Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Hang in there Saree you can do this. And a big pat on the back for getting this far. It is early days and I am hoping you will get something out of the next few weeks.

What is it that is bothering you the most about being in hospital?

Try and do some writing while you are there. I used to carry a notebook and pen with me and did some of my best writing whilst in hospital especially if I was manic! Art was also another good outlet for me.

I am hoping and praying you can go the distance and come home happier and less up and down xox

Thinking of you. With lots of love and a virtual hug Jojo 🌼🤗💐

[Saree_p]

Hi all,

Sorry.

I simply don't feel I belong. I keep getting told i need to be able to slow down but I cant. There is nothing wrong with me!!

If you look at the others here you can see why, but I'm fine. Yet everyone looks at me as tho I'm the odd one. I'm the one with a full time job that exercises and has healthy habits.

Group work sucks jojo, today was hell. I gained nothing with it at all, instead was utterly bored.

Not quite sure what the point is of being here anymore and simply want the normal routine.

Almost ran off today, was enjoying outside so much just wanted to go.

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I can understand the feeling of not belonging as everyone else presumably appears very unwell. Try not to compare yourself to others. You are high functioning, go to work, exercise and live a healthy life. They are all positives, however, not being able to slow down could be a problem if you burn yourself out.

I think you are probably there to learn to have less ups and downs - to sort of fine tune your mental health. I am so proud of you for not doing a runner as that could be a setback.

I am sorry you are not enjoying the group work. Hopefully that will improve. It often depends on who runs the group and obviously the subject matter.

Are you able to relate to any of the staff as that often really helps?

Try and push on through this time even though it must be very hard xox

With lots of love and hugs Jojo 🌼🤗🐉

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

Everyone else doesn't really function in the outside world, but there is also nothing particularly wrong with them. I'm with 5 other people of which I'd say 1 is unwell.

The nursing staff have focused on me a fair bit because apparently I've been very unwell.

I didnt realise it but I was getting manic, even on my medication. Was sleeping literally 45 mins a night.
Got a PRN and calmed down. Now crashed, slept 14 hours saturday night and 12 hours last night. Not getting up to exercise, just cant.

Psychiatrist is altering meds and changing one over the next few weeks.
Keep hearing about how I have to tackle trauma issues and how they are affecting the cycles. Bit over it as I don't think its there but everyone else does.

One of the nurses I knew from 10+ years ago, so that's been good. A couple of others I get along with ok. Had an art therapy group today and the psychologist who ran that I liked. She was explaining all these experiences she's done and I could so relate. Basically manic states.

Still want to go home. Not sure why cant so this as an outpatient.

The negative side has really kicked in and I'm being told to separate the negative self talk from myself. It feels impossible.

How are you Jojo?

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

That’s great you can relate to some of the staff and remember a nurse from years ago. Hopefully that will help you cope better. Sounds like you had a really helpful art therapy session. I always found art to be a useful outlet.

You mentioned you hadn’t realised you were becoming manic. I can totally relate to that as I often felt really well, able to function at a high level and didn’t need much sleep. The problem was it happened so fast that I never had a chance to notice what was happening or grasp that I was actually very unwell.

Nowadays if I am not sleeping I take a prn as I know what the consequences can be. Also I have given my friends permission to ring mental health services on my behalf if they are worried about me or think I am becoming unwell. This has helped me stay out of hospital.

With time I am sure you will figure out ways to realise you are becoming manic before it escalates too far. I hope the change of meds helps and it is probably best done as an inpatient so hang on in there you are doing really well.

Take good care of yourself xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo and all,

Sorry for not responding earlier. Been in a bit of a rut, and mood shifts due to medication changes.

Think we are now seeing some positive changes from the meds. Psychiatrist has given me a release date. Hopefully he will have formed what his diagnosis is and treatment plan. Like I need another diagnosis. Guess he just wants to run off his. I don't know, is that normal or just because my history is everywhere. I guess that is what we want from this admission.

Sorry. Defiantly haven't found hospital that helpful, however if it helps with the meds as its appeared to do, then I guess its another step in right direction.

[smallwolf]

Hey Saree. I know (?) you can be a little like me and find or look for the negative in any situation. Feel free to tell me if I am incorrect. You mentioned positive changes in you and come to the conclusion your psychiatrist wants to run off?

Perhaps re-framing?

Do you feel that things are getting better for you? I would think the positive changes you are reporting would required an updated plan for you. And if things are on the improve then ...

It would also be logical that if previous experiences were not helpful you would see this in the same vein.

At the same time there has to be some sort of circuit breaker to change things around. Could this be that time. I am hoping for you it might be this. Small steps as long as we moving fowards.

[Saree_p]

Hi Tim,

Yes there were positives, but also costs.

Result is confirmed diagnosis of Bipolar and trauma and medication more cemented.

Guess all positive. I'd just hoped that there was a solution not a life long problem

Hard to explain but feel rather deflated and alone atm. Trying to ascertain if it's worth continuing to try.

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am glad to hear they have finally sorted out your medication and your diagnosis. That sounds positive to me even though the process of being an inpatient was quite an ordeal for you.

How do you feel now you are home? Have you gone back to work yet?

Very well done for sticking with the programme- I am so proud of you. Hopefully this is a new start for you. Of course it is worthwhile to keep trying. You have a life to live Saree, and you have survived the last few weeks - so make them count for something.

Take good care of yourself xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🧐

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

I guess I was purely wishing for another response, I know you do not see the diagnosis as a problem, but I am struggling with the reality this is it. As along the way every diagnosis has not even been stable so part of me was under the belief that this was not the true diagnosis either.

I know that this sounds really silly, but I was hoping. I really just wanted it to be something I can fix, but I can't.

Release from hospital is also throwing me. It threw me to be admitted but now struggling to just be. Really should've gone back to work sooner. I go back on Monday.

My partner is very logical and is simply confirming what he already knew and now its fine. Just feel like I am not coping and can't tell anyone.

Sorry