Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry things are so difficult for you atm. I don’t understand why you would think you were wasting the psychs time when you are going through absolute hell. Please call her and get some support.

I know how strong and determined you are, but this is a time when you will need the help of others to get through. Let them help you. Don’t try and do it by yourself.

Are you still off work?

Take care dear friend xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Supposed to be back this Saturday. Then its father's day.
Apparently psych is not "in office" till Monday. Just wish I'd be told the truth for once. She said she would be in touch today or tomorrow. Yet will be neither. This is literally the 4th lie. I'm ok with things changing and going wrong, aka to busy, my job is built off it. But being lied to and it repeatedly happening isn't great..
Feels like a false sense of help.
She had some strategies to try this week, guess not.

Sorry Jojo. No idea really.
Yes get bad, yes safety plan. But to what point. Keep having shit repeat in your head or knew stuff.... How much more to keep repeating....
Sorry dear friend. I'm over it.

How's was the movies this week?

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree (and rest),

The lies you speak about really suck! I get that in my workplace as well. People promising to contact you but never do unless you call them back! And if you were hoping to get some strategies 😞 Wish I lend some strength and support to you... I am hopeful that you will find that circuit breaker to stop the stuff repeating in your head.

Next bit might be a little random - remember how I mentioned art therapy and kintsugi. I found out today when I was with my psychologist that when the (broken) plate is mended, it is stronger than it was before. I have a fixed plate as the wallpaper on my phone. Every time I use my phone, I see the plate and know it has a story to tell, and now is also stronger.

You might feel like you a going nowhere, but there are also big changes in your posts - a bf, talking of a future, being open here, and having insight into what you are going through. You are stronger than you think.

Peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am sorry to hear that the psychologist is turning out to be rather unreliable at times.

If I were you I would talk to her about this at the next session. You need to know she can be relied upon while you are going through therapy.

No movies this week, but we are catching up on the weekend for coffee and a walk, might have lunch too, see how we feel. Is just nice to get out.

Hope you manage to do something nice for yourself this weekend.

Take care and wish you well xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Hi Tim & Jojo,

Always lovely to hear from you Tim, hope you are traveling well.
I really love that concept. Ever consider that maybe the plate is too broken? (Not for you, just myself). I've been told repeatedly I shouldn't be functioning and it's no wonder shit is as bad as it is, but how I manage to keep a job etc is beyond most people apparently. I'm utterly exhausted. And that plate seems to be finding more and more shatters, not repairing enough to stay together.
Sorry, not trying to be a negative Nancy, love the concept, truly do. Made me smile for a bit.

Boo Jojo, psychologist meh. I'm guessing Monday, at some point, she will contact. But I'm wondering how much it's helping. I've literally been not functioning at all. Today, I'm pulling a double shift, one being an awake overnight. I'm exhausted but I haven't dissociated for 24 hours, which is amazing as been doing it everyday for majority of the days - it's gotten real bad lol.
I know I've been told I can't burry this away etc. But this crap isn't helping and I've lost who I am.
I'm so glad I'm back atm, scared it'll come back so so much worse. Which has been the pattern.

For me, I've gotten back into exercise. Prob won't be able to later today as full on. Might try a walk if get time in after work this morning and still awake. Gotta cook a desert before being at Damiens family.

P.S. bf and I have now had the finance chat. He isn't going anywhere at all, and after this week I wouldn't blame him for doing so.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

You do sound like you are back atm as you were really struggling before, which is understandable. I am glad you have had a break from the dissociation as that must be so difficult.

I don’t know how you manage to work either, but you are very determined so I guess that helps! Are you sleeping any better?

That’s great you and your bf are starting to have important conversations. Sounds like you are both on the same page and becoming a solid unit. I am so happy for you both.

Enjoy the emotional reprieve while you can and hope things go well with the psychologist on Monday.

With lots of love Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Well Jojo,

I have quite literally hear nothing. Bf may have as he also contacted her cause it got that bad.

I lost it on my bf last night, more just he finally saw the extreme depression, the frustration I can't get out of it, the fact I feel like giving up cause I have no fight left. We discussed the reasons, he actually got it. But he told me what he sees. I know I need to trust him in what he sees, just don't and can't.

Side track note, family joking about a ring being on my finger - his side, kids etc - continual that is, so more like veting were we are at. Ended in discussions around jewellery I like, and the fact even tho it's so quick it's what he sees. Took him a lot to say it too.
100% the right man and meet him where I needed to, doubt would be alive if didn't. But I feel so weak for being this way atm. And I've truly lost who I am again. I literally can no longer do my work cause it keeps triggering things, I am a nervous wreck that literally starts panicking and has fear written across my face for no apparent reasons.
I've been a stubborn person that got on with life. Why has it gotten so bad I can't function at all. I can't even go to the supermarket, or cook a timely meal. I have fought so hard to get to where I am and it's literally falling apart in front of me and I can't stop it. I being told it's ok, and time is what is needed.... But it's not ok. I have no idea anymore.

Sorry dear friends, I think this is rock bottom. Trying to deal with this trauma shit is horrible.

And to make it worse, yesterday was father's day. Got my dad the ultimate gift. He was virtually in tears - 2 VIP tickets for Home free if anyone knows who they are, one for him and mum. I was so happy, he simply couldnt believe it, he dreams of seeing them live.... but my mother tore shreds off me and i just nearly lost it.
literally just got of the phone from her again. I literally have reverted back to my 6 year old self and can't even hold my head up.
I logically know I owe that women nothing. But I feel like the biggest disappointment for a daughter. I just give up. I really do. Tired of fighting.

Trying to hold on dear friends, but also tired of trying to get the help. Psychologist, meh whatever.
As always I'm the one who is viewed as capable and understanding, also the one who should be able to cope, so when she has a min I'll be contacted, if she can't I'll understand because of who I am. BF is pushing, but I told him there is no point. It just ends up frustrating them.

Sorry. That was a blah, tears and all. Great place atm (sarvasm)

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Hope you feel better after getting all that off your chest. You are going through a battle as you work through the layers of trauma you have endured. Therefore, you are bound to be hyper sensitive and easily startled atm.

Unfortunately I agree it will probably take time before things settle down. However, I believe you are strong and resilient enough to get through therapy. I do hope the psychologist contacts you today like she is supposed to.

I am so glad you have found the man of your dreams. Hold onto that when you are feeling down and imagine the bright future you both will have.

Don’t let your Mum ruin the very special Father’s Day present you bought. Don’t listen to her negative words. You are one of the most caring and thoughtful people I know. So hold your head up high.

With lots of love Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo,

I just started typing a response and before I knew it.

Psych didn't get in contact. BF came home and sat with me for a few minutes, even tho he really didn't have em (doubling out to help his father tonight, so needed sleep!). He got a bit angry because of her unreliability. She had said not to go private and stick with her because we would have access etc to her, but I have to do this program that is more of a hindrance n insult to achieve this, but she will be there and helping me get stabilised etc. Yet she has broken her word every time virtually. Haven't heard from her for 1.5 weeks now. So yeah, he asked why not keep the private one? We (i) am literally going through hell with no "support" that was supposed to occur.
This convo occurred purely cause I said I haven't heard from her, n group is on Thursday, what am I supposed to do? I missed the last one cause I dissociated so badly. I can't just rock up - anxiety. He is watching me try and get help and just be let down because I don't jump up and down to get the help. But yet I cope all the insults.

I don't know Jojo. People don't keep promises, or their word.

Trust me, trying to hold on. I've got the family I wanted but never thought I'd have, it's all at my finger tips, but it's not enough. I know this shit is bad when it's not enough...

Bf sister keeps putting the kids near me, and the bub in my hands. I'm so not capable or competent. I've lost all self respect and capability. I've literally lost all function.

Jojo, I knew it's get worse. Didn't realise how much. I lost 5 days last week due to dissociation and all I recall is pure terror, no reason why. This is after a couple of weeks of bad. I told the psych I couldn't do another week. I ended up doing so, the worst one yet.... But what do I do?

My dad is ecstatic. He deserves it. Got brownie points from the sister, rare to see dad nearly crying.

How have you been dear friend?

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I too feel angry at the psychologist for not keeping her word to contact you and find out how you are travelling. This must make it extra hard to trust her.

I hope you do speak up to her about this when you next see her as this is just not good enough. Also she has a duty of care for your welfare.

Will you try and keep going to the group on Thursday?

I am going very well thanks. The weather is to be wet for the next few days, but then sunny spring days are forecasted. I am hoping they get that right as I need to get into weeding the garden.

Hope you get some support very soon dear friend xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼