Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

How was work today are you still skipping, singing and dancing down the stairs? Do you have a day off tomorrow? Did you manage to sleep? That’s more than enough questions!!

I had a change of plans today- my friend couldn’t make it to the movies so we are going tomorrow instead.

Good luck with organising your Mum’s bday party. I am guessing that family get togethers are not exactly your idea of fun!

Well done for keeping writing about what you are going through. This will be interesting to look back on further down the track.

My thoughts are with you Amigo xox

With love your friend Jojo🌼

[Saree_p]

Hello Amigos

Thanks Lilly 😊

Now for the questions Jojo 😜

1. Didn't work at same place, so no stairs there - but yes there was a bouncy Saree, who forgot things, was nearly late and did a massive Jigsaw over the 6 hours shift - could not leave it!!! all whilst conversing with other staff and caring for the client lol.
2. Yes, I still have tomorrow off at this stage - not quite sure how I fee about it, as probably gonna drive housemate up the wall.
3. Sleep, mmmm. I ended up passing out in the early hours of the morning, not sure about the quality of sleep but wasn't aware of stuff lol. So assume sleep. Bounced out of bed, for work. Oddly don't feel tired, but apparently, I look tired and eyes have been really watery. weird.

No, I hate family stuff - I will cop a lot of crap, and take a lot of hits. Always do. Despite being the one organising it, and I do twice the amount of anyone else.

Bummer about your movie, but at least you get to go still! Keen to hear about it 😊

Sweet dreams lovely friend 🐱‍🐉🎶🌈

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Boing boing boing here comes Saree!! Sounds like you had a good day at work helping a client and talking to staff. Glad to hear you do get a day off now. Why don’t you do something nice for yourself like go out for coffee or lunch.

You say you slept in the early hours which is great. Has that always been your sleeping pattern?

Thoughts are with you Amigo xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

🤣 Jojo,

So me atm 🎶💃🎶

Doctors medication did the trick last night lol 🥂.

Sleeping patterns have always varied for me. But when things are "normal" generally in bed reading or asleep around 10-11pm and up around 6-7am. This is when everything is dandy. been very rare.

Normally - with workload etc, I would average 6 hours, generally 11-12pm, to 4-5 am, maybe 6 - this is still a norm for me and everything is dandy, just busy.

If struggling with nightmares and dreading sleep, can only be a couple of hours and its when I am really tired.

but other times, I simply am just bouncy so cannot sleep.

There really has been no norm over last year, and the deterioration has meant I either don't sleep, or sleep a lot. With uni and work etc, I slept little to keep up, but it kinda covered the nightmares etc.

Atm, I am not having nightmares - weird as they have suddenly stopped in the last month. but yeah, I either sleep 10+ hours - think the other day was 14-15 hours. or I sleep 2-3.

There is a very lengthy response to a simple question. I guess the answer depends on when you ask, at what point in life I have been at. And realistically the last year is the first year I have not been in an "abusive" situation really. But looking back, sleep patterns have always swung, and nightmares have just added an extra layer of complications.

Sorry for rambles, mind going fast fast fast.

Will do Jojo - despite hate going out, in these moods I seem to want to, just panic sometimes when have to deal with people or go into an overconfident stage - never know which until in it.

Sleep well wonderful Amigo, 😘🌈

thoughts are with you Lilly if you are reading xx 😘

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I see your sleep patterns vary quite a bit to say the least! That might be something you could work on with the psychologist?

Did you manage to do something nice for yourself today?

I thoroughly enjoyed the movie Yesterday. It’s funny, the music is great, the lead character is easy on the eyes, throw in a bit of romance and you’ve got a winner. I came out feeling great and humming The Beatles songs. There’s a little bit of Ed Sheerin in the movie too which is a bonus.

So not long until Wednesday now. How are you feeling about your appointment? Try not to bounce off the walls lol!

With love Amigo xox

Your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Awesome Jojo 😊

Glad you enjoyed the movie! Sounds fantastic!! Guessing you like Ed too? I never used to but as I have aged he has really grown on me lol.

I am guessing when that commences, if I can hand over the journal notes it will be discussed - but ultimately not really sure what I can do about it much. The advice will be to not sleep so long and then not to go into my can't sleep modes - don't research stuff, don't go down the rabbit hole, don't do late exercise and midnight runs etc etc. Implement a routine - which can't do due to work really. So not sure

My day was good. Struggled a little between bouncy and teary at same time. Kinda like I couldn't decide again. Just got back from a walk - so done exercise and walk.

Went on a date in the end, the second one. It went well. Very worried about dating atm, but pressure from mum. Never really done dating either. But I actually really enjoyed myself and it felt easy.

Wednesday is close - panic is setting in when thinking about it. Atm I can't see the need for it, but then know my GP is not gonna let me glaze over it with I am fine (which I do struggle to see the point or need when in a "good" state) lol, but then undecided state makes me a little worried, but then know I can get into "good" but can remember "bad". Ultimately, I don't think I will be let out of it, but will there be any helpful outcome (in my experience no!)

Your amigo,

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I don’t think midnight runs are such a great idea from a safety point of view? Just stating the obvious and also must be freezing.

That’s great you went on a date. Did you go somewhere nice?

As far as Wednesday goes try not to be so pessimistic. Remember your own famous and positive words: “Dare to hope.”

How are things with your housemate now - more settled I hope?

You said your roster is crazy for the next couple of weeks. Isn’t that normal?

So Amigo, as mentioned before, Dare to hope, dare to hope xox

Your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Damn it Amigo - my own words used against me😲, ah how rude😛😘

Date, well the first one was coffee, he came my way. He suggested at the end of it breakfast today - was hesitant, but decided to go - initially doing dates to please mother. God knows why, as after everything why am I trying to please, think just to stop the interactions really. Today was a nice breakfast (no issues with my dietary issues, could just have bacon and mushroom - he made no fuss at all), then a nice walk (even in temperamental weather), he clearly didn't want it to end, so went back to his and worked on a massive MASSIVE puzzle - I literally placed maybe 10 pieces in 2 hours 😲 I did an escape, and he is now planning to cook a dinner, and puzzle some more. There is no pressure for anything else, more a spend time. We happily sat in silence, joked etc. He is very quirky and weird (like me). I know he is spectrum based, but he doesn't which is a good thing cause he sees it as just him - which it is. Never thought I'd date or see anyone ever again after the ex, but maybe. But then with all these issues of mine, is it just cruel?

Jojo, the timing of those runs/walks never phases me at the time, more in a very ambivalent sate - tried walking the rails of the bridge about 6km away the last time (a week or so ago lol). But then I also slept on the streets when I was 14-16 and spent most nights out walking from then on, just to distract from thoughts and confined spaces.

And OMG Jojo, no my roster is worse than normal lol. I literally come off overnights, to pull other shifts and then repeat. maybe it just looks worse lol

Hows your night lovely one?

Hoping Lilly is ok, a little worried.

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Your date sounds really sweet and by what you say quite compatible which is wonderful news. Glad there is no pressure and lovely to have a man cook for you that’s a bonus! It would be great if you could develop a close friendship especially if he is as quirky as you - your words not mine!

Hope you have many more fun dates. Well done as I know you find it hard to trust.

Lilly is in my thoughts & prayers as I too hope she is okay.

Am going to watch Masterchef tonight. Bye for now Amigo xox

Your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Wonderous Jojo,

Hope you enjoyed master Chef.

I just had a massive panic attack. feel very elated, yet nervous system is in overdrive. Any tactics on how to deal with? I normally calm down and do grounding techniques etc, but it's not working. Panic attack is over, but the elated feeling has turned into - I don't know how to explain.

Can't do Wednesday