) was setting the table for dinner on the deck and she said "we don't need pepper do we?" And I'm like gasp!!! "how dare you?!" 😉

I know that you intellectually get what the heck I was saying.

And I totally get that emotionally and socially you are not quite prepared.

And yes, part of that is probably to do with your emotional intelligence that you were talking about to SN, and part of it is probably being polite, and maybe part of it is you having played particular roles in your life with different people, and you're in the groove of playing those roles. I think we all do that. Breaking out of those grooves is totally tricky and can cause mayhem.

Maybe you can do it bit by bit.

Which is maybe what you're doing here?

What I am liking, is seeing you talk about it more here, opening up more ... I feel like you're venturing out bit by bit and talking about stuff that is important to you.

You are so wonderful to everyone on the forums. You tune into their needs and their styles, just as you described you do in real life.

Reach for your surreal, for your marvellous.

I'm cheering for you xo

With my love,

🌻birdy

[Peppermintbach]

Hi to all of you lovely people 🙂

Darling Butterfly Wings: thanks so much for your words, especially when I know how much you’re struggling.

Yes, I’m with you that being so-called perceptive or adaptable has its good and bad points. I think, when it comes down to it, I’ve always known “who” I am...but for the sake of some semblance of diplomacy and peace, bits and pieces of myself have gradually been eroded over time...

I feel most like myself when I’m alone. People drain me, or it could simply mean that I’m around people who aren’t a good fit for me (and vice verse)...

You’re always so compassionate and caring. Thank you...rough week...a lot has happened...

Gentle hugs and much love...

”Dusk till dawn”

Pepper xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hi Friend,

I'm having trouble with my posts at the moment.

I did reply to you but ... I dunno seems to ... vamoose.

Thinking of you.

Love

🌻birdy

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely people,

Thank you all for the support and/or reading along 🙂 You are all very much appreciated ...

Dear friend/beautiful birdy: I hope that will be resolved...in any case, thank you so much for visiting and thinking of me. That means a lot 🙂

I don’t usually write at this hour, but seeing as I’m (unusually) sober tonight, I have to deal with myself. Not always so pleasant. Lol.

Anyway, thanks again for all the love and support (thank you to everyone else too). Keep being the beautiful person that you are...keep shining that light...

With love,

Pepper xoxox

[demonblaster]

You've been really struggling lately moreso haven't you Pepstar 🤗

Just dropping in to tell you I care very much with love beautiful lady.

Hold on hun there has to be better ahead.

🤗💗🌹☘✨🍫

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely people,

As always, I appreciate all of your very caring and thoughtful support 🙂

Wonderful DB: your post made me tear up. Thank you for thinking of me, despite everything you’re going through.

You really do have lioness’ heart 🙂 So much love for us all. Extra soul hugs and free chocolates from me today. Each hug is packed with love.

Love you xoxo

Dear friend/beautiful birdy: thank you so much, as always, for making time for me. I know you have your own struggles, yet you still put in so much effort and time to write such compassionate and insightful posts to me (and many others).

Thank you, my friend 🙂 As I often like to say, I’m truly blessed (and very grateful)...also I would happily accept a hug from you and would like to offer one in return...yes, a real hug would be nice but online will have to do..

You’re right, sometimes (maybe more so lately), bits and pieces of myself surface. Albeit with some trepidation, every now and then, I bring up things that are important to me...

Sigh, I think that I’m a lot of work for most people (intellectually, emotionally, artistically...just in general), or I’m a lot of work when I’m given “free reign” (so to speak) at least. I’m a lot to handle (and not necessarily in a good way either), and I know this. That is the message/feedback that I tend to get offline from a lot of people, which then makes me feel bad and guilty...

Say, if we were to imagine that humans were made up of certain ingredients (not literally of course). It’s as though something went wrong in the production process for me, and I ended up with double the amount of certain ingredients compared to most. Does this make sense?

On another note, I’ve been thinking about a side project for some time. Zero action has been taken. It’s still a vague idea at the moment. Let’s just say I’ve been inspired by Dr. Jane Goodall’s “roots and shoots” program. I’m sure most of you reading would have heard of her. She’s known internationally for her work with chimpanzees 🙂

Also, your anecdote about the pepper and your partner made me smile. Thank you...so you’re after nicknames for your lovely partner? what about Mrs birdy? Ms. birdy? Special Lady? W.O.M.D (Woman Of My Dreams)? Okay, I need to stop because I’m (clearly) terrible at this lol...I’ll leave her nickname to you 😉

Thank you again for being you, birdy. You bring so much to these forums (to so many of us). You make a difference in my/our lives 🙂

With love xoxox

[startingnew]

Hi Dear Peps,

I too find people draining but i guess unlike you even when im alone i dont feel like 'me' Still a work in progress there. I guess that is the joys of being a human, even if we know who we are we are adaptable creatures who do so even without realising it like reacting to others emotions or rising to the challange intellectually. It can both build us up or as you said have pieces start to erode away.

Birdy has touched on some really good points too and i too am glad your opening up as well, youve many friends here willing to help and to listen to what might be happening for you.

Much love and hugs

xoxoxoxo

[Birdy77]

Hello Friend 😊

I am really happy to hear you opening up a little bit more, even with trepidation.

The thing is, my lovely friend, you are safe here. You can let go, if you wish, of that load you carry so close to your chest. You are undercover here. You have your hat, sunnies, your fake moustache, your trench coat - you can say whatever is in your heart, if you want to.

I'm listening.

Just sitting, listening, hearing.

That's all.

And if you don't want to: that's ok.

I'm just sitting, understanding, getting it.

If we were all made up of ingredients from a recipe, we'd all have some weird and interesting ratios of this ingredient to that ingredient. You might think you have an über weird combo, but we're probably all weird combos.

I'm a weird combo, that's definite.

Also, if you're "too much", then why don't they trot off elsewhere? And hang out with someone who suits their precious sensibilities? Why should you tone down because they can't handle your passion?

Time to reassess your crowd maybe. I've had to do that a few times over the years. It's hard, but sometimes necessary. Worth it, especially in your 30s.

I understand feeling drained by people. I often feel that way. But I think, as you said, that it's like that when we spend time around people who don't fit with us. To find people who we can truly just relax and be ourselves, is invigorating, but rare.

I wonder if you are thinking of becoming involved in the roots and shoots program. After you mentioned it elsewhere I looked it up. It looks awesome!

Did you know Dr Goodall is doing some talks in Sydney, Melb and and I think Brisbane in May next year? I wonder if you'd like/be able to go to one?

Hey I meant to remind you that UB mentioned a similar issue about "being oneself" a few weeks ago on the animal thread and sounds like he can relate to being "too much" or that being "himself" doesn't always work out socially. But hey, if we're not ourselves ... what are we doing?

I am thinking if a name for the awesome mrs birdy. I was thinking maybe something like Chiquita, but I'm not sure yet. Maybe mrs birdy is it (it doesn't really suit her though!). I shall consult with her and get back to you. 😊

Love you. xo

🌻birdy

[Peppermintbach]

Hi to all you lovely people,

Darling Butterfly Wings: Again, I loved your post 🙂 I really like seeing this perceptive and thoughtful side of you surface more. Your gentle wisdom and intelligence makes me smile....thank you for showing this other side of you...

I liked your comments about how sometimes we reflect what we see subconsciously...I suppose the plus is it’s related to empathy. But the drawback is potential erosion...a delicate balance between the 2.

Sorry, I forgot to answer your earlier question. I’ve seen quite a few white butterflies this week. Always very comforting to see them 🙂

Think of you often. Warm hugs and much love. “Dusk till dawn” xoxox

Dear friend/beautiful birdy: As always, your understanding and insightful presence is valued and appreciated, my friend. Thank you so much for lending an ear, and for you patience and kindness 🙂

Your comment about the weird combos showed your characteristic warmth and humour, and brought a smile to my face. Whatever combo you are, I like it (as I’m sure others do too) 🙂

I can see why you would think that, but no, I’m not getting involved in the roots and shoots program. That program has inspired me to want to start my own separate project (from scratch) 😉

I see a big gap out there to harness a lot of unused potential for bringing about positive change. I have no interest in leading, but what I am interested in is helping future leaders & changemakers...to give them the best possible chance to create whatever the positive change it is that they wish to make. That’s for “them” to determine, not me...

I have an idea in mind. It’s kind of far fetched, but it’s just an idea at this point...it hasn’t become an action yet in any sense of the word.

Thank you so much for telling me about those talks. I didn’t know, but I’ll have to look into it now 🙂 That’s very exciting!

Sigh, I’m with you that it’s hard to find people that we truly feel comfortable around to let loose. I’m still looking for those people in my offline realm...

I do recall UB’s comment, & to an extent, I get where he’s coming from. But it’s hard...others’ acceptance/understanding & self expression/self determination don’t always go hand-in-hand, or rather, it can be hard to find people who will allow both in us simultaneously...

I think Chiquita is a very sweet and endearing nickname for your mrs birdy. Yes, please ask for her input 😉

Thanks again for your warm presence, compassion and listening. Keep shining...With love xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello Friend,

That is so exciting about your plans for a new program! I think far fetched dreams are the best, why dream small?! If it doesn't exactly all come to fruition, doesn't matter. It's only those crazy enough to think they can change the world that ever do!

It sounds like you have some ideas about setting something up, maybe a Foundation or something, and facilitating it. Anyway, it all sounds awesome. Keep dreaming my friend. Dreams can't come true if you don't dream to begin with.

Dr Goodall is giving talks in Sydney Melbourne and Adelaide (not Brisbane) through the Think Inc collective. That organisation might be right up your alley: thinkinc dot org dot au

Yes I think UB was pretty much saying exactly what you said. But I think he was saying he does his thing regardless.

How are you feeling, this second half of the week? Have things calmed down? I hope you are feeling a bit better.

With love,

🌻birdy