Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Wonderful friends,

Lilly, help you GP help you, I truly think you can do this 😊 I know you might be like 🤯

I am doing the 'I am sick of this crap thing and need to get back to when I was functioning well'. Never really have been in hindsight, but never been this bad and as it turns out, fear is a good motivator.

I think it's helping that I seem to be coming out of the depressive side. But will wait and see.

I tried to call and panicked. Will try again in morning, hopefully more incentive then. Sorry. The anxiety will get to me lol, can feel it already. And this is purely cause I am shit scared and worried what this person will throw at me 🙉. Sounds stupid I know. Also I worry about the impact😳. Realistically I won't know till Wednesday and I have to wait. At least it's a morning appointment🥳

Thanks for the work wishes, it's ok. Clients are happy and chilled, I'm bouncing off the walls, bored. Can't quite seem to sit still atm. Just caught myself dancing down the stairs 😂

Oh mums a pain lol. All the problems in the world would be solved if I had a partner and kids. Not quite sure how she figures that right now. I know the ex's kids kept me stable for quite a few years but yeah.

Hopefully all are having a good night.

Saree

[smallwolf]

Saree,

Dancing down the stairs?

Sounds like you having an OK time at the moment. I would write down those moments in a journal - it was a prompting from my psychologist. A way of remembering that all is not bad. Little bit of motivation in your post with "I am sick of this crap". Wondering what made the last few hours different to the previous days?

Maybe the ex's kids act as a distraction from your mind?

Last question - what do you hate about phones? I remember there was a stage when my mum was jumpy whenever the phone rang. I only found this out recently. For myself it was the notifications that kept popping up that I did not like. Weird huh!

Tim

[Saree_p]

Morning Tim,
Just couldn't sit still.

I've never been good at speaking on phones, I struggle to know when to u speak and can go mute.

No real idea what's caused the change Tim, it's apparently cause for concern. At the moment the changes seem to be a lot quicker and more intense.
I have been writhing it down I promise.

Slept only a couple of hours in the early hours of this morning. So will try and take Jojos advice and try to sleep, but finding it difficult. Felt in a constant panic of late, not sure why either.

I don't know Tim, im a conudrum.

Sorry for being a pain and not making sense. It's a worry when I don't to myself.

Hope everyone is ok,
Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Did you manage to speak on the phone and make a GP appointment or are you just going to leave things until Wednesday?

You sound a bit revved up, but at least the depression has lifted. Keep writing and try to sleep and eat regularly. Are you working over the weekend?

I told Lilly our new title is: The Three Amigos! What do you think?

With love & chamomile to calm you down!

Your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Jojo, I absolutely love it 🙏

Yeah, revved up is understatement again. Trying to settle it. Not done this before - literally flipping from one to other.

Yeah I do. Only Saturday at this stage though.

I did go and see her. It didn't help. She went very quiet and told me to wait until Wednesday. She said she is concerned, so she wants me to show and reception will be on the watch out for anxiety. She wants me to try and slow down too. She suggested I have a couple of drinks tonight if I can not calm down - never heard that from a GP 😂

I will keep my documentation up - just got to try and condense it, writing essays yesterday and today.

Mind you my next couple of weeks roster came in 😲Craziness, craziness I say (yes it is me saying that!!).

Trying not to panic Jojo, but it does keep happening every time I try and slow down. Doesn't when stop questioning and just go with it, but as soon as try to slow down it does. Weird! I am just weird. Embrace it lol.

How was your day dear friend?

Us amigos have to stick together!!!

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear weird & wonderful friend! 😂

I am glad you made it to the GP again because now reception will be looking out for you on Wednesday which should make it a bit easier for you to be there. I guess a few drinks can’t hurt to help you calm down, especially if it’s purely medicinal!

Today is usually my food shopping day, but have decided to leave it and use up something from my freezer instead as the weather has been really wet. Tomorrow I am going to the movies to see Yesterday which looks good and I love The Beatles music.

What are you doing on your day off?

With love

Your amigo Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Hola Amigo,

Yeah, I was shocked. I showed her the writings - minus the history stuff. I am kinda not sure what to make of her reactions. Plus she has gone from being all communicative, to nothing. She kept asking me if I felt safe and if I had any hallucinations again - starting to feel real insane lol. Part of me has the no care factor of bubbliness, but then there is this niggling voice that I should be concerned by her behaviour. What's your thoughts dear friend?

Done my exercise, done my walk, eaten some veggies.

My walk was so so good, skipping and singing whilst playing wizards unite and pokemon go.

What am I going to do? I do not know. Probably wait and see if I actually have it off 🤣

Jojo, that sounds awesome!!! Are you going with a friend? and meh freezer food will do in shitty weather! My laundry got 🌧⛈🌦on.... grump 😂

Do you ever wish you had a guide in life? I hate this feeling of panic that returns when start thinking, want to let go and just enjoy the fun, but logic sucks - plus have GP and your voice in my head, calm down, calm down. I shall be channelling that through being I am sure of it.

Random Amigo over and out,

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Your GP probably doesn’t want to say too much as she is not exactly qualified in a complex case such as yours.

Don’t overthink things or worry so much. You will hopefully get some concrete answers on Wednesday. Let the psychiatrist earn his keep!

I am glad you managed to get some exercise and eat some veggies. Now try and get some good quality sleep though I know that can often be a challenge for you.

I am going to the movies with my friend Wayne. We meet every weekend and either go to the movies or go for coffee and a walk. We met through a community mental health group a few years ago. Because he also has a mental illness we understand each other pretty well which is great.

That’s why BB is so important- it is so much easier sharing with others who also have a mental illness. Here we are not judged or laughed at, but accepted regardless of what we have been through or share no matter how painful or raw.

Take care Amigo xox

With love Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Can I be uncomplicated?? PLEASE!! I beg the universe.

Sounds great!!

And yes, sleep is either easy or not at all, but am and will be trying. GP was stressing it today.

By the way - laughing so hard at the psychiatrist earning his keep - they never do here lol. Ahh, hate new people. especially those filled with judgement.

Mind you it is mildly entertaining that my housemate is freaking out again. Feeling a little mischief and wanna exacerbate for funsies, mean me I know.

At least there is a Tinsel, who is being slightly skittish, yet sucking up at the same time, weird. And a mother's bday party to organise for a weeks time - yes cease it now 🤣 Cake arguments have begun over who doesn't want to do it!!! Guess who landed the short straw.

Oh Jojo, I swear the three amigos and BB keep me going.

Thank you!!

Saree

[Lilly99]

Dear saree and Jojo ,

Well done going to the gp today saree. You are a so courages .

It’s great that your gp has given the receptionist a heads up about your anxiety . It sounds like she is really trying to help. I will be thinking of you on Wednesday at the psychiatrist . I will sending you all the positive thoughts I can muster. I really want you to get the help you need . I care about you.

It’s really nice Jojo you are going to the movies . It’s great you have a friend that understands you. That movie looks good . Hope you have a lovely day .

talk soon dear amigos

your friend Lilly 🌺🌸