Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[startingnew]

P.S i meantioned you in the pearls thread

[quirkywords]

Pepper,

I know you aren't posting this weekend but in case you are reading, I want say I hear you and admire your tenacity.

Sending kind thoughts

Quirky xx

[Peppermintbach]

Guys,

Butterfly (SN) and Quirky, thank you. I don't know what else to say other than thank you. It means a lot and I'm struggling to find the words.

Right now, I'm feeling borderline hysterical, which for me is very uncharacteristic. I feel like a royal screw-up for a myriad of reasons.

Accepting that dynamic between my parents is infinitely harder to face than any abuse that I have experienced personally. I don't know how to explain it...it's just worse for me...I feel complicit by not doing anything about it. The thinking side of me says that's not rational thinking but the emotional side has other ideas...as it often does...

Not to mention how I feel as though I have hurt Sez (waves meekly) and no matter how many times I say sorry, I'm not sure it's enough. She once said that she felt maternal towards you and I, BN, and you know how people sometimes joke about how there is an angel child and demonic one? Well, you bring butterflies, sunshine and joy; I bring lightning, rain and thunder (closes eyes in shame).

So, in short, I feel:

- complicit

- guilty

- out of control

BN, I sincerely appreciate your detailed, validating post. I'm a little too overwhelmed to respond...thank you

Quirky, thanks...only admirable if you like lightning, rain and thunder lol; I am a triple threat and not in a good way...

Also, I can usually contain my feelings but right now...it's like I'm having emotional explosions everywhere- my thread and posts is a reflection of some of it.

I need to go calm down...I am becoming beyond ridiculous...usually my posts (on my own thread anyway) are more measured but right now, I don't even know my head from my toes...

Love to all,

Pepper xoxo

[startingnew]

BN? now Peps




that sort of thinking is really common. More common than what you think. I can guarentee a lot of people who come to the realisation you have have the same thoughts when in fact you couldnt have done anything. The power was totally out of your hands and being young you wouldnt have known what was going on and probably grew up thinking it as normal.




Sez is going through a lot of things. Im not sure if you were on her thread when the other member was there so you couldnt have known there closeness. It was a valid question for someone who didnt know. Im sure she will forgive you.


You are NOT demonic! No bloody way are you demonic. Theres nothing about you that shows or says that you are. You are helping many people on here including me- take last night for example.




You dont have to respond. Its ok I just thought id let my thoughts out. You can answer in your own time or not at all.


Your feelings you said are going abit haywire. That is understandable. Is there any way you can either just let them flow. Take my hand and just let the waves crash over you and rememer they will flatten. Even the biggest waves loose power.

Would you like me to help you through a grounding exercise step by step. Im online now and can help you through bit by bit. I find being talked through them can help- would you be up for that?

[quirkywords]

Pepper, I wish I could comfort and reassure you. In the middle of your pain you took the time to write on my thread that is how wonderful and considerate you are.

Remember our deal.Well I have accepted the kind things you say about me but you continue to dismiss the many positive things people say about you.

THe only person you are hurting is yourself and that makes me sad.

I know you are not in a place to read this properly but many here care for you so please care for yourself.

Quirky xxx

[Peppermintbach]

Morning,

I have, thank goodness, calmed down. I have returned to some semblance of emotional equilibrium, that being sadness in my case. But Sadness and I are long time "frenemies" so I can handle her (much) better than Panic and Anxiety 😉

A huge and heartfelt thank you to Butterfly Wings (SN) and Quirky for being there. The fact that you were there meant a lot to me.

Butterfly- you wear your big 💗 on your sleeve. It's a beautiful quality. Your offer to walk me through a grounding exercise was loving and showed a genuine desire to help. Thank you.

Quirky- thank you, I appreciate all the kind words and compliments. Yeah, I'm not the best at accepting compliments...you are a gorgeous soul 🌟

Everyone- I have been thinking about my "lightning, thunder and rain" and you know what? I think that I'm okay with it. After all, when the storm subsides, sometimes there is a rainbow and the grass grows greener (right?)

Look, I am flawed. I mess up. I eff up. I say the wrong thing; I do the wrong thing.

I often have a dark cloud that hovers overhead wherever I go (i.e. the sadness and weight in my heart). I am not saying this to beat myself up ; I am saying this because my darker side and mistakes are a part of me as much as the lighter side. The 2 don't exist in separate vacuums; they co-exist.

What I am saying is, like everyone else, I have layers. I am not a poorly developed 2-dimensional movie character. I am neither good nor bad; I'm both. I would love for people to accept both parts of me: light/dark and good/bad and the entire spectrum between the 2 polarities.

Sometimes- and it might be in my own head or maybe I'm projecting a childhood issue- I feel the pressure to fit a certain "mould" on these forums. I just want to be me: imperfect, flawed and layered. Multi-dimensional.

Some days I'm nice, some days I can be a b**** Some days I'm strong, some days I quit

I don't let it show, but I've been through some s***

- Pretty Girl, Maggie Lindemann

So yeah, here's to Pepper and her many layers.

Here is to layers and intricacy.

Here is to the nuanced individual that I am. I am not everyone's cup of tea but I am who I am.

Cheers.

Love,

Pepper xoxo

[quirkywords]

Pepper,

I like the idea of many layers. I might use it as a basis for a question i. My thread if that's ok.

I think we all struggle with our different parts. Acknowledging that there are sides to ourself we don't like or are awkward with is big step.

I like you just the way you are. From your very first post that I read I could tell what a refreshingly honest fascinating soul you were and I was right.

Keep on being you.

You know that Oscar Wilde quote

Be yourself because everyone else is taken.

Love

Quirky xxoo

[Peppermintbach]

Cool Quirky,

I like your layers too although I suspect we haven't even seen the half of it yet 😉

I happen to like highly nuanced, complex, layered people so you fit the bill!!!

Go ahead...ask away...you might get some interesting responses...

Love,

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sara,

I know you're resting (and I'm glad you're looking after you) and I don't expect you to read this any time soon. But I'm laying my heart out bare for you.

This isn't an apology but call it heart to heart if you will...I'm a little frightened of your response but I'll give this a go anyway. See, I am a trouble maker. Lol

As I said in an earlier post, I have layers. Good ones, bad ones and downright ugly ones. I'm flawed in every sense of the word. I'm not saying this to put myself down but i am telling you who I am.

I lack the innocence and sweetness of Butterfly (hey there btw :)) I'm a lot more prickly, trouble making and intense: if she's butterflies, sunshine and honey then I'm lightning, rain and thunder. I'm showing you another side of me: a more serious, darker side but it's still me at the end of the day.

Maybe I have been so difficult and messy because you got to me. Hit a nerve. Touched my heart of hearts even long before I realised.

I know, without a doubt, you have changed me from when I read your posts long before you were Just Sara and long before you were Sara Connor and before you were a Community Champion. When you were Dizzy.

I don't always listen. I argue and am determined to do things "my way." But I am me. I don't know how to express the extent that I care about you but it's a deep, deep love.

Know without a doubt that you have helped me feel loved and nurtured. That has been your greatest gift to me: your love. I will try to be more open as I never want to shut you out. You have changed me for the better. More raw. More human.

Maybe I'm asking for too much but I hope one day you can accept me for who I am: all the different parts and sides of me. If you read this, maybe don't respond right away. Have a think about it and come back. I love you just as you are...all the different sides...

I will leave the hand holding to SN but if I could, I would play you a song or piece instead 🙂 Holding you in my heart and music.

I love you dearly,

Pepper xoxoxoxoxo

[startingnew]

Good morning Peps and everyone here


I would always help you through. Even if it meant staying up all night just talking to you.




You have just accepted a wonderful part of who you are because you are right after the storm subsides things brighten and often make things more beautiful. Im really glad your ok with this.


You can be whoever you want to be , but more importantly I want you to be you. Dont mould into something your not. Be you, stay true.