Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Aliza221]

Hi Saree and everyone else,

I registered two days ago after heavy contemplation. This could come off hypocritical considering my first post was on how much i hated life, my depression and anxiety beating me to a pulp constantly, having no desire to care for myself etc. But, just like you, i have always tried to help others, no matter the severe depression i faced. I try to help those who need it, but unfortunately my compassion for humanity faded a long time ago due to my past and what's happened, but this is not about me, its about you.

You are in need of help so i will try to help. Jojo, Tim, Lilly have also done a wonderful job in helping you throughout these past few nights. Now i can't sit here and type about hospitals and therapists and GP's as i personally don't go to them. I have been told to go but never have, and personally i have seen a lot of people go to GP's and become addicts of medication. But if you can find a willing and helpful GP, they are worth every dime. I hope you do because they will help you and not just try extort you. I wish you the best on that journey.

I know you have said you are trying to find time for audio books, or don't really focus when its played and you zone off to a world of your own. I get that, because i was the same. It took me half a year to read one book; after buying hundreds of them. I also know you have not had time to get a journal/diary. This i think, is a very important factor. Writing about your own life; experience; issues and drama, everything you feel you should write. It really does do wonders. Inking all your struggles to a pen. Its your life story, and it deserves to be cherished and remembered. No matter how bad it gets, take just ten minutes of your day, or night if you can't sleep, and write something. You don't need it to be the best, or make sense at first. All that matters is you write a line, and just follow the rhythm from there. Our lives are very different but our emotions are all the same. And by your previous posts, you are definitely a smart person no doubt about that and i say this with all honesty that i wish i was as smart as you. I didn't even speak English, or have courage to speak, till i reached near thirteen. I was put into special classes and i couldn't escape the bully and trauma that caused. You have skills many people dream of having, that alone is a reason to continue.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

When I was in hospital with depression it was a huge distraction from usual life which really helped. I hadn’t been eating properly, was hardly able to get out of bed and in general wasn’t looking after myself properly.

My medication was adjusted which began to lift my mood. I attended groups such as art therapy, a walking group, stress management, creative writing etc. It was hard at first to make the effort, but got easier after a few days.

It also helped being around people who were struggling just as much as myself. We helped each other at times by sharing our stories.

When I was discharged I felt heaps better and was linked in with community mental health services and was given an appointment for a psychiatrist.

Community mental health services ran a daily program on week days which involved various groups such as coffee/walking group, art & craft, mindfulness group, meditation, etc.

This gave my week structure and got me out and enabled me to socialise. I attended this program for a couple of years which taught me a lot about myself and my illness. I learned about my early warning signs and what my triggers were. (I have bipolar type I with extreme highs & extreme lows along with psychotic episodes).

I also worked with an OT and had a psych nurse as my caseworker. There was a long waiting list to see a psychologist, so I did a mental health plan and got some counselling that way.

I am currently very stable on medication and haven’t been in hospital for over 5 years (yay for me!). Previously I was in and out of hospital every couple of years which was really hard and disruptive to life.

We now have a new service called Step up Step Down which is a residential facility. This is an alternative to going into hospital. I haven’t used it, but my friend has and it is really nice - very homely. You can google that if you like.

So as you can see I had a lot of support which definitely made a big difference to me. Hope this is of some help xox

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Thanks for sharing that Jojo!

This all does make me question why I do not move back to the mainland.

I personally have 1001 diagnosis, due to emergency treatment and my failure to follow up (mainly back when I was 16). The agreed upon ones are PTSD, Panic disorder, MDD, and Asperger's. But I know that the questions remain around a few others, which will only be known after the effects of PTSD are dealt with. As let's face it between PTSD and Asperger's the other two are a given due to comorbid lol.

I honestly was playing with the idea of taking out private health and then self-referring for hospitalisation - at least then I would have greater control and an environment that is slightly more manageable. Trust me I have really thought on all options. I would just have to swallow my pride. And part of the problem is I would have to admit to family members in particular that I am the nutcase they have believed and my mother has claimed.

I do get that this may not be understandable, as it holds the two concepts in contingency with confuddling factors. I honestly wish I could turn to my sister right now and let her in, but I can't. I then have moments I get so shitty at her, cause I live back in this hell hole, simply because she asked.

Is there a time you regretted being so open?

Sorry. Please please do not feel an obligation to answer any questions I do ask. I 100% understand if you tell me to bugger off in all honesty.

[Bree30]

It’s really important to find people that you can talk to. I find this works the best.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

You are not a nutcase! You have an illness just like any other. Having said that my family didn’t understand either which made it really hard.

When I was finally diagnosed I was relieved to know what was wrong with me and that it could be treated. However, there have been times I have experienced stigma which made me feel angry and ashamed.

I am now at the point where I am comfortable telling my story and don’t regret being open about it, especially if it can possibly help someone else.

Now I have to get some sleep! Bye for now. Try and rest up if you can & let me know how tomorrow goes xox

Jojo

[Saree_p]

night Jojo.

Thanks Bree for your words

[Una54]

I have found that listening to my favorite happy songs has helped me. Also planting a garden and doing heavy manual work like stonework.

[Saree_p]

Hi Una,

I am very glad this has worked for you - thank you for the post.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I love the cat photo. Now I can smile every time I see it pop up!

You have been in my thoughts today. How did you go? Did you make it to your appointment?

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

I made it. Result = a headache.

Doctor wanted to hospitalise me. I explained why I can't.
She has had a go at the CAT team as the didn't follow the discharge protocol. She has rereffered me back to them for an assessment, which has to occur in 48 hours. We are both sceptical it will happen or be helpful, simply due to what has occurred.

Whilst I felt and feel like shit, this is a GP I can work with. She didn't treat me like an idiot, she actually stated she thinks the complete opposite, which she said is why I can't get the help I need in our small area.

Ultimately she wants CAT to reassess meds so I can hopefully cope with the PTSD and reduce the cause for s.

Hopefully I have explained well. Brain is very fried at this point. I also got my assignment submitted on time. 1st time I've done a Masters level, 40% weight assignment in under 32 hours lol.

Honestly Jojo, really panicky over the appointment.