Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[startingnew]

Hi Peps,

That does sound quite tricky to manage esp when its a combination of things. I think i can relate to what your saying about the connection/disconnected feelings. Its really hard to be 'you' or learn more about yourself to form that collaborative unit when others dont seem to come to the table so to speak either. Its a tricky place to be in, one that i hope will change for you as time progresses so that you can become whole rather than split in 2.

Sending much love and hugs

xoxox

[Ggrand]

Hello Dearest gentle Pepper,

I just called in to listen to your beautiful supporters and dear friends, but I couldnt leave without saying to you my special friend (I hope I can say that)...that I absolutely love the both parts of you, whether they are separate, singular or together...they are all you beautiful lady... love them and you no matter how...unconditional is the only way I know how to love...please don’t change you for anyone...

Thank you for being the loving kind person you are Peppy.....Um Here you go darling Peppy....ummmm I found this one 🍫 in my 💼 stuck to this really shines piece of metal...😁...

Love and hugs dear Peppy..💜💜🤗🤗..

Grandy...

[Birdy77]

Dear Friend,

I had a reply in my head ready for you before I hit "reply" (& it was just awesome, believe me 👍), but now it seems to have flown out the window (well actually I'm sitting on my deck, so ... whatevs) ... but I want you to know that I am listening & I care.

I'm sorry you're feeling disconnected, that can feel lonely & also frustrating?

I think it's cool that you can see parts of yourself in UB's words, & maybe you also feel less disconnected when you're talking with him because he engages that level of intellectual stimulation which you crave? & which you feel you need to dilute around many of the people in your life?

In that way, when you converse with him, you're reconnecting with yourself. The discussions you have with him are a path back to you. (?)

I know you said that it's not as simple as "just be yourself" if it means alienating people. I'm going to sound like a pain, but my question is, why not?

Why should you disconnect or dilute sections of yourself to make others happier or more comfortable? Why is it your job to make yourself more acceptable to some people? As you said, who are you left with then? It's not Pepper. It's bits of Pepper. Cracked Pepper.

You have every right to be you, in all your weird & wonderfulness. There's not enough time in life to pretend or give up precious parts of who you are to make yourself less difficult or more tolerable to others.

It makes me sad to think of these people you want to make more comfortable. They have such a privilege to be around you & have you in their lives, but they want their version of you. That makes me feel that they don't deserve you.

You deserve to be around people who want to know all your crazy quirks & wild ideas & outrageous dreams. Who want to see your darkness, your fears, your sadness. Who want to hear of your lofty ideals & dreams of saving the world, your plans for incredible creations & your confronting artworks.

It makes me sad to think you tame yourself for people who are unworthy of that huge sacrifice. It is a sacrifice my dear friend. You're giving up yourself.

I guess what I really want to say is, does it matter if you alienate these people? If they don't accept all your weirdo, why does it matter if you alienate them? Do you really want them around you in the 1st place?

Alternatively, they may be affronted at 1st, & then accept you in your wholeness anyway. They may surprise you. Either way, it's not worth losing yourself over other's ideas of you ❤

🌻birdy

[Guest8901]

Good morning beautiful Pepper,

I see you've done your usual morning rounds of all your regular threads. Thanks so much for mine too.

I am really sorry that you are feeling so "over" everything, accompanied with a dose of disconnection and tears.

Its sounds as though you have always tried (and been very successful) in being all things to everyone. But the core of you (the emotional you and/or the intellectual you) have been sacrificed along the way to accommodate the needs or wants of others.

Why is it so hard, and even scarey, to just allow ourselves to BE ourself? Does it really matter if we temporarily alienate some people along the way? If you are true to yourself, and be who you really are ... provided that self is acceptable to you and you're comfortable within ... others will accept that person too. If you're comfortable and happy within yourself and confident about who you are, others see that and will learn to accept this new you.

You just need to be comfortable within, and consistent with the image you project of yourself to others. I want to see the WHOLE Pepper, and not some watered down crushed version presented in an effort to appear more tolerable to others. I want the real thing!

Others will love you if you learn to love yourself and give yourself permission to be who you are. Some people around you may need time to adjust, but they'll get there. I'm all for compromise, but not at the expense of something as basic as being who you really are. Your well meaning efforts not to alienate others, is alienating you from yourself.

Birdy - I can only imagine that awesome reply you'd concocted in your head which subsequently flew out the window. If you should ever find it again ... I'd love to read it. But there again, your alternative version was brilliant! Beautifully said.

Amanda 💕

[Peppermintbach]

Thank you all for the loving words of support (or for reading along, which is great too) 🙂

Dear friend/beautiful birdy xoxox and lovely Mandy xoxo, I’ll respond to your absolutely wonderful posts in a separate post as I struggled to try to fit everything in 1 post. I hope that’s okay. For now, I just wanted to express how truly grateful I am for both of you 🙂 My love and affection...

Darling BW: what a nuanced post. I love what you wrote...yes, you’re right, it is hard to feel whole when I have spent such a long time diluting parts of myself. Thank you so much for understanding the connection/disconnection.

Offline, I’m fairly adept at reading social cues and subtleties. I tend to reflect what I observe in others whether it’s their use of language, communication style, etc, because it aids understanding. I feel that’s essentially a huge part of emotional intelligence. The ability to gauge and mimic/reflect...

A comment that I get offline quite frequently is that I’m “perceptive.” I suspect part of of that so-called “perceptiveness” is my ability to act almost like a mirror...

If person has a brash communication style, I’ll be more brash myself. If a person tends to respond more emotionally, I’ll dial down my analytical side & try to meet them at that level. If a person has a no-nonsense communication style, I’ll withold more emotional elements in communication. Etc, etc.

It’s not being “fake”,
but I believe this is a huge part of emotional intelligence/effective communication. For example, it’s the reason why i tend to be more effective at dealing with challenging clients than most of my colleagues (but unfortunately it also means more of those clients end up being palmed off to me).

But there is a drawback. If you’re so adept it, you can sometimes end up losing parts of yourself...

Thank you, lovely one. “Dusk till dawn” xoxox

Gorgeous Grandy: of course it’s okay for you to call in and for you to call me you special friend 🙂 Thank you so much, especially when I know you’re at hospital at the moment.

Also a huge thank you for your unconditional love. That love reached my heart...

Although, I’m going to have to have a word with you and DB about this chocolate magnet that you share. Last night’s stocktake showed that we were short...anything to confess? Are you sure it’s only one choccie bar stuck to the metal? Lol 😉

Sending you potted flowers to make your hospital stay hopefully slightly more pleasant. Hugs and love xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

A grateful thank you to all once again 🙂

Dear friend/beautiful birdy: what a poignant and empowering post. A very humble and appreciative thank you for your words.

I have read it multiple times, and it truly warmed my heart. The time, effort, insight and compassion that you put into your words, I notice and value.

Like Mandy, if you ever recall what you wanted to write initially, I would be all ears too. That being said, what you posted was absolutely brilliant anyway, dear friend 😉

You’re right, conversing with UB is a way of reconnecting with myself. As soon as I read some of his writing, especially the later posts, there was an instinctive recognition on my part...I think you and UB remind me of aspects of myself. Some overlap and some are different, but you’re both important 🙂

I’m sorry, “cracked pepper” made me laugh. Perhaps that was your intention. Either way, very clever 😉

I understand what you’re saying, and I’m truly fortunate to have your genuine acceptance of me. Always so encouraging, always so empowering and always so insightful...thank you, dear friend 🙂

But, here’s the proverbial but, i still get comments (even with my diluted self). So it makes me worry if people are already complaining about the watered down me, i don’t know how much they’ll be able to tolerate me at “full force.”

Backhanded compliments/passive aggressive comments e.g. “oh, don’t worry about her. She’s soooo good at everything. She’ll be fine.” I don’t show off or think that I’m “better than” (I’m not), I’m just being some weird, diluted version of me.

I know it’s not my “job” to make others feel comfortable. Intellectually, I understand this, but emotionally/socially, I’m not quite prepared...

But what I wanted to say most of all was thank you. Anyone who is able to be your friend is incredibly fortunate. You have so much to offer...more than you realise, dear friend. With love and affection xoxox

Lovely Mandy: what a powerful post. I love it! I like seeing a bit of spark in you. Then, again I’m a thunderstorm after all, so of course I would say that 😉

I’m actually, despite how it appears, okay with myself. I don’t love or hate myself. I just “am.” My issue is more about how I’m aware of my impact on others/how I might accidentally make others feel, which makes me hold back a lot...

Thank you for also encouraging me to be undiluted me. I don’t even 100% know who she is anymore, but I do catch glimpses of her here and there. Out of characters. Love and care xoxo

[demonblaster]

You're a beautiful person Peppystar 🤗

Much love to you and concern, dont like you being unhappy.

You/we have amazing friends here 🤗💗👋

🌹👀

[Ggrand]

Dearest Gentlest Peppy,

Yep..What Deebi said...Your a beautiful person Peppystar....and beautiful persons..deserve beautiful roses...🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹...13 beautiful roses, because 13 is my favourite number...I hope those 13 roses 🌹 will bring you some peace,...and light in your Comeing days.........I’m sorry that your not doing to well..We all,Love and care for you so much....

Love and hugs 💜🤗.

Gandy...

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely people,

As always, a heartfelt thank you to all of you 🙂

Wonderful DB: Yes, we do have some incredible friends here (including you). I’m truly grateful for every one of you.

Thank you so much for you words of love and support. I felt your words from the depths of you lioness’ heart 🙂

Super soul hugs to you and much love xoxo

Gorgeous Grandy: thank you so much for visiting, especially when I know you’re still at hospital. What a huge heart you have as well...

The 13 roses brought a smile to my face. Rough day today so the flowers are extra appreciated...I’ll put them in some sort of artsy vase/jar/bottle. Then when they start to wilt. I’ll hang them upside down to dry, and I can keep them forever 😉

Comforting hugs to you. Love and care xoxo

[startingnew]

Hi Dear Peps, sorry its taken me so long so come back to you.

Im glad you resonated with my post, I was hoping I wasnt to off track.
I get what you mean about being perceptive, ive been told that as well and I seem to hmm adjust? To that person/people which I guess can become quite a pickle when your trying to be 'you' and not like everyone else sort of thing. Yes like loosing yourself instead of working out who you are no matter who your with. I guess most people change how they act depending on who they are with, thats why so many have that unanswered question of 'who am I?'

How have you been going the past few days? Have you seen any more butterflies?

Sending much love, hugs and butterflies
Dusk Till Dawn

🦋💕🌈💐🖤❤💚💌