Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Just Sara]

Dearest Pepper;

I wasn't going to post today, but looking thru your thread I couldn't stay silent. This is your 100th post btw...congrat's!! Woo-hoo!

Your above post to me is exquisite, endearing and beautiful. I'm humbled, hopeful and nurtured by your words; by 'you'. Thankyou for pouring your softness out as you have...I'm honoured, and happy you've found that light.

I've come out of my emotional turmoil with insight and clarity. Specifically; loving someone can hurt, even destroy my sense of being. Hard lessons and beliefs learned over time that scare the bejesus out of me.

I was triggered by 'bonding' with two young women I've never met; you and Essen. That realisation was 'felt' before it was understood; a common reality for ptsd. I have a feeling you've been going thru a similar turmoil.

We use expressive words and sentiments when posting and try to stay at a 'safe' distance emotionally to avoid complex involvement. As a Champ, I've known about this for some time.

In this case though, the proverbial horse has bolted. We three have become (non dna) 'family' and that means responsibility and accountability.

My history of bonding with people I perceive as vulnerable is fraught with mistakes and hurt. So for me, this is an opportunity for a lesson in appropriate boundaries.

It doesn't mean I can't 'love'; it means I need to love as a functional adult, not unconditionally as a wounded scared child. For me to 'give and receive' love effectively, I want to find other ways than what I've learnt in the past...to be the best I can be for you both as well as myself.

I probably could've written this on my thread, but it's a prelude to my next post to you. I still care deeply for you Pepper; as a positive/functional maternal figure as well as a fellow recovering adult. 🙂

Love always...

Sara xoxo

[Just Sara]

Hi again lovely P-girl; (You too Essen! You grabbed the 100th post before me! Awe, ne-mind)

This is ongoing from my last post...

If I could, I'd like to visit something you wrote earlier;
'Accepting that dynamic between my parents is infinitely harder to face than any abuse that I have experienced personally. I don't know how to explain it...it's just worse for me...I feel complicit by not doing anything about it'

I've highlighted 'complicit' because it probably explains who you've become more than any other word you've written to date. It's a disturbingly common feeling among children of DV. I of all people know this.

Please take these words seriously ok? "You weren't complicit, you were/are a traumatised 'witness'!" Ptsd isn't just experienced by people being abused, research shows it's also felt by 'innocent' bystanders; sometimes worse than those abused.

When ongoing abuse occurs in families, the hardest issue to cope with is 'waiting'. When will it happen again? How bad will it be? Why does he/she still do it? How can I avoid it? How can I help? Is it my fault? It's 4pm; he/she'll be home soon, better prepare for the worst.

And don't forget about being the 'perfect' little girl/teen. "If I can just do/be good enough, things'll get better"

If you have a look at your response to my words recently, it first shows anger/disappointment, then, self - loathing, deprecation, blame and thoughts of your parents came into the picture. Do you see what I'm getting at? Patterns.

There's nothing to forgive ok? Being flawed and having courage to explore that, makes you perfeck! In my eyes you're growing and accepting being 'you' despite your past. Mighty, mighty...

BB is for 'outing' hidden wounds and behaviours in safety too, and that's what you've done. I'm so proud of you!

Have I claimed to be Miss Innocent all my life? Of course not, I've been Queen of the Bitches at times. It comes from fear, helplessness and anger, all a Molotov cocktail when unleashed.

You're normal considering what you've gone thru, so allowing yourself to bond with me is opening up to love again; we all are. How amazing! Who knows what the future will bring?

You're loving maternal friend and confidante;

Sara xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sara,

I am deeply moved by your posts especially as I was not expecting you to post today. Thanks for taking the time to do that despite everything that you're going through. I'm relieved too as I was thinking "this could go really well or really badly." Thank you.

You sound much calmer and more focused; both feet on the ground. I hear you- a healthier love. Learning to love without it destroying you or losing your sense of "self". I hope you're super proud of yourself for that incredible piece of insight.

I have to admit that I still cringe when I read some of posts but it's okay, the cringe worthy posts are "part" of me too 😉 I have been something of an emotional cyclone the past month, which I know that you- and many others- have noticed too. Oh dear...I can sort of see the humour in it too...sometimes you just have to laugh.

A lot of it was fear based, I think. I knew it too but my emotions were ruling the place (my reasoning/thinking side was shoved to a corner by my emotions). I was just scared...like a child....sighs...

Intellectually, I hear what you're saying about the complicity (and I agree). But emotionally? It's a different story. Yeah, accepting the DV was/is 1000x harder than the abuse that I personally experienced (by someone else- not my dad). Confusion and complicity are the 2 dominant feelings.

Thanks for your acceptance and patience with me. I definitely do bring the lightning, rain and thunder but I'm okay with that 🙂 Besides, lightning makes for fantastic photography material anyway. I guess what I'm trying to say is "imperfection and layers."

So if you see a downpour or are caught in a storm, it's me saying hi ⛈ Always keep an umbrella in your bag, okay? Lol.

Here is to healthy love and bonding 💞

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hey Butterfly,

What a beautiful post 🙂 Thank you, that means a lot.

Yes, sometimes the aftermath of a storm is chaos but other times, we get rainbows and greener plants and grass 🙂 I'm okay with both and thank you for understanding that.

Yes, I'll be me....still figuring "me" out but "layers" and imperfection is a good start, I think.

I hope you enjoy drawing tonight 🙂

Love,

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

Dear D-Girl;

Just a quick notation; 'lightning' is symbolic for 'The Quickening'. I think its origins are from the Temple of Apollo (Pompeii) where 2 immortals battled in 79AD. 80's TV series 'The Highlander' was created around it.

Due to lightning's extreme amount of energy/electricity, the EMF of everything around during a strike is quickened. You can feel it sometimes in a storm when your skin feels eerie and hair stands on end.

That boost of energy affects emotions mostly, but also has the benefit of speeding up recovery (healing) by bringing out people's core strength and courage.

In Oz, Aborigine's relied on lightning to regenerate vegetation growth.

Therefore, if you're lightning, you bring with you a healing power that helps others recover faster than if you're not in their lives.

The legend also speaks of cutting 'their' head off to speed up healing. This I think, represents getting someone out of their heads and into their heart and core.

And rain? Tears of course; cleansing both the earth and our souls. Thunder is Thor; legendary Norseman God wielding his mighty Hammer defeating earthly foes.

Pepper = lightning, thunder and rain...a mighty healing force in the Universe. 🙂 Ha! Just another day at the office lecturing my head off; so to speak. lol

It doesn't matter what you throw at me, I'll always find the positive in it. And yes, I will think of you when it storms.

Have a lovely day my sweet...

Sez xo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez,

Aw your post made my day 🙂 So it seems you have enrolled me in an online Ancient Mythology 101 unit lol.

I didn't know too much about all the stories, history and beliefs that were associated with lighting, rain and thunder. Although I do know about Thor except most of my "knowledge" comes from the movie starring Chris Hemsworth so I'm not sure how closely they followed Thor's mythology.

Thanks for the encouragement and vote of confidence. It means a lot; more than you know. I hope you're managing okay in your travels. Think of you often.

Love you,

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

Ahhh...Hemsie...

What a hunk of a man's man. Drooling...he's perrrdy. 😉

Huh? Lost my train of thought there for a mo. Umm..

Giggling...

Anytime you need a 101 in anything just give me a burl ok? lol Oh God I snorted while I was laughing! ha ha ha I'm so bloody magnanimously humble...he he (oxymoron) !! Still laughing..

Sorry, I might have to come back later when my nervous laughter's in control.

Love ya back Jack!

Sez xoxox

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely Sez,

I am glad you're enjoying thinking about Hemsworth. Lol! Glad you're smiling. Just don't fall off that chair from laughter though! Lol.

I'll keep you in mind if I need a crash course in anything 😉

Love you always,

Pepper xoxo

[quirkywords]

Sara I enjoy reading about mythology. Those gods got up to a lot of mischief and then some more.

I find them fascinating especially the Norse ones. I liked the lesson- when will test be??

Pepper, how are you today? Did you manage to wake up full of energy?

I feel old as I don't think I could recognise one Hemsworth from the other. I still pine for Clark Gable and Gregory Peck.

Take care

Quirky

[startingnew]

Hey Peps

im not really sure what to say

but i missed you and im hoping your ok

lots of love and hugs

BW xoxoxox