Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Dearest Jojo,

Today was hard and sucked. Work is a nightmare, especially for a colleague i care for.

I also saw my psychologist for the first time since hospital again. She actually apologised as everyone has fallen into the trap of micromanaging me, including her. I felt so guilty.

Feeling really low jojo, not sure I can do work tomorrow. But need to.

My GP was mortified to learn that I had no follow up after my manic visit to hospital. It was kinda funny.

I just wish I knew what God wants from me apart from death? I seriously just long for it as I am so weak. When will I be strong enough to make it happen?

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry to hear you are feeling really low and work is difficult right now. I am glad your psychologist apologised as I sometimes wonder if you are falling through the cracks in the mental health system.

I can assure you God does not want you to die. God is love and all about life. And God accepts you just the way you are. So please hold onto life Saree as God loves you so much and wants to see you thrive and grow as a person.

You do belong and have a place. There is only one of you. You are unique xox

With much love dear friend. Jojo 🌼🤗🙏

[Saree_p]

Hey Jojo,

I cant do this. I cant face work tomorrow.
I'm just a failure that cant succeed.

God has done nothing but curse me. I've failed him.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Saree,

We're sorry to hear that work is so tough at the moment. Please know that you are not a failure; success can look many different ways, and sometimes it is just making it moment to moment. We are getting in touch privately to check in.

We hope you can find something tonight that can bring you some comfort and peace.

[smallwolf]

Hey Saree. Sorry I have been away for so long!

What if I said that God was suffering with you?

(I would reply about others telling you about failure, but will leave that to another post.)

with all the complication, problems or issues you are dealing with in the last pages of your story, you are a strong person and with the things you have spoken about your reaction is understandable.

Also what made you feel guilty? With your psychologist apologising and GP being mortified it sounds as though they are also trying hard to do the right thing by you and support you at this time. And here Jojo has been a great source of support to you.

your posts here are sharing how you are is success - you are being true to yourself.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

What has changed with work? Just recently you were promoted to the leadership team so that is definitely a very successful outcome. It also shows that you are intelligent and very good at your job. So you are far from being a failure.

I am glad Sophie is going to check in with you as perhaps having a new perspective will make things clearer to you.

How has your mood been and are you eating and sleeping? Are you still having problems with your liver and gut as that could be contributing to the way you are feeling?

I can assure you God has not cursed you. God wants only the best for you and to see you healthy and well. And you have not failed God. You are struggling with a mental illness which makes it very difficult to function at times. God understands each and every struggle you have had. I continue to pray on your behalf that you are comforted, strengthened and able to cope with everything life throws at you.

Please google a song by: Tuva & Mia called ‘I won’t let go’. It expresses what I would like to say to you and how much I want to support you through this time xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🙏

[Saree_p]

Sorry all,

Work is chaos, but yes I'm being promoted or trained up but coping bullying and office changes. Walked in today to a bunch of changes.

I failed. I left work.

I just keep failing

[Saree_p]

Now my partner has come home shitty at me too.... what's the point.
Just a failure

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Don’t give up! Change is hard especially when it involves work and also when you are struggling with mental health issues at the same time. I am sure you are not the only one at work finding it difficult.

Give work a chance to settle down and let yourself adjust to things. You are very intelligent so I’m sure you will soon manage to cope.

Thinking of you dear friend xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🙏👋

[Saree_p]

Coukdnt get into work today again. So useless.

Sorry for failing