Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[smallwolf]

Hey Saree - the fires did not get me. My brother in law family had to evac. twice last week and are OK. Just thought I would pop in to ask how you are doing?

Jojo - Hope you are going OK also. Do you have anyone that you have to talk to about your brother? Thinking of you and your brother also.

Tim

[Saree_p]

Sorry Tim,
Been slack in replying.

Jojo how are you going?

In response Tim, wheels have well and truly fallen off.
Apparently another heightened stage which I got sick during.... didn't register apart from when fluid was on chest and couldn't breathe. Saw the psych again during heightened stage, didn't want or need to but partner insisted. Anyways. Guess was sick but had all the energy in the world.
We tried the medication from GP after I started freaking out and paranoia kicked in but made it so much worse. I said they would as they did previously. Unipolar antidepressants.... Anyways.... Now I'm sinking fast and badly. Day 9 of heightened state.... collapsed after gym session this morning, rapidly declining. The transitions are so quick and I can't do anything about it.

I don't want to be here again. Why does everyone have an issue when I'm happy.... N now everyone else is relieved but I'm the opposite.

Sorry. Hope makes some sense. Haven't been for ages and everyone has been looking at me like I'm a disease of late.

I give up. I just can't do this part of the cycle anymore

[smallwolf]

Yeah. You make sense (I think) - it sounds like there are two states, one high(ish) and one low and going from high to low happens quite fast. At least that is my understanding. I guess being sick at the same time does not help at all either.

I went and did a google search on unipolar antidepressant and all I got back was references to medical articles. *update* I added what is and got the answer ... I think.

I am guessing that you are familiar with antidepressants and know that it can be a bit of a guessing game or process of elimination to work out the best medication - at least for me.

How are you sessions with your psychologist going?

Tim

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree & Tim

Sorry I have not been posting lately, but I needed some time out as I wasn’t sleeping and have been extremely worried about my brother. I am trying to track him down which is proving difficult as he is not in my area. I now have a few leads which I will follow up. I am really worried about his state of mind and welfare.

Hope you are going much better now Saree as you sounded quite unwell physically and were still having ups and downs.

How are the sessions with the psychologist going and have you seen the psychiatrist yet?

Take care and you are still in my prayers xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🕯🤗

[Saree_p]

Hi Tim & Jojo,

Jojo, take care of yourself please. It's 100% ok.
I'm very worried about you, hope some of the leads have worked out.
How are you going now?
Sorry for my late response.

Thanks Tim.
I'm trying. But also just really tired.

Sorry all for not getting back sooner, just failing to keep up.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Please don’t worry about me as I am going well again. Unfortunately I haven’t managed to track my brother down so far. There are still a few more leads I need to follow up, but the heat has been holding me back with 40 degrees and high 30 degree days.

I hope you are improving and have found the psychiatrist and psychologist helpful and supportive.

Take good care of yourself and try to stay positive. Your illness is a battle that you have to keep fighting. Don’t give up, you can do it.

Thanks Tim for your kind words about my brother. I really appreciate that.

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🕯🤗

[Saree_p]

Glad to hear from you Jojo. Glad your ok. I hope there are some leads on your brother but I understand the best issues.

Everything has been of little help atm.

I've been trying everything but it'd not helping atm.

Psychiatrist tomorrow morning. So I guess we will see.

I've gone to the real bad place.  I have let my partner know and trying to stay safe, but struggling.

Just didn't go to work on Friday, been told to take Monday if need. Think f it right up.

[Saree_p]

Hi all,

Just wanted to let you all know.

Psychiatrist is adamant it's bipolar.

So 6 months later will finally start a mood stabiliser.
Psychologist now has direction to.
Unfortuantly it's now Xmas time and that's it till Feb. Here are some meds n go away.
I don't know what I'm expecting, but basically I've spent 6 months being told it's all in my head to there is something really wrong with me, to I'm choosing how I am. So kinda now I don't know what to feel or think, but predominantly I feel like there is something wrong with me.

Partner is happy, means there is a way to deal with it. I'm not. Which isn't helping my need to pull away and just go.

Guess not a great spot atm. I know I was trying to get this all sorted, but for what? A condition that I can pass on through genetics, another way for life to f with me.

Sorry all. Head is just telling me to end it. So sorry if post is negative.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

So you are bipolar, but that doesn’t mean there is anything “wrong” with you. You are still you and the illness is only one part.

You sound quite angry which is a phase I went through when I was diagnosed. Initially I was relieved, but then just felt really pissed off. Fortunately as I adjusted and learnt more about bipolar I gradually became more accepting.

As far as the genetics side of things goes it may not be as strong a link as you fear. I would check that out further if I were you.

Please be kind to yourself during this time as you try to get your head around things. And please don’t do a runner Saree. Face your fears. You are in good company. You can deal with this.

Stay safe and sending you positive thoughts xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼💐🤗

ps still looking for my brother. The leads were a dead end 😞

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,
That's what the psychiatrist believes. He was the one who said it was last time and then community mental health argued with him.

I'm struggling and hitting bad depressive episode, which is the norm for once this year.

I'm very angry at this point and deflated. I don't wanna be angry but so pissed off at family.

Sorry about your brother.... I wish I could help.... hopefully something turns up soon 😘