Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

I just f* up my job.

I've just completely f'd it.

I can't do this anymore. I can't. I've just stuffed it all up.

What sort of idiot am I! what the hell did I do that for. I'm done. done

[Sophie_M]

Hey Saree, 
I'm so sorry to hear that today at work was so awful for you. Would you like to share with us what happened?
Please know there is plenty of support out there for overwhelming moments like this.  The Suicide Call Back Service provides 24/7 telephone, online-chat and video counselling to talk through any difficult moments. You can even sign up for free video and online chat counselling on their website: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/need-to-talk/

​ Another option can be to reach out to our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat).

I've also sent you a private message with other support options.

I hope to hear back from you soon,

Sophie M. 


 

[smallwolf]

Hey Saree,

People tell me not to call myself an idiot. It's very easy to say that about ourselves though.

I don't know what happened, and most things are recoverable. I just hope you are ok and can talk to someone about it. Remember you are only human.

Tim

[Saree_p]

Sorry,

I simply didn't show up Friday - lost my shit and lost the day completely. Managed to message my partner when was at the waterfront and knew was in a bad spot - at like 4pm - so not sure what happened through the day. Monday I ended up saying I couldn't come in after I got the diagnosis. I just couldn't.

Today I found out that I hadn't been doing an internal process of formalised communication, through a key person in the agency - which meant that about 6 plan I had submitted I had missed this step. I was able to hopefully fix 2 or, another 2 have been approved. My senior was mortified, and simply won't talk to me after Friday anyways.

A comment got made today by senior leadership member asking if I was ok, because I have been unusually quiet. but how do I answer.

I've not gone to gym. Was safer to just come home. I lost it. My partner is struggling and I can't seem to hold it together. He was trying to help in the kitchen and I got frustrated at him because he was in the way. I simply couldn't cope.

I just can't anymore. I am useless and a waste of space.

My partner doesn't get it. He is black and white, here is a diagnosis and a plan. He doesn't fully get the implications. He also doesn't get why I am so so concerned about it. I've tried talking to him, but atm I just feel more and more judged.

I'm noticing people's behaviour changing as I am becoming more and more judged. I simply don't know how to explain this. I don't know what to do anymore.

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree,

There are a few things in your post I could respond to... Cooking incident, or work or ...

First though you sound quite low and perhaps angry at yourself for say getting frustrated at your boyfriend. I don't know how important that step was you missed at work and in a couple of cases you said you fixed it.

If you were a supervisor, what would you like the other person to tell you? They may be genuinely concerned about you. My experience tells me some conversations are hard and once you have had them can feel lighter. I hope it would be the same for you. The fact they noticed that you were quieter may indicate they know something is up.

And when you snapped at your boyfriend sounds like a normal response given everything you have had to deal with this week.

So what I ask you to do is breathe, and tell yourself you are worthwhile. If you like the sound of trickling water, we can sit in a rainforest together taking in the sights, sounds and smells.

How would you explain it to me?

Peace and comforting thoughts to you. And love

Tim

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I hear your struggle and frustration. However it does get better with time. When I was diagnosed my mum told me not to tell anyone! This was not helpful as it made me feel like she was ashamed of me.

I am now comfortable sharing my diagnosis and if people don’t accept me then they can just get lost and are not worth bothering about.

I am sorry you are having such a rough time at work. Can you try talking to your supervisor and explain what’s happening with you? You could perhaps mention you have started medication and it may take time for your body to adjust?

Saree you are not a waste of space! Try not to put yourself down. You have been through such a lot and have endured months of illness without proper treatment. Hopefully with your diagnosis this will change.

It is understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed with everything that has happened this week. Is it possible to have a few days off work to settle yourself?

Please take good care of yourself. Tomorrow is a new day. You are strong and can get through this time. Be kind to yourself xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼💝🤗

[Saree_p]

Thanks to you both,

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond.

I got through the night (obviouisly), didn't think I would. I resolved options for future wise - as I think long term I need out of current career. I then did do as you suggested Jojo. I had a conversation with my Boss - not my senior because she has been avoiding me since the start of the week. She had known I was seeking to figure out what was going on, and my last lot of behviours she knew were out of character. So ultimately I got to clear the air a little. I had made the decision if I lost my job through being open then I lost my job. But instead my Boss was wonderful (I get the feeling she has some experience with Bipolar). We set up a few logical things (my suggestions - which she just admired me for, removes stress for everyone and reduces the impact of pieces needing to be picked up, plus attempts to keep me safe). I stated worse case senario - I end up suddenly hospitalised etc.

Ultimately she simply noted that this must be difficult for me, I am a person that exhibits control over myself and she stated that I have no control over this and I have to come to terms with, which will be hard for me.

So what I was terrified has ended well. YEs I am still worried about the stigma, but atm not am I only supported, I was affirmed that I am the best worker in that team and they do not want to loose me.

Dark thoughts are still there, but I am officially on holiday - took a couple of extra days.

Thanks Tim so much. I honestly would just listen to the person and hug them.

My partner is wonderful and understands, just struggles at times. I just get upset I can hurt him so much.

Jojo - the psychiatrist reckon my first episodes were back when I was 14-15. so it's been 13-14 years, it's just unravelled.

Sorry dear friends, head is still everywhere.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I was so pleased to read your last post. I am glad you managed to sort things out at work by talking to your boss. And you got excellent feedback too letting you know how much you are valued as a worker and how well you do your job. Well done!

I am also pleased you now have some time off work which will allow the dust to settle and for you to catch your breath.

I wasn’t diagnosed until my 30’s, but looking back I had periods of severe depression in my teens, to the point of feeling ‘s’. However, I didn’t have any manic episodes at that time. I wish I had been given some help as a teenager, but I don’t dwell on that as it can’t be changed.

I think you are on the right track now Saree and hopefully 2020 is a really good year for you. Maybe you could write a book some day - your story deserves to be told. It would have the potential to help many xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼💐🤗

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree,

Sometimes the thing we are most afraid of can be the most beneficial. I think you were afraid at one point of speaking to your boss, and as your latest point has indicated they sounded concerned and caring for you. Not only that you are best worker - now, how does that feel?!? And in all of this you were able to clear the air about yourself with someone from work. And you should also be commended for being proactive and looking for help as you have been.

Where you go to from here is up to you. I cannot say what sort of progress you or I will make, but if it is only recovery we are aiming from then you are on the right path.

Tim

[Saree_p]

Jojo, how'd you cope till you were 30? I mean that positively!

I can intellectually acknowledge the decline within myself, but yeah. I don't see it as much as others do.

my birthday dinner is supposed to be tomorrow night (Sunday) and there is every family drama under the sun. It was organised so I could enjoy a birthday separate to Xmas months ago but has turned into my sister's wedding and everything else. No one really knows the diagnosis was confirmed Monday, bar my partner (who was there) and my dad.

it is as though I am an alien from my family tho... my partners family accepts me and are all there to support me, but my own family lay nothing but blame at my feet. I can't make heads or tails of it emotionally.

I've literaaly copef one family drama after another, and none of my family have concerns for what I want or how I am feeling, but purely what they want.

Sorry I am ranting.

it's been shit again today. my partner has fucked up massively and hasn't even realised.

I've balled my eyes out and become s** driven.

Can I state I hate xmas!!