Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Good to hear from you. Congratulations to you and your partner on your engagement. Do you have a date in mind or is that too early to decide?

Did you manage to get your gastric problem sorted out?

Sorry to hear you are not travelling so well. Have you decided to keep seeing the psych team after all? Hope work is going well for you if you have returned.

You are in my thoughts xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗💐

[Saree_p]

Thanks Tim and Jojo.

We are looking at october/September 2022.
We have just brought our unit and would like to hold off on wedding so can save and do honeymoon. Basically best decision for long term gain.

Jojo, the meds are starting to work. My psychologist now reckons im getting to a point we can work on therapeutic stuff. She adamant there is trauma.
Supposed to see psychiatrist tomorrow again. Just scared of the medication. Don't like the fact as last discussed.

Unfortunately I've just hit the real tired phase and just sad.

I guess I've felt so much better with this medication change (comparatively) and it should only get better. Everyone around me had noted a huge difference.

Work had been great. Apart from don't want to be there atm. They have been so accommodating and understanding. My boss has just noticed the change.

Thanks guys, hope ur all well

[smallwolf]

Does it sounds like things are on the improve for you, even if slightly. If I can summarise the positives -

• upcoming marriage
• bought a unit
• meds starting to work
• work great and boss has noticed change

Did I miss anything?

What is it though about work that you dont want to be there at the moment? (I dont want to distract from the positives though.)

As for me... life goes on. Think that was a reminder to update my own storyline.

Tim

[Saree_p]

Hi Tim,

Whilst there are so many positives and I should be able to see them, I can't.

the negative thoughts are hitting hard and fast. There is no reason or justification. I should be the opposite right now.

I don't know. Feel like I can't go on anymore.

[Saree_p]

Sorry Tim and Jojo,

I know that isn't fair.

Context. Psychiatrist appointment today - yes more meds change as expected - but because I am low there was a huge focus on me. I simply wanted to run. Since leaving my partner has tried to assure me he isn't upset but I know he is frustrated with my lack of ability to communicate (as per normal, never can I convey how depraved my thinking is). It wasn't till I broke down in tears in the car that he understood, I just could hold it in anymore and got upset by him telling me to speak louder. I just lost it. I picked up my medication, went to the supermarket and the bottle shop - shouldn't have and partner would be upset if he knew.

I've come home, done what was needed and collapsed. My partner is happily distracted playing video games yet I've tried to do some work, but don't care about it at all.

I just simply don't see the point. Part of me knows that if I give it a week I will be fine, but it just feels like the end of the world and I should give in.

I just feel upset (for no reason) and like i should end it (no reason).

[smallwolf]

I actually get it Saree.

I did not get excited when [insert-event-here] and that was just the way I view(ed) my life. And I used the analogy of the positives and negatives on a set of scales, but the negatives have the weight of a brick and positives the weight of a feather. So I have to either increase the weight of the positive, or take a hammer to the negative.

Fwiw... I struggle talking about some things that I mention to my psychologist with my wife. Why? As illogical as the argument seems when you tell your partner is very real in my mind - that I am useless, a fake, a fraud. (It gets worse.) And so we stumble on through the day, til the next day starts...

Peace to you,

Tim

[Saree_p]

Thanks Tim,

I'm sorry for being a negative Nancy.

Due to med change i am too unwell to go to work today, which sucks as I'm stuck home with my head.

Its beyond negative and the thoughts are dark. I'm really not sure what to do any more. I just want it to stop.

[smallwolf]

so my office is the church office. I work as parish administrator and do my IT from there. The Priest in Charge is thinking about having me work from home and I am not that keen as it was my unsafe place some time ago.

I can imagine that you would like to to stop and not sure what you could use as a circuit breaker (for lack of a better word). Yet there is an inner strength in you that you make it through each day whereby we can talk the next.

And if you were interested in what I was working on today.... for the church it was all Convid-19 stuff.

[Saree_p]

Thanks Tim,

Hope you are ok!!

Think I've stuffed up everything. done trying any longer

[smallwolf]

what you do think you have stuffed up? what is everything?

me... doing as well as can be.