Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

You are an absolute legend dealing with both your appointment and your assignment. Very well done. That’s great you have found a GP that is right for you too.

I will keep this short as you sound really tired out xox

Big pat on the back from Jojo

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

Very tired, but highly anxious. Very worried about dealing with CAT team again.
But glad the GP allowed me to go to work and keep working for the moment.

She did say she thinks it'd be best if I did a medical certificate and went to hospital. But I deteriorate in hospital and just not sure I can do it.
I know it's where I should be, but yeah.

Oh well. Just plod through another night.

Thanks for pushing. I had several panic attacks all night n today and wasn't going to go, but remembered you and you saying you had a good feeling. I at least owed it to you after the other night.

Oh and her name is Tinsel.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Tinsel is a good name! Have you got an appointment with the CAT team yet or do you have to wait? Hopefully they can sort your meds out for you.

What sort of meds do you take? I am on an antidepressant, a mood stabiliser and an antipsychotic.

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

The way they operate here, means they will have to touch base within 48 hours.
(I was never supposed to have been discharged from there service, and was supposed to be reviewed by the psych, but yeah, I'm to hard). So ultimately I have no clue, the GP just said they have to touch base now.
I'm skeptical it will be helpful.

From being hospitalised, antidepressant n antipsychotic. I stopped taking both last Friday due to them having a negative effect and I was no longer able to argue with thoughts at all.

GP said I need to go back on some sort of meds or I will only continue to deteriorate.

I personally hate using medication, but I know from a professional capacity she is right. Dissassociation has already increased back to an unmanageable level (due to lack of sleep) and that jacks up all the flashbacks, panic attacks etc. N it then spirals.

I just wish that I didn't have to be here and could actually get back to a functioning life. Why does PTSD have to remind me of crap.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

That’s good if they follow through and see you within 48 hours. I think their input will be very interesting? You can handle this appointment too - you are more capable than you realise.

I hate taking medication too, but I know it keeps me well and functioning at my best. I hope you decide to go back on yours?

Does the CAT team provide some sort of counselling for you to help with the PTSD?

Jojo

[Saree_p]

The issue was the CAT team were suppose to set everything up but refused to do so. I am not sure y or what happened. Guessing stretched services in area n lack of options.
Need to try other meds, I noted the antidepressant in particular made s worse, but was ignored.

I guess it's all the unknown. They haven't been helpful in the past as I am not "simple".

Sorry. Feel like an idiot explaining it. Which is the way they treated me last time. Like it's a choice I made to experience all this

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry if I am upsetting you with all my questions, but I am just trying to understand how the CAT team works?

I was on an antidepressant that made me feel s it does happen and is not pleasant.

Hope your anxiety settles down and you can catch up on some sleep xox

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Oh Jojo,

I am so so sorry, I didn't mean to come across as upset - can I please explain.

I have worked along side mental health systems, so I shorten things and forget others do not know the lingo etc.

The CAT Team is the Crisis Assessment and Treatment Team, ultimately they are the only service we have down here and they roll into what you described as community mental health services. Ultimately down here they deal with everything.

Unfortunately they also like to keep things simple, and therefore made very clear last time I was a waste of their time. I was admitted to hospital by one of their members that deals with Trauma (and I think wanted to help me), after I had been discharged from their service due to a massive episode. So I get a couple of members that wanted to do the right thing (what is supposed to happen, support), but majority - cause of my work and education level - simply view me as a pain in the rear. So the experience I had with them wasn't helpful. But because I was discharged from hospital with new meds, they were supposed to follow me up and did not. I was discharged from there service and referred to the GP practice I had been seeing - this went against hospital orders.

Does that explain a bit better?

It is basically a case the system said I was to hard and couldn't be bothered so I was left to my own devices. The GP solution is to re-enter the system, because that is all there is. But I think, like me she is aware it will cause more damage than good. Not the best feeling of seeking help to getting the feeling your unhelpable and nothing more than a pain.

It was clear from the GP phone call they were not happy to have me. I am honestly not sure why, all I want is some help and assistance. I am happy to try medications, but I knew that one didn't work, and yet they persisted and I ended up back there. It is hard enough arguing with s - and you understand how much worse it is with a medicine reaction

And sorry took so long to respond. I had to go for a walk/run - I have gone from no energy to completely can not sit still and brain is running - so not sure this will settle, but hopefully.

Sorry Jojo, it is confusing, because my situation is not supposed to occur - which is fun when your brain plays with it, adds to the whole worthlessness band wagon.

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Thanks for explaining things very clearly. Do you live in the country or Tasmania? I guess mental health services can vary quite a lot from state to state.

You are definitely not worthless and it’s not fair the way you have been stuffed around - you deserve better.

How was your walk/run, do feel more settled? xox

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo,

Moved back to Tasmania (the non funded end too) - was in Queensland for 6 years, but moved back after left relationship.

Yeah, well, that was why I was actually somewhat happy with the GP appointment, she made clear I was intelligent which was half the issue. And I knew the games played by mental health professionals due to my own work roles.

Yeah well I went to them a while ago now because I knew I had deteriorated beyond what I could cope with, and I knew if I was dealing with a client what the course of action was (even today with the GP she kept trying to get me to rationalise and take the course of action I knew a client would have to). But because of my understanding I got raked over the coals. All because of a hospital admission when I was 16, 10 years ago now. I have had no involvement inbetween with mental health services, and wouldn't unless last resort (which it was). I did legitamely want help. I then bypassed this due to the treatment and attitudes I received. Shall we say being dismissed was an understatement. Apparently it was a shock I ended up in the state I did that lead to the hospital admin, which was the first I could get help - besides the fact I could not cope in there, and it ruined just about everything I had worked for. and the upon release, as explained, they failed to assist as was supposed to.

I am aware and clear I would have followed all this privately, but the wait times are months everywhere, so there is little option.

So yes very anxious, and really not keen for this - I am aware how passive aggressive they can be. Which makes me feel very isolated, and just generally not in a good head space at all. Its like the feel I choose to have flashbacks, panic attacks, feel literally like I am drowning. Its a choice. I choose this. Which obviously my head has a great deal of fun with, cause I then choose previous situations, my ex n my dynamic etc.

Sorry for rambling.