Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Lilly99]

Dear saree ,

I am so sorry to hear about the psychiatrist . It really makes my blood boil .

Now is not the time to be alone . Please reach out and spend tonight with your bf. He sounds like he really cares about you. Don’t push him away . He isn’t a idiot for caring about you . You are worth it , so don’t forget that.

Dont lose hope . See your gp explain what’s happened and see the psychologist .

I know I am not one to give advice .

Otherwise Jojo and I will launch the boat 🚣‍♂️ again.

Take care of yourself . Sending you cuddle

lilly 🌸

[Saree_p]

Dearest Jojo

It's down. Has been for days now.

Bf is walking on cloud 9 atm. And to a degree I have been up and down due to same feelings but with the underlying downness - if makes sense. Went really fast the other night when we were talking, he picked up on it and slowed me down. He is far from stupid, but he is in such a happy state - he is literally beaming and everyone can see it.

Jojo, everything is just falling apart.

Like you said, I have everything to live for. But I am watching it all be destroyed in front of me. and then what if my housemate is right? Plus my head.

Jojo, why is it so hard to get a simple answer to all the psych stuff, just some direction so I can make a plan and get on with it.

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo, I did respond. must've been lost into the abis.

Thanks Lilly. I love that boat, fear I am further away tho lol.

Wonderful friends, GP is over a week ago, psychologist will be new (can't do it), she has the brief from out of hospital 3 months ago now, not the current. I have no idea what I'd even say at this point.

I am sorry. my head keeps circling with the fact I am an annoyance, and ultimately the diagnosis that makes sense is being fought over. then that I am abusive according to housemate, this I can not convey to bf. what if I am. maybe I don't see it. I don't see the manic.

Guys, I do not know. Head is really dark. I am not sure how to talk self out of this one.

I had to run. I am sorry. I don't know if either of you get that urge, I have ignored it for ages.

Bf deserves better, he is amazing.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Please spend some time with your bf as he seems able to pick up on your moods. That is a big plus. Don’t isolate yourself. Could you invite him to the shack and talk things through? He is probably worried about you, as am I.

What are your plans for the next couple of days?

I don’t understand either why the psychs can’t agree on a diagnosis which makes it really difficult on you. Please go back to the GP - she may not be as qualified in mh, but she seems the most sensible.

Stay safe & strong xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Hi friends,

I just wanted to let you know I'm ok.
Sorry for causing concern. BB rang me last night and it was enough to scare and I guess shock me at the time.
Didn't and couldn't talk though, never been my strong suit, and after everything feel I need to keep it all close to me.

After that I crawled into bed and have slept about 12 hours, struggling to move or get up atm.
Sorry friends, I am just scared at the moment and really don't wanna deal with the psych stuff anymore. I would simply like an answer and progress.

Sorry friends. Sorry Lilly, hope you are ok.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am so glad you are safe. Sorry I had to go out earlier, but am back now. I am glad you had a long sleep do you feel any better?

I did a runner once and it didn’t end well.I drove for a couple of hours and checked myself into a motel. I even booked breakfast for the next morning.

However that night I couldn’t sleep and became paranoid. So in the early hours of the morning I packed up and drove home. I remember being really scared because I wasn’t at home or around familiar places.

As time went by, mainly due to lack of sleep, I became more and more unwell and ended up in hospital.

So I hope you are keeping in touch with your bf at this time as I don’t think now is the time to be alone. What is the shack and what are you going to do there?

Take good care of yourself and stay safe xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

It's ok wonderful Jojo,

I don't expect you to respond and am grateful when you do. Hope you have had a good day so far. Sorry it's take me a while to respond.

I have done the same as you before, hence I thought this was a slightly better option.

The shack is a place my parents have brought and are renervating (there are two). I have been here and assisted dad with a lot of work, but haven't been here on my own, and really haven't been here for a while. I texted dad after the psych and just asked if I could take the keys - he has offerred for me to go for a very long time (as I have helped them with the work) but I never take them up on it as I do not like owing them anything.

So it is known where I am, I am just about a 3-4 hour drive away.

After the sleep, I don't know if I feel better or not. Thought I did, but I simply feel so exhausted. I can not fathom what or how I will deal with the multiple situations. Had a few delusions today - which is odd as did sleep, normally its when I do not sleep. Only feel somewhat ok, when locked in the loungroom, but still not really.

I did grab uni work and intended to do some, but can't focus on any of it and really don't care. Was in pjs till about 2 hours ago, dragged myself out for a walk - thought it'd help but made it worse.

Did tell bf about the events, he asked if it'd be better to travel and see someone so I could get what I need, from the context that i had to skype with the private psychiatrist because of location and the CAT one is yeah. He suggested we could take a couple of days and a road trip. Jojo, he is truely amazing, but you and I know that this will take months and months to organise. I just can't. I refuse to deal with the CAT Team anymore, I am done. I don't like how I feel so much worse when dealing with them.

I just had to get out Jojo, I am sorry. I just had to. I do not see a way back atm.

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo,

I think i am freaking out a little. How do you deal with your head when it tells you the only way forward is to die?

I am trying to be logical atm

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Do you know what is freaking you out? If your head is telling you it’s time to die then you need to head for home or to your bf. You need to feel safe. You have me worried again.

You can’t outrun your problems - they go where you go. Talk things over with your bf some more. Let him care for you and help you.

Please take care & stay safe. My thoughts and prayers are with you xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Please come home or go to your bf if that is what your head is telling you. Do you know why you are freaking out? You have me worried about you.

Please take good care of yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼