Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Sorry dear Jojo,

I ended up being involuntarily admitted to hospital, straps and all, released last minute today.

Not sure anything will change but will see.

Sorry for being absent. Still really struggling.

Thanks dear friend,

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Thanks for letting me know what happened and I am sorry you were admitted involuntarily. How long were you in hospital?

Were you put on any medication while in hospital?

What happens now do you see your GP or psychologist?

Please take good care of yourself Saree xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼🕯

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

It's ok, It's more so you can all understand why I disappeared for a little.

I do not believe I have ever been taken to hospital that way, I was not going (was terrified), police literally took me out to ambulance and four of them strapped me in. I can now understand they were trying to help, but I was so terrified at the time. Apparently in and out of reality.

3 and a half days I think, pretty much the max they could under a temporary intervention order. There is no real conclusion on diagnosis, still. Consensus seems to be treat the complex PTSD and see what happens after that and then if moods are still cycling yeah.

I have been placed back on a mood stabiliser (I believe).

Following discharge, I am in the care of my bf untill next week.

My housemate is being a complete .... yeah. I have texts and texts which attack me for PTSD and how I have to tell him whats going on. How horrible I am etc. this was following trying to collect a few things from home.

Hospital was helpful for a bit I guess, I just struggle to talk. But I completely collapsed and virtually slept 54 hours straight. Just struggle with people getting shitty at me. But bf and I are considering Private health - been meaning to do for ages.

Supposed to be getting CAT follow up (Yeah right) and a potential EDMR therapy course. Will see.

Bonus of everything, I disappeared and was uncontactable to everyone, the bf was the first to flag concern. He realised just how concerned he got. As soon as he located where I was he was there. He is wonderful and fantastic. I think he actually really loves me, and he knows it scares me, so does having someone care for me so so much. I am finding it comforting, but scary. But he has made it so I could get out, and hopefully set up the external supports.

I still can not believe how tired I am, the thoughts are there, stress is high. Not working till Tuesday. provided can get medical clearance.

I have just booked a GP appointment for tomorrow at 1.30pm. I trust my GP more than the mental health team here.

Ulitmatly Jojo, I have no idea what is going on, I am terrified and not coping. But I am trying to be a little bit stronger so my bf isn't panicking. As he said this morning, he is realising he has a greater priority than work for the first time in his life. I think I feel the same way, I just don't know why it's not enough to stop the dark stuff. any wisdom Jojo?

I am sorry, despite how wonderful he is I just feel so alone with understanding

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

When I didn’t hear from you I did wonder if you were in hospital, but not like you described. I had hoped you would have gone in as a voluntary patient and it had been of more help

I am glad you have some time off work and are on a mood stabiliser. I am also really glad you have a reliable bf who is willing to support you. I think getting private cover is a very good idea as it gives you more control over your admission.

That’s great you are seeing your GP tomorrow and you seem to trust her. Too bad about the CAT team! I am glad you slept a lot as you must have been exhausted. Try and catch up on sleep before going back to work.

It will probably take time to trust your bf, but he has certainly come through for you so far so I think it is time to remind you of those famous words Dare To Hope!

Stay safe and allow your bf to care for you as it is an opportunity to bring you closer xox

With much love your friend Jojo 🌼🕯

[Saree_p]

Dearest Jojo,

I was planning to do the admission, just when I could organise it around work etc - I shouldn't have waited. Mistake learnt.

My bf is amazing. I truly do not deserve it. I still can't figure out why he is still here.

I have been spending the arvo trying to go through information and look at aligning my issues with literature.

It doesn't matter about CAT team Jojo, when it was mentioned I did laugh. You have hopefully got the gist over time how useless they are here. Supposed to be in contact today and check in, its 4.30.

I assure you, I have done my best to trust my bf - I've beyond pushed my comfort levels with this all, and he knows it.

All fun and games ahead Jojo. How are you? Anything exciting this week?

Lots of love,

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Of course you deserve an amazing bf as you are pretty amazing yourself especially with the work you do. It’s so great that he wants to take care of you and be there for you. Also it challenges your trust issues which is a good thing too.

Let me know how you get on at the GP tomorrow.

Take care for now dear friend xox

I am going well thanks and having a very calm and peaceful time - unlike yourself lol!

With love your friend Jojo 🌼🕯🐾🐾

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

Yeah, I guess my life is anything but calm and relaxing at the moment hey.

Well to add to that chaos, after all the arguing with the housemate and having every insult thrown my way, I get a text yesterday requesting bill payment (which is not even due and he owes me money) and that he will take over the lease and has papers for me to sign - no warning, no discussion he was looking into it, no nothing. So I am swimming. This is a great and fantastic thing, yet I feel so unable to cope.

The bf was apparently waiting until my lease ran out to ask me to move in, so now that is the plan, as of this morning. I am shit scared, I am panicking so so much. There has been so many HUGE steps (for me - I know not for others) in such a short time.

So today, ontop of potentially dealing with CAT Team, phone call from hospital, and GP, now there is huge pressure to sort this stuff out, and catch up on weeks of study because I am behind and have to move. and I am back to work next week.

Feel so weak in the fact this is completely freaking me out and overwhelming. not coping well at all. stupid me

Thanks dear friends,

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am glad you won’t have to deal with your housemate any more that is a huge positive. However, moving in with your bf probably is a bit scary because at times you can’t quite believe why he wants to be with you.

Well from what you have shared he seems very caring, compassionate, sensible, understanding and totally in love with you. Which should be reassuring although I do realise trust does not come easy for you.

I think finding someone like your bf could very well help with your healing process which is a wonderful thought.

How did your GP appointment go today?

Well done for letting your bf in to your life that is a huge positive step forward.

Take care of yourself xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼🕯

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

Sorry for the late responses.

GP was just a whatever session, she is fed up. Hasn't heard back from private, is sick of community health system. Feel this is just gonna be one huge battle.

She is a little happy that some form of medication has been restarted, but yeah. She wants me to keep seeing private psychologist atm, she doesn't trust the community mental health here anymore.

Guess it's a wait and see game, as always.

Back to work tomorrow, deal with moving this week, and an assessment for medications administration (work) this week. Plus whatever else get thrown my way.

Bf took me to some waterfalls yesterday, and we hiked, was so lovely. Jojo, he is talking future plans, even to the point of forever terms - its really scary.

I think the worst part of everything atm is I still feel really low, and my level of dissociation from reality is apparently really bad. It's scaring me. I never realised it was this bad, but because bf has been about so much he has noticed - it really worries him too.

I am so scared Jojo, sorry.

Hope you had a wonderful weekend dear friend

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

How are you feeling being back at work? When do you see the psychologist again?

The waterfalls sounds like a wonderful day out. However, if your bf is moving too fast it might be worth telling him you find that a bit scary and asking him to slow down?

Hope moving goes smoothly as that can be stressful and tiring.

I am going okay thanks and managed to catch up on sleep- don’t know how you manage to function on only a few hours sleep at times.

With love your friend Jojo 🌼🕯