Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Glad you caught up Jojo 😊

I am starting to think I don't function. More a case of done and forget about the collapses. Literally slept near whole hospital stay and since being at bf been minimum of 8 hours, and I'm struggling. tonight is first night I'm swinging back to other. N don't wanna take meds, but will.

Psychologist is in the morning. I'm sitting up and constructing a mountain of paperwork for her. All around complex PTSD but there is the mood swings etc in there. Paper work from GP says bipolar 2 plus complex PTSD. But CAT argue with it. Mind you haven't heard from them like supposed to again either.

Jojo, I'm scared about everything atm. New people have entered flashbacks and nightmares. Sitting here and placing more and more of it.
Everything is right with the boyfriend. It is fast, but I will never be ready for it and I don't think I'd be sending this post without that support. I can't see a way out, but I can see there is more than just the mh issues.

Ironically he is more accepting of bipolar than complex PTSD. Last night shook him.
Work is more the issue atm. But yeah.
I kinda feel like I'll end up in hospital by end of week again. Sounds stupid I know.

My dad does Iove my be tho 😂

Sleep well Jojo xx

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo,

I did write quite a lengthy response but it hasn't come through.

Not sure manage 8s the right word, moght be why been so everwhere.

Private psychologist is this morning.
Both of us wrote stuff down, so I am aimed with paper, terrified about handing it over, but it'd shorten the process.
I figured ts all been going around in my head so get it down.
Think I will be having a drink before I go today tho.

Think I forgot meds twice yesterday and have been wide awake, can't sit still again. Think its just nerves, but it was enough for bf to ask whether he needs to worry about manic side and what should he do and when.

Hope you have caught up on your rest Jojo!

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

How did the psychologist appointment go this morning. I am glad you managed to write some things down for her as that should help.

It sounds like you are not coping with work. Would you consider going back into hospital- voluntarily this time?

Try and remember to take your medication as it should help stabilise your mood.

I am going well thanks and sleeping through the night again. How are you sleeping now?

Take good care of yourself xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Glad to hear Jojo!

Psychologist was terrifying. Handed the paper over. More work on breathing and grounding techniques.

I'm not coping with work, currently back on second day, been asked to cover 4 different shifts, turned down 3. I'm not in a good headspace at work again.

I've got to try and pack everything and move tomorrow - housemate is just, I can't cope anymore.
I don't understand why I can not cope. I don't get it!

Hospital, I don't know anymore. Think I have to get through this week. If I don't it'll be so much worse.
Plus everyone is focused on trauma treatment. If the CAT team did there job, I'd be able to take a week off or so and stabilise at home but they won't. Potentially once get private health, not sure the public system is helpful atm for me. Sick of this we will deal with trauma stuff first whilst my moods are everywhere. Just want stability

The point at where my GP has thrown her hands up has made me worry.

I honestly don't know Jojo. Psychologist today said i need to reduce stress and pressures (directky related with hospital adminissions) but how can i do that? This week is nothing but stress and panic.

I cant wait till moved out. Really need done asap.

Oh Jojo, it's all one big mess.

Hopefully the sun shines on you dear friend xx

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Well done for turning done some shifts at work as you have more than enough to do with moving out.

Try and practice the breathing and grounding techniques the psychologist has shown you as that will hopefully get you through this week.

You are probably not managing as well as you would like to at the moment because of everything you are dealing with and your moods are still up and down, so be kind to yourself.

Once you have moved I expect things will settle down and be less stressful. Just take one day at a time, see how you go.

You always amaze me with how much you cope with at one time even though you are doing it tough.

I am so glad you will have your bf around more often while you are seeing a psychologist as he can help support you through the process.

Thinking of you xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

Today will be very stress filled I expect, but if can get it all done it's less stress tomorrow.

GP keeps expressing how amazed she is that I hold down a job, and am sort after.
According to psychiatrist etc I shouldn't be able to. My poker face must be good at work. Mind you I haven't been able to hide it of late and recent hospital admission certainly didn't help with keeping a low profile. Brain is to scattered and I just keep missing things.

I'm actually excited about moving in with the bf. The support is unreal, and he is such a chilled and stable person. Despite still feeling all over the place he does seem to centre me quite a bit. Poor guy, he really wasn't supposed to be exposed to any of this.

Hope you have a good day Jojo,

Saree xx

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Good luck with moving hope it goes smoothly.

I agree with your GP and the psychiatrist - you are amazing to be able to work and hold down a job. In that respect you are definitely Wonderwoman!

Your bf sounds wonderful. I am glad you are looking forward to moving in with him as I think he will provide you with a bit more stability in your life.

Are you seeing the psychologist weekly now? Any sign of the CAT team? I am glad you are considering getting private cover as the public mental health system where you are seems very poor.

Bye for now & talk to you soon xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼🐉

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo,

Yesterday was so full on. So has today been

Nope to CAT team, nope to psychologist.

I am supposed to be starting some program for the trauma stuff through community mental health.
Issue being they refuse to acknowledge the bipolar, but maybe some of the stuff will help. They refuse to ignore until the complex PTSD is removed. However they are medicating me for the bipolar from what I can tell.
Jojo, it's so disorganised. I need the meds reevaluated as been on them a week and they aren't as affective, but I have no idea who to even go to. GP Can't touch em. The script for the medication that I ran nout of today hasn't even gotten through to the pharmacy like supposed to, no idea who to chase. Seriously....

Officially moved all out today. It's mostly over, bar stupid shit I'm guessing, but I don't have to go back. Mind you it was hell yesterday, I was so so glad when bf rocked up.

Sorry Jojo,
I'm struggling to know what to do anymore. Just sick of people not doing what they say, I know it's not their life and doesn't impact them but I just can't take much more.

Sorry Jojo

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am glad you have moved out and in with your bf that should help you tremendously.

I am sorry to hear your medication is not being handled very well at all. Is there no one you can ring to find out what to do or who to contact? Or can’t your GP find out for you?

When does the trauma programme start with mental health services?

Try and keep your spirits up and hopefully things will sort themselves out.

Thoughts are with you xox

Your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Sorry dear friend,

GP has had no communication apart from I was in hospital and how.
I will try and chase the CAT Team today. Will have to wait till they finish there team meeting.

Just have the feeling it's gonna be another situation of the same...

Have to say I think the medication is working, not sure, kinda feel flatlined a lot, but not extremes. I was going up again and it seems to have kinda stopped at a level. Sounds weird I know.

Sorry