Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Sorry all,

Sorry Sophie, I really struggle with phones and often can not pick them up or make a call.

Tim. There are quite a few quotes lol.

I like your idea of an inspiration book. I guess I do this in my head. For example, I currently sit here typing the words and am even able to laugh etc, I see all i have to look forward to, but none of it takes away the feelings. And I guess that is the illogical nature of it all.

Atm it is constantly a glimmer of hope and then either side. The lower stated hurt me more but the higher states hurt my partner. Either state and im pretty useless at work.

Sorry. I'll post now. Loosing thoughts and going into tangents,

Thanks all,
Saree

[Sophie_M]

Hi again Saree,

We understand talking on the phone isn't for everyone. That's why our support service is available by email (you can expect a reply within 24 hours) or from 3pm-midnight AEST every day by webchat (so in a little under 10 minutes from now) via https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support. These services are free and available if ever you feel like some additional support from the qualified mental health professionals at our support service.

As you of course know, our valued online forums community are also here to offer peer support, advice and as much conversation as you need.
 

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry to hear you are feeling at your lowest again. Sometimes it is hard to know how this has come about as it can happen suddenly. You just have to push on through it which I know is easier said than done. Try to keep busy and distract yourself as much as possible.

Do you go out much or do you prefer staying home? If you can manage it I found going for a walk always helped (even if you don’t feel like it). Go feed the ducks or take photographs anything to give yourself a new focus.

When I become manic I take my camera everywhere and take hundreds of photos. They usually are quite interesting as I like taking abstract images.

Also continue to write as that helps get your emotions out of your head. Anytime I have had an episode I have always written and found it very helpful. I also make collages which is a good way to express the inexpressible.

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time xox

With lots of love and hugs Jojo 🌼🤗🐉

[Saree_p]

Dear Jojo,

Sorry for my late response. Simply not enough hours in a day - or more so not enough energy to complete tasks in a day.

Thanks for all the wonderful suggestions, I have tried them 😊

I have been trying to maintain a routine of exercise in the morning and a walk at night (weather permitting). It's really hard to maintain atm. I even got a new laptop and haven't had the energy to open it, use it, turn it on etc. I got it for the purpose of writing more - actual stories - but when things are like this, I simply struggle to write. There is nothing, nothing comes to mind and just yeah, all the creation and story flow disappears.

I had a catch up with my psychologist on Thursday and she could tell. Even more so when my mask disappeared after 30 mins and I was purely exhausted. Ended up texting my psychiatrist yesterday because the extreme panic/anxiety/fear/paranoia has returned. I just feel like someone is watching me and keep jumping at everything. He wants me to be admitted in 2 weeks if that is possible. So I guess that just going to be what happens. Doesn't help the right now, not quite sure how to calm down, previously he has told me to take the extra dosage of an antipsychotic but he was more focused on hospital this time. Really really don't like the idea of it Jojo!

On positive news. I arranged a couple of week back to visit some friends for dinner tonight. They haven't seen us since we got engaged, so a bit of a whoop whoop and play a game. I was so psyched for it, but now I'm dreading it a bit. Just scared I will overreact, become too jumpy, etc, or fall asleep or cry. But I agreed to it in the first place, and I guess I hear your voice telling me to go.

What are your plans for the weekend?

Saree 🤗

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

You don’t have to apologise as I know what it’s like when energy levels are low. I’m glad you have got the laptop on standby for when you are more motivated to write.

That’s good you were able to catch up with your psychologist and also talk to your psychiatrist. Try not to worry about hospital too much as it could very well be the thing that balances out your moods. You have nothing to lose and is definitely worth trying. After each of my admissions I have always come home in a much better headspace.

You are right! I would encourage you to go to dinner with your friends. You may have mixed feelings, however, it sounds like it would be a good distraction and hopefully will lift your mood.

On Friday night I had a pizza and movie night with my best friend. We started watching one movie but it was too gory so we then watched one called Fractured which I wouldn’t recommend as it’s a bit creepy. Today I went out for coffee and a walk with my friend Wayne. The weather was just perfect, however, we are expecting a storm front to come through tomorrow.

So take care and I hope you enjoy yourself tonight xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🙋‍♀️

[Saree_p]

Boo all,

I went, we had a good night. Talked a lot about the engagement which kind of made me sad as we were not able to celebrate it really.

We have been organising the hospital visit Jojo. It's now being finalised and is a lot longer than we were expecting. Initially it was supposed to be for 2 weeks. Now the psychiatrist wants me in there for 3 weeks. I am really really scared and terrified. I can't explain why but the concept of hospitalisation terrifies me. not sure about this at all. Work have been great and simply accepted it without an issue, but that's not the point. I really don't want to go in and feel completely and utterly terrified.

Most of the week has been around organising this, so my anxiety has been up and I've barely kept food down, but yes managed to put weight on.... how you might ask, so do I. Really want to disappear into another planet or realm.

How have you been Jojo?

How has everyone else been?

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am so glad you met up with your friends and despite everything you had a good night. With regards to your engagement there is no reason why you can’t have a post engagement party.

As far as hospital goes I do understand your terror about being admitted. At the beginning of my illness that was me too. However when I finally was admitted, once I settled in I found I could cope. Often the thought of something is worse than the actual reality. I learned quite a lot from the groups on the ward and they also were a good distraction.

So I will be thinking of you and look forward to hearing how you go xox

With lots of love and a big hug Jojo 🌼🤗👋

[Saree_p]

Hi all,

First night in hospital. I really want out. I just want to be home.

Sorry

[Sophie_M]

Hey Saree_p,

Thank you for keeping us updated on how you're going. We're really sorry to hear that you're finding things so difficult right now but please know we're here to give you as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We hope you also know that support is always available to you if you'd like to talk through these feelings. Our Support Service is available, anytime, on 1300 22 4636 or you can get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
In addition to this, the counsellors at Lifeline and Suicide Call Back Service are also always available to talk through these feelings with you:

• Lifeline - 13 11 14 (online chat available 7pm-12am) 
• Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467 (online chat available 24/7)

Please feel free to keep reaching out here and let us know how you're going, whenever you feel ready. We're all here for you.

[smallwolf]

Hey Saree_p, Still here. Sorry to hear to you struggling at the moment. We are all here for you - Tim