Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

Today is the worst day.

Not really, but the bf was trying to get me to sleep and rest. Apparently, he got told today to never ever let me go. Scary lol.

Psychiatrist is CAT Team doing - but at this stage the private psychiatrist would've been better at starting meds - he reckoned it would take two week plus to stabilise etc and that was too long, but its taken two week for CAT to potentially do anything (psychiatrist tuesday), so expecting it'll be a waste of my time.

Housemate has chucked a whammy today cause I've hurt him by not being about. forget I have worked a 50 hour week and had my own family commitments plus bf birthday weekend and his family stuff. Forget I may have my own crisis with this diagnosis crap.

Jojo, I can't do this. but I have to. bf is over the moon atm and can not tell him my mood is that low atm, his fam is all here to and so much pressure for him.

he is also scared about me being medicated, but the explained how manic I got and that I thought I could walk the railing bridge - which scares him also. He is worried that the me he sees will disappear or be numbed. I confess I am scared too, but I promised him if it did I wouldn't take it, because I couldn't.

Jojo, tonight is really dark. I mean really dark. feel like shit after housemate crap. really do.

Sorry.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Your housemate sounds really immature and self centred. It’s not as if you purposely tried to hurt him. You need to be able to live your own life and he will just have to come to terms with that.

Why do you think you can’t tell your bf about your low moods and have to hide them? He has told you he will stick by you no matter what.

I asked you what do you need from the psychiatrist and had hoped you would respond with something like: to take me seriously and stop mucking me around. Something has got to give on Tuesday as it is getting really ridiculous.

As far as medication goes that is something you need to discuss with the psychiatrist. It can potentially stop these horrible dark times and doesn’t necessarily mean you will be numbed. I feel really good on my meds, just without the extreme mood swings.

Try and distract yourself through these low times and consider sharing with your bf as he could be a big support for you.

Take good care of yourself xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

yes sorry, brain processes are not logical atm so not my witty self. To not be messed around would be very very nice!!

As he has so much pressure this weekend, and I have stressed him out, it's that little bit hard to understand how I can feel so low after all the good. If I can get through this low, I will next time. I just need him to feel over the moon atm, it is helping me feel a little better.

I do need to stop being messed around and just have some support in figuring out what this all means, what is happening, what I need to do, and what the bf can do - if had clear direction rather than ambiguity it'd be easier.

Housemate is very much so. His life is the worse cause he had a narcissistic mother. he has no concept of actual hurt or pain - as harsh as that sounds. His mild depression is like a life sentence, and his mild depression only exists because of thought processes that he refuses to alter (which is frustrating). As a professional, tried to help him through it for ages. But maybe I am just being irritable.

I am at home tonight, couldn't face the bf family and needed to get stuff done. Will leave tomorrow arvo and not be back till saturday arvo really. Well that's the plan. he has had his bday cake shifted to tomorrow night so I can be there. I need to be there for him. He has never really had the unconditional support himself, and in preparation for all I will need, this is the least I can do for him.

Jojo, it is like a cinderella story, yet I can not enjoy it. how stupid is this? You spend your life waiting for it, but when it's here....

This is defiantly the diagnosis isn't it Jojo? short term medication and treatment wont mean I will be ok, it'll have to be life long medication wont it. God life sucks at times.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Well done for spending last night at home instead of with your bf’s family. I think that is the first time you have ever put yourself first.

I am so happy you have a Cinderella story unfolding and with treatment you will be able to enjoy it.

I am not qualified to confirm your diagnosis only your psychiatrist can do that. However, with the severe mood swings I have my suspicions.

Also regarding treatment, again that is the psychiatrist’s call, but make sure he explains everything fully.

Have been out and about today for a walk and coffee as the weather is lovely and sunny. What’s it like at your end?

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo

Doubt much will be explained lol.
Private psychiatrist just went it's bipolar and need medication. He said I was manic and on the verge of mania. That's it.
CAT psychiatrist won't be helpful, we already know he won't after all they have done.

Weather is freezing here, windy n wet.

Sorry Jojo

[Saree_p]

Too be honest Jojo, I don't want to even go to the appointment. Seriously think it's just gonna be another horrible experience. I planned a two days off for holiday, which start straight after it. I just know this crap will make everything impossible. I'm already so low, and with more crap.... it just never helps. The CAT Team never seem to be helpful for me.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I know you don’t want to go to the appointment on Tuesday, but you and I both know it is important. It is probably good that your mood is low this time as the psychiatrist will have seen you at both extremes.

I am so glad you have a few days holiday coming up. Hopefully you can do something nice and recharge your batteries?

Enjoy the bday cake. Save me a piece 😋

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

His mum made a cake I could have, separate to the birthday cake - so I was included. Was so nice.

Today was so good for the first half, then has crashed. Housemate has been vindictive and manipulative. I've spent the last 5 hours being attacked for having mood swings, anger outburst, etc. Apparently I made him suicidal. He has gone all vindictive over the lease and renting. I just can't cope, we were supposed to be friends, yeah right.

I just can't cope right now.

Work has been shit.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

That was lovely of your bf’s Mum to make you your own special cake. They seem to be a really nice family.

I am sorry to hear about your housemate. Has he been like this before? Sounds like he needs professional help? Try not to let him get to you. Think of the positives with your bf.

What happened at work that has you upset?

Good luck with your appointment tomorrow xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Don't wanna go Jojo. I just can't deal with CAT psychiatrist right now. I just.

Stuff with housemate and then everything just went hectic. I have just broken down at work and it was obvious.

They are nice, weird and wacky, but caring. I've been included, and can't figure out how or why.

You should see the text messages from housemate.
Just can't anymore Jojo.