Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Hopefully you do!! Gardens tend to grow lol.

I don't think I will. The group things was never something that was ideal for me, but was how I was supposed to have access to psychologist, according to her plan. Quite frankly I find it insulting, I don't fit in at all and it's so dumbed down. What's the point when it's not help up and it's only so a psychologist is supposed to help n she isn't....

I don't see the point in raiding any of it. She should know and does know.

Sorry dear friend. Guess I'm feeling a whole lot of abondoment and hurt with all the crap that's going on. It's not the psych or her fault etc, but the lying and false expectations are just adding and tipping it over - if makes sense. Especailly after I decided to commit 1.5 weeks ago to the therapy and yeah. Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry to hear the group is not helping or really suited to your needs. It must be very disappointing to say the least.

Have things settled down at work?

Hope you are sleeping better now and have caught up on some sleep.

Do you miss Tinsel? I have Poppy snuggled up on my lap and it is so comforting. She snores too which is so cute.

Take good care of yourself xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Wonderful Jojo,

The group was never really intended to work for me, it was something I had to do to access the psychologist. She did seem to think it would help at points but acknowledges I have so many of those skills already etc.

The psych did end up ringing yesterday, apparently oblivious to her promises end up seeming quite worried - especially as I didn't want to talk to her at all, and the fact I seemed disinterested in reengaging. I explained that I had dissociated for most days last week, even missed work, no recollect of what I had been doing at all, hence why I missed group - I was getting ready, there was a loud bang and then it was 4-5 hours later. This seemed to worry her - no shit, it's freaking me out and I'd been waiting for her to recontact for a week then gave up.

last night I worked and then went and helped the BF and his stepdad wire in security cameras in one of the supermarkets here. Interesting, learnt a bit, kept me grounded for a bit. Like everyday though, I did end up falling apart this time = tears for no apparent reason.

Today I went to an appointment for contraception. I ended up having STI screening and pap smear - hadn't planned on it, so welcome in unwanted flashbacks and I became completely unable to speak, barely able to move. Eventually got out the door and drove home, apparently crying the whole way - why? this shit sucks!!

Then guess what.... I got a phone call (I couldn't pick it up because was so distressed, but was able to return the call once calmed down), remember that job I did an interview for months ago, I had a call about 3 weeks ago saying I had it pending background checks etc. Well, today I got offered it, tomorrow I'll go in and sign everything (I believe). Jojo, I don't have to deal with screaming, abusive clients anymore. I get to have a 9-5 job, in something I am so excited about. I couldn't believe it, the manager was so worried I wouldn't take the job - hell I jumped at it.

My BF came home, he couldn't believe how happy I was - not overly, bouncy, but the relief I think, excitement, a way out of this darkness. Yes, a job won't fix shit, but I've worked so hard and wound up in a job that has kept me stagnated, even going backwards. I now am going forwards.

Monday I also booked in the MRI, which apparently is pushed forward to next Thursday.

Sleep is still elusive - nightmares and panic

Miss Tinsel like you wouldn't believe, so glad you have Poppy tho!! xx

Thanks Jojo xx

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

That’s wonderful news about the job - very well done. Should be good to have more regular hours and doing something that is new and interesting. Has come at a good time for you too.

Hope you manage to sort things out with the psychologist. She definitely needs to be more clear and more responsible regarding making appointments with you.

It is understandable that you would find medical examinations distressing so well done for taking that on board.

I hope with the new job you will be able to work on developing more regular sleeping patterns. However, I realise you suffer from nightmares too which doesn’t help.

Take good care of yourself xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🚤

[Saree_p]

Thank Jojo,

All good - it will work out. Everything seems to be.

Still a lot of crap going on, but the crucial things are happening (later than I'd like but) at the right time.

I am in two frames atm, one of pure and utter struggle and one of complete gratefulness. I am starting to understand the phrase: without pain, you can never truly appreciate beauty.

My Bf is trying to get me into sleep patterns as it is - I can fall asleep in his arms, if its a good night I will be ok, if not we don't sleep well - I tried taking the couch a couple of weeks ago, and by god did I cop it 🤣... I'd barely slept for 5 days and he was exhausted. The GP is still keeping the diagnosis of bipolar - arguments still there. But regardless, leaving the current job should reduce exposure to abusive situations = less triggers. The new job will provide routine hours, predictability and security. I am personally excited, I honestly didn't realise how much. and because its gotten so bad, despite having a head cold, I have forced myself back into exercise daily this week. It is honestly helping, helps with appetite, which helps with state of mind.

Tomorrow will be a challenging day, but I am (for the first time in a long time) hopeful it will be hard for all the right reasons!

Jojo, thank you!!! you have been consistent through all this. I really appreciate you. Really ironic the comfort of posting to someone, who is relatively anonymous, regularly brings. I am grateful. I honestly hope all is on the up and up from here. I know my moods etc are real low, but I can not ignore all the reasons to live.... but dear friend, I hope I can still talk to you (or vent, as has been of late).

I am truly excited and inspired atm. So much to do, so little time - also reality, which sucks, but means I have mundane tasks to do.

Thank you dear friend,

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Thank you for your lovely message. It is good to know I have been of some help to you. And of course you can continue to share, vent, yell or scream whatever you need!

Well done for doing daily exercises especially when you have a cold. That’s good it’s helping your appetite and overall well being too.

I think your new job is going to make a world of difference to you and will improve your mh which is wonderful. You will also probably be able to spend more time with your bf now because of the regular hours.

Wishing you well xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🕯😊

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo (and all),

I believe the job will be good. Beyond nervous right now, been crashing slightly the end tail of this week, just tired and got a fair bit on this week. Plus the juggling act of this program and getting mh support that fits in with work.

I did end up attending the group, and instantly wished I had not. I sat down with the psychologist on Friday, we had a very blunt conversation. I believe at this stage, I may end up going the private line - with her as she also privately practises. It will then fit in with work and I can keep this stuff hidden, also allows me more control, security and I guess a sense of safety... just the cost will be the killer. But we sat down and discussed it. It's better than doing nothing, or doing this group and destroying a career, plus getting continually frustrated by it.

So I think tomorrow I will inform her I am dropping out of the public mental health system and will seek to go privately.

I am struggling with the shit situations atm, but the small changes and progression forwards are holding a little bit of hope. It's gonna be a long road. But if I can deal with things and compartmentalise worlds, I may be able to get through all this is the next century.

Wait and see. Lots of changes. The psychologist went if we can make a huge difference by a year it will be a miracle - nearly killed her at that point, as I am like, right let's get in and get this done in the next couple of months kinda thing. So grump. But will see how the week pans out, but do believe private will be the way to go. As bf put it, we have no debt between us, yes its money that could go elsewhere, but if it means we can get it all sorted and have a future its a small price to pay.

How are you travelling Jojo?

Hope you are well - see you've been there helping Lilly out 😊

Cheerio

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

That’s good if you can afford to see the psychologist privately - giving you more control over your treatment. As you say, it is worth it if it means you and your bf can have a good life together.

When do you start the new job? Bet your work will try and get you to stay where you are as you have big shoes to fill.

I am travelling really well thanks. Starting to get some lovely spring days which is nice and the wild flowers are beginning to come out.

Went to the movies and saw Angel Has Fallen which is a political thriller. I enjoyed it as the story line keeps you going.

Hope you have a better week and keep up the good work you are doing xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼😊

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

I started today.

Had a few dark moments, and so much anxiety. But I think this will be the best thing in a long time. It'll take a bit to get used to, not being able to organise appointments during work hours etc. But I am sure once more comfortable that my boss will be quite flexible - she appears to be.

Honestly, I spent the day - yes sitting at a desk, but no one was screaming, yelling, throwing things, in pain, needing me to manage them, etc. I was able to wear nice clothes, interact with people and joke, have a lunch break when I dictated. It was amazing. I didn't have any flashbacks, dissociation or anything. Wasn't till I got to the supermarket that I freaked out.

The movie sounds interesting!!!

I am also glad its starting to get nicer in the days - bring on summer and daylight savings!! nice thing about being back in a state that has daylight savings (sorry Lilly).

I am a little worried Jojo - have to still inform psychologist of choice = phone call. Need to organise a GP appointment. Have another medical appointment which will be womanly invasive - worried I will trip out - Wednesday morning. And then I have MRI on Thursday afternoon. I mean finally getting stuff organised etc. but yeah.

I did have a chuckle to myself. My mother got really shitty with me overtaking the new job, as I was unloyal to my previous employer and they were stable. I then informed her of my contract (pending probation) and my salary.... she got real shitty then. I know most won't find it funny, but I guess if I explain it like a spoilt child telling you will never amount to anything is throwing a tantrum. I think it's now switching to the silent treatment.

anything interesting planned for anyone?

Smile all,

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Your new job sounds terrific and must feel like a new planet compared to the last one. Also it’s great you weren’t triggered while at work.

What is it that freaks you out in the supermarket?

I wouldn’t worry too much about what your Mum thinks about your new job as she sounds impossible to please.

On the weekend Wayne and I are going to a show - Yamato, The Drummers of Japan - Japanese taiko drumming and music. It’s described as a visually spectacular, high-energy and explosive show. Looking forward to it as I really love a live show.

Good luck with all your appointments this week. You can do it Saree you are strong enough.

My thoughts are with you xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🕯😊