Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Lilly99]

Dear Saree,

Thinking of you tonight . Don’t give up on yourself . Please phone a help line or go to hospital if you are not safe.

I care for you dear friend

Lilly

[Lilly99]

Dear Saree,

Please don’t hate yourself . I see a beautiful caring, compassionate, selfless , strong dear friend. You have come this far to give up now .

Your bf cares about you . Jojo and I care and everyone else on the forum . You are amazing . Never forget it. And keep fighting for a life of love and happiness .

Take care of yourself

Lilly

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Don’t hate yourself that doesn’t help matters. You said you can’t go tomorrow- what’s happening tomorrow? Is it work or the psychologist or something else?

Please don’t push your bf away as he is doing his best to help you. It must be hard watching you go through all your emotional turmoil. Did he end up taking time off work?

Do everything you can to stay safe xox

With much love & you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Your friend Jojo 🌼🕯🐉

[Saree_p]

Sorry all,

I did not mean to cause concern.
Thanks geoegus Lilly.

Thank you bethy, unfortunately I struggle to talk and don't off load - really wish I could.

Sorry SophieM

I'm trying friends. Studied, after work. Bf made dinner, I kept dissociating so he has done what he could. Ended up being sick AGAIN (4th time). Just hid it from him.

Today was the group thing and it was completely shit, so no what I need.

Jojo, this is weeks in now. It's eating at me. He knows it and knows I wont let him take time off. I am a strong person th ast literally can't function anymore. It's humiliating. He raised about his family picking it up soon, ive lost ability to hide it all.

One thing that helped today, and he knew it, was photos of us and his niece (nearly 6 years old), he keeps commenting if people didn't know they'd say it's our fsmily. I know he is there, I know the future he wants, which even scares him. I feel so guilty for feeling so low.

Flashbacks etc are hitting hard and heavy, haven't slept since off meds due to nightmares, dissociation episodes (bad ones) etc, didn't sleep few night prior either, so a week now I guess.

I'm trying not to hide, but I'm struggling. I want to curl up and shut out the world.

Work is overwhelming.

N study..... so so behind. Can't even comprehend half of it atm. Stupid me.

I am trying to be positive dear friends, trying to stay safe and have a plan. But it's hard. Especially when u want to hide it all.

Sorry dear friends. Trying, but over trying to get help.

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

You are definitely not stupid. You are unwell and going through emotional hell. Also you are extremely sleep deprived.

Can you take a few weeks off work until things hopefully settle down a bit? That would allow you to catch up on your uni assignments. You must be so exhausted.

Sorry to hear the trauma group wasn’t much help. Do you think you will keep going?

Stay safe and strong xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼🐉🚤

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

I don't see the point in going. My plan is not to, but as of this arvo, the psychologist got back in contact asking me to go to in tomorrow.
She said to bf I need to be there. So unsure as to what is going on. Bf wants to hand over all the information I have written up, so can't either get somewhere or not.

But I am so tired. And this is all just crap. Not even sure how I face people reading those notes. No idea.

Sorry dear friend. It honestly just yeah. I've been really trying, I have.

Work today, ive cracked the shits, will prob end up fired but it's for the benefit of the clients. Just over the crap that is being done which causes harm, so cracked it. Worst thing that can happen, I get ripped to shreds by management and I quit. Atm I dare them.

Arguments are well and truly there. Trying to keep to safety plan. But tired and very tired of fighting.

Hope you have had a good week dear friend.

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am very glad the psychologist has been in touch and will see you tomorrow. Hopefully she can explain things for you and give you some much needed support.

Sorry you are having problems at work, however, you are so good at your job they can’t just dismiss you.

If you can’t take time off work can you put uni on hold until the dust settles as you sound really overwhelmed - which is not surprising considering everything you are going through.

Wishing you well. Stay safe & strong

With love your friend Jojo 🌼🐉🚤

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Just wondering how you are and how things went at the psychologist today. Also has work settled down?

Hope you will have some time off over the weekend to gather your strength. You need to try and catch up on sleep too which is probably easier said than done.

I hope and pray you are coping with all the turmoil you are going through. My thoughts are with you dear friend xox

Stay safe and strong.

With love your friend Jojo 🌼🕯

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

I got upset with the psychologist, more I think demonstrated frustration.
We were both very blunt, and have come up with a way forward. She wants me to accept that I need help and it's not cause I'm weak.

I'm still struggling. Work I'm playing by ear.

Blunt convo with bf. We are both at the point we see a family and kids. I need to get this shit sorted. So I have 2 choices. Derail and die or move forward.
The pep talk today = moving forward, I think.
I know that the flashbacks etc Will create a the situation I can't cope. So aim is to reduce it as quickly as possible.

I ended up in a no hope situation and today provided a glimmer of hope.
It's gonna be hell. But if can deal with and get it over and done with, there is a future.

How are you dear friend?

Any movies of late?

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

There is no way in the world you are weak! You do need help tho and I am glad you and the psychologist can see a way forward.

I am also glad that you and your bf can picture a future together. That is wonderful and a fantastic incentive to keep on with therapy.

You are one of the strongest people I know so there is a huge amount of hope you will be able to work through all your mh issues. Granted it will take some time, but you have such a bright future to look forward to it will be worth it.

I am going to the movies tomorrow to see Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. The weather is to be nice too so can have a walk & coffee afterwards. Going down to 3 degrees tonight tho bet Tassie gets much colder?

Take good care of yourself xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼🕯🐉