Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Was so good to hear from you and sorry to hear you are not going well.

Maybe now is the time to go into hospital as you have been battling on for ages - what do you think?

Then you wouldn’t have to worry about work and could concentrate on yourself.

When is your appointment with the psychologist?

Take good care of yourself dear friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo,

Saw her Thursday- one running the trauma program etc. Will be sticking with her at this point.
Partner and her then talked. He took me in Friday afternoon because I hadn't stopped dissociating, flashbacks and just bad way. I got Sat in front of a psychiatrist and her and observed basically. Hospitalisation will apparently be the worse thing, retraumatising and the environment will enduce that state. So basically unless i cant keep safe, don't go. They even told bf itd be better if he took time off work and kept me safe.
I've come off the medication, the belief is it's not the right fit and until trauma stuff is dealt with medicating can a) not work, b) make worse.
Not real happy with the decision but can't argue with it.

Bit better today, just have a horrid feeling and a little physical sickness symptoms so not sure how it's gonna go.

I have started working on a history of things, plus pages of writhing. They are after history. Bf didn't put together it was sexual assault as a kid, he just thought it was ex. So apparently he now appreciates me even more, because it means I must really trust him.
Had complete panic over making it clear, because of the amount of people.

I'm not sure.

I've been told I need to quit my job, not allowed to drink. Apparently this will be an extremely long process and a life change. But I'm me, I operate at crazy levels.

So I think this week is gonna be a long and hard one.
Pretty much waiting for Monday to roll around.

Bf is amazing. He will do whatever he can, he just wants to help.
He made me promise him I wouldn't run - I looked at him as if he was crazy. I seriously don't get why he would want me to stay after the last several weeks. But apparently he does.

Sorry. First time I've been kind of here enough to type a response.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry you are going through a really tough time. However, I am so glad you have your bf for support.

Can you take any more time off work so you can start to process what’s happening with you?

You are so courageous to be dealing with all your demons and as you mentioned it will take time and be life changing.

That’s good you are able to write down what happened for the psychologist. It’s probably quite cathartic for you too.

Hang in there Saree and take good care of yourself. You are in my thoughts and prayers xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

Writting stuff has made it so much worse, but I guess it's speeding up the process and its suck atm anyways.

We have been discussing me taking time off work. I am just worried about the consequences plus it's about the one thing keeping me grounded.

I have hit an all time low today Jojo. Sorry, just struggling to convey stuff. Ultimately I think it comes down to the reality these episodes anymore. My bf has been a wonderful support, but I am tired of seeing what I am putting him through. I know he wants to, but he also shouldn't have to, and its gotten so so much worse.

Feeling really trapped and out of options atm. sorry dear friend.

Saree

P.S. meant to ask, is everything ok your end? You had some personal issues? Hope nothing too serious. xx

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sounds like you are on an emotional roller coaster atm. Try and hang in there love you are travelling a long hard road.

I think your bf has seen enough to come to the decision he wants to help and support you. That is truly special and I think you were both meant to meet so you could help each other.

I am going fine thank you. I had a few problems, but they are all resolved now and were nothing compared to what you are going through.

How often are you having psych appointments?

Try and be gentle with yourself and have some time out from therapy if possible such as hiking or getting outdoors.

My thoughts are with you. Stay safe and strong xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼🐉🚤

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,
Understatement of the century.

Been honest with bf. He has read what has been written.

Psychologist, part of community mental health and this program thing was appsrently supposed to check in yesterday.... so no idea as she hasn't.
Private one went on holidays as did GP, so I found out last week 🤣
Everyone still arguing over everything but let's ignore the GP who thinks it bipolar, wit hb CTPSD confounding it (family history of bipolar) and say it's.CtPSD until that is dealt with Bipolar can't be diagnosed (as overlap) but remove all medication. And then add in period, last 2 times I've been forcibly hospitalised.

Not sure how gonna go.

It's all shit.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

That’s good you can be honest with your bf by letting him read what you have written. That’s a huge step for you in trusting someone.

I hope the psychologist comes through for you as you deserve to have adequate professional mh support especially at this stage.

You are so courageous to be dealing with your mh issues head on. Keep up the good work.

Thoughts and prayers are with you. Stay safe & strong xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼🐉

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo,

I can't do it anymore.

Bf has been trying to fix, but I am not functioning and I am not me at all.

Haven't heard a Damn thing since the Friday instance. No one has even bothered to explain it to me. I can't go tomorrow. No idea what's happening let alone anything else.
Just can't. Sorry Jojo.

Hate me right now.

[_bethy94]

Hi Saree_p,

Consider giving LifeLine a call. I gave them a call today for the first time and just venting and having someone hear your thoughts can bring about a sense of relief.

There are compassionate people out there, like us and I'm sure people in your life, who care.

Take care, hope to hear from you soon x

[Sophie_M]

Hi Saree_p,

So sorry to hear things have been so tough. Just a note to let you know that we have contacted you via personal message.

Take care,


Sophie